At the start of each season, I browse the net to get an idea of the latest styles and trends to look out for when adding to my closet. When shopping, not only do I love items that are hot for the moment but mainly those that I can keep in rotation year after year. I especially look for styles that are both modern and classic, giving off an effortlessly timeless vibe.
Within the last year, I've added essentials to my wardrobe that are still key items for my everyday looks. Options like button down long sleeves to block heeled calf boots, there are plenty of ways to build a functional yet chic wardrobe. Here are a few more fall essentials that you can keep in rotation not only this year but into the next.
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
The Ultimate Trench + Leather Trousers
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
First and foremost, everyone should own a trench coat. No matter your location, a trench coat is the ideal situation when in need of a perfect fall/winter coat. Whether a 90's dad style or ultra chic faux leather, this addition to your rotation is so necessary. I opted for a sleek longline trench coat paired with matching leather pants. For a super casual day, sneakers are a must. Dressed up or down, I can't wait to experiment with more looks to come.
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
A Blazer in Every Color + Wide Leg Denim
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
Blazers are a personal favorite when creating looks this fall and just about any other time of the year. I truly aspire to have one in every color. With a world of endless looks when opting to layer, blazers are a staple investment. No matter your style, this is another great wardrobe essential for every wardrobe this season. Pair with a wide leg denim jean for an everyday fall look.
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
More Knits + Calf Boots
Shahirah Ahmed/xoNecole
I'm extremely excited about all the knitted looks this season defining what it means to be cute and comfortable. If sticking to the classics, go with a traditional knit like a neutral sweater dress complimented with a chain belt for a perfectly snatched waist. Add a matching calf boot to complete this super casual chic look.
Shahirah Ahmed is a content creator, influencer and fashion stylist residing in Los Angeles, CA. Originally from Sacramento, CA she decided to pursue a career in the fashion industry once realizing she had the power to turn her dreams into reality. A year after obtaining her degree in Fashion Merchandising, Shahirah launched her namesake fashion blog for tall women with larger shoe sizes in 2015. Keep up with her daily looks on Instagram @shahirahahmed.
July is the month to focus on allowing yourself to receive. There are beautiful opportunities for blessings this month when you can get out of your own way, and release self-doubt. With Cancer Season here, emotions are flowing, love is showing up, and home is wherever your happiness is. The power of attraction is strong this month as Pallas enters Gemini on July 4 as well, and deep insights are prevailing. July is the time to gain the clarity and answers you have been looking for, and decide where to move forward from there.
On July 5, Mars moves into Taurus until August 20, and there is strong importance on values, comfort, family, satisfaction, and safety right now. While Mars is in Taurus we are motivated to accumulate and indulge a little. Taurus makes us balance our checkbooks, but this sign also loves their pleasure, and with Jupiter moving retrograde this month, we have been reminded of the importance of non-overindulgence. Mars is overall here to give you a clear view of what happiness feels and looks like to you and to allow more of this heart-centered energy into your life, with balance.
Mercury transits both Cancer and Leo this month, and while Mercury is in Cancer until July 19, communications are colored with a more emotional display. Sensitivities are heightened, and overall the gifts are in speaking from the heart right now and gaining emotional understanding. Once Mercury moves into Leo towards the end of the month, the focus turns to self-expression, personal passion, and defining your personal truths. The Full Moon of July is occurring in Capricorn on July 13 and is the Full Buck Moon of the year. This Full Moon is a time to get grounded, release old stories that restrict your beliefs today, write a list of gratitude, and remember what holds value for you.
Chiron and Jupiter both go retrograde in Aries this month at the end of July, and there is healing and divine contemplation that wants to take place now. Over the next few months, revelations will be taking place, and your worldview expands as Jupiter retrograde brings things front and center to be addressed before moving forward again. Jupiter retrograde is about preparing for blessings, redefining your intentions for them, and gaining some spiritual insight through it all. The New Moon in Leo on July 28 is making sure the month ends with a dramatic flair, and fireworks are appearing. The more you keep the faith and believe you deserve all good things this month, the more you are aligned with what is.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecole
Aries July 2022 Horoscope
Life is moving forward, and you are journeying through new experiences this month, Aries. July is a time of awakening for you, and a space where you are moving through an energetic shift in your life. Things are changing, but it’s nothing your free spirit can’t fully take advantage of. This is the month to expand your worldview and to see where new perspectives will take you. Everything comes together when you can trust yourself and the doors that are opening for you now.
Chiron and Jupiter are currently transiting through your sign, and they both go retrograde this month. On July 19, Chiron, the wounded healer, will enter retrograde in Aries until December 23, and Jupiter in Aries will go retrograde on July 28 until November 23. You are in the process of completing one cycle and manifesting another. You are in a major cleanse this month and are making space for happiness to continue to grow.
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecole
Taurus July 2022 Horoscope
July is a month of release, and recovery for you, Taurus. You are seeing some goals and achievements come to fruition right now, and you are also moving through a space of healing from the past and what it’s taken to get you here. Your guidance for the month is to give yourself kindness and safety as you move through this growth process in your life and to believe in the intentions you are seeding right now.
With Mars entering Taurus at the start of the month from July 5 until August 20, you have passion and stamina on your side right now. The energy is with you to see some important goals through, and with Mars in your sign over the next month, you have the inspiration and motivation to do so. July is your month of releasing yourself from the past, gaining a new vision, and reclaiming your power, and success.
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecole
Gemini July 2022 Horoscope
July is all about gaining insight and getting the answers you have been looking for, Gemini. There is incredible wisdom and insight to grab ahold of this month, and the clarity is flowing in your life. You are being guided to speak up for what you believe in, and to show up for your unique ideas and perspectives. Pallas enters Gemini from July 4 until September 6, further enhancing the coming together and inner clarity you are experiencing this month.
Your ruling planet Mercury will be moving through your 2nd house of finances until July 19, and your mind is flowing where the money is going. This is a good month to get organized, go over your finances, and plan for the future. The New Moon in Leo on the 28th before the month ends is your time of receiving important messages and following the signs. The clarity that is coming into your life in July is game-changing, Gemini.
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecole
Cancer July 2022 Horoscope
This month is all about allowing. Cancer, July is your season, and this Cancer Season is all about opening up to receive the beautiful blessings that are flowing towards you this month. You are an intuitive Moonchild, and this month you are connecting to this sensitive strength of yours. Remember the gift of your existence, and allow others to recognize and appreciate you this month, Cancer.
Mercury enters your sign on July 5 until July 19, and Venus enters Cancer on July 17 until August 11, making July a time where you are gaining mental clarity, having important conversations, moving around, and also a month where you are feeling the love. With the Full Moon happening mid-month also occurring in your 7th house of love and relationships, the universe has one mission for you this month Cancer: for you to know how loved you are and to feel that within.
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecole
Leo July 2022 Horoscope
July is all about opening the heart, Leo. You are rising above previous doubts and concerns, and claiming your power in all situations. This is the month to believe in your dreams and to believe in the gifts of love. There have been challenges you have had to move through this year, a lot of them unexpected, but that doesn’t mean you will have to continue to live on a rollercoaster when there is solid ground for you to walk on right now.
July is a powerful month for you overall, with Leo Season beginning this month. This year Mercury will be entering Leo from July 19 until August 4, Leo Season begins on July 22, and there is New Moon in Leo on July 28. July is a month of recognizing the opportunities and peace that comes from letting go of restrictions and allowing yourself to be loved and blessed by the divine, Leo.
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecole
Virgo July 2022 Horoscope
This is a month of rejuvenation and bringing things into divine order, Virgo. Positive resolutions and outcomes are happening for you in July, and this is the month to believe in a miracle. Don’t dismiss the possibilities of something really good happening this month, and keep your eyes open for a helping hand. You deserve more time and space to just be. This month is about learning the truth and beauty of doing less and gaining more.
Friendships, community, your network, and where you see yourself going from here are all key themes for you in July. This is a month of forming new connections and strengthening ones that have remained unmoved through the transitions of this year. You are recharging your spirit this month and with a Full Moon in a fellow earth sign, Capricorn, happening in your 5th house of romance this month, July is sure to be full of pleasant surprises.
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecole
Libra July 2022 Horoscope
Trust the process, Libra. July is all about remaining in your peace and finding your balance through what is becoming. You are thinking a lot about your career goals, achievements, and responsibilities in the home space. Finding the balance between all the things you want to do and be can be difficult at times, and this month is about giving yourself the time to figure out what works for you and your divine flow right now.
The Full Moon this month is occurring in your 4th house of home and family, and this is a good time of the month to declutter, cleanse the home, rest, and regain your center. A few days later, your ruling planet Venus moves into your 10th house of career, and you are evolving into some new spheres of success this month. Before July ends, there is a New Moon in your house of friendships, and you are feeling a new sense of support in life moving into August.
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecole
Scorpio July 2022 Horoscope
July is about recalling your power, Scorpio. You have the divine insight to move through previous challenges and obstacles, and paths are clearing for you this month. There is a deep understanding that is coming into your world in July, and what is coming full circle for you now is everything needed to feel protected and grounded moving forward. This month is about allowing yourself to live by your standards and your truths, and doing so confidently.
The Full Moon on the 13th of this month is moving through your house of the mind, and with this being a Full Moon, you are seeing with clear eyes. The clarity is there, and Venus moving into your 9th house of spirituality and adventure a few days later, is birthing new ideas and opportunities into your life. Before July ends Jupiter goes retrograde in your 6th house, and you are focused on your personal healing and empowerment as the month ends.
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecole
Sagittarius July 2022 Horoscope
July is a month of a river of blessings flowing into your life, Sagittarius. You have set yourself up for success and this is the month of experiencing more of those treasured moments. Powerful blessings and manifestations are appearing for you now, and the universe is giving you a big YES to proceed forward. You have listened to your intuition and lived by your personal truths, and have moved into some fortunate circumstances.
The Leo New Moon on the 28th is a passionate affair that you can get on board with, and this New Moon is fueling your sense of adventure and excitement. By the end of the month, you are setting your intentions for the future, and dreaming up the most divine vacations your soul can think of. Your ruling planet Jupiter goes retrograde on the same day until November, and you are being reminded as well, of the importance of following your bliss balanced with logic.
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecole
Capricorn July 2022 Horoscope
July is a month of rising above and coming together in love, Capricorn. Soulmate connections are moving into your life this month, and you are connecting with the gifts of clarity of the heart. You have found an inner peace that is both strengthening and also vulnerable, and it’s attracting new experiences for you in love. This is the month to let go of what was, and live in the beauty of what is here today.
Mid-July there is a Full Moon in your sign on July 13. This Full Moon is a time of personal revelation for you, and also a time where you are closing a major chapter in your life. Take as much time as you need with your healing and growth, and trust that where you are going from here is so much better than where you have been. Venus enters your house of love a few days later, and it’s about showing up for divine partnerships right now.
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecole
Aquarius July 2022 Horoscope
July is a dynamic month for you, Aquarius. Some deep transformations are taking place this month, and you are living in your wisdom, empowerment, and passion. You are being reminded this month that you are divinely protected with every step you take in life and that you can create some major breakthroughs in your life with the power of belief. July is about being fearless in your pursuits, and about allowing your truth and wisdom to shine.
The Full Moon happening mid-month is occurring in your 12th house of endings, dreams, and the subconscious, and you are ready to let go of what hasn’t served right now. You are releasing old patterns and limitations, and allowing your blessings to unfold. By the end of the month, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign of Leo, and this New Moon is a time of new developments in love. July is all about taking your time and going at your own pace while light unfolds.
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
Pisces July 2022 Horoscope
July is all about the universe fueling your world with divine support, love, and compassion. This month is a time of nurturing yourself and what you are bringing to fruition right now, Pisces. There is support with you as you take some time to sort through what is and figure out where your heart stands now. July is all about releasing yourself from any attachments to outcomes and allowing the path of least resistance.
With one of your ruling planets, Jupiter, going retrograde on the same day as the Leo New Moon this month on July 28, you are finding the balance between what you need to allow some more time to unfold, and what you are moving forward with now. It’s about giving yourself the grace to move through this time and about speaking up for yourself and what you need as well. Remember how supported you are, Pisces.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
There’s nothing like finding a good TV series or movie to watch on your favorite streaming services. The summer is the perfect time to explore what’s new and exciting or revisit an oldie but goodie. Both Netflix and HBO Max have some exciting and new releases for July. From HBO Max’s Rap Sh*t, which is presented by Issa Rae to the season three premiere of Ludacris’ Netflix animated series Karma’s World, there are plenty of options to choose from. So get your streaming on below.
Here is the full schedule of what’s coming to Netflix and HBO in July.
What's New On Netflix: July 2022
July 1
Stranger Things Season 4 Volume 2 – Netflix original movie
A Call to Spy
Big Daddy
Blue Jasmine
Boogie Nights
Catch Me If You Can
Deliverance
Falls Around Her
Final Score
GoodFellas
I Am Legend
Insidious
LOL
Mean Girls
Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous
Natural Born Killers
Old School
Police Academy
Semi-Pro
Seven
Snatch
The Dark Knight Rises
The Dirty Dozen
The Pursuit of Happyness
The Talented Mr. Ripley
The Terminal
Vampires
Wyatt Earp
Zero Dark Thirty
July 2
Operation Romeo
July 3
Blair Witch (2016)
Oh My Baby Season 1
The Art of Incarnation
July 4
Leave No Trace
July 5
Attack on Pearl Harbor: Minute By Minute Season 1
The Secret of Skinwalker Ranch Season 1
July 6
Control Z Season 3 – Netflix original series
Girl in the Picture – Netflix original documentary
Hello, Goodbye, and Everything in Between – Netflix original movie
King of Stonks
Uncle from Another World
Fast & Feel Love
July 7
The Flash Season 8
Karma's World Season 3 – Netflix original series
VINLAND SAGA Season 1
July 8
Boo, Bitch – Netflix original series
Capitani Season 2 – Netflix original series
Dangerous Liaisons – Netflix original movie
How To Build a Sex Room – Netflix original documentary series
Incantation – Netflix original movie
Ride on Time Season 4
Jewel – Netflix original movie
The Longest Night – Netflix original series
Ranveer vs Wild with Bear Grylls – Netflix original interactive special
The Sea Beast – Netflix original animated movie
July 9
Hurdang
July 10
12 Strong
July 11
For Jojo – Netflix original movie
Team Zenko Go Season 2 – Netflix original animated series
Valley of the Dead – Netflix original movie
July 12
Bill Burr: Live at Red Rocks – Netflix original special
How to Change Your Mind – Netflix original documentary series
My Daughter's Killer – Netflix original documentary
July 13
Big Timber Season 2
CHiPS (2017)
D.B. Cooper: Where Are You?! – Netflix original documentary series
Hurts Like Hell – Netflix original series
Never Stop Dreaming: The Life and Legacy of Shimon Peres – Netflix original documentary
Sintonia Season 3 – Netflix original series
Under the Amalfi Sun – Netflix original movie
July 14
Kung Fu Panda: The Dragon Knight – Netflix original animated series
Resident Evil – Netflix original series
July 15
Alba – Netflix original series
Country Queen – Netflix original series
Farzar – Netflix original animated series
Love Goals (Jaadugar) – Netflix original movie
Mom, Don't Do That! – Netflix original series
Pan
Persuasion – Netflix original movie
Remarriage & Desires – Netflix original series
Uncharted
July 16
Umma
July 18
Live is Life – Netflix original movie
My Little Pony: A New Generation: Sing-Along – Netflix original movie
StoryBots: Laugh, Learn, Sing Collection 2: Learn to Read – Netflix original animated series
Too Old for Fairy Tales – Netflix original movie
July 19
David A. Arnold: It Ain't For the Weak – Netflix original special
July 20
Bad Exorcist Seasons 1-2 – Netflix original series
Virgin River Season 4 – Netflix original series
July 21
Jurassic World Camp Cretaceous Season 5 – Netflix original animated series
July 22
Blown Away Season 3 – Netflix original series
My Village People
One Piece (New Seasons)
The Gray Man – Netflix original movie
July 25
Gabby's Dollhouse Season 5 – Netflix original animated series
July 26
August: Osage County
DI4RIES – Netflix original series
Shania Twain: Not Just a Girl
Street Food: USA – Netflix original documentary series
July 27
Car Masters: Rust to Riches Season 4 – Netflix original documentary series
Dream Home Makeover Season 3 – Netflix original documentary series
The Most Hated Man on the Internet – Netflix original documentary
Pipa – Netflix original movie
Rebelde Season 2 – Netflix original series
July 28
A Cut Above – Netflix original movie
Another Self – Netflix original series
Keep Breathing – Netflix original series
Oggy and the Cockroaches: Next Generation – Netflix original animated series
July 29
The Beauty Queen of Jerusalem Season 2 – Netflix original series
Case Closed: Zero's Tea Time / Detective Conan: Zero's Tea Time – Netflix original animated series
The Entitled – Netflix original movie
Fanático – Netflix original series
Purple Hearts – Netflix original movie
Rebel Cheer Squad: A Get Even Series – Netflix original series
Uncoupled – Netflix original series
July 31
The Wretched
What's New On HBO Max: July 2022
July 1
A Kind of Murder
A Simple Plan
Act of Valor
Angels in the Outfield
Arbitrage
Backstabbing for Beginners
Baggage Claim
Blanes Esquina Muller (AKA Blanes St and Muller)
Bringing Out the Dead
Catch a Fire
Code of Silence
Confidence
David Copperfield
Doctor Who: Eve of Daleks
Sin City (Unrated Version)
Godzilla (1998)
Goodbye, Mr. Chips
Hollow Man (Director's Cut)
How to Screw It All Up (AKA Cómo mandarlo todo a la mierda) – Max Original Season 1 Premiere
I Spy
Indecent Proposal
Julia
La Ciudad De Las Fieras (AKA City of Wild Beasts)
Last Night in Soho
Lisztomania
Lone Survivor
Lord of War
Losing Isaiah
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Daughter
Mrs. Winterbourne
One for the Money
Overboard
Pawn Sacrifice
Postcards From the Edge
Rio 2
Running Scared
Safe (2012)
She's Having a Baby
Sleepers
Sleepless in Seattle
Snow Day
Spy Kids
Spy Kids 2: Island of Lost Dreams
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over
Suite Francaise
That Awkward Moment
The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer
The Con is On
The Counselor (Extended Version)
The Great American Pastime
The Heat (Extended Version)
The Impossible
The Legends of Zorro
The Other Woman
The Plot Thickens Season 3 Premiere
The Raid
The Satanic Rites of Dracula
The World's End
This is Elvis
Thoroughbreds
Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning
Warrior
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
July 2
Before Midnight
Sidewalk Stories
July 7
Miss S – Max original Season 1 premiere
The Visitors – Max original Season 1 premiere
July 9
Mad Max: Fury Road
July 10
The Anarchists – HBO limited documentary series premiere
July 11
Tuca & Bertie Season 3 premiere
July 12
Craig of the Creek Season 4C premiere
Edge of the Earth – HBO sports documentary series premiere
The Bob's Burgers Movie
July 14
FBoy Island – Max original Season 2 premiere
Vote for Juan (Vota Juan/Venga Juan), Season 1 and 2
Vote for Juan (Venga Juan) Season 3 – Max original premiere
July 15
Kung Fu Season 2 premiere
The Rehearsal – HBO comedy series premiere
July 16
Godzilla (2014)
July 17
Rat in the Kitchen Season 1 premiere
July 19
We Baby Bears Season 1D premiere
July 21
Almost Fly – Max original Season 1 premiere
Pacto Brutal - O Assassinato de Daniella Perex – Max Original Documentary Series
Rap Sh!t – Max original Season 1 premiere
The Last Movie Stars – Max original 6-part documentary premiere
July 23
Walker Season 2 premiere
July 26
Bugs Bunny Builders Season 1A premiere
July 27
We Met in Virtual Reality – HBO original documentary premiere
July 28
Citizen Ashe – Max original premiere
Love Monster – Max original Season 3 premiere
Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin – Max Original Season 1 premiere
Wellington Paranormal – Season 4 premiere
July 29
Superman & Lois Season 2 premiere
The Milestone Generation
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
The law of attraction is tricky. A few years ago, I felt something was deeply wrong with me because I kept attracting people who hurt me. No matter how hard I tried to fix myself, and alter my energy, the same type of people kept coming my way. I'd talk to my friends about it and ask them, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person? Why do I keep having the same experiences?"
It took me a while to realize that the biggest thing I was doing "wrong" was not recognizing the power I had in choosing the people I let into my life. Blaming myself for the people I was "attracting" was pointless because I had no power or control over who was attracted to me. None of us do.
Instead of asking ourselves, "Why do I keep attracting this type of person?" we should try asking, "Why do I continue to give energy to people who show signs of not being a good fit for me?"
To have healthier and more fulfilling relationships, we must be intentional about who we entertain and make space for in our lives. We have to own our decision to continue patterns with people because they provide us with a familiar discomfort we’ve become accustomed to settling for. While we aren't responsible for the way people treat us, we are responsible for understanding why we decide to stay.
So, how do we lay the foundation for choosing the right people?
1. Show up as yourself.
When we first meet someone, it's tempting to show up as our representative or be the person we think someone is looking for. To find people we're compatible with, we must be brave enough to be ourselves, even if that means not being liked or accepted. As long as we find the courage to radically love, value, and accept ourselves, we put ourselves in the position to meet people with whom we can sustain healthy and meaningful relationships.
2. Build a relationship with yourself.
Being disconnected from ourselves can make it hard to be connected with other people. Learning to love, honor, and respect ourselves helps us create a strong foundation for building healthy relationships with other people. When we feel safe with ourselves, we'll feel more confident when putting ourselves out there to get to know others. When we begin having conflicts, which is guaranteed to happen whenever people get to know each other, we'll be able to communicate our needs and boundaries to increase intimacy in the relationship. If the relationship doesn't work out, we're less likely to blame ourselves and more likely to trust that we can make more fulfilling connections in the future.
Getty Images
3. Don't be afraid to look "needy."
Sometimes we're afraid to ask for what we need to feel safe or comfortable in a relationship because we fear looking "needy." When we present as "needless," we end up in a community with people that like being around us because we don't ask for anything. As a result, the relationships become one-sided as they grow more comfortable and content with not doing anything for us. As the relationship progresses, we attempt to let our needs be known and grow resentful as our requests go unnoticed. Being open about our needs helps us discover people we're compatible with in friendship and romance. Having needs is one of the things that makes us human, and some of these needs can only be filled when we're in relationships with other people. Remember, sometimes you're not asking for too much; you're simply asking the wrong person.
4. Let people unfold.
Sometimes we commit to people too quickly. We become captivated with the idea of someone, and when the truth of that person is revealed, we are disappointed, or worse, we're in denial. Natalie Lou, the author of the Baggage Reclaim Series, always reminds readers that "people unfold." Over the course of getting to know someone, we may discover signs that unveil incompatibility. If we're not careful, we'll overlook those signs and keep moving forward because we don't want to be wrong about someone.
We don't want to be alone again. We don't want to stop being friends with someone. But, in the end, we hurt our own feelings by choosing to deny the reality of our situation. We also draw out the ending of what would likely be an unfulfilling relationship. The more time we spend engaging with people we aren't compatible with, the less time we spend connecting with people we fit well with.
5. Choose people that choose you.
Stop chasing after people who are running away from you. Some of us learned that we were difficult to love, and we internalized that our relationships would be challenging and filled with uneasiness. When we receive mixed signals, crumbs of attention, or poor treatment, we're prepared to fight and perform to sustain the relationship and prove ourselves. Our nervous system gets triggered, and we mistake those feelings of uncertainty for attraction and love. But that's not love, and we are worthy and deserving of so much more.
We deserve mutuality. We deserve to be around people who want to be with us as much as we want to be with them. We shouldn't be in a state of constantly questioning if someone is as invested as we are, nor should we be performing for love. Choose people that choose you—no forcing, no begging.
Getty Images
6. Become comfortable with impermanence.
Everyone you meet and build a relationship with won't stay in your life forever, and that's okay. Everyone isn't meant to stay. Sometimes we try to prevent people from leaving or refuse to walk away because we're uncomfortable with endings. More importantly, we're uncomfortable with what endings say about us. By trying to control whether or not people stay, we're attempting to control the uncontrollable. It's a losing game, and we end up hurting ourselves and others in the process. Longevity in a relationship is not an indicator of health or fulfillment, nor does it serve as a reflection of our worthiness.
7. Stop making excuses for people.
When we feel unlovable, we can have a strong desire to stop other people from feeling the same way. We'll try to accommodate, justify and tolerate unacceptable behavior in other people because we don't want to be mean or reject people. We aren't responsible for protecting other people from rejection or disappointment. If we're being honest, sometimes we struggle with the idea of rejecting someone because we don't want to deal with the pain of being rejected and assume others can't handle it either. When people hurt us, we lean into being too understanding instead of assessing the relationship and establishing boundaries. Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for someone else's behavior in hopes that if you take responsibility, you can evoke change. Part of being in healthy relationships and establishing respect is showing others you have the strength and courage to protect yourself.
Taking responsibility for our lives is scary, but it's where healing begins. While we can't be in control of everything, we can exercise our power to choose. Letting people into our lives isn't a passive activity. The relationships we choose to pour energy into play a significant role in our happiness and well-being. Give yourself the love, compassion, and foundation you need to choose wisely.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
As a Black woman, Kelis knows how important it is to work with other Black women, help each other and give each other opportunities. The “Milkshake” singer has always been a voice for female empowerment with her popular female anthems like “Caught Out There” and “Bossy” and in a chat during Refinery 29’s Unbothered Presents The Glow Up festival, Kelis opened up about the Black women behind her legendary career and how Black women should create safe spaces for ourselves.
In a clip she uploaded to Instagram, she said “I have a Black female OB. I have a Black female business manager.” She also mentioned that one of her managers is also a Black woman.
“Like for me, that for me is a safe space,” the mom of two explained. “I need to be able to know that when I call you about my business, about my child, about whatever it is, that I’m talking to someone who speaks my language for real.”
“Because they know if I win, we all win. It can’t be the other way around,” she continued, “It wasn’t designed to be that way. So for me, that’s the safe space. I want people who look like me, who talk like me, that’s what I want. That’s what makes me feel good.”
Kelis received a lot of praise for her comments including from TV host Tanika Ray who wrote “This!!!! Reflection is everything and vital for success.”
Kelis has been diversifying her career since her first album Kaleidoscope in 1999. The “Jerk Ribs” singer is also a chef and often shares recipes as well as food she’s grown on social media. She also sells organic beauty and culinary handmade products.
*Editors note: this article contains information about sexual assault, child pornography and rape. Please read with care. If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the Suicide Crisis Line at 1-800-784-2433.
On June 29th, R&B singer and producer Robert Kelly, best known by his stage name R. Kelly was sentenced to 30 years in prison by New York Federal Court after being convicted in September of 2021 on charges of racketeering and sex trafficking. The sentencing was announced after many of his victims tearfully shared the impact his graphic abuse of them has had on their lives. This conviction and sentencing come nearly thirty years after the singer began facing allegations ranging from rape, possessing child pornography, marrying a then-15-year-old Aaliyah, having his own sex cult, and more.
In the weeks leading up to the sentencing, xoNecole spoke with four Black women activists who work diligently to address sexual violence within the music industry and writ large on R. Kelly’s conviction. Now that Kelly has been sentenced, we’re sharing our conversations with each one, condensed below: author and founder of the Me Too movement Tarana Burke (featured in the docuseries Surviving R. Kelly and the Russell Simmons documentary On The Record) and the founders of the #MuteRKelly movement Kenyette Barnes and Oronike Odeleye (who also appeared in Surviving R. Kelly ) and author and activist Sil Lai Abrams, who shared allegations against Russell Simmons in The Hollywood Reporter and the HBOMax documentary On The Record.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - JUNE 07: Tarana Burke speaks onstage at the TIME100 Summit 2022 at Jazz at Lincoln Center on June 7, 2022 in New York City.
Photo by Jemal Countess/Getty Images for TIME
xoNecole: I also invited journalist and Surviving R Kelly documentarian dream hampton who declined an interview but did provide a statement:
“As someone who wants to believe in restorative justice, I think this could have been the beginning of actual healing and justice had R Kelly, at any point, admitted to the harm he's caused for decades. His victim should have a financial fund from which they can draw to rebuild their lives. He could have changed the culture by being accountable in this way. He could have opened up a conversation where predators and abusers could enter too. Which is radical. But no, he'll have his sentence meted out to him by a broken system. He will continue to have the currency of love and devotion by countless Black people, even as he spends these years in prison. It is all a shame.”
xoNecole: What was your initial reaction to the news of R. Kelly’s conviction?
Tarana Burke: I was asked this question when [Harvey] Weinstein was convicted when [Bill] Cosby was convicted and it stays the same: these convictions are not a victory. I understand the catharsis for the survivors. There is a duality, that you have an immediate sort of excitement that feels like we have *something.* Right? You can’t help it. I think that’s human nature. That feeling of we have something, especially as Black women. Because we never get anything. So, I think there’s that first wave of that.
And then there’s the immediate slap in the face – especially if you engage in anything public, like social media or walking down the street – of the rejection of that. So my reaction came in stages, is what I’m explaining. That first stage of sort of surprise and relief that we got something. And that something is acknowledgment of that – even from a f-cked up system – an acknowledgment that our trauma and our pain deserve acknowledgment. It deserves accountability. You have that first wave and then you get slapped in the face with “no, it doesn’t.” I don’t know if we even had sixty seconds of whatever that first wave was. I get settled in just the catharsis of the survivors. It’s like they get a chance to breathe after holding this sh-t for so long. They get a chance to be like, “I get to hold something.”
Sil Lai Abrams: I was not surprised because the conviction was the result of decades of lobbying by activists and advocates. In many ways, his social currency in the Black community was diminished in a way that would enable a conviction to occur in the criminal legal system. To dream’s point, the system as it exists is not one that takes into consideration the needs of survivors or even those that have caused harm. He’s being used as a totem in many respects and I believe that his conviction in some way shields other people who cause sexual harm because I think that society can look at him, point to what will occur with him, and say, “You see? The system works because R. Kelly went to prison.” When in fact, his incarceration does nothing to address the systemic nature of sexual violence and the very broad ways in which harm affects our entire society.
Oronike Odeleye: Honestly, my first reaction was relief. I was relieved for his victims because they have been gaslit for years about the abuse that they’ve suffered. I was also relieved for myself. This has been a long journey that I did not mean to embark on [as a founder of the #MuteRKelly movement]. It’s been emotional and hard, so I’m glad that my part was over and now someone else can take over. And I was relieved for our community because for so many people, a lot of the visceral and emotional reaction they had to this was not necessarily about R. Kelly but about their own interactions. Their own experiences of abuse and trauma that they had carried, a lot of the secrets they had carried and they wanted to see justice play out. I was relieved for everyone involved.
Kenyette Barnes: It was very complex emotions. There was sadness of course because no one wants to be a part of perpetuating a broken system that over incarcerates Black bodies. However, thirty years has gone by and nothing has been done. And on several occasions, I believe that Robert Kelly had the opportunity to fix this in some way and didn’t. So my feelings were sadness because I feel like why did it get this far? My next emotion was a sense of relief for the survivors. They had been fighting for years. The #MuteRKelly movement had put that advocacy on a global stage. And through strategic organizing had resulted in a financial boycott of his music. We received some backlash and unfortunately, this accountability included the criminal justice system.
PARK CITY, UTAH - JANUARY 25: Sil Lai Abrams attends the 2020 Sundance Film Festival - "On The Record" Premiere at The Marc Theatre on January 25, 2020 in Park City, Utah.
(Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)
xoNecole: It’s been nearly thirty years since allegations against R. Kelly first started. Why do you think it’s only now that we’re seeing a conviction?
TB: There had to be like six exposés. I feel like The Miami Herald did one. The Chicago Tribune did one. The Village Voice did one. And so, it’s not from lack of media coverage. It’s not from a lack of raising voices. Every Black woman journalist that I know has been raising their voice across social media. More than one social media campaign. Because #MuteRKelly preceded #MeToo going viral. People conflate those two. The #MuteRKelly hashtag started in August of 2017 after the article came out in Buzzfeed. It got amplified after the #MeToo movement went viral [in October 2017]. So, it took all of that and then the documentary to get people to pay attention. But it was like we had to stand on our heads and light ourselves on f-cking fire in order to get one singular Black man. There’s this narrative about the Black man being targeted. It’s so crazy because that was the singular person. And to your point, we’ve been talking about him for nearly twenty-five, thirty years. And it took that because of that famous Jim DeRogatis quote from The Village Voice where he says the one thing that he’s discovered in all these years that he’s been chasing R. Kelly is that nobody in America matters less than Black girls. I’m paraphrasing the quote, but I’ll never forget reading that quote. This is a sixty-something-year-old white man from Chicago who writes about rock n’ roll, who just on his own was so bugged out about how no one was paying attention to R. Kelly.
SLA: The #MuteRKelly campaign is really the driver behind this push for accountability, this incarceration, without which I don’t believe this would’ve occurred. It took a certain amount of critical mass to come together. They had built a groundwork and a framework for the campaign in the years preceding the #MeToo era. So when #MeToo exploded in 2017, it just facilitated his downfall, so to speak, because there was such a tremendous body of work, of evidence that had been collected and been disseminated for at least three years, I think. So, I believe that is a large part of why this has happened.
In addition, our views around sexual harm have evolved. And even now when someone is now “legal,” [i.e. age 18+] that is no longer seen as a shield against allegations or recognition of predatory behavior. So, for example, you could see an 18-year-old in a consensual – “consensual” – relationship with a 45-year-old and people don’t respond the same. People will call that out and note the disparities in power between the two parties. And I think that’s a big part of it. There is a very slow shift that’s going on in online discourse and I think that’s very healthy. I think another reason why change is happening is because many of the barriers that existed before such as all-powerful public relations agencies and representatives for some celebrities are no longer as effective because social media has had a democratizing effect upon those who recognize harm is occurring.
OO: I think so much has changed within our society. The way we talk about sexual abuse, the way we think about rape. The way we now have vocabulary around grooming. The way that we understand consent. The way that we talk about adulthood and childhood are different than when these allegations first came out thirty years ago. So, I think we are in a place now, to really reckon with all the things that he’s been doing. I think the time that it came out, the idea of these rampant groupies I guess a very dominant idea. We did not think about women’s bodies in the same way. We really thought about women’s bodies as the spoils of war for rich and famous men.
KB: Because they were Black girls and we didn’t give a damn. Even in the space of defending Blackness against white supremacy, that Blackness is Black masculinity. It is not Black femininity. We look at rates that over 60% of Black girls are going to be a survivor of sexual assault before her 18th birthday. Sexual violence as a practice tends to be intraracial.
NEW YORK, NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 21: Oronike Odeleye attends 2019 ROOT 100 Gala at The Angel Orensanz Foundation on November 21, 2019 in New York City.
(Photo by Arturo Holmes/Getty Images)
xoNecole: Why do you think the #MeToo movement hasn’t taken off in the music industry the same way it's taken off in Hollywood?
TB: This idea though that Hollywood was broken wide open is not true. I think the cases that we saw were really huge. Weinstein was obviously the big one and there’s several more behind that. And for one Weinstein, there’s 25 that we don’t know about. And that’s why they keep trickling out little by little and they just get less and less attention every year. Because people care less and less every year. So the question of why hasn’t there been a case as big as Harvey Weinstein in the music industry? I don’t know. Most people when they ask this question they’re asking about hip hop and R&B. I have heard horrific stories off the record that artists have shared with me or industry folks have shared with me and I’ve said why won’t you come forward? And they’re like, "There’s no way that my career would recover if we did." In fact, there were people who would not come forward about R. Kelly even though R. Kelly doesn’t even have a career, because they were scared of the retribution inside of the industry. So, I don’t know what the music industry is set up in vs. Hollywood in terms of the way people’s careers are controlled. But if we’re talking about white women vs. Black women, Black women just have way less protection. And I think Black women have way more to lose. Even if you look inside Hollywood, how many Black women in Hollywood have come forward? And the ones that did come forward, look what happened to them.
SLA: The music industry has always been one in which personal relationships can facilitate success even with individuals with no talent. There isn’t a requirement of any type of education. The barrier to entry is very, very low in many respects. Which is a good thing. At the same time, in the way in which people are connected to each other and the amount of money that’s at stake, people are unwilling to go against the status quo. They’re not willing to speak up because they don’t want to have their money messed with. I believe that society is a cesspool of relationships that are highly interwoven and interconnected, the music industry in particular is just particularly patriarchal. It’s particularly rife with nepotism in a way that really encourages groupthink and group movement.
OO: Well, I don’t know if I would agree with [the framing of that question]. I think that it has in fact put artists and record labels on notice that the community is paying attention. Right now, I’m seeing so much conversation around Trey Songz. We’re seeing so much conversation around Chris Brown. We’re seeing so much conversation about Tory Lanez and violence against women. So I think everyone is hyper-tuned in and paying attention now. And so I think people now are way quicker to call these things out when they’re seeing it and to come forward.
Kenyette Barnes
Photo courtesy of Kenyette Barnes
xoNecole: Even with the conviction of R. Kelly which has been a long, long time coming, the culture that created him and allowed him to thrive still exists. What do you think it’ll take to finally dismantle rape culture within the music industry and writ large?
TB: This is the magic question. I think we have to have a huge culture shift and I think it has to happen from multiple directions. The example I use all the time is cigarettes. A little over thirty years ago, we could smoke on airplanes. Most people under a particular age don’t remember that. I remember when you could smoke on airplanes, in clubs – everywhere. And that’s how I grew up. Sitting in the back of my father’s car with the windows closed and he was smoking a cigarette. Then there was a huge concerted effort to shift how we thought about smoking cigarettes. And it’s obviously a very different paradigm, but the reason that I use it is because when I think about how they came at that, it was political, because laws had to change that said you can’t smoke in public places. It was a public narrative. We had major campaigns but also you don’t see the Marlboro Man anymore. Cigarette smoking was cool because everybody did it everywhere. It was a part of the culture that was just sort of ingrained. The way that rape culture is so ingrained that it's natural to us. So there was a political intervention, there was a cultural narrative intervention. There was a research intervention. All of a sudden there was all this research on how second-hand kills. Obviously, people still smoke now. But the culture around smoking today and the culture around smoking thirty years ago are completely different. I think about shifting rape culture the same way. We need multiple interventions.
SLA: Going back to what dream said, I think that there needs to be a space in our society where people can actually acknowledge the harm that they’ve caused in a way that’s not going to be met with highly punitive measures. We have to look at the ways in which sexual harm is fostered. It happens everywhere, the music industry is an easy scapegoat. I honestly don’t have an answer if I knew what it would take I would be extremely wealthy. I don’t have the answers, I have some ideas but everything is connected to something else. I’m a huge advocate for restorative justice and our existing system just doesn’t work when it comes to facilitating some kind of redress, for harm period, but particularly for sexual harm. As dream had said, because Robert refuses to take responsibility, it doesn’t even open the door to any type of restorative action. But also, I don’t want to forget that we can posit about restorative justice and restorative practices and how I think that would be an appropriate way to proceed, but the people whose voices matter and who's going to drive restorative justice are his survivors. So if his survivors don’t want that to occur, I can’t offer that as a unilateral response that’s going to address things. Some might want to see him incarcerated. That’s their choice. I’m not going to shame them for it.
KB: I think what #MuteRKelly did was a direct attack at the music industry. And it was one of the first campaigns that really directly targeted the sexual oppression of Black women and girls. I think we’re going to have to continue those conversations. I think we’re going to have a call-in of the entertainment industry. We saw people like John Legend and Chance the Rapper really speak against this, but we need more.
If you have experienced sexual violence and are in need of crisis support, please call the RAINN Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
AriesKyra Jay for xoNecole
TaurusKyra Jay for xoNecole
GeminiKyra Jay for xoNecole
CancerKyra Jay for xoNecole
LeoKyra Jay for xoNecole
VirgoKyra Jay for xoNecole
LibraKyra Jay for xoNecole
ScorpioKyra Jay for xoNecole
SagittariusKyra Jay for xoNecole
CapricornKyra Jay for xoNecole
AquariusKyra Jay for xoNecole
PiscesLaci Jordan for xoNecole
