Every other week there's some new hot hair trend, and many even contradict one another to the point that it all becomes annoyingly insane. It's almost like that scene in The Wiz where the leader of Oz keeps changing the "in" color by the minute and the dancers maniacally prance and shift to keep up, causing a sense of brainwashed hysteria.
One minute natural hair is the thing. The next it's straight and wavy wigs and weaves. Then the trend shifts to short cuts and baldies. Locs have even gotten their shine---especially the faux ones. And don't get me started on chemical processes, "top" product ingredients, and coloring.
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I've become so bothered by the contradictory messages regarding which way to go with my hair that I've even come up with crazy songs to illustrate the madness.
Sing it with me, ladies: *Insert Beyonce's "Signs" melody*
Coconut, peanut, grapeseed, sesame, sunflower, mint, and lavender, oh!
Olive, argan, marula, wheat germ!
Please no grease! I love just oil!
Raise your voices and cue Beyonce's " Check Up On It" melody:
Girl why ya gotcha hair lookin' oh so dry?
Won't you come and put some grease up on it!
(Watch me put some grease up on it!)
Go on, put some grease up on it!
(Gon' and slap some grease up on it! )
Grease that scalp and moisturize it.
Grease it up tonight!
*Record scratches*
We've put our hair--and mental health--through it all. The roller coaster ride goes from "Black Is Beautiful" Afros, to the "good hair, bad hair" debate, to the dreaded creamy crack, to glued-down tracks for body and length, to sew-ins and fold-over installs, to wearing full-on fake scalps and lace frontals. Some of us have done all this in one year! (And I know I'm not the only one! Just take a look at the DMX challenge. I rest my case.)
Even research reflects that black women experience more anxiety about their hair than their white counterparts, are constantly scrutinized and discriminated against due to it, and still face social pressure to straighten it to fit in or advance.
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I mean come on! I'm tired and my hair is, too. Every time I finally get on one hair train, the hair "gurus", "influencers", and "stylists" are already on to the next one.
If you've found yourself experiencing hair loss or damage, spending your last dime at the beauty supply store, crying about your hair every week, throwing a temper tantrum at the salon, or trying to force your hair into styles that are super-uncomfy, you have hair fatigue, sis, and you need to read on.
Let's just do like Fantasia told her man to do back in the early 2000s: Go ahead and free ourselves! Here are five key steps I took in accepting my hair and finding peace:
Turn YouTube Off...For A Bit
I love all my hair influencers and how-to kitchen-ticians, but when I find myself prompted to run to the beauty supply store more than twice a month or I'm forcing my short 3C strands into styles that are damaging (like that super cute, extra-long sleek ponytail that's popular all over the Web), I fast from watching those videos.
I try to stay away from them for at least a week, and I even delete the YouTube app from my phone.
Once I've come down from that high of hair modification (which is really a manic episode of insecurity and probably a symptom of a larger issue), I write down my feelings, why that hairstyle is just not for me (and why that's OK) and go back to my mainstay carefree style: a curly, barely-threw-water-and-conditioner-in-it wash-and-go.
Start Loving--And Accepting---The Hair God Gave You
Some of us won't even let our natural hair do what it do. You want that silky "mixed chick" curl when your hair is full of gloriously thick 4C coils. You want those Lemonade braids or Passion locs when your strands can barely stand the weight of braid extensions. (Yes, that's me.) True, the natural hair movement has ushered in a lot of self-love, but it has also brought comparison syndrome and delusion.
Sis, just go with the flow. If it's humid, let the curls pop and the frizz come. If it's coily and a bit nappy---yep, I said nappy, which is not a bad word---let it be beautifully nappy. If it's loose and stringy, wear those elongated curls with pride.
I've learned to embrace products and styles that work with---not against---my hair texture, and I no longer follow trends that don't accommodate my natural crown. Some slick styles mean I'm constantly going to be re-laying baby hairs that are clearly fighting against the globs of edge control I'm attempting to force upon them. Uh, hello, sis: That's a sign to just let the baby hairs be. (Also, what's this obsession with baby hairs anyway? Some of us don't have them to begin with, but that's a whole other story. I won't digress...today.)
Choose A Fitting Protective Style---And Stick To It
I can't tell you how many times I've ripped an itchy $500 weave out of my head that I had no business getting in the first place. Again, it's all about motives and accepting reality. TBH, I hate fussing with my hair and not being able to touch my scalp. Lesson: If sewn-down wigs or weaves aren't your thing, don't invest in them. Try a protective style that does more protecting than agitating.
And you don't have to wear a wig or weave to "protect" your hair. You can easily just minimize the heat and styling of your hair with bantu knots, natural cornrows, twist-downs, or clip-ins. Add a few satin-lined hats or silky scarves to your wardrobe. Find the protective style that works for your mental health, lifestyle, and schedule, and just get great at making it last for a few weeks at a time.
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Consult A Real Expert...A Dermatologist or Licensed Stylist
Again, sorry "influencers", but it's time to give a huge nod to trained experts. One good conversation with a doc or trained (ie. licensed) cosmetologist, and your manic hair-changing days are over. I've found that talking with someone who can specifically discuss my lifestyle, health, habits, scalp, and hair type has helped me choose what's best for my hair in the long run. By doing this, you can keep the same regimen for years with no problems, and it's a bit easier to tune out the noise of trends (and uneducated opinions) when you already know what truly works for you and your hair.
Besides, all those hair-type generalizations can be wasteful banter for someone, for example, who has a mixture of more than one type, is pregnant, lives in a place with dry, hot weather most of the year, and just started a new job. The products and practices that work for that person might not work for the next sis. A great licensed professional who can suggest ingredients or products that meet your current hair and scalp needs is a God-send.
Save The Higher Maintenance Styles For Special Occasions
OK, OK, so I can't just blame influencers and marketers for my manic hair habits. I've also used the excuse that I just like to change my hair so often because I get bored easily and want to keep my hair fresh and laid. The older I get, the less inclined I am to believe that lie. Wasting time and money in a salon only to become frustrated with a style that isn't well-suited for everyday---or even weekly---maintenance just doesn't make much sense anymore.
I still like to feed my creative side---and keep things laid and slayed---but I now save certain styles for weddings, vacations, and stuntin' situations like class reunions. I've stopped trying to live like a celebrity---changing my hairstyle like I have Kim Kimble on speed dial and Beyonce's beauty budget. Instead, I focus on other things that bring me joy and a long-term return on investment like putting money into my budding business, studying for my graduate-level coursework, budgeting for travel adventures, and prioritizing my wellness. Hey, what's a good hairdo worth if the mind under it is all messed up?
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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