Do you remember the first time you learned that Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy weren't real? Or that Lindsay Lohan really didn't have a twin in Parent Trap? For a hot ten seconds, you thought the whole world was a lie. Are my parents truly my parents? Is the sky really blue?
Issa conspiracy.
Well, this same level of disbelief kicks in when you realize how difficult this phenomenon called "adulting" can be.
Picture this: It's 8:00 PM. You just got home from a long day of work, followed by 2 hours of fake smiling and small talking at the company networking reception. Traffic on the way home is surprisingly bad for so late at night. You get home and all you want to do is curl up in bed with a glass of wine and watch This Is Us, but you remember that you need to meal prep for lunch and dinner tomorrow. You then open the fridge to begin cooking and realize that your chicken isn't defrosted. Bet. Cereal it is. In the shower, thoughts about the bills you have to pay next week consume your mind.
What's a 401(k)? Who is the IRS and why do they need my money?
Am I actually a dependent?
If I say I am, do I get my money back?
Can I finesse and stay on my parents' health insurance until I'm 30?
Ugh, why is my rent due next week? Why does everything cost money?
The water goes cold. Great. You get out of the shower and suddenly it's 11:00 PM. How? Wraps hair. Climbs in bed. Lights off. Before you doze off, you remember that you have to do this all over again the next day, and the next day, and the next…
This, my friend, is adulting. This is the life we seemingly rushed through our final days of undergrad for. This is the beginning of our new forever. Woo!
All jokes aside, late fall typically marks the end of the adulting honeymoon period where we are forced to confront our misconceptions and regroup regarding our approach for this next stage of our lives. You're starting to see the same people at the club, your workload only seems to be growing larger, and the only consistent DMs you're getting in your inbox are from Sallie Mae.
Undergrad had its own playbook and by the time we graduated, most of us learned how to dominate the game. We were the stars of organizations, knew all the places to turn for help, had our community of friends on lock. And then, poof: we're starting all over. The rules aren't the same, we have a lot less free time, and we're learning more about our wants vs. needs.
For so long, my go-to depiction of adulting was Living Single: I was going to have this squad of fabulous girlfriends, go out on all these dates, have this amazing social life, and somehow still have time for myself. Well, now as a 20-something in that very same area of Brooklyn, I am pleased to report that I have a squad of fabulous girlfriends whom I rarely see because I work long hours, ain't nobody got time to be dating all the time, and my social life and desire for me-time often clash.
I have found that this tug-o-war, this requirement that you smell the roses and prioritize what truly matters to you, is a lot more representative of adulting than anything I saw on TV. And while so much of adulting is truly a lot of fun – the clean slate, the independence, the flexibility – there also a number of curveballs. How you adjust to the unexpected is up to you, but if done right, it can make all of the difference.
Here are 6 common struggles of adulting and tips on how to make the most of them:
Everything Costs Money
Bills, bills, bills, can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo-bills? If you did then maybe we could chill. Right now, if someone were to offer me 6 months of free groceries or free tickets to Coachella, I would pick the former with the quickness. No questions asked. I said what I said.
The beginning of the month is a constant dark cloud over our month because we know that we are going to have to pay our rent, electricity, gas, and wifi bills – maybe even cable – if you're bougie like that.
For recent grads, a good majority of our college expenses were in a vacuum. You likely paid a good chunk of your schooling through grants, scholarships, loans, and possibly parental assistance on a semester basis. There was a lot of stress around the beginning and end of each semester, but what was required from you was a lot more nuanced. Now, we're being asked to make decisions regarding health care plans and life insurance, when 6 months ago the highest level of financial planning we obtained was organizing an 8 person spring break trip to Cancun.
Tip: Get organized as quickly as you can regarding your mandatory expenses. Food, shelter, transportation, student loan repayment – the basics – should be prioritized from the jump in order to avoid hiccups. I create Google Calendar notifications for my bill due dates and set up automated payments to ensure timeliness. I also met with a financial planner to discuss my long-term strategy. After doing some basic budgeting, you will have a better sense regarding your flexible income and can pursue financial mentorship for more complicated concepts like 401(k) planning and saving for graduate school. You need to know what you're working with so there are no surprises.
The Same Routine Can Get Monotonous
Depending on your job and overall lifestyle, the day to day life of adulting can get old pretty quickly. Wake up, work, eat, sleep, repeat will pretty much be the mantra of the next few decades, give or take a few vacations (depending on how many days you get off *cough cough*) and spontaneous sick days. That being said, it is important to spice up your life whenever your daily routine is getting too stale.
Tip: Grab your girls and go on a short weekend trip to a nearby city or visit a new cafe that has been catching your eye. Days and weeks can blur together, months passing at a time before you realize it, if left unchecked. You need to be very intentional about making time for yourself and experiences that will make you smile amidst the slow days. Reclaim your time.
Your First Job May Not Be Your Passion
Listen here, lean in close: It's okay not to love your first job – or first couple of jobs. Even jobs you love can stress you out when the hours are demanding and/or you depend on them to pay your bills. Upon connecting with a few of my friends to discuss our new lives, a common thread is the overall shock of working full-time and how drastically different or unfilling the work is compared to our original expectations.
Tip: First, remember that learning what you dislike from a career perspective is often as just as important as learning what you do like. Whether you decide to leave or stay, during your first few months/years into a new role, you are developing a set of transferable skills that will make you a stronger employee in your next job. So, don't quit as soon as your job isn't how you imagined. Work to maintain a strong reputation, give yourself time to truly assess your environment, and try to make the best out of your current situation, so leaving on good terms is actually an option.
Maintaining Old Friendships And Building New Ones Requires More Effort
We all knew it was coming, but moving away from all of our college friends and connecting with them less frequently is a definite down downside of adulting. While you'll certainly make new friends and FaceTime the old ones, you'll eventually have to come to terms with how little free time you have for a social life in general. Unless you work with your new friend group, meeting new people can be more challenging.
Tip: Be more thoughtful about the relationships you want to maintain and the kinds of people you want closest to you. Quality does not equal quantity and it's okay to accept that some friendships are just for a season.
But, as a general tip: Be intentional.
If having a solid group of friends is important to you, actually work to cultivate one. If keeping up with your old friends is important to you, make sure you check in every once in a while. Join book clubs, invite your neighbor over for a wine night, send your BFF a funny meme to check in on her. Going with the flow does not always pan out in a world where everyone is growing, stretching, and moving at the same time. If you care about something, make it known.
Dating in Your 20-Somethings Is A Mixed Bag
I have found dating in your 20-somethings to be like a box of chocolates. Some chocolates have pretty coating but taste disgusting, some bizarre chocolates taste surprisingly good, and sometimes, it's just better to stick with what you know. All in all, there are a number of options, you don't always know what you're getting, and you can't eat all the chocolates at once, but the temptation is there.
When I first thought about moving back to NYC, the promise of an active dating life was certainly a plus. Especially, after living in Utah for a few months. While dating is definitely an option, I quickly learned that first dates get old pretty quickly and there is such a range of experience and expectations in one age demographic. Some people are already 7 years deep into their careers and want to lock it down immediately, while some barely know where their next paycheck is coming from. Guys who I originally saw myself with ultimately did not fit the bill and taking the time to truly get to know new people while balancing busy work schedules and the occasional existential crisis can grow to be too much. As annoying as dating in college was, I found it to be a lot simpler.
Tip: Despite the cliche, some of the greatest tidbits of dating advice that I've received about dating in our 20's is the importance of spending time working on ourselves, understanding what we truly want, not being afraid to communicate, and asking people to step up or to step away. There is so much pressure to compare ourselves to those around us, especially in the age of social media, and there is this incessant pressure to have all the answers. In reality, most of our peers are just as lost as we are. The harsh reality is that we'll just have to kiss a couple frogs – or keep trying different chocolates – until we figure out what truly works and who makes us the happiest. Our 20's are for growth.
There's no turning back
If only we could just decide not to adult for a few months. Just temporarily freeze the impending bills and demands and simply exist. Wouldn't that be nice?
Tip: Well girl, this ship has sailed. Bon voyage. There's no turning back. There will be ups and downs, tears and celebrations, and moments where you question it all. But, after you get ahold of your schedule, finances, and figure out who and what brings you joy in this new chapter, adulting really isn't half bad.
What are some of your adulting struggles and strategies? Tell us in the comments below.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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And so, since this is the time of year when catching a cold (and/or the flu) is common, let’s talk about the impact that sleep (and again, a lack thereof) has on your immune system. That way, you can remain as healthy as possible during the fall and winter seasons.
1. Less Sleep Means More Colds
GiphyLike I stated in the intro, I’m pretty sure you’ve heard somewhere that the fall and winter are the seasons when people are most susceptible to catching a cold or coming down with the flu. And that’s exactly why I thought I would start this all off by sharing the fact that some studies reveal that if you get less than six hours of sleep, on a consistent basis, you end up making yourself more vulnerable to coming down with both. In fact, some research says that only 18 percent of people who get six-plus hours of rest caught a cold while almost 40 percent who got less than that did.
The logic behind it all is sleep gives your body time to build up the proteins and cells (like cytokines and T-cells) that you need to fight off certain viruses. So, if nothing bothers you more than having a stuffy nose or stubborn cough when it’s cold outside, getting more sleep is one way to prevent that from happening to you.
2. Less Sleep Means More Allergy Symptoms
GiphyAt the end of the day, an allergy is basically what transpires whenever your immune system “overreacts” to something that other people’s systems do not. And since sleep is what helps to keep your immune system nice and strong — well, I’m sure you get how less allergy-related symptoms and more sleep go hand in hand. Also, since sleep helps to decrease bodily inflammation (more on that in a bit) and inflammation can also intensify allergy symptoms, that’s just one more reason to get as much shut-eye as possible.
3. Less Sleep Means Potential Diabetes and Heart Disease
GiphyDid you know that in 2024, Black women were diagnosed with diabetes 24 percent more than any other adult demographic. Also, it continues to be a reality that heart disease is the leading cause of death for Black women. These two sobering statistics alone should be enough of an incentive to do whatever you can to keep the risk of diabetes and heart disease way down.
One way to do that is by getting more sleep. Aside from the fact that sleep strengthens your immune system to where it is easier for you to fight off illness and diseases, sleep can keep your blood sugar levels in a healthy space; plus, when it comes to your heart, it gives it, along with your arteries and blood vessels a break.
4. Less Sleep Means Less Time for Your Body to Push “Reset”
GiphyIf you really stopped to consider all that your body goes through during the day (you can read some about that here), you definitely would respect it enough to do your best to thank it by giving it no less than six hours of sleep, each and every night. Sleep is what helps to slow your brain and body down so they are able to “refuel” for the next day. After all, how can your body prevent you from getting sick if your immune system is too worn out to fight ailments off? Exactly.
5. More Sleep Helps You to Fight Off Infections
GiphySpeaking of, in order for your body to fight off infections, there are certain cells and antibodies within you that need to be healthy and strong — one way that they get and stay that way is by you getting a good amount of sleep. For instance, remember when I touched on cytokines earlier? Well, the same way that they help to prevent colds, they also help to prevent infections too. And since sleep lowers your cortisol (stress) levels, rest gives your body the time and space to build up an army that can fight off free radicals and other health-related challenges while you are awake.
6. More Sleep Lowers Bodily Inflammation
GiphyWhenever a health-related issue is mentioned on this platform, inflammation is something that is mentioned quite a bit. Probably the easiest way to explain inflammation is it’s how your body responds/reacts whenever something is happening to your body that shouldn’t be, whether it’s an illness, an injury, a germ or something that you may be allergic to.
If you happen to have chronic inflammation, some symptoms that are associated with that include fatigue, stiff joints, skin rashes, weight gain and moodiness.
The interesting thing about all of this is if you aren’t getting enough rest, you could be triggering inflammation in your body. That’s because studies reveal that a lack of sleep can elevate molecules that are associated with inflammation. So, if you don’t want inflammation to increase within your system, you should definitely catch more zzz’s.
7. More Sleep Regulates Hormones
GiphyWhen it comes to hormones like serotonin, estrogen and cortisol, believe it or not, they play a role in how your immune system acts and overreacts. That’s because, if your hormones are out of balance, that can cause your immune system to work harder than it actually should and that can make you more vulnerable to sickness. One way to keep your hormones leveled out? SLEEP.
That’s because sleep gives your body the opportunity to rest, repair and restore your hormone levels. On the other hand, when you are sleep deprived, that can put/keep your hormones on the ultimate roller coaster ride. #notgood
8. More Sleep Strengthens Vaccines
flu shot GIF - Find & Share on GIPHYGiphyIf you’re someone who is good for getting some sort of vaccine around this time of the year, make sure that you rest up before and after getting your shots. Not only does adequate rest before a vaccination help your immune system to be better receptive to your shots but sleep also helps your body to build up enough antibodies to make your vaccinations effective after getting them. Because if you’re gonna get pricked, shouldn’t it be worth it? My thoughts exactly.
Get some freakin’ sleep! Your immune system depends on it.
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