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The Founder Of Hyper Skin Saw A Gap In The Skincare Industry, So She Filled It
Black Woman Owned is a limited series highlighting Black woman business owners who are change-makers and risk-takers in their respective realms. As founders, these women dare to be bold, have courage in being the change they wish to see in the world and are unapologetic when it comes to their vision. These Black women aren't waiting for a seat, they are owning the table.
With hyperpigmentation being one of the most talked-about concerns for melanin-rich skin, it almost comes as a surprise that something as revolutionary as Hyper Skin took the beauty industry by storm only two years ago. The star product of the brand, Hyper Clear Brightening Clearing Vitamin C Serum, is a zealous vitamin C serum designed to brighten skin and tackle dark marks and hyperpigmentation. What sets this buzzworthy serum apart from the sea of products on the market, is that at its core, Hyper Skin was created to be more than a band-aid for hyperpigmentation, it was formulated to be a solution. And we can thank its founder, Desiree Verdejo, for that.
Beauty and skincare have always been personal to Desiree. As a boutique owner of the Harlem-based, Vivrant Beauty, from 2015 to 2018, Desiree found herself within a beauty boom of Black-owned businesses sprouting within the market and wanted to curate a space for these brands to thrive and reach their core community. Although she was surrounded by a limitless selection of brands that could serve as a remedy to her hyperpigmentation, she knew she needed more than what the market was offering. "For so many years, we've been told, 'You can make this work.' But that isn't sufficient at this stage," Desiree shares.
Courtesy of Desiree Verdejo
Guided by the principle of "we deserve," Desiree decided that it was time to create a product that not only spoke her most difficult customer to please, herself but also connect with Black and brown customers to finally have their needs spoken to directly. She expressed, "I want to see myself, I want to see a product that speaks to my specific concerns, I shouldn't have to search for that and make it work in a space where there are so many options."
Hyper Skin offers something different. It fills a gap within the skincare space for women who have gone long overlooked, allowing their skin needs to be brought to light in an intimate way. "The community that we're building is an enthusiastic one. They feel like space is being created for them and so that energy is pliable, it's exciting, the industry is paying attention to that." In doing so, Hyper Skin is bringing realness back to real skin.
And yes, you can, in fact, believe the Hype.
xoNecole: How did you know it was time to launch Hyper Skin? What space did you hope to fill with the brand?
Desiree Verdejo: Being in my store [Vivrant Beauty] and being with so many different women of different skin tones highlighted how we have certain skincare concerns as brown-skin folks and there's such a disconnect between what we're experiencing and what brands are on the market. Talking to my customers and hearing what was bothering them and driving them to our store, made me realize that what the skincare industry was creating — we're saying dark spots, they're saying, "Here's some anti-aging stuff," — there's just a disconnect between our skincare needs."
I had a light bulb moment where I decided that we need skincare created that speaks to the clinical needs of brown-skin people. At the time when I started down the path of creating Hyper, I was still in my boutique [Vivrant Beauty] but I had just had a baby and my own skin was going crazy because I was dealing with all this hormonal acne and this dramatic hyperpigmentation from that. It was a personal moment that emphasized that this was something that was missing and my customers just affirmed that. So I went down the path of creating formulas and ultimately got really excited about the void that would be filled by Hyper, and just decided that I would pivot from my beauty boutique to Hyper Skin because I knew that story needed to be told clearly.
"I was dealing with all this hormonal acne and this dramatic hyperpigmentation from that. It was a personal moment that emphasized that this was something that was missing and my customers just affirmed that. So I went down the path of creating formulas and ultimately got really excited about the void that would be filled by Hyper, and just decided that I would pivot from my beauty boutique to Hyper Skin because I knew that story needed to be told clearly."
Courtesy of Desiree Verdejo
Before you took the plunge into entrepreneurship, it took you two years to actually leave your career as a lawyer. What was that "in-between" season like for you?
Yeah! I feel like on the internet and social media people are like, "Yeah, just do it [start the business], but the truth is it's not easy to leave a comfortable career. In New York as a lawyer, there's a great salary, there are great benefits — definitely a comfortable scenario, so it did take me a while to save and be mentally ready to make that transition. At the time, I was doing little things like meeting people, networking in the beauty space that I was trying to enter, exploring brands, and looking into real estate in New York.
And the same is true for when I made the transition to launching Hyper. There's always this middle space and even if you're in another career, there's always stuff that you could be doing personally and financially in terms of the business to move the needle closer to turning making that business into a reality.
Having struggled with skin acne and hyperpigmentation since you were a teenager which is such a pain point for melanated women, how has your relationship with your skin evolved over the years in acceptance? Where do you think you are when it comes to your skin and just embodying your imperfections?
One of the things that I've accepted is that skin is cyclical. It may be at a clearer point, then mid-month you might have a breakout, so for me, it's all about education and accepting the realness of skin. For so long, we've just seen airbrushed skin and models who have won the genetic lottery and the truth of the matter is hyperpigmentation and dark marks are not flaws, these are all normal features of the skin. I think I have come to accept that with my own personal skin and that's something that I've tried to breathe into the brand.
You’ve mentioned that Hyper, as a brand, is personal. Not feeling seen by brands or finding products that served your particular needs seemed to serve as a compass for you. How has creating a product that spoke to your needs first been a benefit as a business owner?
What I'm noticing is that in this [beauty] space, there are — and will continue to be — brands that try to speak to Black customers, brown customers, etc. But for me as someone who's always dealt with acne and hyperpigmentation, it's been important to not just show brown faces but to show and celebrate real skin and to show real results. As someone who has been on the other side of the aisle, I know that feeling. [We] have our messaging be really clear so you don't have to be a skin expert to understand how our products work and what our expectations are.
So many skincare lines are created by dermatologists, estheticians, models, and celebrities with perfect skin, but ours being created by someone who is my most difficult customer to please, myself, I think that's influenced all areas and that's what our customers are drawn to. It's something they haven't seen in the market for their own skin. So many brands will create a dark mark corrector but not show dark marks in their ads, or create a hyperpigmentation product that's the number one concern for Black people, and not show brown skin. I think it resonates with our customers that this is created for them for that reason.
As I look over your career, it’s very clear that you are a gap-filler. You’re able to see what’s missing in the market and you fill it. What are your guiding principles in trusting your gut to fill and create new spaces?
I think my guiding principle is: "we deserve." As a Black woman that's a lover of beauty, for so many years, in so many categories, we've been told, "you can make this work." But the "you can make this work" isn't sufficient at this stage. Because I was in the beauty space, I also realized that skincare is a crowded market, but because it is crowded, people expect to be spoken to directly. I want to see myself, I want to see a product that speaks to my specific concerns, I shouldn't have to search for that and make it work in a space where there are so many options. My principle is we deserve and we deserve to be spoken to directly and be catered to and for our issues to be solved. When that wasn't the case, I felt motivated to create those solutions and options.
"I want to see myself, I want to see a product that speaks to my specific concerns, I shouldn't have to search for that and make it work in a space where there are so many options. My principle is we deserve. We deserve to be spoken to directly and be catered to and for our issues to be solved. When that wasn't the case, I felt motivated to create those solutions and options."
Courtesy of Desiree Verdejo
What are your current go-to skincare products? How does your skincare routine look these days?
It's a hard one because we are in development and I am using a few things that we are developing. Outside of that, I do use SPF. It's a go-to! I am a Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen stan like so many other people. I am loving exploring so many of the Black-owned cosmetics brands that are on the market, Range Beauty, I love! I just ordered by Ami Cole which is like a no-makeup, makeup brand. That's what I'm loving right now, those are the highlights of my routine. Shout out to those Black brands!
"The community that we're building is an enthusiastic one, they're like, we love your serum, what's next? And it's because they feel like space is being created for them. That energy is pliable, it's exciting, and the industry is paying attention to that."
Courtesy of Desiree Verdejo
You've experienced a number of career pivots on your path. What advice would you impart to a young woman who's looking to take the leap into entrepreneurship or needs guidance about their next career chapter?
There's nothing that has helped me more in pivoting careers, problem-solving as a founder, or scaling my business than being surrounded by dynamic people from a broad range of backgrounds. I'm a community-minded person, I give a lot and people have poured so much information and support into me. I would advise young women at any point in their careers to surround themselves with people in their areas of interest. Social media platforms like Instagram, Clubhouse, and LinkedIn and in-person and digital events really allow you to get in front of and to keep up with people so use that access to your advantage.
Grab your very own Hyper Clear Vitamin C Serum here! And to keep with all things Hyper Skin, click here!
Featured image courtesy of Desiree Verdejo
Originally published on June 28, 2021
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Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
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Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
6 Things Church Taught You About Dating That Weren't (Fully) Biblical
Aight, so I’m thinking that a lot of you have played the game of Gossip at some point. If not, it’s when one person will come up with something to tell the individual who is sitting next to them, and then that person will repeat what was said to the individual who is next to them, and the cycle repeats itself until it gets back to the original person. The goal is for the first individual to hear back what they said verbatim.
Oftentimes, though, whether it was because people weren’t paying close attention or their objective was to jack the message up altogether, things don’t play out that way, and the first person gets back a message that sounds totally different than what came out of their mouth at the beginning.
Y’all, as you’re about to see in just a second, as “triggering” as it might be for some of you to hear (or read for yourselves once you revisit certain Scriptures in order to fact-check), a lot of what we’ve been taught about dating, courtship and marriage (a piece like this on marriage itself we’ll have to do at another time), as far as what the Bible actually says, has been like one long game of Gossip. Certain things have been altered, romanticized, or flat-out manipulated and then “rinse and repeated” for so long that folks state the alterations as (pardon the pun) gospel — when they shouldn’t be, especially if you want to apply Scripture, as it’s taught, to your own relational situations.
The last line in the Message Version of Luke 6:26 simply says, “Your task is to be true, not popular." And so, in spite of what the popular takes on dating may be in pulpits all over the world, let’s look into what it appears that the actual biblical truth is.
Could be quite a ride for some of y’all. Sit tight.
1. Relationship Can Come Before Purpose
Anyone who has heard me speak on the Bible before knows that my absolute favorite part of it is the Garden of Eden. It’s the only place where perfection is documented, and so, to me, that translates that we should still strive to live our life the way that it’s mentioned in the first two chapters of the Good Book. And when it comes to dating, if you pay very close attention, although both men and women were made in the image of the Godhead (Genesis 1:26-28),Adam came first (Genesis 2:7) — and if you read the story, just as it was told, Adam had a relationship with God and a purpose assigned by God BEFORE the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 3:20) came into the picture.
This is why I don’t get all of the pressure that folks in college (for example) put on themselves when it comes to serious relationships and marriage. The time when many folks are hyper-focused on figuring out what their purpose is is when they are completing their formal education, and since a big part of “finding the one” is figuring out who complements your purpose most and best, purpose should come above all else. Know what else? You shouldn’t choose someone who tries to get you to abandon your purpose since your purpose is literally the reason why you’re here, to begin with (because that is exactly what “purpose” means).
So yeah, if you want to date the biblical way, a man who is aligned with his Creator and also knows his purpose in life should be the top things on your agenda. If those things are lacking, prepare yourself to automatically do some…struggling. Unnecessarily so. That said, if a man is consumed with getting right with God and knowing what his purpose is, don’t be, as the church mothers put it, a “stumbling block,” move out of the way. Make sure you and your own Creator are aligned and that you are walking in your purpose, too. Do that and I promise that your plate will be plenty full.
2. Men Are Hunters
I actually think I’ve touched on this one before; however, because it irks me to no end to hear folks say that “men are hunters” when it comes to dating, let me just say that ADAM WAS A GARDENER, NOT A HUNTER — and yes, I am yelling it! What in a woman says she wants to see herself as some man’s prey when it comes to relationships? Nothing. Instead, it makes a lot more sense that Adam, in the state of perfection, was a gardener because gardeners cultivate things, and cultivate means “to refine,” “to promote the growth or improvement of,” “to seek the friendship of” and “to devote oneself to.” When it comes to what a husband should do for a wife, doesn’t that make a whole lot more sense?
Besides, some biblical hunters who immediately come to my mind are Cain (who killed his brother — Genesis 4) and Esau (who was jealous of his brother — Genesis 25), and what about them, as husbands, sounds especially comforting? Besides, one more time: if a man hunted you, he can make having you in his life be all about him.
However, if he allows God to BRING YOU TO HIM (like God did for Adam in Genesis 2:22), then he has no choice but to see you as a gift from the Most High (remember, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above…” — James 1:17[NKJV]) which humbles him enough to treat you as a manifestation of God’s love instead of something that he acquired on his own.
Yeah, y’all can keep those hunting men. For me, I want a gardener. Full stop.
3. You Should Pray for Your Own “Boaz”
If there is one thing that really gets on my nerves, it’s when people treat God like he’s Santa Claus or act like there is a formulaic prayer they can say that will suddenly make Him do whatever they want. An example of this that immediately comes to mind is when Ciara married Russel Wilson; it seemed like, for a year straight, all we heard as women wanting to know what she prayed in order to bring him into her life. C’mon people, God does not work that way. As it says in Psalm 33:15(NKJV), “He fashions their hearts individually; He considers all their works.” This means that each person has their own customized life walk and love story — this includes Ciara and a biblical character who gets treated a lot like Ciara: Ruth.
“I’m just waiting on my Boaz.” Why?Boaz is a man from thousands of years ago and somebody else’s husband. Not only that, but by the way, a lot of y’all talk about how you want to be dated/courted; you don’t want Ruth’s story anyway. Read the Book of Ruth just as it was written. With Naomi’s instruction (Ruth 3), Ruth made the first move. Ruth pursued that man (similar to how Esther pursued King Xerses). And if folks would get Disney out of their minds, it wasn’t exactly the love story that gets told. Remember that Ruth was a Moabite (Ruth 1:4) and Boaz was Hebrew.
When she went to see him in the middle of the night (by the way, one of my favorite books says that the actual Hebrew translation says that she went to his thighs, not his feet — check outThe Gospel of Ruth: Loving God Enough to Break the Rules) and he made it his mission to find the closest relative who was eligible to marry her, a part of the motive was to protect her. Back then, a Moabite (because marrying Boaz “redeemed her” more than merely following Naomi back to her hometown — Ruth 1:16-17) coming onto a Hebrew warranted stoning; he was protecting her more than it was some beautiful love affair.
One more thing: according to the Midrash (which is a highly respected Jewish commentary on divine Scripture; remember, the first language of the Bible is Hebrew), Boaz actually died on his and Ruth’s wedding night sometime after their marriage was consummated (clearly because she later birthed Obed, their son — Ruth 4:17).
Okay, so some of y’all are out here saying that you want a much older man, who you have to work pretty hard to get his attention, who you then have to take great risks to pursue, who you then have to wait while he sees if another man wants to marry you before he proposes, and who then dies before you can go on your honeymoon, leaving you to raise a baby with the help of your mother-in-law from your other husband who died as well. Do you really?
Church folks are good for saying that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and then will say, repeatedly, things that are common without really pondering and processing if they know the weight of what comes with it. No woman needs to wait on “her Boaz.” Trust God to lead you into your own love story — however, that turns out.
4. Finding (Automatically) Means Pursuing
For all of you consistent churchgoers, when it comes to dating and courtship, what would you consider to be the anchor verse that is used the most often? If you said, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 — NKJV), I think that I would have to agree with you. Yet, it always tickles me how much focus is put on the word “find” more than “wife” (there sure is a lot of talk about what men need to bring to the table when if you need to be a wife before marriage, there are some serious qualities that you need to bring to the table too, sis — check out “Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?”).
Find. I already mentioned that in the state of perfection, Adam was asleep (unconscious) when God made the Woman and then BROUGHT HER to Adam. Brought is the past tense of bring and bring means “to cause to occur or exist; to cause to come into a particular position, state, or effect; to cause to come to or toward oneself; attract." If God brought the Woman, there was no “finding” to be done. Not only that, but "find" means a whole lot of things — not just “pursue.”
Find: to come upon by chance; meet with; to locate, attain, or obtain by search or effort [which is basically to pursue]; to locate or recover (something lost or misplaced); to discover or perceive after consideration; to gain or regain the use of; to ascertain by study or calculation; to feel or perceive; to become aware of, or discover (oneself), as being in a condition or location
Do you see all of those definitions? Like I say often, I can be looking for a missing tube of lip gloss and find five dollars. I didn’t pursue the “five;” I discovered it. So yeah, everyone who puts extra emphasis on “find” whenever they quote Proverbs 18:22 could stand to open up a dictionary and see that it’s a very vast word. The biggest takeaway here is to allow your steps to be ordered (Proverbs 37:23) and to be wife quality so that whether you meet your husband by chance (find), he pursues you (find), you regain each other (after some time has passed which also means “find”) — whatever the case may be, you’re ready.
5. Women Are the Prize (Uh-Oh)
If there is one relationship-based debate that I really wish would wind itself up — quick, fast, and in a super-duper hurry, it’s if the man or woman is the prize (insert all sorts of eye rolls here). For one thing, prize literally means “anything striven for, worth striving for, or much valued” and value means “relative worth, merit, or importance.” That said, why in the world should anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see them as something of great value or wouldn’t want to treat their partner as something of great value? What kind of sense does that make?
Besides, even though Scripture says that a helpmate (which is what women were created for men to be — Genesis 2:18) is a lifesaver for a man (because the Hebrew word for helpmate isezer kenegdo) and that is pretty amazing, a husband ain’t no slouch either. In fact, check it:
“When they observe the pure and modest way in which you conduct yourselves, together with your reverence [for your husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence includes: to respect, defer to, revere him—to honor, esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to, deeply love, and enjoy your husband].” (I Peter 3:2 — AMPC)
According to Scripture, the man who vows to the Lord (Ecclesiastes 5:1-7) to be your provider and protector for the rest of your life, he should be highly respected (Ephesians 5:33) and seen as a PRIZE. I really don’t get what else needs to be said about this one — so I’ll just move right along.
6. God Will Give You Whatever You Desire
Something else that church folks like to do: edit Scripture. Don’t believe me? What part of this verse do you tend to hear the most?
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart.” — Psalm 37:4 (NKJV)
C’mon — we all know that it’s the part that comes after the comma that folks literally beat to death. And in the context of this article, many women will proudly and boldly be on some, if I want a (pardon correlation here) “6-6-6 man” (check out “Okay, So Here's What You Need To Know About the '6-6-6' Man”), surely God will bring him to me because it’s what my heart desires.
Yeah…NAW. Again, if we’re doing strictly Scripture here, no believer should be out here professing that they follow their heart because Jeremiah 17:9-10 says that the heart is deceitful. Makes sense, too, because a definition of "heart" is “center of emotions,” and feelings can be quite fickle, which means that you can want one thing one day and something else the next, and God? He’s not erratic and unstable like that. Plus, Psalm 37 says that delighting in the Lord is what should come before your desires, and doing that consists of finding joy and pleasure in Him so that — please catch this part — His wants for you become your wants as well because that’s how much you trust Him.
Not to mention the fact that James 4:2-3(NKJV) says, “Yet you do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask amiss, that you may spend it on your pleasures.” "Amiss" means “out of the right or proper course, order, or condition; improperly; wrongly; astray,” so no, you don’t get whatever (or whomever) you want “just because.” If what you desire is out of order or it’s going to lead you astray, according to Scripture, merely asking (or automatically expecting) is not what will cause God to grant it to you — because it goes against his will for you.
Yeah…I said that this was gonna hurt a bit. It’s Scriptural, though — and the truth shall set you free (John 8:31-32). Let me close out with one more.
BONUS: There Are No Boyfriends and Girlfriends in the Bible
Know why I can’t find a Scripture for what she said? It’s because there are no boyfriend/girlfriend dynamics in the Bible. NOT. A. ONE. You’re single (check out “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'”), betrothed (engaged), married, divorced (and that’s rare in the Bible), or widowed. That’s it (the same goes with filing taxes; there’s no “dating” box to check).
And that’s why I say often that the way our culture dates teaches people how to divorce, NOT marry because giving your all to multiple people only for it to not work out tends to either numb or jade you to the point that when you do actually get married, you don’t see relationship as much more than a dating dynamic and so you treat divorce like it’s nothing more than a break-up — even though Scripture absolutely does not look at it through that casual type of lens (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11).
So, how do I think folks go from single to engaged and then married? I know people who were friends, close friends, who were also low-key attracted to one another. When both were ready for marriage, they had conversations about what merging lives would look like. They got engaged, and then they jumped the broom. Relatively smooth transitions with no drama and a big part of it is because they BOTH were ready for marriage, and their lives complemented one another. Bottom line, acting married when you’re not “programs” you to not treat marriage as sacred and special (which may be whileyour chances for divorce increase if you live together prior to saying “I do” — and that’s just how it’s designed to be seen.
____
This was a lot. Believe me, I know. And I definitely encourage you to do some deep diving on the points that may have made you “feel some type of way.” Really, if I had a bottom line for all of this — study the Bible for yourself, look deeper into the Scriptures that you think you already know, and don’t apply a one-size-fits-all to love stories.
God is bigger than that. The Bible is bigger than that. Your love story is bigger than that.
Let the Church say…AMEN.
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