Tick Tock: How To Get Over The Fear Of Your Biological Clock
It really is kind of crazy, the things we seem to insist only learning, only by hindsight. Even though I've always been told that I would be a good mom and I've consistently had a special connection with kids (including ones I don't even know running up to me or literally clapping for me in random places like the mall), at almost 45, I think I've made peace with not having any. Or, at least not giving birth to any.
It's not for the reason that you probably think either. As a doula, I know that women are having healthy children in their 40s and even 50s. But when I look back over my past choices (including four abortions and opting to not aggressively pursue dating or to even be sexually-active in my 30s), there's a part of me that wonders if I ever wanted to be a mom. I can't help but think that it was more about subscribing to the thought I should simply because, well, that's what people with a female reproductive system are supposed to do…right?
Every 21st of the month, around noon, my period begins. The blood is bright red. There's no pain or clotting. Eggs are still dropping. Maybe once all of this stops, I'll start to freak out. But for now, if there is one word that I can use to describe how I feel, it's "peaceful." Truly peaceful. About being a 40-something single woman who can have children but doesn't have any.
If you're approaching 35, you just read all of that and you can't even remotely relate because on your Top 5 list of life accomplishments, becoming a mother is on it and so right now, you're not even close to being peaceful about your situation, I'm hoping that I can provide you with a little bit of reassurance that you and your biological clock can live in harmony; that not being a mommy (yet) isn't something that should totally consume you. Not at all.
Do Your Research
There used to be a time when if a woman was 35 or over and she wanted to get pregnant, her physician would give her major side-eye. "Geriatric pregnancy" was a term she didn't want to hear. But you know what? Most of the women I personally know had children in their late 30s and 40s. A couple of years ago, I was the doula for a 42-year-old mom. My godchild's mom is going to have her second daughter this summer and she's 37. One of my closest friends will be 60 when her daughter is 18.
These aren't random "freaks" of nature either. Articles like "Forty (or Close) is the New 20 for Having Babies" and "Why More Women Are Having Babies at 50 and Beyond" are also evidence that motherhood ain't just for those in their 20s.
That's not to say it's all smooth sailing. Reportedly, 30 percent of women between 40-44 have severe fertility issues, women over 40 tend to have more miscarriages, and after 45, having a baby with your own eggs is…very challenging.
But these are stats and each person's body is different. I'm just saying that you shouldn't assume that just because you're in your 30's or more and not a mom that you can't become pregnant up the road. Women are boldly proving that we can, so do your own research. The info you find just might surprise you in a positive kind of way.
See Your Doctor (Regularly)
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What I said about me and my menstrual cycle wasn't meant to be TMI. I said it for a specific purpose. Knowing the signs of a healthy vs. unhealthy period can reveal a lot about what's going on with you, fertility-wise. If you have intense cramping, big and/or lots of clots, irregular periods, heavy bleeding (especially after the first day), very long or very short cycles, diarrhea and/or vomiting during your period or bleeding in between your periods, you need to speak with your doctor asap (it's also important to get an annual physical too).
Other things that can affect fertility include obesity, smoking, alcohol, too much caffeine, working out more than seven hours each week, Depo-Provera, thyroid issues, and stress.
I'm sharing all of this simply because there are some women who, once they do decide to get pregnant, have a difficult time not because of their age but due to their lifestyle. The better care you take care of yourself, the greater your chances will be of conceiving, even later on in life.
Check Your Motives
I've got a friend who is only a year older than I am. However, his mother is almost 20 years older than mine. What he is currently going through, I would be freaking out if I had to do it all. His mother is almost 90 years old and he's been the one who's had to worry about medical bills, insurance, and basically providing for her for…shoot, as long as I can remember.
Honestly, watching him is a part of the reason why I think I'm good on having a baby at this season of my life. I'm only speaking for myself when I say this, but I'm not just thinking about me and a little one over the next few years but what the quality of their life will be like as a young adult with a senior parent as well.
My point? Healthy parenting is synonymous with selflessness. It's beneficial to not only want a child "just because you want to" or "because all of your friends have one" but because there are some deeper reasons and advantages—for you and your baby—long-term.
Once your baby arrives, it's going to remind you on a daily basis that having them around isn't just about you. Make sure your motive for wanting one isn't just about you either.
Be Open-Minded
There's a couple I know who've been having pretty significant fertility issues throughout their entire marriage. They're both in their 40s now. Whenever I mention adoption, while the wife seems pretty open, the husband is firm on "I want my own child." Years later, they still wait. With no child.
I get the whole wanting a baby that's the product of you and your partner. I also get wanting to preserve your (bloodline) legacy. But if there's one thing that gets my complete and total respect, it's people who choose to adopt (by the way, one of the best adoption stories I've ever heard is called "Chloe"; the universe is something!). It's truly love and selflessness personified.
And you know what? Hill Harper, T-Boz, Viola Davis, Jamie Foxx, Patti LaBelle, Keyshia Cole, Nelson Mandela, and Tommy Davidson are just some of the Black celebrities who can vouch for the beauty in adoption—either because they were adopted or they adopted a child themselves.
Life has a funny way of giving us what we need far more often than giving us what we want (or think we want at the time). If you really want to be a parent and you don't mind how your child comes your way, this alone should take some of the pressure off. You don't need eggs to adopt a baby. Just sayin'.
Trust the Process
A quote that gives me chills every time I read it is by a Pastor John Piper—"God is always doing 10,000 things in your life, and you may be aware of 3 of them." As far as it relates to conceiving a child, just because it looks to you like nothing is happening, that doesn't automatically make it true. If you want to be married before having a baby, who knows how close you are to running into your husband. If you're over 35 and a couple of miscarriages have already happened, the third time may literally be the charm (my godchild's mom was pregnant twice last year; one was a miscarriage and her next baby is due in June).
If there's one thing that is guaranteed to work against your ability to get pregnant (and oftentimes a relationship too), it's stress (check out "Can't Get Pregnant? How Stress May Be Causing Your Infertility"). If the Most High is in agreement that you should be a parent, things will happen how and when they should. No relationship, no reproductive system, and certainly no biological clock will get in the way. Do your mind, body, and spirit a favor and rest in that. It's the truth.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Michelle Obama Gets Candid About Infertility & Gives Us The Ultimate Marriage Advice - Read More
Tracee Ellis Ross Talks Being Single Over 40 & Childless - Read More
Everything You Need To Know About Freezing Your Eggs - Read More
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images