These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily
"Yes, love yourself. But also analyze and be critical of how you think, act and behave. Self-love without self-awareness is useless. Hold yourself accountable." --Unknown
I'm actually chuckling to myself, even as I'm writing this, because I went to college with someone who used to make some of the dumbest choices (when it came to relationships, money, you name it). Yet whenever that fact was brought to their attention, their preset response was "I'm aware." Since being aware of something is simply being cognizant of it or having knowledge about it, it's not like they were exactly wrong by saying that.
The thing that used to baffle me was when were they going to get to a point and place in their life where merely being aware of their mess ups wasn't enough? When were they going to start putting some of that so-called awareness on the front end of their poor decisions? Ladies—and gents who are also peeking in—this is where bona fide self-awareness comes in. Because, indeed, it's one thing to have knowledge of something or someone, but it's another matter entirely when you have a ton of knowledge about yourself before even getting involved in something—or with someone—else.
I've had my fair share of compliments; however, I think one that goes on my Top 10 list is something that both my bestie and spiritual mentor have both told me before—that I am ever-striving to be a self-aware individual. And since that has been a focus of mine, life has been calmer, easier and much more drama-free. I think it's due to the fact that I put the following 10 things into practice as much as I possibly can.
1.Self-Aware People Pray and/or Meditate
GiphyI'm gonna refrain from taking y'all to church on this point, but there is scientific evidence that there are all sorts of benefits that come from praying on a consistent basis. One study reveals that it can help your body to fight off disease. Another study shows that it's an effective way to find relief from depression-related symptoms. There's even research to prove that it can increase longevity. And don't even get me started on the power of meditation; of learning how to get quiet, still and deep breathe (check out "Scientific Benefits of Meditation – 76 things you might be missing out on" when you get a chance).
Some of the most self-aware people I know are also the most humble. A part of what makes them that way is they know there is a Higher Power that they must respect, give honor to and rely on for strength and support. If you're someone who knows that a Source is playing a direct role in your life, pat yourself (humbly) on the back. You're more self-aware than a lot of people out in these streets, just based on this point alone.
2.Self-Aware People Really Listen to Themselves and Others
Anyone who tells you that they are self-aware but they don't listen is in complete and total denial. One of the signature traits of a self-aware individual is their ability to pay attention to what is happening inside of them and what is transpiring around them.
How can you know if you're a good listener or not? When it comes to listening to yourself, meditation helps with that. So does paying attention to when something physically feels a little "off" or your gut is sending you certain messages. Another sign that you're good at listening to yourself is you practice self-care. At the end of the day, self-care is about knowing that you can't even begin to take good care of others if you don't start by tending to your own needs first.
As far as if you're a good listener with other people, ask yourself the following questions. Do you make sure to give them your undivided attention? Do you give them time to express themselves? Do you ask questions in order to gain the clarity that you seek? Are you intentional about making them feel comfortable and safe in your space? Do you not turn things around and make them be about you while they are talking (I hate it when people do that!)? If the answer is "yes", not only are you great at listening to others, you've mastered a form of self-awareness that few make a top priority.
3.Self-Aware People Have and Respect Boundaries
Be leery of people who don't have boundaries and/or don't respect yours. As a late poet by the name of Gerard Manley Hopkins once said, "Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and right to choose." Indeed. And since the purpose of boundaries is the deepest parts of your being, it makes perfect sense that self-aware individuals would have them; not only have them but honor the ones that others have because they support their need to honor themselves too.
Anyone who tries to push past your boundaries? First, share with them a quote by two of my favorite authors on the topic, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend—"The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem." (#dropthemic) Then, if you want to keep them in your life, but you feel like they need some assistance in the learning-the-point-of-having-boundaries department, bless them with a copy ofBoundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. If they don't thank you now, they'll thank you later.
(Speaking of boundaries, if you're not sure if you have some, a read that is totally worth your time is "18 Signs You Lack Personal Boundaries (and Feel Constantly Used)".)
4.Self-Aware People Understand Different Emotions
According to many mental health experts, we basically experience four different types of emotions— anger, fear, happiness and sadness. Everything else is an extension of these. That might be true, but if you check out this emotion wheel, you'll see that what's going on in our head and heart is a lot more complex than just four feelings.
Something that I adore about my godchildren's mother is she makes sure that they are in tune with their emotions. When the older one (the second is a newborn) says that she is mad, her mom takes a moment to ask her if it's actual anger that she feels or maybe it's more like irritation, being overwhelmed or even tired.
Can you imagine how less emotionally confused a lot of us would be as adults if our parents took out the time to be this thorough with us when we were little? There's no time like the present. Check out the emotional wheel link. Print it out and hang it up if necessary. We're emotional beings. It's a good idea to know what all of our emotions are.
5.Self-Aware People Think Before Speaking
I used to date a guy who stuttered. He was also soft-spoken. Boy, did I learn a lot about communication, thanks to interacting with him. For one thing, I had to accept how straight-up rude it is to cut someone off while they're speaking. Whether we realize it or not, it's also an ego trip because we're basically saying that what we've got to share is far more important. Another thing that it taught me was how impatient I can sometimes be while engaging others. But since my ex took longer to get his words out and I have a naturally louder tone than him, it taught me how to slow down and really listen. Know what doing that did? It taught me how to do more thinking before I speak.
Thinking before speaking is basically taking out a moment or two to process what you're about to say and how you're about to say it in order to see if you're willing to handle the reaction that you just might get. It's also about applying tact and timing to truth.
Self-aware people typically don't like drama, so they would rather take long pauses in conversation than to rush to get things out, only to unnecessarily start problems.
6.Self-Aware People Observe Others’ Mistakes (to Avoid Making Them)
One of the best things I've ever heard my mother say is, "Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher." What that means, in a nutshell, is you don't have to go through everything in order to learn. Sometimes, observing someone else's life, can be impactful all on its own.
This is one of the best traits about a self-aware person. They don't think that you need a certain type of status or education or even a certain tax bracket to be a powerful teacher in their life. A houseless (which is what I prefer instead of the word "homeless") individual, someone in prison or a substance abuser can have brilliant points and insights just as much as anyone else. If you listen closely enough, they might even have more.
7.Self-Aware People Are Patient
Someone once said, "When you delay instant gratification, you will experience long-term satisfaction." Self-aware people know this. They're the kind of individuals who would rather save up for something rather than charge it on their credit card. They're also the ones who aren't interested in settling because they live by the quote by writer Maureen Dowd—"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." When it comes to having something vs. having what's best for them, they'll take what's behind Door #2.
However, there is something else about patience that goes beyond waiting for things. One of the most slept-on definitions of patient (probably because it's uncomfortable and difficult) is "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". When you look at patience from this perspective, it is one of the hardest things to put into practice. Self-aware people do it anyway because they know that life isn't always easy nor is it always gonna go their way, but, at the same time, the best way to get through the trying times is to apply a nice dose of patience.
8.Self-Aware People Are Compassionate
I really like the word "compassion". There is something really soothing and safe about it. When there are people on the planet who don't just acknowledge someone's pain or discomfort but want to do whatever they can to help relieve it? That is humanity functioning at its finest. Compassionate people are empathetic. Compassionate people are giving. Compassionate people know how to forgive others and themselves. Compassionate people are mindful and grateful.
There is absolutely no way that you can be a compassionate person and not have a pretty high level of self-awareness; especially if you know that being compassionate starts with extending compassion to the one who's looking at you in the mirror.
9.Self-Aware People Are Focused
I have a friend who says the funniest thing about his mom—"I don't know what makes her think that if she calls me three times in one day that it's gonna make me call her back any faster. I check her messages and if it's not dire, I get back to her once I've done the other things that are already on my list." You know what kind of person functions this way? A focused one.
Focused people don't spend hours on social media while they are at work. Focused people don't buy an extra pair of shoes when they are trying to save up for a new car. Focused people don't settle for Mr./Ms. Right Now when who they really want is Mr./Ms. Right, period. Focused people refuse to let someone discourage them off of their plans and goals. Focused people have routines, work methodically and know how to embrace each and every moment they are in.
Something else that's dope about focused folks is they truly honor their time. I think it was an author by the name of Shannon L. Adler who once said, "Don't say you don't have enough time or enough money to change the world. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Gandhi, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci and Jesus Christ." A lot of focused/self-aware people? They probably have this quote hanging up in their office or house somewhere.
10.Self-Aware People Know How and When to Let Things Go
Cue in Toni Braxton's song, "Let It Flow" right here. Every March, there's a national observance day called National Get Over It Day. It's a reminder that everything has its own time and season. Self-aware people are not only accepting of this reality, they are often so in tune with themselves and what's going on around them that they can sense when much-needed shifts are coming. And since they know that, more times than not, in order to get to what's better, they are prepared to release what's before them—and they are able to let go with love.
Personally, I find letting ish go to be one of the best qualities of self-awareness. It's also one of the greatest motivations to make self-awareness a consistent life practice. How about you?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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