Before You 'Friend Zone' Someone, Read This.
Although I tend to take in a lot of content on a weekly basis, I'm pretty intentional about looking for information—sometimes in the form of podcasts—that feature nothing but men and their thoughts and insights. To me, other than questioning my male friends (which I also do a lot), it's the best way to find out what actually makes men tick—and what doesn't. Why is this so important to me? It really can't be said enough that, a lot of women find themselves in the situations and/or patterns that they're in, due to the fact that, they are always asking women about what happens in the mind of a man rather than actual men. Sometimes, that is counterproductive, at best.
A great way to illustrate my point is a movie—one that seems to run on E! like Baby Boy runs on BET—He's Just Not That into You. While one of the main character's girlfriends was telling her that she wasn't hearing back from a guy she recently met because he was trying to figure out his approach, a guy in her life shot it straight and told her that ole' boy simply wasn't interested; that if he wanted her, he'd make the time and make it plain. Simple as that.
I thought about those scenes when I listened to a recent episode of Joe Budden's podcast. He and the guys were discussing the seemingly unavoidable question that so many of us seem to ask in our situationships—"What are we?" (at around the 45:00 mark). Joe's response was, "I be thinking that we both know what we are, we're just never gonna bring it up 'cause we're ashamed." (For context, he meant ashamed that he and a woman are basically doing all of the stuff that makes for a relationship, but at least one of them has absolutely no intention of making things official.) As they continued the dialogue, Rory said, "They think if it's not a relationship or marriage, it was a waste of time. And I think that's the weirdest concept on earth. We enjoyed the time, right? What was wasted?" (Again. It's always a good idea to see how men see things; they are not us, so it tends to be quite different.) As they continued to go deeper, Rory said something else that A LOT of women need to accept as being a part of a man's psyche—"If you have to question if we're together, we're not."
Let's rinse and repeat that—If you're wondering if you and some guy are together, no matter what you two may be doing or how long you've been doing it, you probably aren't. Not at least in his eyes. Ouch. And indeed. It's like guys friend zone women that they sleep with, without women even realizing it. Or rather, women think because they are sleeping with someone that it will get—or keep—them out of the friend zone. Clearly not.
That podcast discussion reminded me of another podcast that I checked out a while back. It's called Advice From A F*ck Boy. While I wasn't thrilled (at all) with women being referred to as bitches all throughout it (geeze), when Clint's guest said (at the 19:16 mark) that, "I flourish in the friend zone", it got me curious about how men actually perceive the friend zone. It also got me to thinking about why it can be relationally counterproductive for people to be so quick to put folks there. And just what do I mean by that? Let's back up in order to move forward.
What Exactly Is the Friend Zone?
Not too long ago, I wrote an article on the site entitled, "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally." The CliffsNotes is that we use the word "platonic" way too loosely; that it only applies if you are in an opposite sex friendship where neither person has a romantic or sexual interest in the other. And sis, that is rare. Very. Otherwise, whether we realize it or not, our friendships with men are "friend zone" ones. The reason why I say that is based on the very definition of the phrase—"a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other". Crazy, right? While most of us are out here thinking that we put people in friend zones, the reality is most friendships between a man and a woman automatically have friend-zone-qualities, at the very least.
But because a lot of us don't see friend zones in this fashion, I'll tackle it from the angle that is most popular. You meet someone, they like you, you don't feel quite the same way, and so you send strong signals that you want to be just friends. This brings me back to the F*ck Boy podcast that I referenced. While a lot of us tend to think that we are slick-wit-it when it comes to putting a guy into the friend zone, apparently men are paying closer attention than we think. Clint and his guest (and friend) Steph shared how they know that a woman is actually in the process of friend zoning them (this is transcribed, by the way):
When women send one-word texts. "I'm gonna ask you questions because I wanna get to know you. And, if you're not gonna ask me questions, then I'm pretty much am like, I'm pretty much gonna get to a point in the conversation where I'm like, 'Aight. You pretty much don't give a f—k, so…' Respect other people's time; I'm not on your schedule."
When guys receive "Homie" and "Bro" references. "You're going out of your way to let me know I'm your bro."
When women go out of their way to talk about other guys. "If she's being that open with you about guys that she's dating, f—kin' or is into, she's probably not for you, dog."
When women attempt to project onto men that it's the guys who are too busy to hang out, so that bailing doesn't "fall" on them. "If time is even remotely one of your love languages, you will make time for people…If I wanna see you, I'm gonna f—in' see you."
When there is a lack of effort and energy. "That's what we, as guys, have to be really able to peep…if you're not putting no effort in, I'm not about to be out here chasing you."
I mean, if a lot of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that these signs are pretty spot on.
To me, that's kind of the sad thing about friend zoning (or at least attempting to friend zone) someone—it's not very forthcoming or honest. There's so much game playing and manipulation that, ironically, trying to do it can actually cost you a friend because it can make it hard for someone to trust you. Anyone who has been friend zoned before knows exactly what I'm talking about.
But that's not the actual reason why I'm touching on this topic today; I just shared that because if you're doing any of those things to a guy, he probably knows what you are up to. No, I thought it would be important to explore friend zoning because, not a week goes by when a single woman isn't hitting me about with some variation of, "Why God why…when God when?" in reference to where her man is. Then, as we talk about some of the guys who are already in her life—good men, mind you—she flippantly and dismissively says, "Oh…they're just my friends." OK, but my question is WHY are they just a friend?
Your Man Could Be in Your Friend Zone—and You Don’t Even Know It
OK, I'm about to show all of my age by bringing this song up. Are any of you familiar with "Friends and Lovers" by Gloria Loring (fun fact: she's Robin Thicke's mother) and Carl Anderson? They used to play it back in the day on Days of Our Lives when Beau and Hope were trying to figure out what the heck they were doing. Anyway, the hook of the song says "So, I'll be your friend and I'll be your lover/'Cause I know in our hearts we agree/We don't have to be one or the other/We could be both to each other". Now looka here—there is some big time wisdom in that 80s pop song. Let's break it down in sections.
First, they didn't sing I'll be your lover and then your friend. But, unfortunately, that is exactly what a lot of us do. Either we are solely looks driven (check out "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?"), and by "looks driven" what I mean is, we have a type and we stick to it as if our lives depended on it (also check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'" and "Can Having A Type Hold Your Love Life Back?"). Or, we have sex way too soon with someone who we are physically drawn to. If we repeat this patten enough, we think that it's more important for there to be a sexual chemistry than an actual friendship. Not only does that way of thinking set us up to need to read other articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", it can also program us into believing that an attraction is more important than a connection. I'm not saying you shouldn't have both; you most certainly should. What I am saying is the foundation should be the connection—the friendship. Most people live their lives like it should be the reverse.
Second point. A cute movie that I recently checked out isA Second Chance (Chico Benymon, Jennifer Freeman). It was all about two besties and their journey towards discovering that there were right for each other. A lot of the push back that they—catch this—put themselves through consisted of them thinking that, although they adored each other, liked the same things, could talk about anything, had each other's back and found each other attractive…they were friends and should be nothing more than that. What in the entire world?
I've been a marriage life coach for quite a while now and I'm here to tell you that what causes a lot of people to divorce is that they never really were good friends. Not only that but, what holds a lot of marriages together is, true friendship. "Just friends" can be a horrible way to look at a real connection with someone. If you've got something like what I just described with a man and you both are single, it's at least worth pondering why you don't think you two can be more than that. Why you can't be friends and lovers? In that order too.
Final point. Time is precious. Do you know how many people end up taking the long route, unnecessarily so, when it comes to realizing that they need to take a friend out of their friend zone and explore the possibility of being more than "just friends"? Please hear me when I say that YES, you need to have chemistry with someone and YES, you need to be attracted to them, including sexually. Yet also hear me when I say that NO, you don't have to have drama and challenges for something to qualify as being a relationship and NO, you don't have to rip each other's clothes off before bonding mentally and emotionally. In other words, don't think that just because someone is a good friend that they can't be a great lover too. Ideally, the friendship should come first and if you're not so busy out here "zoning" folks, you will be more open to seeing what else they could be in your life.
Because here's the thing that is also true about male and female relationships—oftentimes, our male friends are drawn to us on some level; they simply don't act on it out of respect to us. This means that they aren't nearly as quick to friend zone us as we are to friend zone them. This means, you may be in your own way when it comes to finding "the one". You may already have—he's a friend of yours.
Some folks belong in the friend zone; no doubt about it. All I'm saying is, if you can't seem to find "him", he might be closer than you think. A man shouldn't be disqualified just because you were friends first or because he's not "your type". If there is some sort of spark, don't be so quick to put it out. The best of lovers are friends first. The best of married couples can certainly vouch for that.
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Feature image by Giphy
- Top 5 Texts That Have Put People in the Friend Zone | Grit Daily News ›
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- The friend zone: Why it's not the end of the world | British GQ ›
- "The Friend Zone" Is All In Your Head - P.S. I Love You ›
- The "Friend Zone" Is Real, but Not What You Think - The Everygirl ›
- Escape the Friend Zone: Going From "Just Friends" to More ... ›
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
If there’s one part of the face that seems to be the most vexing to correct, it’s the under eyes.
This delicate area has a way of being tipped off by our irregular sleep patterns, stress, and the straining that comes from our computers and phone screens. From puffiness to dark circles, it can be irksome to find the right products to soothe our under-eye concerns. Thankfully, there’s one solution that delivers a brighter and more awakened look over time, and that’s under-eye masks and eye patches.
Eye patches are giving our under-eye bags an eviction notice because they can’t hang our glowing faces rent-free. The beauty of these patches is that they are designed to bring your eyes targeted results through concentrated doses of active ingredients directly to the skin under the eyes. Typically made of thin, gel-like material and infused with ingredients like niacinamide, hyaluronic acid, caffeine, and even green teas, these small but mighty patches depuff your puffiness, brighten your dark circles, or tighten fine lines.
While every under-eye differs in its needs, every eye can benefit from an under-eye mask or patch that suits its concerns. And to help, we’ve put together the best under-eye patches to hydrate, soothe, and brighten your eyes.
The KNC Beauty All Natural Retinol Infused Eye Mask, 5-Pack, is a retinol-infused, all-natural product designed to rejuvenate your eyes. It promises to provide hydration, smoothness, reduced puffiness, and brightness without the use of chemicals. With ingredients like retinol to refine skin texture and stimulate blood flow and aloe to soothe and reduce redness, it's like getting 8 hours of beauty sleep for your eyes.
These cooling hydrogel under-eye masks from Topicals promise to fade the appearance of dark circles and discoloration in just 15 minutes. The set includes six masks and offers benefits that brighten, hydrate, depuff, and cool your under-eye area.
Peter Thomas Roth Potent-C Power Brightening Hydra-Gel Eye Patches
Grab these eye contour gel patches to brighten the eye area and combat signs of aging using a powerful form of vitamin C called THD Ascorbate, which is 50 times more potent than traditional vitamin C.
BeautyBio's Bright Eyes consists of 15 colloidal silver-infused eye gel patches designed to provide instant depuffing, brightening, and revitalization to the delicate eye area within 10 minutes. They also contain natural collagen to help diminish the appearance of fine lines, which we love.
These viral hydrogel masks offer moisture and nourishment to rejuvenate tired-looking skin. Their Snail Secretion Filtrate contains "Mucin," an effective moisturizing ingredient that soothes damaged skin and delivers deep hydration, making it suitable for dehydrated and damaged skin types. Your under-eyes will thank you.
Try these caffeine-infused patches to reduce puffiness in the under-eye area. The product features clean, vegan ingredients such as caffeine, niacinamide, and hyaluronic acid for deep hydration and moisture delivery.
The Forever Eye Mask is designed to be the “last eye mask you'll ever need.” This thin, lightweight, and reusable eye patch can hold gels, serums, and creams close to the skin for better absorption, helping your skincare products work more effectively.
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