Sooo...What If You HATE Oral?
Recently, while talking to one of my married friends, she told me that the topic of oral sex came up in their household. All of her and her husband's children, minus one, are young teenagers at this point. And so, when one of them came into the kitchen and said, "Do you and daddy have oral sex?" and my friend replied with, "Absolutely", I rolled at her candor and how her child was like, "Eww!". The way I see it, good for them that they are so open about sex. After all, it's how their children got here.
Yet, as I thought more about fellatio and cunnilingus, I also reflected on the various responses and reactions I've witnessed, every time one or both acts are mentioned. I'd have to say that probably around 7 times out of 10, oral sex is spoken of, by both men and women, very fondly. Oh, but there is that 30 percent who, whether it's giving head and/or receiving it, words cannot express how much they find the act to be close to grotesque and definitely unappealing. "Problem" is oftentimes, when someone like this is in a relationship, that sentiment isn't even close to being mutual. And sometimes, that can rock the boat of the relationship, more than a little bit.
That's what we're gonna tackle today. If you're someone who thoroughly enjoys everything about sex other than giving oral and/or receiving it while you're partner is all for it, all day and every day (on both the giving and receiving end), here are some things to think about—that you might've never considered, quite this way, before.
Is It All in Your, Umm, Head?
I've actually shared before that one of my favorite stories about a mom having "the sex talk" with her child for the first time came from a female comedian who was sharing her experience during a Ted Talk. Her daughter, who was somewhere between 8-10 at the time (I can't exactly remember), intently listened to her mother put her own spin on the birds and the bees. When her mom finished, the daughter then said, with a semi-horrified look on her face, "So you have sex where you pee?!", only for her mom to revisit how real that revelation was and respond by saying, "Yeah. It's kind of like taking a trip to your favorite amusement park and going to a toxic waste dump at the same time."
Even though that might initially evoke some double yucks, just at the mere thought of it all, the reality is, when any of us who have sex, that's basically what's transpiring. For whatever reason, God himself designed us to relieve ourselves with the same parts of our body where sexual pleasure comes from. So, if that is a part of the reason why the thought of engaging in oral sex freaks you out, I get it. At the same time, God also created the people who invented things like showers, baths, washcloths and soap. So, if the reason why you struggle with the thought of participating in oral sex is because "he pees down there", I promise you that if you make the request that he hop in the shower first, you will feel more calm and confident. Or at least, you should.
Have You Ever Even Tried Oral Before?
I'm going to be very TMI here for a moment. As someone who has participated in more than her fair share of fellatio, other than bracing myself for "the final act" (I'm sure you get it), to me, it really isn't that big of a deal. In many ways, it's like sucking on a really big…I guess "thumb" would be the best way to explain it. Yes, you have to factor in things like breathing, shifting speeds and endurance (based on how long your man's stamina is), but to tell you the truth, I'm actually far more impressed with men who go down on us—not because our vaginas aren't one of the best things on this entire planet but because, if he's doing things right, there is a lot of fluid going on down there, right off the rip.
That's why, whenever a woman tells me that she hates fellatio, my first question is, "Have you ever even tried it before?" because oftentimes, they haven't. And if you've come to the conclusion that you semi-loathe something that you've never even experienced before, well, you're either basing your decision on ignorance or the stories of others—and when it comes to something like sex, that twisted logic simply isn't good enough. As Mikey used to say in the throwback Life commercial, "Try it. You just might like it."
Let’s Break Down the Penis a Bit, Shall We?
Remember how I just said that giving head really isn't that big of a deal? If you're looking at the monitor with complete and total side-eye, I've got another question for you—how much time have you even spent with a penis? Laugh if you want but I'm dead serious. Other than perhaps catching a peek (and maybe not even wanting to do that) when your partner is naked, do you really not give penises much thought beyond it being what penetrates you during intercourse? If so, that could also be a part of the issue/problem. Sometimes it's because our parents totally sucked at giving us the sex talk, sometimes it's because we barely paid attention in high school-level anatomy class, other times it's because the Church acts like sex is something that shouldn't be discussed until marriage (and, let me tell it, barely even then)—for so many reasons, there can be such an ignorance around male genitalia that it profoundly affects us on a sexual level.
That's actually why I wrote articles on the site like, "15 Pretty Tripped Out Things You May Not Know About Penises", "Do You Swallow? The Unexpected Health Benefits Of Sperm", "10 Things You Didn't Know About The Male And Female Orgasm", "Blow Your Man's Mind By Giving Him This Tantalizing Massage" and "8 Men & 8 Women Told Me What They Wish Their Partner Would STOP Doing In Bed". I'm a firm believer that the more you learn about something, the less fearful you tend to be about it. Study the penis. It's not as "terrifying" as some of you might think that it is.
Did You Have a Bad (or Selfish) Oral Sex Experience?
Also, remember how I said in the intro that I wasn't only going to tackle this from the angle of women who hate to give fellatio but also women who aren't big fans of receiving cunnilingus too? I know quite a few women who roll like that (interestingly enough, a lot of them are Leos and Capricorns; if you fall into that sign, please hop in the comments). When I've asked them why they would rather pass on receiving head, some have said that it simply doesn't get them off. However, more have said that the times when they have conceded and given it a shot, it felt more sopping wet and uncomfortable than anything else. And so, after giving a couple of different partners a try and the experience totally sucking (and absolutely not in a good way), they've decided to pass on all future opportunities. Then there's another scenario. Some women I know don't get down with giving or receiving oral sex because they've found their partners to be selfish as hell. Either all he cares about is getting some head or, if he is going down, it's more like he's barely tolerating it so that he can get some fellatio as soon as he's done.
If you fall into any of these dynamics, while thankfully, I can't really relate, what I will say is, you are sooooooooooo—breathe—oooooooo missing out if you've decided to let the past hinder your future. Aside from the fact that 75 percent of women barely have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone, there is something that is so damn hot about engaging in the kind of sex that has no hindrances.
If you've had a bad sexual experience (including if your partner was selfish), the best thing to do is share that with your current partner so that the two of you can work through it. If after a few tries, you're still like "nah", don't feel bad. Oral sex—on the giving or receiving end—isn't necessarily for everybody (I once had sex with a guy who really liked giving oral sex but hated receiving it…go figure). Just make sure that you've come to that conclusion solely based on preference and not some really unpleasant past situations.
What About Performance Anxiety?
Any of you who are die-hard Insecure fans, you might recall the episode when Issa and her girls went to a sex expo and discussed their thoughts on oral sex; especially giving head. Issa shared that she wasn't that big of a fan because she felt like her teeth were too big and she wasn't all that great at it. Then, when Tiffany told her about how empowering giving fellatio was, Issa tried it on Daniel, only for him to ejaculate on her face and totally piss her off.
First, doing anything sexually with the objective of "overtaking someone" is probably not the best idea. On the sexual tip, do things because 1) you enjoy it and 2) you want to please your partner; not manipulate them. And second, while I would be lying to you if I said that all oral sex is the same (some folks really are better at it than others), what I will say is if you're with a partner who is truly worthy of you, it's not a "performance pageant" or competition of some sort. In other words, he's not looking at the top of your head and imagining a scorecard. He's simply enjoying being with you. If you're willing to check your fears and your ego (not one or the other—both) at the door, he will be willing to share with you what works for him. Also, if he's a really great lover, he will want you to do the same when it comes to pleasuring you too.
Is Giving Fellatio a Deal-Breaker for You?
Now if after all of what I just said, you're still like, "Yeah girl, I'll pass", then this is what I've got to say on that—be upfront with your partner. The reason why is because, while oral sex may not be that big of a deal to you, it might be for him. By the way, that doesn't make him a bad person. Not in the least. Matter of fact, I've said in more than a few interviews, that if I fall in love with a man and he is not completely enthralled with oral sex, he's someone I am going to have to take a pass on, on the marriage tip. I take the marriage covenant seriously, so I'm not signing up to spend the rest of my life with someone who isn't all-the-way-dirty-down on both the giving and receiving end of head. Are y'all kidding me?
Men have the right to feel the same way. So, if you are someone who doesn't like to give fellatio and/or receive cunnilingus, once the two of you enter the sexual part of your relationship, it is definitely something that you need to put on the table. If what you're thinking is, "Why? It shouldn't be that big of a deal" then the checkmate I have for you is, if it isn't a big deal, why are you hiding it?
I am all about the right couples being a great complement for one another. So, look at it this way—if he really is your "the one", then he will Kanye shrug at your reservations and all will be fine. But if he's honest that it's something that he can't go without (whether it's giving or receiving), don't penalize him for that. Sexual satisfaction is a very real and justifiable priority in a relationship. It's always best to wait for the one who will fulfill you, as you fulfill him, fully, in this area.
Always Remember That Great Sex Comes with Some Compromise
Compromise. It's what makes relationships go 'round. That said, if you're someone who basically hurls at the mere thought of giving or receiving oral sex, it would be totally irresponsible of me if I didn't advise that you absolutely not push yourself past your comfort zone. Sex, of any kind, should never feel violating. Yet if fellatio or cunnilingus are simply no more or less than not your favorite things to do—like maybe you've got a sexual position that you prefer over another—consider "being down" more often, simply because your partner wants to be pleased and please. Also, keep in mind that oral sex tends to have levels. What I mean by that is things like how long you do it and up to what point you do it can both take some of the "edge" off.
Bottom line, sometimes focusing more on simply being close to your partner can take some of the "eww" out of acts like oral sex. You won't know unless you try. So…why not try it?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
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The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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