Before Getting Divorced, Consider Separating First.
If you've read, oh, I'd say seven or so articles that I've written on this site about marriage, I'm pretty sure you know that I am a marriage life coach. You might've also caught that my specialty is reconciling divorces. There are many reasons why. From a biblical standard, divorce isn't really something that God rallies behind (Malachi 2:16, Matthew 19:1-12, I Corinthians 7:10-11). Another reason why is, while I've never been married before (which also means that I've never been divorced either), I am a child of divorce, twice, and believe you me, children feel the effects of a broken home—no matter how much parents may want to tell themselves otherwise. Then there's the fact that marriage isn't some upgraded boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that so many people seem to act like it is. Vows were taken. Promises were made. And, if we're gonna be real about it, contracts were signed.
When you choose to get a marriage license, you've decided to make your relationship a legally binding union. In short, marriage is sacred. It's super serious too.
For those of you who are reading this who may already be divorced, this isn't to make you feel bad because, Lord, if there's something else that marriage tends to be, it's complicated. However, since I know that a lot of people are quick to jump the gun and call things "quits", only to later on regret their decision (check out "What Some People Regret About Their Divorce"), if you're someone who is really struggling in your marriage right now and the d-word has come up, more than a couple of times, I thought it would be a good idea to put on record that there is some space between being married and getting a divorce. It's called getting separated. And you know what? If you approach it from a proactive space, believe it or not, it could actually help your relationship in the long run. Here's how.
See Separating As a Way to Help Your Marriage. Not As a Vacation from It.
It's interesting because, whenever I write articles like "What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?" and "So, What If You're Not Attracted To Your Husband Anymore?", there are a ton of people who read those. Off top, that lets me know that many people are really being tested in their marriage, even as we speak. That said, some of y'all might've seen the Black indie movieSecrets before. The married couple in the film got married young, the husband cheated, the wife was stressful and they ended up separating—for them, that season included seeing other people.
Yeah, that's not healthy. For one thing, separated or not, you are still married. Secondly, if anything looks like a rebound relationship, it's a married person who is seeing someone else while their marriage is in trouble. And third, separation should never translate into, "Goodie. Now I get to be out here, doing whatever I want." No, separating should be about giving you and your partner time and space to ponder what's going on in your relationship, how things went off of the rails and what you need in order to bring things back together. Sometimes it's hard to do that when you're constantly sharing the same space and getting on each other's last nerve. Yet when you separate with the mutual understanding that you're taking the time apart to see how to make your marriage better, that could actually be a good thing. Which brings me to the next point.
Be Open to Therapy (Separately and Together)
If you're single, reading this and you already know that you are a prideful person who is never willing to admit that you are just as human as anyone else which means that you've got flaws and can stand to grow, you DO NOT need to get married. After working well over a decade with couples, if there's one thing that I think a lot of them didn't go into their marriage prepared for, it was their spouse being able to hold up a huge symbolic mirror—one that reveals just how much they could stand to evolve and mature as an individual. In fact, let me tell it, that's why a lot of people end their marriage; when it gets too hard for them to have to see themselves, they move on in hopes of finding another person who will not challenge them to become a better person, quite like their former spouse did (layers, chile).
Here's the thing about that, though. Ever heard the saying, "Everywhere you go, there you are"? I believe that's why, the more times that people get married, the higher their chance for getting a divorce is (it's 60 percent for second marriages and a whopping 73 percent for third ones). And that's why I think it's oh so very important to use a time of separation to really focus on yourself. What could you have done better or differently? What was your understanding of marriage vs. what you are currently living out? What could you do to improve things?
In order to really get honest with yourself about stuff like this, more times than not, it's best to go to therapy (or a counselor or relationship life coach) alone at first—just so that you can really "get back to you". Then, after a couple of months, consider going to couple's therapy as well. I'm telling y'all, it really is tragic, just how many marriages could've been saved if this step had not been overlooked. Listen, I'm not guaranteeing that therapy will prevent a divorce; what I am saying is that it absolutely cannot hurt it. Or you. Ever.
Get Back to Your Friendship
All of the couples that I work with know that one of my most popular mottos is, "If you're still 'in like' with one another, I am confident that you can get back to being 'in love' again." The reason why I say this is because every marriage has seasons (both in and outside of the bedroom)—you know, times when a husband and wife can't get enough of each other and then other times when they close to can't stand each other. The ones who survive those moments tend to have two things in common—a relationship with God and a strong friendship.
I say it often because it's the truth. It really is crazy how much people are willing to endure in a friendship that they would've never consider in a marriage. Yet it's hard to remain committed to someone who you don't see as a true friend, isn't it? In the articles, "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships" and "Self BFF: 7 Signs You're Your Own Best Friend", I outline some signs of what it means to have a healthy friendship. See how those traits line up with the relationship you have with your spouse. Sometimes, focusing on finances, kids and daily stressors causes us to forget foundational truths; ones like, if you are friends with your partner, you really can get through, just about anything. Matter of fact, if there's one thing that a lot of divorced people have told me was the last straw in their marriage, it was that they didn't feel like they were friends with their spouse anymore. Being friends with your spouse is a superpower that doesn't get nearly enough credit.
Understand That Divorce Isn’t Necessarily a “Solution” to Anything
I've had my fair share of boyfriends in my day. I have vowed to myself to never have one again, though (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). A big part of the reason why is because, it has been both my experience as well as my personal observation that, getting into these kinds of relationships where you act like you're married when you absolutely aren't does nothing more than prepare you for divorce. Think about it. If you've profoundly loved five men before, you put your entire mind, body and soul into all five and then broke up—what's to make you not see divorce as being that big of a deal if you are the same way with your husband? That point is for the single people.
For married folks, breaking a contract rarely makes life any better, no matter what the contract may be. Oftentimes, it simply makes life way more complicated and difficult. While I get that in some extreme cases, there may seem like there's no other option, really think long and hard about ending your marriage simply because "I don't feel the same anymore". Divorce affects credit. Divorce affects how your children see relationships (present and future) and, in some ways, the world, in general. Divorce affects things like mental health too.
Bottom line, seeing divorce as a solution to your marital problems can be quite the gamble. Don't approach it like you did your break-ups. Divorce is far more consequential than that.
Know What You REQUIRE for Reconciliation
Depending on the state that you live in, before getting a divorce, you may have to separate regardless. Y'all that "rule" doesn't exist just so that you can kick it in these streets. The intent is that the time apart will give you both some space to process, heal and hopefully reconcile. That said, while I try and do all that I can to prevent couples from divorcing, one thing that I do tend to be a semi-fan of is separation—meaning, I'm in support of it when things seem so stressful or counterproductive that trying to work together to save the relationship isn't really benefitting anyone.
Still, separating doesn't make you single. AGAIN, YOU ARE STILL MARRIED. The time apart shouldn't be about "doing your own thing" or finding someone new. It really needs to be about figuring out what went wrong, how to set things right, and what you would require in order for that to happen.
You know, I once read that 50 percent of couples that separate end up getting back together. It doesn't just up and happen, though. Real self-work is required. In other words, while separating may be about getting some space in your marriage, it's not to be treated like some sort of single's vacation. It really needs to be about making sure you both have done all that you can to make your relationship work. It needs to be about figuring out what you're willing to do and also what you would require in order to reconcile. Reconcile is a pretty dope word too. It means "to bring into agreement or harmony; make compatible or consistent".
Be Realistic
I really do hate what Disney and rom-coms have done to people. So many folks are out here thinking that if marriage doesn't look like some filtered fairy tale then it must be an absolute nightmare. Marriage is about having someone in your life who will hold you down, no matter what. Marriage is about figuring out what you and your partner's strengths and weaknesses are, so that you can come together as a unit and make each other better. Marriage is a covenant relationship too and covenants are about agreeing to come together, mind, body, and soul, to build a life together—until death parts you. Making this kind of decision is definitely not easy (not by a long shot). But if you're willing to stick it out, it really can be super rewarding.
It's all about approaching marriage from a realistic point of view. It's about accepting that you've got baggage and your spouse has baggage. You've got issues and your spouse has issues. You're not perfect and your spouse isn't either. And sometimes, the weight of all of that requires taking some time apart, just to catch your breath. Yet if during that time, you're being real and honest about what you need, you're willing to forgive your spouse (as well as yourself) for things that cannot be changed, you are open to getting back to the foundation of the relationship (friendship) and doing things that made you fall for one another in the first place (like casual dates)—you could come back together in a more realistic space and being realistic about life—including marriage—is always beneficial.
We live in a world where folks are quick to quit—this includes quit on each other. Please try and see separation as an option before divorce, OK? I've worked with many couples where, approaching it from the space that I just shared, it actually saved their marriage. Took it to another level too. And I want the same for you. Divorce is a lot. Try separating first. Chances are, you absolutely won't regret it. I mean that.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Listen, when you live in Music City like I do, one way or another, you’re gonna find yourself involved in the music industry, even if it’s just by way of association. However, because I grew up in a music industry home and I got my start as an entertainment writer, the amount of stuff that I learned about artists — lawd.
Take a particular artist, who will remain nameless and who, to this day, is one of the most condescending and patronizing individuals I have ever met. One day, as someone who used to work with them was cosigning on that very point, they brought up an example that is perfect for the direction of today’s piece.
Them: “She was always trying to talk about how young people only have sex on their minds, and she would pray for their obsession with it. When we all told her to be quiet because she basically got married at 12, she shut up real quick.”
I bet she did. It’s real easy to “not understand” what you personally don’t have to deal with. Yeah, I wonder if she had waited until even 25 to get married if she would be preaching the same sermon about sexual sobriety. Ah, and sermon. Yeah, that’s a nice segue, too, because if there is another place that is notorious for being in the pulpit about sexual promiscuity while ironically encouraging singles to be consumed, if not obsessed, with finding a spouse, it’s the Church — well, many churches.
Where am I going with all of this? I ain’t got no lies for you. The Good Book says that the truth is what sets us free (John 8:31-32), and there’s no time like the present to tackle something that is quite relationally rampant and yet, interestingly enough, doesn’t get addressed nearly enough: emophilia.
Never Heard of Emophilia Before? Chile, I’m Not Surprised.
GiphyBack when I was in college, I went to school with someone who was always talking about getting married and who God told her was her husband. Looking back, it’s kind of comical (and sad…yes, both at the same time) to think about just how many men she claimed that was. It’s also kind of buck that, all these years later, she’s had multiple husbands (and yes, she put “God on them” every single time) while enjoying taking digs around the fact that, according to her, my body count is much higher than hers (I’m currently sitting at 14; I never asked what hers was).
Yep, even though it’s been years since I’ve “added a notch” and although she’s had three husbands while I’ve had none, she still thinks that my sexual partners are “worse” than her many husbands. Nevermind the fact that (since she’s bringing God all up in it) Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and, well, I’ll let y’all read I Corinthians 7:10-11 (as far as remarriage goes) — I’ve been more promiscuous, and so she will always find that to be far worse.
Is it, though? Or do a lot of people just not know that, similar to how porn isn’t just about sex because it can also mean an excessive amount of something, promiscuous can also mean “consisting of a number of dissimilar parts or elements mingled in a confused or indiscriminate manner” — and that’s why emophilia is a thing. And just what does it mean exactly? EMOTIONAL PROMISCUITY.
To me, this isn’t anything new (although I used to use a different word for promiscuity here; that’s another message for another time). When you grow up in Church culture, if you’re truly paying attention, you notice that emotional promiscuity is a fever pitch in many congregations. It’s like folks want to get married so badly (or have been programmed to think that they should) that “this guy…no, this guy…oh, my bad, THIS GUY is my husband” — and you’re so used to hearing people say it that you kind of go numb (or at least, develop a deaf ear).
And when you sit and watch how a lot of prophesying (or is it prophe-lying?) plays out, folks approached marriage like their spouse was an ingredient or something — just add a man as you stir him into your fantasy of a long-term relationship — and so they weren’t really prepared for what marriage required. Why? Because they didn’t really love the person; it was more like they were in love with falling in love. And because of that, their marriage became hell, and as a result, they try to go all Flip Wilson (the real ones know) on it with some “the devil made me do it”…when it was more like one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Hell is truth seen too late.” (Thomas Hobbes)
Goodness. Just imagine how much drama and/or pain could’ve been spared if folks were introduced to emophilia — again, emotional promiscuity — as soon as they were taught sexual promiscuity, especially since, again, one definition of promiscuity is putting parts together without any type of order or in a way that causes nothing but chaos and confusion (and won’t that preach)?
Okay, so is emophilia the same thing as being a love addict? Great question. Actually, they’re very similar, although a love addict has a tendency to become very fixated on a person to the point where all of those songs about not being able to breathe or live with someone make all of the sense in the world in their eyes. Love addicts also are the type of people who feel like they don’t have much value unless they are in a relationship.
Emophilia comes from a different angle. These are people who, as one mental health expert put it, like the feeling of falling in love (more on that in a sec) and, because they enjoy the “hit” of it so much, 1) they can think that they met “the one” after just one date; and/or 2) they can easily find themselves feeling this way about multiple individuals, and/or 3) they tend to find themselves attracted to (or caught up in) the wrong types of folks: narcissists and highly-manipulative individuals definitely top the list.
Why? Well, for one thing, they move so fast that their discernment isn’t very keen, and two, they move so fast that they don’t make the time to step back, self-reflect, and heal before getting into a new situation with someone else. To them, they just chalk it all up to their pursuit of love and just move on to the next person — for as long as it takes. And honestly, that is pretty unhealthy. For a few reasons.
Starting with believing that “falling in love” is a responsible approach to love in the first place.
I’ll explain.
“Falling in Love” Isn’t Really a Thing, Though
GiphyI’ve shared in other articles that Albert Einstein once said, “Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.” For the record, I believe the full quote is, “Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do, but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it.” What he’s pretty much saying here is you don’t “fall” in love; love is a choice. And I agree.
However, let’s roll this back a bit. To fall is to drop, usually involuntarily. And as much as our culture is totally irresponsible when it comes to the word “love” (for instance, I can’t stand the television show For My Man; they constantly abuse the word. Love doesn’t make us do crazy things. Love doesn’t provoke reckless and violent behavior. Love isn’t criminal. Humans can come up with some very toxic behaviors; it’s not in the name of true love, though), the reality is that love doesn’t happen involuntarily. When you’re speaking of the I Corinthians 13 biblical version of love (love is patient, love is kind, love puts others first, love endures), if you really believe that God is love (I John 4:8&16) and if you think that love is an action and not just a feeling (and it is) — then no, it doesn’t “just happen.” Love is a series of decisions — with words and actions that follow. So no, y’all, you cannot actually “fall in love.”
What you can do is fall into attraction; you can be attracted to someone involuntarily (unintentionally, unconsciously), and sometimes that feeling can be so euphoric that you might be tempted to use the word “love” to define it — yet c’mon: does it even make mature sense to say that you did something as grand and life-altering as LOVE SOMEONE without intention or conscious? To me, that sounds like something a child would say. Give yourself more credit. Give love more credit, too.
And that’s why this part of the article has the heading that it does. It doesn’t matter if a saying is popular (a lot of popular stuff is dead wrong); it matters if it’s correct, and “falling in love” simply isn’t. Do I believe that you can be in love? Yes. Even then, though, not by yourself (check out “Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Difference”); the literal definition of “in” proves that (because in means “with”). Perhaps, if this was stated more, there would be less unhealthy relationships, less divorces, or more folks who took responsibility for who and how they loved instead of chalking it up to just being frivolous and emotional. You deserve better. LOVE DESERVES BETTER.
And that is a huge part of the reason why emophilia is hella problematic. It’s because everything that I just said, bucks it at every single turn. It wants people to think that you can just fall, over and over again, for the wrong people (for you), and you don’t need to take any type of personal accountability for it because…that’s just how love is — that’s just what being in love is like. Emophilia will have you out here being so emotionally promiscuous that you remain in the pattern of confusion by joining parts of yourself to pieces of others…when they simply don’t belong there.
And sadly, because emophilia is such a thing, it will encourage you to fix all of this by “falling in love,” yet again, when the actual thing that you should do is figure out how you became an emophiliac in the first place — so that you can stop “falling in love” and actually walk wisely and soberly into true love instead.
5 Ways to Break Free from Being an Emophiliac
GiphySo what if you saw yourself in at least a part of this and you’re ready to free your own self from emophilia. What should you do? For starters, here are five tips.
1. Take accountability for what got you here. If you are a fan of the “fall in love” phrase, it’s going to take a while to reprogram your mind from thinking that things “just happen” to you when it comes to relationships. So take a moment. Do some real soul-searching and journaling about why you like the concept of falling so much, if you’ve got a pattern that is counterproductive, and what you honestly think that needs to be done on your part. Oh, and if you know that you have an “unhealthy type” that you are drawn to, research their traits too.
2. Do some reading, researching, meditating, and praying about what love actually is. Real talk, this one is a lifelong journey. Just know that if folks even applied the I Corinthians 13 version alone, they would mature in love exponentially. When it comes to love, what I will say for now is love is something that betters your mind, body, and spirit and does not compromise in that way. If you are “loving someone” and you’re not getting these types of results or if your love isn’t making them better…it isn’t love. Attraction, maybe. Elation, perhaps. Love? Nah.
3. See a therapist (or relationship life coach). There are some clients I have who would probably admit that they are an emophiliac (or at least one in recovery) if you asked them. Most of them are single and some of them will randomly make an appointment with me just so that I can share with them what I see from the outside looking in. Listen, there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional if you’re trying to “unlearn to relearn” when it comes to all of this. I applaud it. More folks should.
4. Be abstinent for a while. You know the saying: If you want something different, you have to do things differently. For an emophiliac, all they know is going from person to person or relationship to relationship. You can’t really heal from this type of mindset unless you take some time away from what’s causing it in the first place. A season away from emotional promiscuity will help you to learn how to find other things that can make you feel good — other than a man, a relationship, or “falling in love.” That way, you can know when the love is real instead of the attraction being (potentially) deceptive.
5. CHOOSE. LOVE. I don’t care what this weird ass culture tries to cram down our throats: love doesn’t just happen to us; we choose it. Daily. Married people choose each other. Daily. If you’re dating someone, you are choosing them. Daily. This perspective is what brings integrity into love, longevity into love, and honor back to love.
That said, one thing that comes up when it comes to the topic of promiscuity is “casual” and love deserves so much more than words like “accidental,” “offhand” and “not premeditated.” If you’re going to really love someone, choose it; don’t be promiscuous about it. You deserve better. Love deserves better.
____
For some of you, "emophilia" may be your something new for the day as far as the word. Yet, now that it’s been unpacked, if it’s something that you can relate to, more than just a lil’ bit, there’s no time like right at this very moment to stop being emotionally promiscuous…so that you can learn how to love the right way…the best way…the chosen way.
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