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What Is The Orgasm Gap & How Do We Close It?
Women, in general, tend to disassociate during sex (myself included) and I hate that for us. But here's the thing: the year was 1960-something when white women are preaching, striving for sexual liberation, and coining terms like "the orgasm gap". Black women, we (our ancestors) were putting the same energy into the civil rights movement. The priorities were different and understandably so. Yet, I say all of this to say: the undoing and desire to close the orgasm gap began late for us, when in reality we needed a head start because so much of our sexuality has been colonized to begin with.
And, it shows! It shows in how we as Black women view sex and our sexualities, how we discuss it, and how we feel about it. For so long, sex was seen as something men do to us. So much so that I recall a time where so many women would rather not masturbate because her pleasure was intended to stroke the ego of men. The thing is, the orgasm gap that we face tells a different story in regards to the pleasure we're receiving in our sex lives. No, the orgams gap isn't specific to Black women, but much like the pay gap I imagine that this (the orgasm gap) too disproportionately impacts us.
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But let me back up. What is the orgasm gap? The orgasm gap refers to the prioritization of the cis-het man's orgasm in the bedroom. It's the centering of pleasure around the patriarchy for any number of reasons, whether it be miseducation or willful "ill[CLIlT]eracy."
In a nutshell: it is the disproportionate rate of men to women receiving orgasms in the bedroom.
Though everyone's body is different and not all women are capable of having an orgasm, we should be able to enjoy the pleasure that comes along with a partner who tries their best to get us there. The biggest issue for an able-bodied clitoris is education, i.e. our grossly lacking understanding of our anatomy.
With over 5,000 nerves in the clitoris, it simply shouldn't be this hard for women to receive an orgasm. But men have to be able to find it, first. The best way to remedy this is a healthier sex education for all -- sex-positive sex education in our homes and in the school system. But because I'm in the business of talking about Black women specifically, I want to talk about some ways to close the orgasm gap specifically tailored towards us.
1.Unlearn Shame and Colonial Sex Idealogies
Those who enslaved Blacks were very intentional about the language they used around our sexuality, demonizing us with derogatory language that condoned the sexual mistreatment of Black women and men. They made it appear that because we were "animals" we had an insatiable sex drive that condoned white men raping us and a false narrative that Black men couldn't be trusted to not sexually harm white women. Black women were bred as if they were cows in a barnyard and then once slavery ended, they created the narrative that all we do is lay up and have children. This also brought into play respectability politics in an attempt to move us from this narrative and create more opportunities in a white world for Black people. So now when we show any natural human sexuality, we as Black women are hypersexualized and that breeds internalized hate.
Unlearn all of that because that's the real white shit -- not sucking dick, not anal, not masturbation. To further understand what it is that you're unlearning, research the contradictions and exploitation that colonizers have created around oursexuality while they are out here living their best lives.
2.Get Familiar with Your Actual Sexuality
Start unpacking after you've done some educating! How do you actually feel about sex as it related to you? Your sexuality. Who do you want to be when it comes to your sexuality...when society isn't dictating? Why do you judge those (especially women) who display their sexuality differently than you? How often have you encountered the reality of the orgasm gap? It might be helpful to journal through this.
3.Explore Your Body
You cannot help your partner understand what you like if you don't know what you like. Try masturbating manually and with a toy while viewing ethical porn or reading an erotic novel. Touch your breasts, use lubricant, set the mood.
Genuinely have sex with yourself so that you can truly innerstand what gets you to your orgasm.
Are you in the majority where you require a combination of clioral and vaginal stimulation? What trauma do you have around your sexuality, from this lifetime and others, from your personal experiences and from those of your ancestors (our bodies hold that too)?
4.Educate Yourself
Based on what you found in your research, browse the internet or connect with others in order to figure out ways to bridge the gaps in your pleasure, making for one less statistic of the orgasm gap. Goop has a great resource entitled the "14 Best Books About Sex That are Worth the Read" and is a great place to start.
5.Communicate and Consent
Be sure to talk to your partners before you all have sex (not necessarily right before) and after. See what's working and what's not. Try to communicate your sexual trauma so that your partner doesn't accidentally trigger you in any way. After all, if you can't even relax during sex, an orgasm becomes that much more difficult to attain. DO NOT be afraid to say what didn't please you.
The ancient African-American proverb "a closed mouth doesn't get fed" will never not be relevant. And also make sure you're open and honest about the kinks that you may need integrated in order to feel sexually fulfilled.
These discussions will make sure you're sexually compatible with your partner and that your partner is willing and ready to do what it takes to ensure you both have a pleasurable experience.
6.Educate Those in Your Life
From your sexual partners to your children, make sure you're teaching everything from the anatomy and how it works, to the ways in which most porn should not be the pleasure map that is pulled from.
Are you a member of our insiders squad? Join us in the xoTribe Members Community today!
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- Sex-Positive Parenting: Raising Sex-Positive Kids - xoNecole ... ›
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
This Carnival Queen's Beauty Secret To Clear Skin Is Good Health
In About Face, xoNecole gets the 411 on IGers who give us #skincaregoals on a daily. Here they break down their beauty routines on the inside and out, as well as the highly coveted products that grace their shelves and their skin.
Xenia Douglas knows all too well what it’s like to keep up with beauty and skincare routines. In 2022, she became Miss Saint Lucia Carnival Queen and proudly represented what it means to be a true beauty inside and out. Although she confidently wears her crown while encouraging others, she also has had her ups and downs with skincare.
Douglas struggled with adult acne during the pandemic. “I spent about six months researching and trying to figure it out on my own, and given how I was eating at the time, I soon discovered that there was a relationship between food and how it affects my skin,” Douglas said. This discovery leads her to change her eating habits. Opting for healthier food options and finding balance with non-healthy options.
In what seemed like no time, she began seeing a major change in her skin and taking her skincare more seriously. This led to her reflecting on how she cared for her skin growing up. “There was a time when I used to go to bed with makeup, like every day, and my skin suffered because of it."
“There was a time when I used to go to bed with makeup, like every day, and my skin suffered because of it."
Like many of us, Douglas had no education in skincare, and she put her skin through the ringer by trying too many different skincare products. Reflecting on her mistakes helped to form a better relationship with caring for her skin. “Now that I’m older, I understand the importance of finding the right products for my skin type. I love using sunscreen and products that protect my skin barrier. That experience assisted me in garnering youthful-looking skin,” Douglas added.
Courtesy
These days, Douglas' morning routine is as realistic as it gets. She’s rushing to get ready for a long day at work. Still, she always finds time to fit in a glass of water and her skincare routine. Even amid morning stress, her routine never becomes tiresome. As she prepares for the day, her mother’s wisdom runs through her mind: “'Looking young never gets old,' my mom always said to me!”
Douglas enjoys indulging in Korean skincare products that hydrate the skin. Some mornings, she will combine her skincare routine with a workout. “I love going on runs and Pilates. I’ve always preferred a more toned and slender look, so the strength training and cardio combo is a 10 out of 10.”
“I love going on runs and Pilates. I’ve always preferred a more toned and slender look, so the strength training and cardio combo is a 10 out of 10.”
Douglas' journey to clear skin has become a health transformation. She’s changed her eating habits, worked out, and prioritizes caring for her skin on her busiest days. It’s no wonder she is now a representation of beauty. To her, beauty isn’t just about the products we use but the daily habits we implement to feel good.
Here are the products Douglas uses day and night to keep glowing all day long:
Xenia's Morning Skincare Routine:
Step 1: CeraVe Cleanser
CeraVe
"I use the CeraVe cleansers (either the Salicylic Acid, foaming, or Hydrating Cleanser). I pretty much rotate between these three depending on what my skin is calling for that day.”
Step 2: Innisfree Green Tea Toner
Amazon
"In 2020, I started learning more about Korean skincare, and it propelled me to begin using water-based toners as opposed to alcohol-based toners. Given that alcohol-based toners are more of an astringent and can cause more harm than good, the switch to a water-based toner, specifically my Innisfree Green Tea toner, has done wonders in hydrating and supporting my skin."
Step 3: Soon Jung Hydro Barrier Cream
Soon Jung
"When I moisturize, I don’t just use a basic moisturizer. I use a moisture barrier cream! As I mentioned before, I am an advocate for Korean skincare, as it is quite hydrating. So, I use moisturizers that shield my skin from irritants, friction, or drying out. My favorite is the Soon Jung Hydro Barrier Cream. It’s amazing!”
Step 4: Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen
Supergoop!
“I try not to miss a day when it comes to my sunscreen. I use the Supergoop! Unseen Sunscreen, particularly on the days I’m on the road or outside."
Xenia's Nighttime Skincare Routine:
Step 1: COSRX Snail Mucin Serum
COSRX
“I normally use a hydrating serum on days when my skin feels dry, or I notice some texture. It’s extremely moisturizing."
Step 2: COSRX Snail Mucin Moisturizer
COSRX
"I follow up with this moisturizer when I use the COSRX Serum. They’re quite the dynamic duo.”
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