Before I attempt to explain what I mean by "seasons of sex" as it relates to something that, I personally believe, all married couples experience, let me start off with a bit of advice to any engaged folks (or people who desire to be married someday) who may be peeking in.
Because I'm pretty confident that every husband and wife on the planet will agree that marriage ain't for the weak (not by a looooong shot), I'll begin by saying three things. One, if you suck at forgiving, you will suck at marriage; marriage requires some level of forgiveness on almost a daily basis. Two, if you are considering marrying someone who has no clue what their purpose in life is, it's probably best that you wait; a healthy marriage consists of two people who are able to support one another in their purpose. People who have no clue what their purpose is can actually put a lot of stress and strain on a relationship until they do. And three, it is absolutely imperative that you join your life to someone who understands that, as with nature, marriage has seasons; if they don't know how to embrace and endure that, it's going to be an extremely bumpy and potentially devastating ride.
Are you ready to delve into just what I mean by that?
The Seasons of Marriage
Seasons. If you read up on why we have spring, summer, autumn and winter, the gist is that, as the earth rotates, based on how close we are or aren't to the sun, seasons shift. When it comes to unions like marriage, a really good book for any couple to add to their library is Dr. Gary Chapman's The Four Seasons of Marriage.
According to him, spring is "The excitement of creating a new life together…not exclusively for newlyweds". Summer is when "Life is beautiful and reaping benefits of efforts to understand each other. Spouses share a deep sense of commitment, satisfaction, and security in each other's love". Autumn is when "…marriages look fine externally; outsiders may even comment on how happy the couple seems to be. Yet inside the marriage, things are changing". And winter is "characterized by coldness, harshness, and bitterness. The dreams of spring are covered with layers of ice. Conversations are only about logistics—who will do what and when they will do it. Communication is relegated to silence, arguments, criticism, and, at times, verbal abuse. Lives are lived independently, although under the same roof. This is caused by rigidity: unwillingness to consider the other person's perspective and work towards compromise".
Based on his description, the summer season is great. Problem is, if you're not aware that winter happens too, when winter arrives, you might panic and think you need to end your relationship. Thing is, just like when winter weather rolls around, so long as you are prepared and patient, it tends to pass—whether it's "winter" when it comes to your marriage overall or "winter" as it specifically relates to your sex life. It's all about knowing what typically comes with each "sex season" so that you and your partner can commit to getting through each of them—together.
Spring Sex: The Beginning of Sex, When Things Are Fresh and New
Ah, newlyweds. Ain't they precious? They're so in love that, just being around them makes you want to test your blood sugar levels. And, if they are open enough to share with you what their sex life is like (trust me, many of them are), they basically can't seem to get enough of each other. Sex, on a daily basis, is almost a given, and coitus 2-3 times a day is certainly not inconceivable. It's nothing for them to drop off of the grid on the weekends or to take little trips to small towns to test out random bed and breakfasts. For them, everything is awesome because everything is exciting and new (especially if they waited; a great read is "How Leaping into Bed Harms Relationships"). In their mind, their sex life will always remain just as it is. Why wouldn't it?
Unfortunately, something that a lot of newly married couples don't factor in is their biggest sex organ is their brain. Meaning, a part of the reason why the sex is so bomb is because they are so in sync. No real tests have come yet. There might be little irritations here and there but not anything that's too earth-shattering. The marriage is too new for things like boredom to set in. Plus, just like spring is the season when seeds are planted, they are still figuring out what turns each other on, which makes sex the ultimate adventure.
Summer Sex: When Sexual Satisfaction Is at Its Peak
Summer sex. It's truly the only thing better than spring sex! The reason why it is able to top it is because this is when you and yours have truly mastered what make one another tick. You know each other's spots. You have figured out the guaranteed ways to make each other climax. If there is any room in the house where you feel like you both are totally on the same page, it's the bedroom and, because of that, you can't seem to be able to get enough of each other. No matter what is on the agenda, you are going to make sure you make time for sex because you can't recall the last time that you "engaged" and you were even close to being disappointed. Just like the actual summer season, your summer sex is hot—blazin'! Even during your spring sex, you had absolutely no idea that sex could be so good.
Autumn Sex: This Is When Feelings of Discontentment Creep In
Autumn is an interesting season. The reason why I think that the word "interesting" is appropriate is because the weather is a bit unpredictable. Some days might be unseasonably warm while others might surprise you and be freezing cold. On average, though, while the season is pleasant enough to look at, there is a chill that is low-key uncomfortable. It's like a precursor to something that's a bit more…trying. So is the case with autumn sex. During this season, the sex is not always bad. At the same time, it's not always good either. Sometimes, you can go a couple of weeks without intercourse and not even notice—or worse, without even missing it. Sometimes you'll have it but prefer not to cuddle before or after, or you prefer to cuddle for nights on end without doing anything more than that. You find yourself looking at your partner and, while you're still into them, it's not quite like it used to be. It's not uncommon for the feelings that come during autumn sex to be so subtle that even your partner fails to pick up on them. All I know is that if you don't talk this season out, it can sho' nuf lead to the next season—winter sex.
Winter Sex: Sex Has Waned; Activity Is Virtually Non-Existent
A couple of years ago, I checked out a movie that had winter sex written all over it. It was calledAfternoon Delight and it was about a married couple, with a young son, who had fallen into a serious sexual rut. The wife's therapist alerted her to the fact that marriage without sex is a red flag. In response, the wife did what a lot of spouses tend to do when they are told that—she got defensive. Then she started to do some destructive things…like bring a stripper into her house to serve as "the nanny". It's a fictional occurrence, but the film was written well enough to explain my point. A little one in the house. Fatigue. Not making time to emotionally, let alone physically, connect. Not dating each other. Not making sex a priority (sex shouldn't be seen as a marital luxury; it should be treated as a marital necessity). These are just some of the things that can usher in the winter sex season—a time when there is barely any sex to speak of. When it comes to the health and happiness of your relationship, it tends to potentially do the most damage. The thing to keep in mind is, like all seasons, even this one shall pass.
What to Remember About Your Seasons of Sex
How many of y'all remember the 80s pop group Exposé and their hit "Seasons Change"? Just like it's unavoidable that the planet's relationship to the sun will cause seasons to transition in and out, in many ways, the same point applies to married couples and their relationship; their sex life is no exception. And how can I be so sure that, just as spring sex comes and goes, so does winter sex and vice versa? It's actually due to a quote by a cartoonist by the name of Richard J. Needham who once said something extremely insightful and profound—"You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." Personally, this is why I think Scripture doesn't say that once two people are married that they are one; it says that they become one (Genesis 2:24-25).
Marriage is the process of constantly learning how to become "one" with your partner throughout life's transitions, and you and your spouse's changes. The ones who truly understand this have a far greater chance of, not only surviving, but thriving as a married couple—and handling the shifts in their intimacy.
Know what else? They have a much greater chance of not being the kind of couple who stays "stuck" in winter (a sexless marriage) for years on end. They take note of what's going on (and what's not going on), then they put forth the effort to address the matter so that they are able to reconnect. As they continue to evolve and become different versions of themselves, that is what can bring them back and spring (a newness of sex), to summer (hot 'n heavy sex), and provide them with the ways to proactively work through autumn (the ho-hum times) and not make reckless decisions like engage in an affair or abandon the marriage altogether during the winter.
Just imagine how many marital unions could remain intact if more couples saw their intimate life from this perspective. No matter what weather season you love and which one you hate, you adjust, right? You don't end your life, just because there is a season that you aren't particularly fond of; you prepare for it and endure. More couples should avoid the thought of ending their marriage just because late fall or winter has arrived as far as their sex life is concerned. In a similar manner, they should prepare and endure. Another baby is coming? Prepare and endure. Someone is about to lose their job? Prepare and endure. Health issues are on the horizon? Prepare and endure. Do this and the season won't last always. Seasons are never designed to. What you can know, without question, is they are so much easier to get through when you're committed to going through them together. Whether it's the weather or the…seasons of sex.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important
10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex
10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life
7 Things Married Couples Do To Damage Their Sex Lives & Don't Even Know It
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RELATED
It might sound like a strange approach on the surface, yet hear me out. There is plenty of science out here to support the fact that using mantras as a meditative practice can be beneficial on more than a few levels. Repeating a particular word or phrase while in a relaxed state can not only help reduce stress and get you to be more “present” (bookmark that), but mantras are also awesome when it comes to helping you to “reprogram” your mind so that you can feel more confident and less defensive.
This, in turn, can get your mind, body, and spirit to work in harmony with your partner — all of which are needed if you want to have a truly satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
If applying sex mantras to your world is something you’re willing to give a shot yet you have no clue of what to say, here are seven mantras that can inspire you to improve your boudoir action as well as come up with a few sex-themed ones of your own.
1. “My sensuality is incomparable.”
GiphyThe interesting thing about the word “sensual” (at least, to me) is a lot of people think that it automatically means “sexy” when that isn’t exactly the case. While sexiness is all about being sexually interesting or exciting, sensuality is more about gratifying one’s senses or appetite (which is why some people define food as being a “sensual experience”) — and yes, in several ways, those two things are quite different.
The reason why I say that is someone can look sexy all day long and still not be able to truly connect with their partner because they aren’t tapped into theirsexual love languages, theirerogenous zones, or what their partner may be sexually craving at the moment. Oh, but a sensual individual? They will be able to do all of this and so much more.
That’s actually one of the main reasons why I like the word “sensual” so much. You don’t have to look a certain way to be sensual. You don’t have to wear a specific thing to be sensual. You simply have to be observant, unselfish, and fully present — and yes, a person who is that way in the bedroom, they are both incomparable and unforgettable.
Just ask someone who has been with a sensual individual before. Watch how their eyes damn near glaze over as they reflect on the experiences. I’m not kidding.
So yeah, creating a mantra that encourages you to focus on your sensuality, even over being sexy, that is a great way to become a more sexually confident type of person — and where confidence resides, great results transpire. In and out of the bedroom alike.
2. “I am fully present.”
GiphyA few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How About Having A 'Mindful Orgasm' Tonight?” A big part of it consisted of learning how to be mindful, which at the end of the day, is about being present. And just what does that mean? Personally, I like howone article that I read on the topic defined it: “being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one’s surroundings – with acceptance and without judgment”.
Just a few days ago, a friend of mine and I were talking about what our favorite Luther Vandross songs were. Being the B-side woman that I am, I mentioned his joint, “For You to Love” (side note: peep YouTube comments on songs sometimes. I was moved to see a woman say that this was the last song she and her hubby danced to before he passed away 10 years ago and that they would’ve been together 54 years now if he was still alive).
Aside from the vocals and the bass player absolutely killin’ it, I just like the phrasing of sex in the song — nothing graphic, no unrealistic expectations (more on that in a bit); Luther said that he took a train in the pouring rain just for his partner to love him. Nothing more, nothing less.
And yes, taking on that kind of mindset sets the foundation for some pretty amazing sex because all you want to do is take in each moment, be fully engaged with your bae, and accept them (as they do the same thing for you) with no judgment. It’s not about what happened last time; it’s about simply enjoying this time. What happens happens, and what comes (or cums) comes. You’re here for all of it, and that’s what matters most. When it comes to sex, this is a lot of what being present is all about.
3. “If I didn’t want to please you, I wouldn’t be here.”
GiphySelfish people will never experience all that comes withmind-blowing sex (check out “Got A Selfish Lover? This Is What You Should Do About It.”). Why? Because all that they really care about is what they can get out of the exchange. That’s why, it has always been my belief that, if you want some of the best sex of your life,you need to be a pleaser, and your partner needs to be that way too. I am a huge fan of this because if you both get off on getting each other off…how can sex not be a wonderful experience?
On the other hand, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel or think this way…essentially, you are totally wasting your time because if all they care about is themselves, I mean…masturbation is right there. Right?
I mean, I don’t know about y’all, but whenmy past sex partners were on some, “I just want to make you feel good, everything else is a bonus,” already I was on the verge of damn near climaxing because if that is your top agenda, I already know that I’m about to be in for a really good time!
So yeah, if earth-shattering sex is your goal, always go into the experience with the mentality of, “My time is precious, and so, if I wasn’t trying to please you, I wouldn’t be here” while expecting no less from “him.” Because, it’s true — if you both didn’t want to make sure that each of you will be able to get the absolute most out of what is about to go down, why are you trying to have sex in the first place? I mean…really.
4. “Having me is an honor.”
GiphyYou can think it’s an old-fashioned, dated, or antiquated thing to say, yet I do really find it to be pretty sad, just how casual so many people are about sex — seemingly now more than ever. I say that becausebeing casual is (literally) about being things like apathetic, nonchalant, and purposeless — and no, I don’t think that copulation should have that kind of energy attached to it.
When you decide to share your body with another individual, and especially when we as women decide to allow someone to literally enter inside of us, that should be treated as both an honor and a privilege.
I’m not being grandiose; I used the word “honor” by design because it means that you should be highly respected, esteemed, and even praised — that there is something so distinctive (which is a synonym of honor) about you that no one should approach you with a “ho-hum” attitude. Sir, what you are about to partake in is something that is truly magnificent. Please take special note.
And here’s the thing, sis: when you believe this about yourself, it will definitely make your sexual experience a better one because when you see yourself as something that is worthy of praise, you tend to want to create encounters that will amplify that.” And no, I don’t care how many times someone has already “had the pleasure” with you. Yesterday is a thing of the past. If he’s able to be with you, right here and right now, it is still an honor. Yet again. Lucky him.
5. “The expectations here are connection and pleasure.”
GiphyThe Greek philosopher Heraclitus once said, “If you do not expect the unexpected, you will not recognize it when it arrives,” author Tom Bodett once said, “Disappointment resides in the gap between expectations and reality,” and some wise person out in the world once said, “Anger is just proof of how unrealistic your expectations were.”
When it comes to sex —even really good sex — I believe that all of these quotes should be tucked away somewhere in your mind because, as I also once read, oftentimes, we find ourselves frustrated in our relationships because we tie the word “always” to it. In other words, we don’t allow a lot of room for change, surprises, or simply something different, and the bedroom is not exempt from this.
Keeping all of this in mind, just imagine what it would be like if, each and every time we decided to have an intimate moment with our partner, we only had two expectations: to connect with them on a special level and to make sure that pleasure is mutually experienced. Not that sex is like it was the last time. Not thatmultiple orgasms must be had. Not that minds must be blown.
Imagine if the goal was simply to connect in a pleasurable way. Taking the pressure off to perform — or outperform — reduces stress, which opens the door up to all types of possibilities because you aren’t looking for anything other than to enjoy your partner…however that chooses to manifest itself. This time.
6. “Our desire is significant.”
GiphyI like the word “desire,” especially when it comes to sex. Desire means to make a request. Desire means to have a craving. Desire means to be sexually attracted. Desire means to see something (or one) asa source of satisfaction and enjoyment. Desire is about being highly passionate. Desire is about being eager to please. Desire is about having a voracious appetite. Desire is about having a clear motive. And, in this instance,desire is about lust — and love.
Taking all of this in, imagine what sex between you and your partner would be like if, all throughout the day, in preparation of what was to come, you both simply said to yourselves (and perhaps to each other on a call or via text) something along the lines of, “Our desire for each other is significant.” Yeah, I like the word “significant” too because it means that something or someone is special, important, and deserving of one’s attention. That said, GOODNESS — just imagine how you would feel if your partner shot you a text that said something like, “I crave you, and my intention is to please you on every level; that is how much I want you, so I request your presence at this hotel room tonight. It’s important.” WHEEEEEW.
Yeah, imagine if, every time you and your partner had sex, you went into seeing it — valuing it — as an important opportunity where you can have your appetite quenched. If that mindset doesn’t improve your sex life, honey…I don’t know what to tell you.
7. “I deserve this.”
GiphyLast year, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Before You Talk About What You 'Deserve'...Do You Know What That Even Means?” Yep, I’m big on speaking out about what deserve means because far too many people out here come with an entitled — if not flat-out delusional — attitude about it. Why do I say that? Because, again, by definition of the word, in order to deserve something (or someone), you need to be qualified.
For instance, why should someone think that they deservea six-figure earner when they barely make $30,000, they have nothing in their savings account, and their credit is in shambles? Not only that, but they have a pattern of misspending and no plans to improve their financial issues. I’m telling you, once you get into your mind that you need to strive to “be what you think that you deserve,” not only does it humble you, it helps you to be more realistic in your approach to…a lot of things.
And as I bring this to a close, what does this have to do with sex? Well, when you choose a partner to share your body and energy with, whether you realize it, you are qualifying them to be with you. You are essentially saying that they have the “proper or necessary skills, knowledge, credentials, etc.” to experience intimacy with you on that level. And when they choose you, they are essentially saying the same thing (which is why people need to be more selective about who they choose to copulate with, chile).
And so, since both of you are qualified, there is no reason to be self-conscious, to worry about if you are “skilled enough” or to overthink everything. By you and your partner deciding to experience each other in this way and on this level, sis, you automatically deserve it — you deserve to have a memorable exchange that will bring you joy and fulfillment. Go into it with that mindset and watch how satisfied you will feel.
___
That’s the thing about a mantra. While, on the surface, it seems like a simple phrase, if you unpack the meaning behind it, you’ll be amazed by what type of transformative vibes you can bring into your life — including your sex life.
Try it. You just might like it. A LOT.
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