Americans Are Having Less Sex. Here's How To Avoid Being A Statistic.
OK. Before we dive into this particular topic, let me just say that 1) a lot of this data was citedbefore the pandemic (which means that not having sex because of COVID doesn't really fly here) and 2) if you're someone who's having less sex because you're abstinent by choice, believe me, I get it (check out "I've Been Abstinent For 12 Years. Here's How."). Still, because I am a fan of sex, I write A LOT about sex and I work with couples who should be having sex (also check out "What You Should Do If You Find Yourself In A Sexless Marriage"), when I noticed that there was article after article after article that said Americans are having less sex than they've had in quite some time—not only did it pique my curiosity, I knew that I had to share it with y'all. Because sometimes, it's not until something is specifically brought to our attention, that we'll even notice that it very well could personally apply to what we've currently got going on.
Anyway, some folks are calling this coitus valley a sex recession. Others, a sex depression. Either way, let's explore what in the world is going on—or rather, not going on—in so many bedrooms across the country, so that we can make sure that you don't become a statistic (if you don't wanna be).
Who’s Having Less Sex and Why?
Now, before you assume that the people who are having less sex are your grandparents, let me debunk that myth, right out of the gate. Believe it or not, there is something that's literally known as the 70-year itch. Not only that but a Duke University study revealed that around 20 percent of seniors over the age of 65 said that they are currently having better sex than they ever have in their entire life. Also, according to an AARP study, among those who are between the ages of 45-59, 56 percent said they are gettin' it in at least once a week and 46 percent of those between the ages of 60-70 and 34 percent of people over 70 said the same.
So, who is showin' out on the inaction tip right through here? You might be surprised.
Between June of 2019 and June of 2020, 1 in 3 men between the ages of 18-24 said that, not only had they not had sex during that time, they didn't participate in any sexual activity at all. (Wow.)
Next up. Millennials (those are people who were born between 1981-1996). They are actually the reason why the term "sex recession" was coined. The drop in their sex life went from 62 to 54 times a year, on average.
Then there's married folks. A June 2020 study that was published on The Knot said that 24 percent of the individuals who took part in their survey had sex four times a week before marriage; those same folks dropped down to nine percent after saying "I do", although it should go on record that 62 percent of men and 47 percent of women did wish that they were having sex more often.
So, why aren't these people doing-the-do more often than this? As I dug even deeper, it appears that several factors come into play:
While it would be awesome to put it all on the stress and pressure that come with work demands, guess what? Actually, it's the couples who are the busiest who seem to have sex the most.
Younger folks? It would appear that many are struggling with adulting on a whole 'nother level. In fact, some data says that because so many individuals between the ages of 18-24 are taking longer and longer to live an independent life, it's ultimately taking a toll on their sex life.
I'm not shocked in the least that social media and constant online interaction are doing some real damage. Not only is it causing some people to become overstimulated, many are actually getting used to the idea of solely interacting with other people on their smartphone and laptops instead of engaging in face-to-face interaction. Plus, there are other studies which say that social media can trigger depression-related symptoms, not to mention what always taking in photoshopped and filtered images can do to one's sexual self-confidence.
Don't even get me started on all of the questions I've got about "Americans aren't making enough babies to replace ourselves". It's almost like sex has become so recreational that folks forgot that it is how we populate the earth too (SDMH). Anyway, having less of a desire to have children plays a role in less copulation as well.
For married folks and couples who live together, there's also the sleep divorce thing. This is when couples make the conscious decision to not share the same bed. Some do it because one or both individuals snore. Some do it because they've got different sleep or nighttime patterns overall. Others do it simply to get some "me" time or space. Anyway, it would appear that these are on the rise. While some researchers say it could benefit sex lives overall, other experts think that it is just one more thing that makes sex more…complicated.
And then there's our diet. Aside from how much a lot of us eat sugar, salt and processed foods and all of this can throw our libido way off, 36.5 percent of Americans are considered to be obese while 32.5 percent are considered to be overweight. When we as women fall into this category, it can put our hormones into a tailspin. When men do, it ups their chances for high blood pressure and erectile dysfunction.
Gee. When you take all of this into account, it makes more and more sense why less of us are having sex, doesn't it? At the same time, these stats aren't something that you've got to—pardon the pun—lie down and take. Thankfully, there are some things that you can do to keep this from becoming an issue in your own home.
5 Tips to Keep Your Sex Life Going Strong
1. Be intentional about having more sex. Sex doesn't just happen. We have to make it happen. And to make something happen, there has to be a plan. That's why I find it so fascinating that some people frown upon scheduling sex. Why? You get paid on pay day because you go to work at a certain time. You are able to get a lot of things accomplished because you plan them out to happen at a certain time. Don't let these rom-coms fool you—sex oftentimes needs to have a schedule because there are only so many hours in the day as well. Besides, we typically prioritize what matters to us, so if you want to have a healthy sex life, be intentional about having sex. To do so regularly and consistently, sometimes that requires a sex schedule—and then following through with it.
2. Connect emotionally, not just physically. When sex is just a physical matter, it's pretty easy to have sex with pretty much anyone. Know what else? It's also fairly easy to become bored and feel somewhat of a disconnect, even from the act itself. That's why it's important to make sure that you're doing your part to secure an emotional connection with your partner. Go on dates. Have meaningful conversations. Learn the art of mental foreplay. Cultivate intimacy outside of the bedroom. Laugh together. There are some people I've been in relationships with where, I dug them so much on the mental and emotional tip that sex—including the amount—was never an issue. I was pretty much always down. If you're in a relationship and your sex life is tanking, what's your emotional connection like? The answer to that question can reveal a lot.
3. Unplug more often. There are some studies that say that it's because of social media that cheating is on the rise. Honestly, I think social media addiction is a far bigger relationship culprit because, if you're more interested in what's happening out on these Instagram and Black Twitter streets than what's transpiring in your own life, at the end of the day, that's a problem. And how do you know if you're addict in this area? If checking social media is the first and last thing that you do every day. If you can't turn your notifications off. If you think you would just die without your phone being in your room at night or you can't even imagine going a weekend without being online. If you're neglecting other priorities to be on social media. Sometimes, we don't realize how attached we are to something until we decide to go without it. If you take out this upcoming weekend to "unplug", you might be floored by, not just how much more free time you've got but how much time you have to do…other things. #wink
4. Take care of your health. Feeling lethargic, to the point where sex totally disinterests you, isn't just some random occurrence. It could be your diet ("So, Here's What Your Diet Says About Your Sex Life"). It could be that your sleep patterns are all over the place. It could be that your hormone levels are imbalanced. It could be that you need to exercise. It could even be something that is related to your mental health; something that could benefit from a therapist/counselor/coach working with you to sort it all out. Remember how I mentioned earlier that depression and being overstimulated can play a role in one's libido drop? Sometimes you can't fix those things on your own. Sometimes you need a professional's assistance—and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is knowing that something is beyond your own capacity and not seeking out some reputable help.
5. Talk it out. Finally, talk to your partner; especially if you're in a long-term relationship. While everyone's sex cycles and patterns are different, if you feel like your sexual needs aren't being met, there's a chance that your partner may either sense that to be the case or feel the same way as you do. And here's the thing—one of the absolute best aphrodisiacs is open and honest communication. That's why it's so important to do it. Often.
Less folks are having sex. There's plenty of proof to support this fact. Now you know why and what you can do to prevent that from being a reality that you can personally relate to. Besides, it would be a shame if your grandparents were blowing you out of the water on the sex tip. From the stats that I've seen, it's not as far-fetched as you might think. Crazy, huh? Hmph.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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We Need To Talk About The Current State Of Black Cinema
In the last decade, Black cinema has seen a revival like no other, thanks to writers and directors Jordan Peele, Barry Jenkins, and Ava DuVernay. Through their narratives, we have been enamored with Black stories of normalcy and horror that have captivated audiences and shown exactly what narratives are deserved and desired by Black viewers. Nevertheless, the current state of Black films still has some ways to go, and can easily accomplish the next stage of its reemergence if it considers the genres where representation is still lacking.
For years, Black audience members have been treated like they're secondary, forced to enjoy the experiences of their white counterparts as if they were sidekicks to their journey instead of walking in their shoes.
On the heels of his Oscar win for "Best Screenplay" for the 2023 comedy/drama American Fiction, first-time director Cord Jefferson shared his perspective on the narrow view of Black characters on-screen and why there's a need for diversity in the Black stories we choose to tell in film. "There is an appetite for things that are different and a story with Black characters that’s going to appeal to a lot of people," Cord explained. "[Black films don’t] need to take place on a plantation, they don’t need to take place in the projects. It doesn’t need to have drug dealers in it and doesn’t need to have gang members in it. There’s an audience and market for depictions of Black life that are as broad and as deep as any other depictions of people’s lives."
Now, as Black cinema continues to grow, they must challenge themselves to create tales that reflect the Black experience beyond the narratives of racism, slavery, and segregation. Instead of creating more window-filled films, where we must peek into the lives of others in hopes of seeing ourselves, it is imperative the new films provide mirrors for Black audiences to finally see themselves as worthy of romance, levity, fantasy, action, and time.
The art we create must challenge Black cinema as they know it to create the Black movies that should have always been. Here's how:
Black Cinema Needs More Romance and Romantic Comedies
Black cinema deserves whirlwind romances with tenderness, complexity, kindness, erraticness, playfulness, and compassion.
Instead of being the second-hand side quest to a tale filled with hardship and misery, Black romantic stories should be placed center stage with intentionality and eloquent execution. It is important that Black romantic comedies be recreated with the same gusto they did in the early 2000s for white romantic comedies, with narratives that are better than the ones we idealize today. In these new narratives, Black romance must show that Black men can be whole and Black women can be easy to love. It is also essential to show that love can be held by same-sex couples.
In Black films, our love needs levity. It needs warmth. It needs nurture, and it needs to come in abundance so that we have examples of more than one way to love. Because at this moment, the only narrative we have been given on Black love comes from that of sadness and grief. Love that requires one or both parties be broken and bruised and bleeding all over the other to the point that hate and self-loathing breed a love like one has never known. This narrative is overplayed, and even more so, it is cruel in creating a falsehood that everything black must be birthed from sorrow.
Take Love & Basketball, the romance/drama, for example, which many consider to be the pinnacle of Black love. I don't need to tell you why because there are a thousand and one comments and videos on how everyone tries to defend this romance. Instead, I’ll tell you why it is not. Their romance is toxic. Simple as that. It’s cultural and controversial, so I won’t go too much into detail, and if I need to, we can have a separate article for that. But the relationship is toxic, and there are moments when both Monica and Q are giving nothing, but expecting everything.
Omar Epps and Sanaa Lathan in 'Love & Basketball'
They never truly learn how to love one another properly and justify their bad examples of love on what they experienced in the past (read "generational trauma"). Though that could be the reason, it did not justify the ultimate outcome. And though some of us might have felt seen by a story like this, especially in our own imperfect love and dating experiences, the Black experience is not a monolith, and it does not represent the healthy love we now seek to cultivate in our lives.
Plus, with such an emphasis placed on films that are dramas, there is a focus on the struggle, whether it be life or love. Paving the way to see ourselves in more films as romantic leads that offer levity, like a romantic comedy, is a welcomed change to the moving and culturally impactful stories we see. When we think of Black romantic comedies of yesteryear, actresses like Queen Latifah and even Gabrielle Union come to mind, but since the early 2000s, we haven't seen nearly as much traction in the world of romantic comedies overall, but especially ones that feature Black leads with Black love interests.
When Black romance stories are made, love should be given to the characters as a gift, not a sentencing. It should unravel beautifully, and the characters and their romance should be cherished. Their love should be watered, tended, and filled with so much beauty the gods themselves cry.
Kofi Siriboe and Jade Eshete in 'Really Love'
Netflix
Black Cinema Needs More Sci-Fi and Fantasy
In the last three decades, we have seen films about a boy who flew across the sky because of the alien he carried in his bicycle basket, objects that have come to life to tell children stories, vampires who glitter in the sun, and children who can visit a magical world by running through brick walls. Yet, you’re still telling me that our imaginations cannot expand far enough to see all this done with characters who are Black? Ridiculous. Pure absurdity. There needs to be more moments of wonderment and amazement in Black cinema.
There needs to be realms that children and adults can escape into when the reality of institutions becomes too much to bear or rationalize. We shouldn’t be thankful that white stories change characters into Black ones so that we can travel along and hope to experience the same sense of wonder as our white counterparts.
Instead, we should have stories that were made for Black characters to travel freely and happily escape the challenges faced in our society. We need realms where we fit perfectly in and can be just as magical and enchanting as we’ve always been.
Black Cinema Needs More Action and Thrillers
Last year, the Times wrote an article focusing on the influence of Richard Rountree's Shaft on the Black action hero narrative. In this article, the writer listed eight movies that were essential to watch that held Black leads as action heroes. Unfortunately, the majority of these movies listed came from the 1900s, with very few films featuring Black action leads in the 2000s or later.
Recently, Amazon Prime released their version ofMr. and Mrs. Smith, where Donald Glover has the chance of being the infamous spy that stole our hearts in 2005. In this, he is the same, charismatic character that he always portrays, with a little more action and thrill than we have associated with him before. Although the show has its flaws, Glover as an action hero makes for an entertaining watch and an interesting take on what it would mean to be a Black spy during moments where blending in in white spaces is essential.
Donald Glover starring in 'Mr. & Mrs. Smith' (2024)
Prime Video
On the other hand, we have Michael B. Jordan, who finds himself in action and thrillers where he is either the villain (Black Panther), anti-hero(Creed), or reluctant, and controversial savior (Without Remorse). In his films, he shows how Black characters can be both the hero and the villain simultaneously based on circumstances and unfortunate interactions with institutions that he has sworn to protect and have sworn to protect him. And of course, we cannot forget about the action films Samuel L. Jackson has starred in, including a revival of the aforementioned Shaft in the 2000s.
However, despite the list of Black actors above, the film industry still lacks tremendously in the Black action protagonist department. Despite its need, we rarely see Black actors allotted the opportunity to run from exploding buildings like Tom Cruise in any Mission Impossible film or the ability to hunt down the kidnappers of various Black girls taken from their father's home, as Liam Neeson does in Taken.
To enhance Black cinema, the industry needs to consider making Black characters the hero of their own stories, and for their own people. These action films must be just as outlandish and enticing as the action films made before, without a greater chance of a happy ending and outcome. Now that the action and thriller genre is looking for a revival, it is wise to consider using Black people as the heroes they've always been and rarely recognized as.
Black Cinema Needs More Black Period Pieces (outside of slavery and segregation)
The last thing we need is another damn story rotted in our nation’s mistreatment of Black people. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that these stories are not important. I am just saying it is the last damn thing that we need. Why? Because we already have 101 Dalmatians worth of these, and we don’t need more. If you want a period piece on slavery and segregation, watch 12 Years a Slave or Harriet, or Birth of a Nation, or Emancipation, or Antebellum, or Hidden Figures, or Freedom, or Remember the Titans, or Emperor, or….you get the point. There are plenty of movies about Black people and our centuries’ worth of hardship.
However, our stories are more than this, and there are moments in history that I believe fiction writers can integrate Black people and their experiences without making slavery and segregation stand in the forefront; think series likeBridgertonor Queen Charlotte.
India Ria Amarteifio as Queen Charlotte in 'Queeen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story'
Netflix
Hell, take Lovecraft Country, for example. This story acknowledged racism, segregation, and mistreatment of Black people. However, the narratives given to the characters in this period piece were so complex and intricate, that the last thing they worried about was racism itself. In a world where monsters are rooted at every corner, the societal pressures of segregation are in the back of their minds.
Though they still dealt with moments relating to racism, their character’s experiences weren’t based only on it. The only time it was was when they were around white characters, and outside of it, they were well-rounded characters who experienced life as it was, most importantly outside of the box society tries to fit them in. This needs to happen, again. I want stories where Black people speak in modern English, walking around their big ass gardens in dolly, vintage, and cottage-core dresses, and pleated pants with suspenders.
We need stories in history where Black people can exist outside of the white historical lens.
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