If conflict happens in your friendship, are you the friend who confronts the issue head-on or secretly wishes it resolves itself? Hopefully, you chose the first option. Hear me out: your friendship needs confrontation.
Your tribe is one of the best reflections of you. They are the friends with whom you choose to "do life with," the ultimate chosen family.
Your friends are your cheerleaders, strength, or, my favorite, our "Atticus Finch" when necessary. But true friendships aren't always smooth sailing. Conflict arises, and confrontation is needed.
Confrontation is a crucial aspect that can strengthen the bond between friends, even if the idea of it might make us uncomfortable. It is simply a growing pain.
I have learned that confrontation separates communicators from non-communicators and the emotionally mature from the emotionally immature.
Takisha Brooks
Courtesy
"When it comes to confrontation, people view it as a situation where someone has to leave hurt and underneath [or at the bottom]," said Takisha Brooks, MSMFT, LMFT-A.
"Confrontation is about coming together to address what happened and determine the next steps for our friendship. You don't want to get stuck on 'my way versus your way.'"
She also noted that confrontation only works if you know how to communicate and listen effectively.
Brooks is an Associate Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Chicago who loves working with couples. She focuses on communication, intimacy, parenting, and friendships.
Outside the office, Brooks facilitates marriage retreats and seminars for couples and is a part-time content creator.
The Common Misconception of Confrontation
When people hear "confrontation," they often think of arguments, raised voices, hurt feelings, or worse...a Miami Girls' Trip (the epitome of confrontation). This negative stigma makes many fear it will harm their friendship rather than help it.
"The biggest misconception about confrontation is that every time we have a disagreement, and we don't agree on everything, then we don't go forward.
It feels like when you have a confrontation, it will be the last conversation we will have with this person," Brooks explained.
"Confrontation isn't the end. Instead, you're going to address and acknowledge the elephant standing between you and me," she added.
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Furthermore, people associate confrontation with conflict, but they are not the same. Conflict implies a serious disagreement that can lead to a rift, while confrontation is simply addressing an issue directly to find a resolution.
"There's a connection between the two, but they are not the same," Brooks revealed.
"Confrontation makes it scarier because you're going to take action. You can have conflict without taking any sort of action. It will sit there, but that's not the case if you confront what's happening," she continued.
Understanding this distinction is essential for appreciating the role of confrontation in friendship.
Why Healthy Confrontation is Good for Your Friendship
Brooks shared that "healthy confrontation" is good and necessary for friendship because it opens up lines of communication.
It allows friends to express their feelings and needs honestly. Addressing issues head-on shows respect for the friendship and a desire to improve it.
Confrontation also strengthens a friendship by building trust and showing that you value the relationship enough to work through difficulties together.
"Healthy confrontation solidifies the reality that I can trust this person...a friend...that I am doing life with compared to a moment or a season," she said.
Additionally, confrontation helps with boundaries or "safety nets," as Brooks put it.
The Negative Impact of Avoiding Confrontation
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Avoiding confrontation can negatively impact your friendship. When you don't address issues, it can lead to a buildup of resentment and frustration.
This can create a wedge between friends, causing them to drift apart. Minor annoyances can snowball into bigger problems if not dealt with early on. Not to mention, are you truly friends if you can't talk about your issues?
"The more you avoid having hard conversations, the less you can actually enjoy being in the friendship. You will not be able to enjoy that friendship to its full potential, and it will end prematurely," stated Brooks.
"Furthermore, if you have difficulty confronting issues, you must find their voice and understand the difference between being assertive and aggressive," she advised. "You can do it respectfully."
She advised choosing the right time and place, making sure both parties are calm and ready to talk, and lastly, having the conversation.
Confrontation is not about fighting; it's about communicating. It's a necessary part of any healthy friendship. By addressing issues directly, friends can clear the air, better understand each other, and grow closer.
It's about creating a space where both parties feel heard and valued.
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These are qualities that Brandee embodies both on and off the screen.
(L-R) Marque Richardson and Brandee Evans on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
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"When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no."
(L-R) Brandee Evans, Kerry Washington, and Marque Richardson on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
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And she pays it forward.
Brandee Evans
Courtesy: Hulu
But her commitment to supporting others extends far beyond her career. As an advocate for health and wellness, she empowers women to prioritize their well-being. “Azaria [Carter], who plays my daughter on P-Valley, mentioned wanting to start a weight loss journey and get more fit. I told her, ‘Well, let’s work out together,’” Brandee recounted. But her dedication to healthy living goes beyond physical fitness, encompassing a holistic approach to wellness. “When she came to my house and tried to microwave something in plastic, I said, ‘Let’s use glass instead. At 20, I wasn’t thinking about that, but let me share some tips now so you’re not battling fibroids in your 30s.’”
Because she was.
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"I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal."
Brandee Evans graces the 2024 ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood Awards Ceremony.
Arnold Turner/Getty Images for ESSENCE
The statistics are staggering—80% of Black women develop abnormal uterine growths by age 50, making them more likely to suffer from fibroids than any other racial group. But like many, Brandee was initially unaware of these growths and their debilitating effects, and the prospect of surgery was daunting. “I was scheduled to have a myomectomy on my birthday, but I thought about what it would mean for my career. How am I going to climb the pole? The healing process is similar to a C-section.” Determined to avoid surgery, she committed to healing herself naturally.
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Emerging on the other side of this journey not only fibroid-free but with a regulated cycle and a renewed outlook on life, Brandee is now focused on sharing her story and advocating for women’s health. “I know y’all want to hear about P-Valley, but I want to talk about regulating your period,” she said with a laugh.
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Featured image courtesy of Hulu
Over three years, I paid off a total of $46,217.24—eight credit cards, one personal loan, and a pesky bill from the dentist. It wasn’t just a financial accomplishment but a personal victory that taught me invaluable lessons about perseverance, sacrifice, and financial discipline. This journey wasn’t easy—it was filled with setbacks, emotional roadblocks, and countless hours of hard work.
The truth about money is that it’s more of a mental game than anything. You have to believe you deserve better and that you’re capable of living a life that others only dream about. Then, you have to put in the work to bring that dream to fruition.
Here’s how I paid off my debt and five essential takeaways that can help you on your path to becoming debt-free.
Takeaway 1: Start Small, but Start
My journey began in October 2017 when I was living in a tiny bedroom in Los Angeles, sharing a house with six strangers. Despite juggling multiple jobs, including freelance writing and catering, I found myself drowning financially. I had tried to get out of debt before, but without a clear strategy, I never made much progress. That’s when I discovered Dave Ramsey’s The Total Money Makeover, which introduced me to the concept of “baby steps.” I quickly saved $1,000 and began paying off my debts from smallest to largest. The progress felt encouraging, but the reality of my situation would soon hit hard.
One of the most significant challenges in tackling debt is simply getting started. Begin with small steps, like saving an emergency fund or paying off the smallest debt first. The momentum you build from these small victories will keep you motivated as you tackle larger debts.
mapodile/Getty ImagesTakeaway 2: Prepare for Setbacks
As the winter season approached in Los Angeles, my catering gigs dried up, leaving me financially vulnerable. I worked through the holidays, sacrificing time with family to earn extra money. But by January, after multiple job rejections and no income in one of the most expensive cities in the U.S., I decided to move back to Atlanta. The transition wasn’t easy—months of unemployment, draining my savings, and relying on the generosity of my grandparents took an emotional toll. Despite these challenges, I remained focused on my goal.
Life is unpredictable, and setbacks are inevitable. Whether it’s an unexpected job loss, a medical emergency, or a family crisis, having a plan to navigate these challenges is crucial. Build a safety net that can help you stay on track even when things don’t go as planned.
Takeaway 3: Sacrifice for Your Future Self
In July 2018, I resumed my debt-free journey with renewed determination. I took on side hustles like Uber Eats and freelance work in addition to my 9-to-5 job to increase my income. I drastically cut my expenses, forgoing luxuries like hair and nail appointments, dining out, and vacations. Every extra dollar went toward my debt.
By 2019, I sold my leased car to eliminate the burden of car payments, insurance, and gas. At the time, I lived within walking distance of my job and was in a walkable part of the city, so while it wasn’t optimal, it wasn’t a huge inconvenience to not have transportation. The journey was long, and at times, I felt isolated, especially when friends and family continued living lives that seemed carefree in comparison. But one thing I learned was that a lot of people can’t truly afford the lifestyle they share on social media. I often had to remind myself that short-term fun wasn’t worth long-term strain.
Paying off debt requires sacrifices. Whether it’s cutting back on dining out, skipping vacations, or taking on extra work, these sacrifices are temporary. The freedom you gain from being debt-free is worth far more than the short-term pleasures you might give up while on your journey.
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Takeaway 4: Focus on Your "Why"
As I paid off more debt, I faced emotional exhaustion. I lived in a noisy apartment that made it hard to sleep, couldn’t afford to move, and felt the strain of watching others enjoy luxuries I couldn’t.
However, I reminded myself that my sacrifices were paving the way for a better future. I wanted a life where I could buy things and go places without worrying about a bill waiting for me when the dust settled. I wanted to have the freedom to do work that I cared about without worrying about how quickly the money would come back to me. I wanted to be in the position to take care of my mom and grandparents—pay off their homes and ensure they have the best care so that they could actually enjoy their later years.
I wanted to build wealth for myself and my future family so that one day my kids could live a life and choose careers that they really wanted, not just random jobs for a paycheck. I wanted to be able to give and invest without wondering how I was going to be able to provide for myself, to support my church, my people, and my community.
In short, I wanted to live a life that many people never lived, and I didn’t want to wait until I was near my 70s and retired to live it.
When the journey gets tough, and it will, remind yourself why you started. Whether it’s to provide a better future for your family, achieve financial independence, or live a life free from the stress of debt, keep your “why” front and center. It will help you stay committed even when the road seems never-ending.
Takeaway 5: Celebrate Your Wins
In the last six months of my journey, I allowed myself to enjoy some small luxuries again, like moving into a better apartment and taking a couple of trips—paid in cash, of course. While I might have paid off my debt sooner without these indulgences, they were essential for maintaining my mental health. On July 15, 2020, I made my final payment and crossed the finish line as a debt-free champion.
As you make progress, don’t forget to celebrate your wins, big or small. Whether it’s paying off a credit card, saving an emergency fund, or finally becoming debt-free, acknowledging your achievements is important. It reinforces your progress and keeps you motivated for the next goal.
Paying off $46,000 in debt was one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences of my life. The journey taught me discipline, resilience, and the importance of staying focused on my long-term goals.
Recently, I was asked for my advice to someone who is on a similar journey. My answer: Stay prayed up. Stay focused. Surround yourself with people who support you and don’t drain you. And if you don’t have anyone, find them in other communities—your church, Facebook groups, YouTube, etc. Know that you’re not alone on your journey. And when times really get hard, remember why you started. You’ll be grateful that you didn’t quit once you’re on the other side.
Want to read more about my debt-free journey? Check out the original post on Write On Kiah for the full story and share your own experience in the comments!
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