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I was completely broken, and every part of me hurt. I was no longer the lighthearted Camille that everyone loved and knew me to be. I remember a family friend saying, “You’re not the same.” And I wasn’t. I no longer recognized the girl looking back at me in the mirror. I needed major healing.
It was 2018 when I found the courage to seek mental health therapy. At that point, I knew there was nothing more that my friends could do for me. I was all cried out, and the silence was killing me. At the time, I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety, depression, and PTSD. How?
How did I let trauma take complete control of my life? But I had to forgive myself for all the things I did not know.
At the time, my therapist introduced me to journaling as a coping mechanism. Words ultimately became my best friend. In many ways, I would like to think that writing saved me. I am in love with words, and I always have been. My writing was and still is my safe space. It unlocked opportunities I never imagined – like writing for xoNecole.
And with this gift, I can now tell you a story about my own trauma, healing, self-discovery, and the journey to learning how to celebrate myself.
Starting a Healing Journey
In early Spring 2019, I was told by a Reiki healer that I was going to embark on a journey. She told me it was going to be lonely, but I was never alone. The thing is I never once mentioned to this woman my travel plans. It was August 2019 when I planned my solo trip to Europe. It was going to be 38 days alone on a continent I knew absolutely nothing about. By the end of summer and a nine-hour flight later, I touched down in London.
I fell in love with every single thing. I fell in love with everything I could see – colors, cobblestone streets, spiral staircases, adorned windows, architecture, garden terraces, nature, and people. I fell in love with everything I could hear – accents, language, history, and music. I fell in love with everything I could taste – wines, foods, and desserts. I fell in love with everything I could feel – ocean breezes, white sands, and well-designed buildings. I fell in love with everything that fed my soul. People, stories, and connections. I fell in love with myself.
I traveled to England, Portugal, Spain, France, and Italy. And with every conversation and every connection I made – I found healing.
I always say women have the ability to heal others naturally. It was here in my travels that I started to pay attention to the concepts of purpose, connection, energy, alignment, and universal signs. I began to truly realize not only my strengths and universal gifts but also how to use them too. I started to step into my authentic self. I began to realize who Camille really was. A free spirit with a heart of gold.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
A New Season
By the time I had returned from Europe, it was late Fall 2019, and I was a completely different person.
I spent most of my time pouring into myself. Self-development and self-love became key. Everything that I previously settled for in family, friends, and relationships – I went and gave to myself. Read that again. I became completely in love with who I was becoming, and I still am. I had let go of tradition, conditional beliefs, people pleasing, and living my life to make my parents proud.
I had let go of being a “straight arrow,” and the idea of having it all figured out. I outgrew tradition and cultural norms. Sometimes, those things can be so blinding.
I began to shift. I adopted and altered the things that aligned with my purpose and values.
I became risk-tolerant instead of risk-averse.
I canceled my fears.
I welcomed uncertainty, knowing I would always land on my feet.
This newfound level of confidence came out of nowhere. It was no longer a question of if I can do this. The question became, how can I do this? I stayed open to possibilities and opportunities in whichever form they came to me. I became selective and intentional with my time and energy, too. I went from being a 9 to 5 government employee, then a corporate consultant, to a small business owner not once but twice by 2021.
If you ask me who I am now, I would say I am authentically a creative. I write from my heart, and I speak from my core. My voice is my power, and my words hold weight. By trade, I am a paralegal and a business consultant.
How Trauma Shows Up in the Body
Even though I was able to heal my heart, my mind, and my spirit, I wasn’t quite done healing. And I didn’t even know it. In the last seven years, I gained weight. This was a direct result of a broken heart, emotional trauma, mental health issues, stress, and poor lifestyle choices. I was a good 50 pounds overweight, too. I knew something was wrong with my body when it stopped responding to my dietary and lifestyle efforts.
I started to advocate for my health in the winter of 2022 to get clarity and answers. I sought the care of medical specialists, asked the right questions, requested second opinions, and tested and retested my blood. Not one doctor could properly diagnose me, either.
When Western medicine failed me, I chose holistic medicine. What I learned and what I understood was that my physical health issues were a straight-up trauma response. I cried. I was always conscious about my health, and now I’m sick with Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Yes, PTSD triggers and is linked to autoimmune diseases.
I remember thinking, “I did this to myself, and I have to fix it.”
I spent the majority of 2023 detoxing with Chinese herbs, making every lifestyle change possible. My body was holding on to dead weight – it had to go for me to continue to become.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Celebrating Myself
Summer 2023 couldn’t come any faster. I completed my holistic detox with sacrifice and ease. While everyone saw just a “body transformation,” for me, it was an emotional release.
I was no longer reminded of what transpired. I cried again.
There were so many days, months, and years that I thought I would never get me back. And I believed it. I mean, who wouldn’t? Medical experts adamantly told me that there was nothing wrong with me. All I wanted was to feel like myself again. I missed me so badly.
I looked for me everywhere. I couldn’t find her until I paused and did the inner work.
I wouldn’t change one thing about my healing journey. It all had to happen so I could be in this current moment. And this girl right here – I know exactly who she is. I know what she stands for through and through. And I’ll never stray from that.
I’ve grown so much, yet in some ways, I’m rediscovering who this girl is again. It’s so intoxicating.
Courtesy of Camille Ali
Returning to Europe
I have always wanted to go back to Europe. Europe is a magical place to be. It's the energy, the people, and the lifestyle for me. But the timing wasn’t right. It took the wedding of a close friend of mine to make my return happen. I returned to Europe in August 2023. This time to Greece.
At first, I didn’t realize the significance of the timing. But make no mistake, this was alignment, a full circle moment, and a testimony to myself. I started a healing journey in August 2019, and I returned as a completely different person this year.
Happy, whole, and healed. Resilient and confident.
I knew I was meant to share a pivotal moment in my friend’s life and celebrate myself. My word for 2023 was joy, and I wanted all of it. More importantly, I deserved it.
I fell in love with everything all over again. Everything that I can see, hear, smell, touch, and taste, that is. I created moments and memories. And I felt each moment and memory deeply in new places and with new faces. Greece owed me absolutely nothing. Europe will always and forever have a special place in my heart.
My five-year healing journey taught me to always choose myself. I am grateful because my entire journey brought me home to myself. And one thing about me is that when I am in the right environment — I thrive. Always.
The journey to self-discovery is worth the uncomfortable moments and ugly crying. It’s worth the undoing, redoing, and reprocessing to finally come to a place of happiness, peace, and being comfortable in your own skin.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Originally published on October 4, 2023
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By the time December arrived, especially as a Jersey girl going to see the tree at Rockefeller Center in the city, enjoying the holiday bars, time with my family, all the holiday rituals that once brought me joy, decorating my tree, and planning holiday outings, felt distant.
I wasn’t burned out from doing too much. I was exhausted from holding everything. I realized I didn’t need to host or attend a holiday party. I needed to halt. I needed a pause.
So I packed my bags and took a solo trip to Aruba.
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Ironically, Embassy Suites was my happy place growing up.
My birthdays were marked by pool parties and sleepovers, and swimming became my earliest form of regulation. Years later, that instinct returned. When life feels unsteady, I go back to the water. Whether it’s swimming indoors at the gym, at local pools, or in the ocean, water calms me. There felt like no better way to let my body finally exhale than spending four days alone, surrounded by the sea.
I love a baecation, a girls’ trip, and a family vacation just as much as the next person — cousins’ trips are still my favorite, sorry to the rest of my family — but this time, I needed rest and silence. Total quiet outside of my Spotify playlist and the sound of waves. A break from my titles — from being the reliable one, the founder, the social media manager, the journalist, the one who’s always available, the oldest daughter.
As Black women, we’re often taught to hold everything together long before anyone asks us to. I didn’t grow up seeing the women who raised me vacation much. They did occasionally travel, but I saw them work more than anything. They held all the titles they taught me to hold (and then some), and they still do. Before the plane even took off, both of my phones were ringing nonstop.
The need for rest wasn’t theoretical, dramatic, or a TikTok cliché of how a vacation would heal me - it was urgent.
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Where I Stayed
Staying at the Embassy Suites by Hilton Aruba Resort, which opened in 2023, made slowing down feel possible. While Embassy Suites is often associated with business or family travel, the Aruba property is one of eight Embassy Suites resorts worldwide — designed as a true resort experience rather than a traditional hotel stay.
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One of the most grounding features of the property is its direct underground walkway to the beach, allowing guests to move from the hotel to the shoreline safely and seamlessly. Upon arrival, I was met with private palapas reserved for hotel guests, calm, clear waters, and a family-friendly experience where infants, adults, and even pets were welcome (yes, I felt guilty for leaving my dog, but again - I needed the rest lol.)
While it isn’t marketed as a wellness hotel, there were thoughtful nods to well-being throughout the stay.
Daily movement offerings like yoga, Pilates, and water aerobics were available throughout the week, adding to the resort’s offerings as well as a kids club, a gym, and many rooms to hold meetings and celebrations.
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Each morning began slowly with a complimentary breakfast at Brickstone Kitchen, featuring local tropical fruits and a made-to-order omelette bar. Brickstone Café offered an easy stop for coffee throughout the day, reinforcing the unhurried pace of the resort, and daily, I sat outside overlooking the ocean, taking in the view and the waves.
Snorkeling and Enjoying Cultural Cuisine
Beyond the hotel, I explored Aruba through moments that felt equally restorative. I snorkeled with Red Sail Aruba, swimming in some of the clearest water I’ve ever seen. I enjoyed beef croquette, pastechi, and the country’s official cocktail, the Aruba Ariba — a drink invented by a Hilton bartender more than sixty years ago. Those moments made me feel present, not like a visitor rushing through.
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Dining & the Nervous System Moment
Dinner at Brickstones Restaurant, led by Barbadian-born Executive Sous Chef Andre Nurse, became one of the most defining moments of the trip. I expected to enjoy rotating fish-of-the-day selections — from mahi-mahi to sea bass, alongside fresh ceviche and surf-and-turf plates featuring sirloin with coconut curry shrimp. And I did. But during my first dinner, overlooking the property and the beach as the sun began to set, something unexpected happened.
As I waited for my meal, I could feel the stress leaving my body. A full-body tingle moved through me. My shoulders softened. My breath slowed. My body shifted out of fight-or-flight and finally stood down. I experienced a parasympathetic release.
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According to Harvard Health, the parasympathetic nervous systemacts like a brake after stress, calming the body once danger has passed. I didn’t realize how long my body had been bracing until it stopped. I closed my eyes, let the chills move through me, and surrendered to the calm I had been needing. For the first time in weeks, my nervous system stopped bracing. It was like my body was telling me to slow down and finally listen.
Seeing the Island, Fully
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On my final evening, I experienced Aruba beyond the resort when the hotel’s marketing director offered to drive me around the island — a gesture that became one of the highlights of my trip. We revisited Eagle Beach, continued north to the California Lighthouse — a historic beacon built in the early 20th century and perched at the island’s northern tip — and took in panoramic views that made Aruba’s stillness feel even more profound.
We ended the night with a stop at Starbucks Aruba and a conversation about the island’s long-standing connection to aloe. Long before it became a global skincare staple, aloe was one of Aruba’s primary exports, thriving in the island’s dry climate and shaping a local industry that still exists today. Learning that history — how the land itself has long been used for healing — added another layer to the experience.
Aruba brought me face-to-face with what I’d been avoiding: radical self-care and sustainable practices that root me even when life feels unsteady. I returned home lighter — not because my circumstances had changed, but because my body remembered what safety feels like.
I came back to my family, the remainder of the holiday season, and my work with a clearer sense of what I need to protect moving forward, and dedicated to the next adventure
Featured image by Shutterstock
