Heal Your Feminine Energy To Reveal The Divine Being Within You
In westernized society, we have rejected so many aspects of the divine feminine and feminine energy. At this moment, women are being criminalized by their own reproductive system and women fighting for their rights are seen as vulgar, unattractive, and undesirable. We blame Jezebel without acknowledging Ahab's responsibility. The features of Black women are desirable, while actual Black women as a whole are given a hard time, and then people wonder why we are sometimes defensive. Women empowerment has been a marketable business for women who behave like mean girls in real life *sips tea*. But as you heal your feminine energy and accept your feminine power as an individual, you create healing all around you.
Everyone has divinity within them because we were made by the divine source, God.
Some of us walk in it, and some of us simply do not know how to. We try to suppress our feminine energy, thinking if we think like a man, we will get ahead in life, especially in dating; but the truth is God made women and men differently for a reason and it isn't punishment. Some of us don't really know how to honor our femininity, nonetheless, let it empower us and bring us together as Black women and embrace the fact that our femininity is unique.
We suppress our true selves and resist our true desires and measure our ability to endure pain as strength.
Despite the negativity we were taught about femininity throughout history, it actually represents abundance, growth, creativity, fertility, expansion, connection, flow, and joy. We never stop to think about the reason why the Earth is referred to as "Mother Earth" and nature as "Mother Nature", and here is a hint: it's not because she plays small. To truly unlock your power, keep reading.
How You Can Start Healing Your Wounded Feminine Energy
Identify where you are wounded because there is most likely a broken little girl inside of you.
This step is the hardest because you have to address when, how, and why you were wounded. For example, is your self-esteem wounded? If so, investigate how it got there. Were you teased by other girls because of your unique look, and now as an adult, you don't trust other women? In instances like these, or any example where other people are involved, remember that whatever pain or insecurities they incite are reflections of them, not you. Forgive them, let it go, and stop wounding yourself and others by carrying that burden with you. It's not yours to carry.
As a grown woman, you have just validated your pain while reworking your inner narrative to better serve your higher purpose. A lot of us are stuck in the heart of a little girl who may have been molested, raped, raised in an invalidating and strict household or one of neglect, etc and it shows. It is not your fault what happened to you but it's time to choose your beliefs because until you do, that little girl is going to keep on picking broken people to love, and repeating broken unhealthy patterns. Therapy, prayer, meditation, and positive affirmations do wonders at this point in the healing process.
Make taking care of yourself inside and out as essential as the air that you breathe.
Your self-care has to be as automatic as making your morning tea with a face mask on after prayer and reciting your affirmations. Your pores must ooze "I love me" and this is internal work, not external. You must eat as if you love yourself, talk as if you love yourself, love others as if you give a damn about yourself, and even if you lack in this area, you will start to vibrate higher. Love yours, all of yours, especially you in your natural state.
Make a conscious effort to find new ways to be comfortable in your skin. If you are a woman who depends on makeup and weaves to the point that you feel like a complete mess if you miss your hair appointment or leave the house bare-faced, learn how to love and take care of your hair the way it grows naturally out of your scalp and your skin without makeup. Letting your hair, your skin, and the rest of yourself breathe is essential for growth and healing. This is an act of resistance; you were divinely made and while society may want you to think you are missing something to sell you products, you have all that you need to be beautiful already Ms. Melanin. Let it pop sis!
Surround yourself with other women who have a high vibration, and other sources of feminine energy.
Hanging around dope women is how you recharge your feminine battery. The competition between women is because of the illusion of scarcity. The sooner you realize other women are not your competition, the better because we can all shine. Start surrounding yourself with women who you admire, who light up a room, and who are comfortable in their skin. When you see a woman who hates on other women and/or has little compassion for women but sings men's praise all day, pray for her and stay away from her, she is wounded.
Most of the negative feelings you may have about other women stem from a place where you are wounded and what you say about other women in malice speaks more about you than them.
Every bomb woman you run into is not going to be your friend, and that's okay. Every woman interprets their femininity differently and there is no use in policing them; instead embrace them and let them empower you to embrace yours. It helps to turn off the trap music on the way to work and listen to some female rappers/singers to help you connect with yourself. Don't you remember that vibe of making a playlist of your favorite music to listen to on your CD/cassette player? Get back to that place where you were belting out " Weak" by SWV, and vibing to "That's the Way Love Goes" by Janet Jackson and trying to repeat the tongue-twister in Missy Elliott's "Work It" while doing your cleaning in the house. Art by black women, including music and literature, were created while she was flexing her divine feminine energy in the form of creativity. Soak that up, she left it for you.
Make pleasure a core principle.
Close your eyes and masturbate to your imagination sometimes. Buy something made with your favorite textured fabric because you love how it feels against your skin. Stop by Lush or Whole Foods to splurge on some high-quality moisturizing soap. Cook a meal that is both rich and flavorful and healthy for you so you can close your eyes and really enjoy the taste. Pamper yourself at least once a week! Enjoy life and connect to your positive feelings and the glow will come from within. These types of activities help you connect back to your senses and feelings, which are some of your biggest assets.
Express yourself creatively.
This is major because as women we are natural creators, not only from the womb but from the mind. Fashion, cosmetics, hair, music, art, literature and many more forms of creativity help you express yourself and connect with others. If you usually rock your own hair, experiment with some extensions every now and then to create a new look. Add some pieces to your wardrobe that challenge your usual vibe. Be playful with your appearance sometimes! Dive back into a creative outlet that you enjoy, and you will see yourself looking to it as catharsis instead of letting frustration build inside of you. The great part is, the way you express yourself creatively most likely can convert into profit.
Abundance honey, abundance.
Learn how to get comfortable receiving.
Many of us have a hard time taking something as minute as a compliment, and then wonder why we aren't manifesting the way we want. We need to start not only being okay with receiving but to actually start expecting miracles in our lives. Women were built to receive! So many of us operate solely from our masculine energy out of necessity because we feel like we have to. In order to survive, some of us have to be aggressive, constantly on the move, highly analytical and logical.
Give yourself permission to lean back and surrender to this beautiful thing called life every once in a while because you have survived your worst days and it is time to thrive. It's time to restore balance. Get in touch with your God-given intuition and let it guide you sometimes because that's how you strengthen it. Learn how to surround yourself with people you can submit to. Be vulnerable every once in a while and show your underbelly so the people close to your heart will show you theirs.
By taking steps and educating yourself on feminine energy and how to heal yours, you will love yourself deeper, radiate love, and invite more divine masculine energy into your life. Let it flow, let it glow, and lastly thank God you're a woman!
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
In Order To Evolve, I Had To Break Up With The Word 'Healing'
Looking Over My Life, I Realized I Need A Do-Over Of My Single Days
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Featured image by GIPHY
Originally published on August 18, 2019
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New Jersey native creating a life that she loves while living in gratitude. She loves using beauty, and fashion to create a balanced lifestyle while prioritizing wellness. A devoted fur mom, and a full-time lover of laughter. She is out for revenge against the darkness by being light, taking her own advice, traveling the world, and letting you know that you are so lit! Connect with her via IG @iamzaniah and please visit Zaniahsworld.com
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You're Catching Feelings For Your Guy Friend. Now What?
Let me just start this all off by saying that I will never be the kind of person who thinks that men and women can’t be friends (or that single people and married people can’t be friends). Choosing friends is about looking into someone’s character and how they complement your life; it should never be about their gender or relational status. Don’t get it twisted, though — in order to properly navigate the dynamic between a man and a woman, there are some things that should be pondered and then discussed.
For instance, is the relationship truly platonic? Even though our culture has reduced that word to simply mean that two people are friends and nothing more, the actual definition is that BOTH individuals do not have any type of sexual interest or attraction at all; that only a spiritual kind of love exists. Is that possible? I have a few male friends where that word applies. I won’t lie, though — most of my (unmarried) male friends are more in the lane of, “You could get it. We just value the friendship too much to explore it”…and no, it hasn’t been “game” whenever they’ve brought it up.
Contrary to the notoriously toxic belief of so many folks out here, not every man has coochie on the brain 24/7 and/or lacks self-control and/or is willing to risk it all in order to get some. In fact, not one man in my life is even remotely that shallow.
Now, that doesn’t mean that I don’t get that the line between just friends and possibly more isn’t a tightrope for some friendships from time to time. Like, what happens if the person who ends up “with a little extra,” as far as emotions go for a friend, ends up being you? Even further, what if that question isn’t even close to being rhetorical because it’s something that you’re experiencing right at this very moment, and you’re not exactly sure what you should do about it?
If that’s the case, have no fear. I think I might be able to offer up a bit of insight that can get you through the (potential) internal stress of what happens when you look up one day and it really does seem like, out of nowhere, you suddenly want your guy friend to become something…more.
What Kind of Friendship Is It?
GiphySo before we talk about anything else, the first thing that you should get clear on is the type of friendship that you’re in. What I mean by that is, although we tend to use “friend” to cover all of the bases of someone who we’re not romantically involved with (or isn’t a relative or we can’t stand — and chile,don’t even get me started on frenemies), the reality is that friendships definitely have levels to them (check out “Always Remember That Friendships Have 'Levels' To Them”).
Like,is he a work friend? Is he a church friend? Is he someone you’ve recently gotten to know over the past couple of months? Is he an online friend? Or is it deeper, like a guy who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years now or someone who you used to have in the friend zone (check out “Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.”)? Or — and lawd have mercy, if so — is he your best friend, and you’re starting to see him in a completely different light?
Do you see how, just breaking down some of these friendship dynamics, the situations are quite different? For instance, if you have feelings for a co-worker friend, you’ve got to take into consideration what your work environment will be like if the two of you date and it ultimately doesn’t work out. If he’s an online friend (especially if he’s in another city, state, or country), the risk of potential rejection probably won’t be as impactful as if you have to see him every weekend at church.
If he’s someone you already put into the friend zone, I’m gonna tell you right now that if he has any sort of self-esteem, you’re gonna have to eat a few slices of humble pie to get him to entertain being more than friends (because guys tend to move on once they find out that they fall into that space). And if he’s your best friend? Well, while it probably won’t cost you your friendship, it could make things awkward for a while at best or shift the relationship a bit at worst.
That’s why I definitely think that getting real about the kind of friendship you have with the guy is what you should get mentally cleared up first. Then, we can move on to the next thing.
What Do You Want to Come from the Matter?
GiphyAnyway, because I do have a nice circle of male friends, many of whom are single or divorced, I get asked often if it’s hard to be just friends with them. It’s not because I really like what we have as being friends only. There is a type of intimacy and balance of energies that come from a male-female friendship that you can never get from same-sex ones. I value it all too much to risk it. What I want from my male friends — a certain level of protection (because I’m single), insight from a male perspective, doing things that my female friends may not want to do, etc. — I get…and that’s worth more than seeing if the sex would be bomb or if we should try something more and it end up being a bad decision that we can’t come back from.
That’s me, though. That doesn’t have to be you and your guy friend. For example, what if what you want is to explore a sexual relationship (check out “5 Things You Should Ask Yourself Before Having Sex with A Friend”) because you can’t seem to get sex with him out of your head? For better or for worse, chile, back when I was out in these sex streets, that was pretty much my pattern: sex with close friends (check out “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners”), and it’s not an impossible feat.
You’ve just got to be real with yourself about whether that’s truly all that you want and if you can handle it gracefully if things don’t go as planned (check out “How To Preserve Your Friendship After BAD Casual Sex”) or the sex is so good that now you can’t decide if you’re into him or just into…it. Oh, and don’t even get me started on if he’s seeing other people (because all you wanted was sex…right?). Yeah, a movie that I like calledSleeping with Other People has a scene where a woman is mad that her casual sex partner is sleeping around. His response was on-point: “Keeping our arrangement doesn’t make me an as-hole, but it does make you a liar.” #checkmate
That’s just one example to emphasize the point that, yes, you need to figure out what you want to come from your more-than-just-friends feelings. Do you just want to get it off of your chest and you’re not sure if you want or need to do anything more than that? Do you want just sex? Would you like to go on a few dates to see ifthe chemistry is mutual? Are you “deeply in” and you’re hoping that he feels the same way so that you two can have a full-blown relationship?
Listen, I have watched enough relationships in my lifetime to know that when it comes to something that needs to be as thoughtfully approached as this, it’s not fair to share your feelings with someone and then expect them to know what you want to come from doing so. You need to know…first. So before bringing it to him, figure it out on your own.
Tell Him the Deal. No Hinting Around.
GiphyAlthough timing and delivery matter, I don’t know one man who isn’t a “straight no-chaser” type of individual. This means no hinting around. No guessing games. No 50 million questions to try and see if he likes you first. I promise you that all of these approaches are off-putting to guys and will get them to mentally and emotionally tap out before you get around to making your point. Besides, if he’s a FRIEND friend, you should be able to express your genuine feelings — and honestly, this is a huge plus to telling him: you will be able to see how mature he is when it comes to handling matters of the heart.
Can there be a reason to not tell your guy friend how you feel? I mean, honestly, if you’re avoiding it, I’m assuming that it’s mostly due to fear, and trying to maintain anything with fear as your “fuel,” ultimately, isn’t going to get you anywhere. Plus, the more that you suppress what is going on inside of you, the more it’s going to alter the energy between the two of you, and that could cause unnecessary stress and strain to where either you start unnecessarily projecting things onto him, or he wants to spend less time around you because you’re making him feel as uncomfortable as you are.
Are there any exceptions to this? Eh. If you’re more like good acquaintances than actual friends, perhaps. Personally, though, I think that solid friendships are rooted in honesty — and how can you claim that you’ve got a healthy friendship with someone if you’re holding something as big back as having feelings for them away from them? Logically, it just doesn’t make much sense.
Prepare Yourself for His Response. And Don’t Penalize the Friendship If He Doesn’t Feel the Same Way.
GiphyOnce you tell him, for the most part, there are three ways that telling him can go: he can like you back, he can want some time and space to consider the possibilities, or he can not be interested. Let’s briefly unpack all three.
Liking you back...
So, what if you tell him how you feel, and he feels the same way (or something close)? My two cents would be for the two of you to still go slowly. Where I’ve seen many mess up is they think that they can go from friend to more-than-friends in two days or less, and that’s super unrealistic. Meaning, someone having feelings for you, too doesn't mean that they can, should, or will automatically stop seeing other people or that you two can or should immediately start becoming intimate.
Take some time to really discuss each other’s feelings, thoughts, and expectations — and what you guys should do trying to move into a different relational space ultimately proves to not be the best thing for one or both of you. If anything should take the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” approach, it’s friends who are transitioning into something more — or else.
Wanting time and space...
Going from friends to potentially something different is a lot like shifting gears in a car — and if you move too fast, you can strip them. That said, just because you’ve been sitting with your feelings for a while, it’s not fair to want to rush him after he finds out. Whether he wants time and space to figure out how he feels about your feelings or time and space from you altogether — both are warranted.
Should it be for weeks with no contact? Not if he’s a good friend. On the other hand, should you pressure him into making you feel at ease about what he’s just now learning? Eh. You might want to go to another friend to help you out with that. I mean, how would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Right…exactly.
He's not interested...
No one likes rejection; that’s real. At the same time, though, it’s not fair to penalize him if he doesn’t feel the same way that you do. Clearly, if he’s your friend (especially a close friend), he adores and values you on some level. However, if that’s not romantically, try and be emotionally mature enough to know and then accept that not wanting all of what you desire from the relationship doesn’t mean that he doesn’t want you in his life at all.
At the end of the day, if it’s too hard to be his friend when you want something else, you’ve got to do what’s best for you. Just make sure that you’re not going to lose a great person in your life because your ego got bruised or your pride couldn’t handle him not reciprocating what you were offering. It’s not fair, and it could end up costing you…A LOT. Take the kind of space you need to redirect your focus. If he loves you, he’ll be there when you get…back.
___
I’ve developed feelings for a friend before; more than once. Was it always easy to work through? Not always. My friendships always survived it, though — whether the feelings were reciprocated or not. And it was because we valued the friendship too much to lose it.
And honestly, I think that is one of the best things to come out of having feelings for a friend: you end up finding out just how solid the bond actually is. And in a world where really good friends are hard to come by…that can never not be a good thing.
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Featured image by FG Trade/Getty Images