6 Signs A New "Friend" Is Nothing But An Opportunist
Oh, the amount of "What the heck was that?!" I could've been spared if I had read an article like this, oh, I'd say about 15 years ago. I'm telling you, the older I get, the more cautious I am about using the word "friend", no matter how popular social media has made it. It can't be said enough that just because you and someone may vibe or have certain things in common, that doesn't automatically make them your friend.
Acquaintance? Sure. Cool associate? Possibly. But the amount of effort, commitment and consistency that goes into cultivating a friendship? It's kind of like the difference between a great first date and your husband—there's a lot of work that's required to get from one point to another.
An opportunist? They are banking that you don't have enough insight or boundaries (more on that in a bit) to know what true friendship looks like and/or requires. They think that so long as they turn on the charm and compliments, you'll let down your guard and welcome them into all areas of your life—resources and connections included. If they have to act like your new BFF in order to make it happen, so be it. So long as they get what they need from you, that's all that really matters.
Scary, huh? And just how can you know if someone who has recently come into your world is an opportunist (wolf) in friend's (sheep's) clothing?
6 Signs Your New Friend Is Actually An Opportunist
1.From Day One, They Are Oozing with Flattery
GiphyThere's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "He who speaks flattery to his friends, even the eyes of his children will fail." (Job 17:5—NKJV) That's how little even the Word thinks of flattery—and flatterers. I get why too because while on the surface, a flatterer's compliments may sound good, they usually come with an ulterior motive intact. People who flatter others are not doing it purely for affirmation's sake. Matter of fact, many times, they don't even really believe that they're saying. They're just telling you that you're attractive, brilliant or impressive so that they can fuel your ego, disarm your discernment and ultimately take advantage of you.
An example of flattery that comes to mind is a man you just meet who is dripping with comments about how good you look. Then when you don't return his advances, he says something insulting. Flatterers of all forms are a lot like this. If they can manipulate you into getting whatever it is that they want, there are plenty of affirmations coming your way. If you're not goin' for it, the same mouth they used to "praise" you will be the same one they use to tear you down and gossip about you with.
2.They Wouldn’t Know a Boundary If It Hit Them in the Face
GiphySomething that gets on my nerves about opportunists is they are pushy as all get out. They'll find out you know someone they would be interested in meeting or that you've got access to an opportunity that they want to be a part of and either they keep dropping hints about it or they won't let up on asking you if you can "hook them up", almost as if, just because you are cool with them, they are entitled and you automatically should.
Pushy people like this are not go-getters; they are aggressive and disrespectful of your boundaries. Hmph. Come to think of it, one way to really tell the difference between a friend and an opportunist is a friend is all about honoring your boundaries while an opportunist barely even acknowledges that you have any. I'll take it up a notch—opportunists so don't care about your limits that when you express them, on any level, they try and make you feel guilty or like you're the bad guy for doing so.
3.They’re Constantly Asking for Things While Offering Nothing
On the heels of the point I just made, while we shouldn't keep tabs on what people do for us, when it comes to our real friends, we don't have to. That's because the give-and-take cycle is so consistent that it's hard to even keep up. But an opportunist? If you feel like a person in your life is draining you and is always on the receiving end, that's because that's probably exactly what is going on.
There is someone who used to be in my life who, when I sat and thought about how much money I had spent on them over the course of knowing them, it was well into the thousands. Over that same period of time, I got a box of lip gloss that they lost and a ring that cost five dollars. Hey, I was codependent back then, so I'll own some of that. But I also have to admit that while we had some good times, when I think of all of the ways they benefitted from my resources—both personally as well as professionally—I also know, for a fact, that they were a total opportunist.
4.Both Online and Off, They Are Trying to Infiltrate Your Circle
Back to the flattery thing, I know they (whoever "they" are) say that imitation is the highest form of flattery but all it does is irritate me. I want you to do you while I stand over here and do me. That's why I don't find it complementary that when someone gets in good with me, they suddenly feel like they should buddy up with the people in my life.
There's one chick I know that I had to release for this very reason. The moment she found out I was friends or even close acquaintances with someone that she thought could benefit her, she would try and befriend them, send them DM's with questions (including questions about me) or, if we happened to be out together and we saw someone that I knew, she would try and find a way to get their contact info. It got to the point where some people were even asking me, "Yo, what's up with your girl?"
That's the thing about opportunists. It's not good enough that they drain your resources; they want to tap out all of the ones attached to the people you know as well.
5.You Feel Like They Are “Forcing” the Friendship
You don't have to take my advice, but don't say I didn't warn you. Watch out for the person who declares after one conversation that the two of you are going to be really good friends. While the initial sentiment might sound sweet 'n all, my best friendships happened organically and definitely without any kind of agenda—spoken or unspoken.
Agenda. That's a great word to describe what an opportunist is typically up to. The fact that getting close to you is a mission rather than something that naturally happens is another sign that you should probably keep your guard up, if not totally keep your distance.
6.Something Feels “Off” About It All
If there's a silver lining about an opportunist, it's that they are definitely ambitious. But when you're trying to cultivate a true, meaningful and lasting friendship with someone, you don't always want to be around that kind of energy. You don't always want to talk about networking, resources you have available or what you can do to get someone to the next level. An opportunist is just the opposite when it comes to this way of thinking because, chances are, the main reason why they want to get close to you at all is because of what they think you can do for them. Take it a step further, the main reason why they think you should be in their life is to help get them to where they want to go.
Most of my friends, they are highly accomplished in their own right; they really are. But whenever we get together, most of what we talk about has absolutely nothing to do with work. Matter of fact, it's like watching a rerun of Seinfeld or The Office because although we're entertaining to one another, we're not really discussing much of anything consequential. We're just loving being in each other's space.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Keeping what I just said in mind, if a new person in your life seems OK, but you always feel like you are "on the clock" with them or "peace" and "chill" are not two words that you are ever able to associate with them and, if the more you read this article, something definitely feels a little off, don't doubt your spidey sense. It doesn't feel right because it probably isn't right.
Not to say that an opportunist has to be totally kicked to the curb. All I'm saying is 1) do some serious pondering and evaluating before classifying them as a "friend" and 2) be alright with possibly placing them into the "work associate" or "acquaintance" category only. Either way, create some boundaries so that they are not the only ones getting something out of the relationship.
What this all boils down to is I'm not saying that opportunists are the devil; with the right approach and clarity, they can be beneficial at times. I'm just saying that when it comes to your friendships, if there's a word that should never been synonymous with that kind of situation, it's "opportunist".
Please don't learn this the hard way.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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