Here's How To See The Silver Linings Of Your Break-Up
I already know. If you're someone who's recently gone through a break-up (or you're currently contemplating ending your relationship), you probably rolled your eyes until they couldn't go back any further when it came to this title. Because the reality is that, similar to marriage, there aren't a ton of us who go into serious relationships thinking that they've got an expiration date to them. And so, whenever the ride comes to an end, even if we know it's for the best, it can take a lot out of us. It can also tempt us, at least initially, to only focus on how much we're hurting and/or losing, as the result of calling it quits.
As someone who has had my own fair share of break-ups with guys (believe you me, chile), while it does initially seem like a super painful experience, in hindsight, I'm able to see that there were several silver linings that arose from ending things. That's why I wanted to pen this. Because sometimes, in the midst of a break-up, it can be really hard to see the "beauty for ashes" moments that can be directly connected to them. I'll share the ones that I've personally discovered…now.
Believe It or Not, the Hardest Part Has Already Happened
I remember the day when I broke up with the last boyfriend that I will ever have in this lifetime (check out "Why I'll Never Call Someone A 'Boyfriend' Again"). Between us being the best of homies before ever getting together, the relationship lasting for four years, and then us sleeping together for two more years after that, while I knew that moving on was absolutely the right and best thing for me to do, on the particular day that I made the call and officially ended things, I was absolutely devastated. I was at a cousin of his house and, after hanging up, I just curled up on a ball and literally screamed and cried and then screamed and cried some more. When someone has been an intimate part of your world for well over a decade, them leaving—even if you're the one who's removing them—can bring about a grief that is truly indescribable.
For the first week, everything was kind of a blur. I was so used to speaking with him, at least a couple of times a day, that it took me a moment to step back and adjust to what had become my new normal. But you know what?
After about three weeks, I found myself feeling pretty OK. On some levels, even better than that. Because while there was a part of me that missed him, I was more excited about what my life would look like, now that I was more focused on me and what I wanted rather than "we" and what he needed.
My point? While this might seem like a really "WTF?" way to start off this article, that doesn't make it any less relevant or true. If you're someone who has just gone through your own break-up, believe it or not, the first silver lining is the fact that the worst part of the break-up is already behind you. I liken it to someone breaking a bone. It hurts like hell but once the break happens (especially if it's a clean break; I'll get more into that later), it's time to focus on the healing part. So, please don't stay in something that is no longer serving you, simply because you think the pain will be too much to bear. Fear is never a good reason to remain in, pretty much anything. And besides, pain eventually exhausts itself. I know this from a very up close and personal fact.
Now It’s Time to Do Some Journaling
I've said in some of the other articles on here that a phrase that I absolutely cannot stand is, "If you want to get over an old guy, get underneath a new one." Sex is a gift; it's not something that should be abused (check out "We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex'" and "Make-Up Sex Might Be Doing Your Relationship More Harm Than Good"). So no, I definitely don't think that rebounding, in any way and on any level, is your best move. If anything, use this as a time to do some serious self-reflecting; one of the most effective ways to do that is to journal.
Something that can prove to be super helpful is if you do a twist to what I call "prayer journaling". When I pray journal, I write my thoughts and feelings in a black or blue ink pen. I sometimes meditate and pray and then what I feel like God is conveying to me (which is oftentimes via a Scriptural reference), I wrote that in red ink. Well, if you're journaling for the sole purpose of evaluating your relationship, write what your "old self" felt while you were in the relationship in black or blue ink and then how your "newer self" feels, now that the relationship is over, in red ink. If you devote 15-30 minutes towards doing this, every day, after about two weeks or so, you may discover some extra confirmations about why the relationship ended and why that could actually prove to be a really good thing. Journaling about your break-up can bring forth a clarity that you possibly wouldn't get any other way. I can certainly vouch, big time, for this.
Think About How the Relationship Wasn’t Serving You
I once wrote an article for the site entitled, "How To Stop Being 'Ms. Fix It' In Your Relationships". Something that doing my own relationship journaling over the years has revealed to me is, more times than not, I would get into relationships where I was doing most of the work, simply because I was codependent AF. It didn't really matter if I wasn't getting my own needs met; I thought that loving someone meant that I did all that I could to make sure they were good…even if I actually wasn't.
It's pretty common that, once you break-up with someone, your mind merely wants to go back to all of the good times that are filed somewhere in your memory. In a weird way, it's like your heart is trying to shield you from having to relive the "icky parts" over and over again. This is exactly why many folks don't move past someone, who they actually should get over, for months or even years later (check out "6 Reasons Why You STILL Can't Over Your Ex" and "You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?"). But if you really want to heal from your break-up, it's important that you look at it from ALL angles. The good is what can help you to forgive. The not-so-good is what can encourage you to keep pressing forward.
Listen, I don't care how awesome a guy was to you. If the relationship was as wonderful as your heart may be trying to tell you right now, you'd still be with him, right? Think about the areas where things were lacking, so that you can be sure to require those things the next time. Even if the next time is via a reconciliation with him (we'll have to touch on that another time, y'all).
Try a Self-Care Fast
Even if the break-up was initiated by him, due to something that you did or kept doing (check out "10 Single Men Shared Some Thoughts They Wish Women Would Take At Face Value" and "Women Cheat More Than We Think. What To Do If That's You."), there's a pretty good chance that you were doing those things because some part of you was unhappy or unfulfilled (that's not a justification; just the reality). Back when I used to have boyfriends and go through break-ups, whether it was my call or not, whether it was because of something they did (or didn't do) or I did (or didn't do), I still used to be harder on myself than I ever should've been. I would just keep beating myself up with what-could've-been recollections rather than doing what I am now recommending that you try—self-care fasting.
Sometimes a fast is about not doing something. Other times, it's about doing something in overdrive.
You're a woman. You know how we tend to be when we're with someone. So much of our time, effort, energy and resources is all about making sure he's good and the relationship is fine. It can be so extreme that we don't even realize the areas where we've dropped the ball on pampering and nurturing our own selves. If there's ever a time to get back into the swing of things, on the heels of a break-up would be it.
I'd say devote 14 or even 30 days straight to doing something, each day, that focuses on self-care. It can be taking luxurious baths. It can be having a glass of wine. It can be getting a massage or a mani-pedi. It can be taking a weekend off to do nothing but read, watch mindless television and sleep. It can be taking a social media fast. It can be getting a makeover. It can be remodeling your bedroom. The list is literally endless. The point is, science actually says that it takes somewhere around 66 days to form a habit. By going on a self-care fast for 30 days, you are setting a foundation to make sure that your needs are nurtured. And that is one of the best ways to heal from a break-up and to set solid standards for your next relationship too.
Make Sure It’s a CLEAN Break (at Least for Now)
OK. Now back to what I was talking about when I mentioned a clean arm break. Any doctor will tell you that a clean break makes for much quicker healing. Same thing applies to a break-up. If the two of you are "technically" no longer together, but you're still talking on the phone, following each other on social media, or (whew) still having sex, it's going to be close to impossible for you to move forward with your life. Not only that but it sends a message to your "technical ex" that he can still get a lot of the benefits of keeping you around without any of the responsibility.
Remember, I was very open about the fact that my last ex and I had sex for two freakin' years after ending our relationship. I also told you that I was a basket case when I finally did say "enough is enough" once and for all. Breaking up can be a process. There's no doubt about that. But don't think that weaning off of a man is easier than just ending things, period. You need the space and time, without him, to see if you really still want him or you're just used to having him around. And the only way to do that is to end all communication. Perhaps not forever, but at least for a while (remember also what I said about how long it takes to form a habit, so "a while" should probably be a couple of months or so).
Remember the Path Is Now Open to Get What You REALLY Want
Best-selling author Paulo Coelho once said, "Life always waits for some crisis to occur before revealing itself at its most brilliant." A break-up indeed qualifies as a crisis, at least on some level. And while it might not feel this way yet, because the relationship (and the man) are out of your path, the "brilliance" in all of that is you can figure out what you really and truly want. Is it time and space to focus on some desires and goals that your relationship had been distracting you away from? Is it time and space to determine if you were getting what you really and truly needed? Is it time and space to decide if the relationship was the right one at the wrong time, but you both need time to grow individually before coming back together again?
Break-ups are difficult. I totally get that. But they really aren't the end of the world or your love experiences. Use it as a learning experience, a self-motivator and an opportunity to do things, the way you really want to, the next time. If you choose to see the silver lining from this angle, you will be all the better for it, sis. I can absolutely promise you that.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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These 11 Married Couples Share Their Keys To Long-Term Marital Success
The late actor Audrey Hepburn once said something that I think a lot of married couples who have at least 10 years under their belt will agree with: “If I get married, I want to be very married.” In my mind, this means very committed, very complementary, and very willing to go the distance — otherwise, what’s the point?
Really, what’s the point?
Thing is, with the divorce rate still being higher than it ever should be (for the record, a husband is not a boyfriend, and a wife is not a girlfriend; a marriage is serious business, y’all) and acting married being praised (or at least acknowledged) more than actually being married seems to be — folks who 1) are married and are looking for some hacks that will help with relational longevity or 2) want to be married someday and want insight on how to make their future marriage last are constantly seeking truly beneficial material.
Can you Google articles with random bullet points? Sure. And I’m not discouraging it. Every little bit of wisdom that you can pull, I fully support. However, the reason why I like to do articles like this one from time to time is there is something to be said from hearing real talk from multiple sources on the same topic who have some solid wisdom and knowledge on a particular topic.
Today? 11 married couples who were willing to talk about how they’ve been able to make it to several wedding anniversaries with a smile on their face and no regrets for choosing who they chose. Let’s all sit at their feet for just a moment.
*Middle names are always used in my content that’s like this so that people can speak freely*
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1. Kyle and Adrienne. Married 12 Years.
Kyle: “Some of your readers aren’t going to want to hear this but it’s worked for my marriage: people need to lower their expectations sometimes; I mean, men and women. We go into marriage with stuff that movies told us, social media told us, friends who are always single told us about what we should expect from someone, and then want to fault the person when they’re not what we made up in our head. Everyone should have standards but if you’re expecting your spouse to be some living version of a fairy tale character, you’re going to be disappointed almost every day of your life. Drop those expectations some and watch your relationship be a lot less stressful.”
Adrienne: “Talk to people who respect your man about your marriage. I’ve never believed that you shouldn’t ever go to anyone when you need some support. Even the Bible says that there is safety in wise counsel [Proverbs 11:4]. Too many women talk to women who don’t respect men, in general, let alone their husbands, and so that’s where things go left. Sometimes, you need an ‘outside in’ perspective. But if that woman is always taking shots at men, doesn’t respect marriage, or isn’t someone who holds your man in high regard, don’t ask her for advice. Really, you should ask yourself why you’re friends with her at all.”
Shellie here: I’m big on engaged and married couples having a “village” of sorts for their relationship, too. Check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry'” to get a good idea of what I mean.
2. Levi and Paulette. Married for 15 Years.
Levi: “Some of you have probably heard of the 7-7-7 rule. It’s where couples go on a date every seven days, have a weekend getaway every seven weeks, and go on a romantic trip of some sort every seven months. My wife and I do the 2-2-2 rule instead because sometimes our schedule and budget make ‘7’ difficult. It has gotten easier since Shellie told us about the sex jar. Bottom line, if you’re waiting for time to just open up to be with your spouse, that ain’t gonna happen. Schedule intimacy, including sex. Prioritizing it is better than saying you’re gonna be spontaneous and…never are.”
Paulette: “Initiate sex, dammit. When Shellie told us that men initiate sex most of the time, and then I thought about how often I used to push my husband away whenever he did it — I never really thought about how that made him feel until I put myself in his shoes. We’ve got to stop having all of this understanding for why women cheat when it comes to them not feeling desired or not getting attention when we’re the same way to our husbands. Your marriage isn’t ‘Young and the Restless’, where you’re just supposed to wait for your man to make the move. If you want to feel wanted, do the same thing for him.”
Shellie here: What’s a sex jar, you ask? You can read more about it via “5 Reasons Why Every Married Couple Needs A Sex Jar.”
3. Matthew and Gaia. Married for 17 Years.
Matthew: “Reenact some of your favorite times together. My wife and I do that semi-often. We’ll go back to where we had our first date, or we’ll go back to the hotel where we had some of the best sex before. Bringing back memories of when you felt the best together can give you the motivation to stay together to create some new memories to ‘play out’ later on.”
Gaia: “If you want to ‘mom your husband,’ you need to have kids — or at least get a dog! I didn’t realize how bossy I was until I got married. It’s because I saw my mom be that way with my dad. In my eyes, I thought that’s what love looked like until I watched how my in-laws were. They don’t try to change each other, and they definitely don’t make any demands. They’re very polite. I think a lot of married people are rude to their partner. Don’t be that.”
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4. Joseph and Carletta. Married for 10 Years.
Joseph: “Go to therapy for your childhood. I’m dead serious. No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways. If you’re at the point where you think therapy is needed, go alone and deal with your childhood first. It did miracles for me and mine.”
"No one is going to show you yourself like your wife will, and I realized that a lot of my hang-ups came from unhealed childhood stuff. It’s hard to be an adult in your marriage when you’re still emotionally a kid in a lot of ways."
Carletta: “Meditate together once a day. Even if it’s just for 5-10 minutes, you need to carve out a moment to be mindful, focus on each other, and slow the world down. [Joseph and I] have been doing it for a couple of years now; it’s totally changed the way we communicate. Meditation reminds us to put each other first; that if we’re focused on each other, we can take on…whatever.”
5. Zeke and Rachelle. Married for 12 Years.
Zeke: “An argument is not a fight and a debate is not an argument. Learn that and you’re home-free. That’s all I got.”
Rachelle: “That advice that you just got? That sums up what it’s like to live with my husband. He’s very cut-and-dry, direct, and not wordy. That used to bug the hell out of me until I realized how wordy I was and then accepted that I wouldn’t want ‘two of me’ in the house [LOL]. He’s right. You can have a difference of opinion, and it be a debate. You can not find a middle ground on something and it turns into an argument. Neither of those is a red flag. It just comes with being with someone who is as much of an individual as you are.”
6. Taurus and Madison. Married for 22 Years.
Taurus: “Be prepared for your partner to change — not a couple of times, quite a bit. And when they change, that alters the relationship because now it’s not the person you stood with on your wedding day; it’s someone else. People get divorced so much because they are inflexible; they expect their spouse to never switch up and that’s just not how life is. If you’re rigid, controlling, or don’t know how to adjust, you don’t need to marry anybody. You’re gonna be miserable, and so will they.”
Madison: “Pray before sex. Before my husband and I got married, we had quite a bit of sexual history that caused us to do some comparing, and that led to resentment. In marriage, we had to adjust to how it’s more than just what we’re getting from another person. Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred. It might sound weird at first. Just try it. I don’t think you’ll regret it at all.”
"Married sex comes with so much more spirituality and responsibility. Prayer before sex reminds us to see it from a spiritual lens — and that makes the experience more intense and sacred."
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7. Karl and LaTasha. Married for 9 Years.
Karl: “Check in with your partner twice a day. In the morning before leaving the house and at night before going to sleep. If you work outside of the home, a lot can happen during the course of one day, so you shouldn’t assume that the person you left in the morning is who you are coming home to. I don’t mean sharing each other’s schedules or to-do lists. I mean, asking your spouse, ‘How are you doing? How are you really doing?’. It’s a smart way to take note of their mood and needs so that you are never blindsided.”
LaTasha: “Give each other some privacy. I have never been the kind of woman to go through a man’s phone, and I won’t start. If you think that you have to be a detective in your relationship, why are you in it in the first place? I know that Karl would give me codes and passwords if I wanted them because we’ve talked about it all before. Knowing that he would is enough for me. Marriage is an institution, but damn, it shouldn’t feel like jail.”
8. Thomas and Wynter. Married for 15 Years.
Thomas: “Ask your partner what their sexual needs are. Never assume that they haven’t changed because if we all agree that we are constantly growing and evolving as people, why would sex be exempt? Don’t personalize what they say about it either. All of us have sexual fantasies and interests that we keep to ourselves because we don’t know what our partner will think or ‘cause we think that they will create stories in their head about what made us think that way. I’ve learned that intimacy is feeling okay with sharing the deep stuff. The more comfortable a man, especially, is with doing that, the better the sex will be for everyone because talking about stuff like that is like taking down some walls.”
Wynter: “It’s okay to take one vacation a year with your girls and one by yourself. Just don’t go with people who don’t have the same standards as you, and as far as your solo venture, it doesn’t need to be longer than a long weekend. One thing that they don’t tell you about marriage is how there are times when you will feel like it is monotonous because of the routine of everything. A girls’ trip reminds you to get back to you outside of being someone’s wife or mom, and the trip alone is when you can sit around and do whatever you have to negotiate most of them. And yes, your man should be given the same courtesy.”
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9. Allen and Yvette. Married for 11 Years.
Allen: “STOP. BRINGING. UP. OLD. SH-T. SH-T. Nothing creates walls in a marriage more than you telling someone that you forgave them, and then the minute something else happens, here you go with the rap sheet of wrongs. Forgiving someone means that you are pardoning them, and that’s not what you’re doing if you’re constantly holding stuff over their head. One thing that marriage will show you is how bad of a forgiver you are. Most people suck at it, if we’re gonna be real about it.”
Yvette: “I already know that some women are going to assume that my man must’ve done something to say all of that (LOL). He’s a much better forgiver than I am, believe it or not. The real plot twist is, what gets on his nerves more than anything, is when I bring up stuff that he’s forgiven me for. Allen is the kind of man [who] hates to live in the past. I’ve grown a lot because of that. I think my advice would be to stay focused on solutions and tomorrow instead of problems and yesterday.”
Allen: “Sh- t, that’s bars, babe!”
Shellie here: INDEED.
10. Brennton and Danyelle. Married for 16 Years.
Brennton: “Why anyone who is trash at forgiving would get married is beyond me. It’s delusional to the nth degree to think that you are worthy of forgiveness and others aren’t — or that what you do isn’t ‘as bad,’ and that’s why you deserve forgiveness and others don’t. My wife and I have a lot of time under our belts. I’m here to tell you that there will be something, daily, that you will need to forgive your partner for on some level. If you can’t see yourself being open to that, marriage simply isn’t for you.”
Danyelle: “I don’t know who taught so many of us that being passive-aggressive will get us what we want, but it’s a damn lie. If something is wrong, stop saying ‘nothing’ when your man asks you what’s up because, if you’ve got a man like mine, he’s gonna say ‘Okay’ and go on about his day. Brennton often says that my refusing to speak isn’t his responsibility, it’s mine. That used to piss me off because, deep down, I knew that he was right. Oh, and chill on the grudge-holding too. With guys, that’s not going to get you anywhere either.”
11. Christopher and Yvonne. Married for 26 Years.
Christopher: “Have more loyalty for your spouse than you do your closest friend. Too many people don’t think like that. If you’ve got a friend since college, you’ve been through some things and you’ve learned to forgive and move past it. If you can’t see your wife or husband in this way, why did you get married? You should never have more grace for someone who you didn’t take vows with; that’s ludicrous. Before anyone else, I’m going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It’s because I value her more than anyone. That’s what marriage is.”
"Before anyone else, I'm going to prioritize reconciling with my wife. It's because I value her more than anyone. That's what marriage is."
Yvonne: “Even if you’re not about ‘traditional gender roles,’ discuss what the expectations are for the home. People don’t divorce over cheating as much as getting sick of beard clippings in the bathroom sink or cars that look like pocketbooks. When you sign up for marriage, you are doing daily life with another person. Articulate your expectations. Listen to theirs. Be flexible until you both can make it work. Do that, and you’ll look up, and it’s been 20 years already.”
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Gems. Pure gems, y’all.
You know, popular consultant Barbara De Angelis once said, “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” And love? Love is a choice.
And so, whether you’re married, engaged, or simply desire marriage in the future, hopefully, these tips will help you to choose how you love your spouse (or future spouse)…better.
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