Is There Really Such A Thing As A "Perfect Match"?
I'm somewhat of a pop culture head. I'm pretty sure that's why, whenever I hear the phrase, "perfect match", the first thing that comes to my mind—well, it might surprise you. Ready? It's the song from School Daze. Some of y'all might remember when Jane (Tisha Campbell) licked the scalp of Julian (Giancarlo Esposito) while the song, "Perfect Match" played in the background (couldn't find the actual movie footage but you can listen to the song itself here). Yeah, it's kinda one of those things that you can't un-see once you've seen it. Along these same lines, the next thing that usually comes to mind is the movieThe Perfect Match starring Terrence J and Cassie. If you didn't catch it when it came out in 2016, basically the premise of it has something in common with the characters in School Daze—both couples idealized one another, so much, that they initially thought they were "perfect" for each other. Yet, once more layers started to get pulled back and reality started to really set in, they ended up having to accept that, when it came to being the so-called perfect couple, nothing could be further from the truth.
Yes, I intro'd this point by referring to two fictionalized accounts. But y'all, in real life, I sit in counseling sessions all of the time that consist of two people who are either extremely disappointed or flat-out pissed off that their partner, the one who they initially thought was perfect for them, has turned out to be any and everything but. And because they are so hurt by that, almost to the point of believing they've been betrayed, they figure that the appropriate response is to the end of the relationship so that they can make room to find true perfection.
Hmph. I'm hoping that I don't need to tell you that anyone who's looking for the perfect person is going to be on that quest, for the rest of their life. But what about the ever-so-romantic—and I'm rolling my eyes, even as I'm typing this, by the way—phrase, "They might not be perfect, but they are perfect for me"? Is that worth looking for? Eh. It depends on how you look at the word "perfect".
And that's actually what we're going to dive into today—figuring out if there is such a thing as a perfect match when it comes to romantic relationships. Let's look deeper by addressing five main points.
Perfection Is Hella Overrated
If you're out here looking for your perfect match, take a moment to ponder a particular definition of the word. To be perfect is to be "excellent or complete beyond practical or theoretical improvement". Aside from this being an impossibility for any human being (short of Christ himself), this definition alone is why I encourage people to desire a relationship that is healthy (functioning well), not perfect. Why? Because one of the most beautiful things about a healthy relationship is it consists of two people who are invested in helping the other to grow, evolve and mature into a better version of themselves. If the relationship was already "perfect", where would there be a need for any of this, since there is nothing that needs to be improved upon?
If that sounds absolutely crazy to you, let me try and approach it from another pop culture reference standpoint. Any of you who are old school Sex & the City fans will probably remember the episode when Carrie kept trying to create drama with Aiden when they first started dating (there's a clip of it here). Why was she being a relational drama queen? Because—get this—things were going too well for her (Carrie really was a pretty neurotic mess in hindsight, y'all). While that might sound dysfunctional AF (and it is), there are a lot of people who are a lot like this, just on a lower and more self-aware scale.
"This" in the sense that they don't want to be bored in their relationship. They want a few challenges. They look forward to a-ha moments and emotional roller coaster rides. Smooth sailing freaks them out. Perfection seems suffocating.
So yeah, let's start with one reason why a perfect match is a ridiculous notion is because most of us don't want something that doesn't require any improvement on some level. We merely want something that isn't toxic or counterproductive. And when it comes to that resolve, being in something that is healthy will suit us just fine. Next point.
Know What Else Perfection Is? SELFISH.
Something that is needed, for any relationship to flourish, is maturity. And a part of what comes with being mature is having the kind of emotional intelligence that portrays a healthy level of empathy. When a person is empathetic, not only does it mean that they can identify with the thoughts and feelings of another person, but they are intentional about doing it. When someone expects perfection, whether it be from their partner or their relationship, it means that, whenever their partner makes a mistake (or sometimes even just a poor choice because that is not always or necessarily one and the same), the person leaves no room for forgiveness or even hearing their partner out because wanting perfection is wanting no room for improvement, remember?
Not only that, but desiring perfection means you are only caught up in what you expect rather than what the reality of something is. Well, that is until you are the individual who is needing the forgiveness, a listening ear or a shoulder of support.
Example. It's been more than a dozen times when I've helped a couple work through infidelity. The person who initially gets cheated on is always like "this is the unpardonable sin" (yeah, if you're a Christian, you don't want to get into how the Word says that husbands should love their wives like Christ loved the Church and the Church are people who are unfaithful to the godhead on a regular basis—Ephesians 5). But sometimes, I'm able to encourage the one on the receiving end of the cheating to stay, only for them to do the exact same thing later up the pike. Suddenly, when they are the offender, now there are explanations, justifications and the longing for compassion.
That's the thing about perfection. It can have you out here being so focused on how much it can benefit you that you don't realize the painful boomerang that it creates when you fail to meet perfection's expectations. And that's why I say that it's a selfish way of thinking. You're not always going to do things perfectly, so don't expect your partner to.
Perfection Is Also Fleeting, Temporary and Non-Committal
Everyone's love journey is different. I'll be the first one to say that. But whenever a person tells me that they're considering marrying someone who they've only known for a short period of time (by that I mean, they met them in six months or less), I am always—and I do mean, always—encouraging them to pump their brakes. Now I will say that although some scientific research says that six months is all that it takes in order for a person to know if someone else is marriage material, and I've even written an article on here that says many think that 13 months is how long you should (seriously) date before getting married (check out "Experts Say You Should Date This Long Before Getting Married"), I really believe that all of this needs to have the disclaimer of it only applying if you previously knew the person before you actually got into a relationship with them.
While there are some of us who reveal a lot of who we are (perhaps too much; that's what my peeps tell me about myself—LOL), straight outta the gate, more folks lean towards only revealing their good side, for at least 3-4 months or so. Some call that side a person's representative. And so, if that's all that you know, it can be very easy to think someone is perfect for you, when all that they're showing is, well, perfection. Then, you jump fully in—only to find out about a year later that they've got all kinds of bullshishery going on. Not necessarily vile, dangerous or even "bad" stuff; just things that don't complement you well or things that you don't want to deal with long-term. I actually have someone close to me who is going through the regret of marrying their partner in under two years, realizing that they didn't really know them very well at all.
That's why I say that, when it comes to romantic relationships, more times than not, if two people claim they are with someone who is perfect, they are also signing themselves up for a situation that is gonna have a shorter expiration date than what they actually bargained for or emotionally prepared for. Because until "the representative" goes away, oftentimes all you're seeing is a grand illusion. And once that bubble pops and reality sets in, it can cause you to see that you wanted someone…totally different.
Besides, Two Imperfect People Cannot Create a Perfect Match
I'm just gonna go ahead and put it out there. A lot of people are relational hypocrites. What I mean by that is, they want the kind of partner that they themselves are not. As I said earlier, this reveals itself, most often, in those who seem to think they should be forgiven for all of the things they do wrong while they tend to take on the "one and done" approach when their partner messes up. I really do say it all of the time in my sessions—if you're not good at forgiving others, you're someone who doesn't need to be in a relationship because, the reality—no matter how ugly, uncomfortable or not preferred it might be—is no one is perfect and everyone ends up disappointing us, at one point or another. That said, you're not perfect, by any stretch, so it would be ridiculous for your partner to expect you to be that way. By the same token, why would you put that kind of "perfection pressure" on him?
A healthy and thriving relationship isn't about looking for someone who is perfect. Emotional intelligence and maturity teach us that it's more about looking for the kind of person whose strengths serve to be a good complement for us and whose weaknesses are ones that we can truly handle.
I will die on the hill that, a perfect match leans on the side of being totally ridiculous because, how does that even happen when the two folks in the relationship aren't perfect themselves? Since they need to consistently improve, how could the connection not require the same mercy and grace? Anyone who declares they are a "perfect match" should revisit the word "perfect" often. Because again, if you are professing that your relationship cannot stand to improve, you are just fooling yourself. Everything and everyone needs improvement. That's not a bad thing. That's just the truth.
A Wonderful Complement Is a Far More Realistic Goal
Now that perfection has been broken down, all the way to the floor, does that mean that absolutely beautiful examples of love don't exist? I am absolutely NOT saying that. I know some people who, while I don't refer to them as being a "perfect match", it is extremely evident that they complement each other exceptionally well. I'll even go so far as to call them "soulmates" because I don't romanticize that term.
The Hebrew word for soulmate is "beshert" which translates into meaning things like "destined", "inevitable" or "meant to be". And yes, some people, I believe, when they allow God to lead them in their lives, they are brought to the mate who best suits them. That doesn't mean their soulmate is their perfect match, though. Actually, from the way I see it, it means God has brought them to someone who will best improve them as they do the same for their partner. A soulmate or bashert is about an amazing complement (check out "If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life") NOT a perfect match.
So, while this might've burst some Disney and chick flick bubbles, I actually think that is a good thing. Perfection may be a goal, but, at the end of the day, it's an impossible one. Don't waste your very precious time looking for a man who is perfect when you aren't. Open yourself up to the possibility of connecting with someone who is good, who is holistically healthy, who strives for improvement and will complement you best. That guy? He's better than perfection because that guy…is real.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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