Although I tend to take in a lot of content on a weekly basis, I'm pretty intentional about looking for information—sometimes in the form of podcasts—that feature nothing but men and their thoughts and insights. To me, other than questioning my male friends (which I also do a lot), it's the best way to find out what actually makes men tick—and what doesn't. Why is this so important to me? It really can't be said enough that, a lot of women find themselves in the situations and/or patterns that they're in, due to the fact that, they are always asking women about what happens in the mind of a man rather than actual men. Sometimes, that is counterproductive, at best.
A great way to illustrate my point is a movie—one that seems to run on E! like Baby Boy runs on BET—He's Just Not That into You. While one of the main character's girlfriends was telling her that she wasn't hearing back from a guy she recently met because he was trying to figure out his approach, a guy in her life shot it straight and told her that ole' boy simply wasn't interested; that if he wanted her, he'd make the time and make it plain. Simple as that.
I thought about those scenes when I listened to a recent episode of Joe Budden's podcast. He and the guys were discussing the seemingly unavoidable question that so many of us seem to ask in our situationships—"What are we?" (at around the 45:00 mark). Joe's response was, "I be thinking that we both know what we are, we're just never gonna bring it up 'cause we're ashamed." (For context, he meant ashamed that he and a woman are basically doing all of the stuff that makes for a relationship, but at least one of them has absolutely no intention of making things official.) As they continued the dialogue, Rory said, "They think if it's not a relationship or marriage, it was a waste of time. And I think that's the weirdest concept on earth. We enjoyed the time, right? What was wasted?" (Again. It's always a good idea to see how men see things; they are not us, so it tends to be quite different.) As they continued to go deeper, Rory said something else that A LOT of women need to accept as being a part of a man's psyche—"If you have to question if we're together, we're not."
Let's rinse and repeat that—If you're wondering if you and some guy are together, no matter what you two may be doing or how long you've been doing it, you probably aren't. Not at least in his eyes. Ouch. And indeed. It's like guys friend zone women that they sleep with, without women even realizing it. Or rather, women think because they are sleeping with someone that it will get—or keep—them out of the friend zone. Clearly not.
That podcast discussion reminded me of another podcast that I checked out a while back. It's called Advice From A F*ck Boy. While I wasn't thrilled (at all) with women being referred to as bitches all throughout it (geeze), when Clint's guest said (at the 19:16 mark) that, "I flourish in the friend zone", it got me curious about how men actually perceive the friend zone. It also got me to thinking about why it can be relationally counterproductive for people to be so quick to put folks there. And just what do I mean by that? Let's back up in order to move forward.
What Exactly Is the Friend Zone?
Not too long ago, I wrote an article on the site entitled, "The Word 'Platonic' Is Sacred. Literally." The CliffsNotes is that we use the word "platonic" way too loosely; that it only applies if you are in an opposite-sex friendship where neither person has a romantic or sexual interest in the other. And sis, that is rare. Very. Otherwise, whether we realize it or not, our friendships with men are "friend zone" ones. The reason why I say that is based on the very definition of the phrase—"a situation in which a friendship exists between two people, one of whom has an unreciprocated romantic or sexual interest in the other". Crazy, right? While most of us are out here thinking that we put people in friend zones, the reality is most friendships between a man and a woman automatically have friend-zone qualities, at the very least.
But because a lot of us don't see friend zones in this fashion, I'll tackle it from the angle that is most popular. You meet someone, they like you, you don't feel quite the same way, and so you send strong signals that you want to be just friends. This brings me back to the F*ck Boy podcast that I referenced. While a lot of us tend to think that we are slick-wit-it when it comes to putting a guy into the friend zone, apparently men are paying closer attention than we think. Clint and his guest (and friend) Steph shared how they know that a woman is actually in the process of friend-zoning them (this is transcribed, by the way):
When women send one-word texts. "I'm gonna ask you questions because I wanna get to know you. And, if you're not gonna ask me questions, then I'm pretty much am like, I'm pretty much gonna get to a point in the conversation where I'm like, 'Aight. You pretty much don't give a f—k, so…' Respect other people's time; I'm not on your schedule."
When guys receive "Homie" and "Bro" references. "You're going out of your way to let me know I'm your bro."
When women go out of their way to talk about other guys. "If she's being that open with you about guys that she's dating, f—kin' or is into, she's probably not for you, dog."
When women attempt to project onto men that it's the guys who are too busy to hang out, so that bailing doesn't "fall" on them. "If time is even remotely one of your love languages, you will make time for people…If I wanna see you, I'm gonna f—in' see you."
When there is a lack of effort and energy. "That's what we, as guys, have to be really able to peep…if you're not putting no effort in, I'm not about to be out here chasing you."
I mean, if a lot of us were truly honest with ourselves, we'd have to admit that these signs are pretty spot on.
To me, that's kind of the sad thing about friend zoning (or at least attempting to friend zone) someone—it's not very forthcoming or honest. There's so much game-playing and manipulation that, ironically, trying to do it can actually cost you a friend because it can make it hard for someone to trust you. Anyone who has been friend-zoned before knows exactly what I'm talking about.
But that's not the actual reason why I'm touching on this topic today; I just shared that because if you're doing any of those things to a guy, he probably knows what you are up to. No, I thought it would be important to explore friend zoning because, not a week goes by when a single woman isn't hitting me about with some variation of, "Why God why…when God when?" in reference to where her man is. Then, as we talk about some of the guys who are already in her life—good men, mind you—she flippantly and dismissively says, "Oh…they're just my friends." OK, but my question is WHY are they just a friend?
Your Man Could Be in Your Friend Zone—and You Don’t Even Know It
OK, I'm about to show all of my age by bringing this song up. Are any of you familiar with "Friends and Lovers" by Gloria Loring (fun fact: she's Robin Thicke's mother) and Carl Anderson? They used to play it back in the day on Days of Our Lives when Beau and Hope were trying to figure out what the heck they were doing. Anyway, the hook of the song says "So, I'll be your friend and I'll be your lover/'Cause I know in our hearts we agree/We don't have to be one or the other/We could be both to each other". Now looka here—there is some big time wisdom in that 80s pop song. Let's break it down in sections.
First, they didn't sing I'll be your lover and then your friend. But, unfortunately, that is exactly what a lot of us do. Either we are solely looks driven (check out "Should You Consider Dating Someone You're Not Attracted To?"), and by "looks driven" what I mean is, we have a type and we stick to it as if our lives depended on it (also check out "According To Experts, We All Have A 'Type'" and "Can Having A Type Hold Your Love Life Back?"). Or, we have sex way too soon with someone who we are physically drawn to. If we repeat this patten enough, we think that it's more important for there to be a sexual chemistry than an actual friendship. Not only does that way of thinking set us up to need to read other articles like "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner", it can also program us into believing that an attraction is more important than a connection. I'm not saying you shouldn't have both; you most certainly should. What I am saying is the foundation should be the connection—the friendship. Most people live their lives like it should be the reverse.
Second point. A cute movie that I recently checked out is A Second Chance (Chico Benymon, Jennifer Freeman). It was all about two besties and their journey towards discovering that there were right for each other. A lot of the push back that they—catch this—put themselves through consisted of them thinking that, although they adored each other, liked the same things, could talk about anything, had each other's back and found each other attractive…they were friends and should be nothing more than that. What in the entire world?
I've been a marriage life coach for quite a while now and I'm here to tell you that what causes a lot of people to divorce is that they never really were good friends. Not only that but, what holds a lot of marriages together is, true friendship. "Just friends" can be a horrible way to look at a real connection with someone. If you've got something like what I just described with a man and you both are single, it's at least worth pondering why you don't think you two can be more than that. Why you can't be friends and lovers? In that order too.
Final point. Time is precious. Do you know how many people end up taking the long route, unnecessarily so, when it comes to realizing that they need to take a friend out of their friend zone and explore the possibility of being more than "just friends"? Please hear me when I say that YES, you need to have chemistry with someone and YES, you need to be attracted to them, including sexually. Yet also hear me when I say that NO, you don't have to have drama and challenges for something to qualify as being a relationship and NO, you don't have to rip each other's clothes off before bonding mentally and emotionally. In other words, don't think that just because someone is a good friend that they can't be a great lover too. Ideally, the friendship should come first and if you're not so busy out here "zoning" folks, you will be more open to seeing what else they could be in your life.
Because here's the thing that is also true about male and female relationships—oftentimes, our male friends are drawn to us on some level; they simply don't act on it out of respect to us. This means that they aren't nearly as quick to friend zone us as we are to friend zone them. This means, you may be in your own way when it comes to finding "the one". You may already have—he's a friend of yours.
Some folks belong in the friend zone; no doubt about it. All I'm saying is, if you can't seem to find "him", he might be closer than you think. A man shouldn't be disqualified just because you were friends first or because he's not "your type". If there is some sort of spark, don't be so quick to put it out. The best of lovers are friends first. The best of married couples can certainly vouch for that.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
When He Just Wants To Be Friends, But You Want More....
My Eureka Moment For Why I'm Not Into 'Nice Guys'
What A Man Should Expect If YOU Ask HIM Out
Unpopular Opinion: Men And Women CAN Really Be "Just Friends"
Feature image by Giphy
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- How To Friendzone Someone | Grazia ›
- The friend zone: Why it's not the end of the world | British GQ ›
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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