

I only have a brother and he doesn't have any children (yet). So, although I don't have any blood nieces or nephews, I do have what I call "love nieces and nephews". Whenever we have Auntie-Shellie-n-them time, something I mention (at least every third conversation) is "A bad platonic friend can do far worse damage than a bad girlfriend or boyfriend can ever do." I know from which I speak because, while growing up, I had a female friend who was one of the worst things to happen to me, to date. It took years for me to break free from her toxicity, but if I were to summarize what she was in one sentence, it's this—she was an extremely emotionally abusive individual.
There are a dozen times a dozen reasons why being in an emotionally abusive friendship is so problematic. But one of the main problems is it can put cracks (if not straight-up potholes) into the foundation of how you think all relationships should be. I say this because, if you want your relationships to be healthy, they all should be rooted in friendship.
Unfortunately, because this is the kind of topic that is not addressed as much as it should be, a lot of us don't realize the deep wounds we have due to some of the current emotional abuse that certain "friends" inflict upon us or the scars (which result in our hardheartedness) that remain because of past emotional abuse.
If you're wondering if some of the discomfort you're currently experiencing with a few of your friends might have to do with the emotional abuse they're dishing out that you haven't be fully aware of, here are some clear signs that that's exactly what's going on.
Signs You're In An Emotionally Abusive Friendship
1.You’re Constantly Walking on Eggshells in Their Presence
A couple of days ago, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about how one of their friends can never receive criticism. While they are able to easily dish out boatloads of it, when someone calls them out on their stuff, they either go on the attack or they think their friend isn't being very supportive.
The immediate thought that comes to mind when I think about these kinds of individuals is they probably have some deep-rooted childhood or adolescent issues that need to be addressed. Chances are, their parents were verbally, mentally or emotionally abusive in their delivery, which has caused them to become hyper-sensitive. Or, they are narcissistic, perhaps, without really realizing it (some signs of narcissism including being arrogant, extremely prideful, having a sense of entitlement, being selfish and they aren't very empathetic).
People who are like this aren't looking for the kind of friendships that will help them to grow into better people. They merely want folks around them who will make them feel like they are awesome, flawless even, all of the time. Oh, and they also like individuals who act like they can't survive without their insight and guidance. This combination typically results in you having to walk on eggshells in their presence.
Friendships should be a place where you can fully express yourself. If this sounds foreign to you or you've got a friend who penalizes you for being real—or being real with them—this is another indication that you probably have an emotionally abusive situation on your hands.
2.Their Needs Are the Only Ones That Really Matter
Last year sometime, I penned a piece about a best friend who ghosted me. What really tripped me out about it is she had the balls to do it after a few years of holding her hand through an affair (an affair she was having). When I confronted her about how toxic the situation was and how poorly she had been treating me throughout it, that's when she got ghost. Wow. Just wow.
Now that I've had some (more) time to heal and process, something that I realize is, during the last five or so years of our friendship, everything was about her and her needs. The moment I expressed that I actually had some of my own, all of a sudden, we had problems.
No friendship is healthy when it's not rooted in mutual respect and constant reciprocity. If you've got a friendship that only works because you're the one working it, to a certain degree, yes…you are in an emotionally abusive situation.
3.They’re Controlling and/or Manipulative
Some of us have been controlled and manipulated for so long, we don't even know what signs to look for. I'll give you some. Signs of being controlled by a friend include them—making you feel bad for not thinking or acting like they do; constantly making plans in the friendship without taking your own wants or feelings into consideration; making you feel guilty for not sharing all of your life's details; inserting themselves into areas of your life where you did not invite them and/or them not asking you things but them making demands instead.
Signs of manipulation? Emotional instability. Constantly creating drama. Gaslighting you. Having a lack of respect for your personal, emotional or relational boundaries. Refusing to take personal accountability and responsibility for their offenses and mistakes. Only reaching out when they need something.
Yeah, this emotionally abusive friendship thing is more common than you thought, huh? I feel you.
4.They’re Not Trustworthy
Recently, I was talking to a sistah friend about someone we mutually know. When she asked me why I didn't feel comfortable getting closer to this individual, I told her that she simply didn't seem to be very trustworthy.
While on the surface, a lot of us define trustworthiness as someone who we can trust with our business and secrets, it actually goes deeper than that. A trustworthy person is genuine. A trustworthy person is consistent (including when it comes to their moods). A trustworthy person empathetic, compassionate and they operate from a place of integrity.
When you're in a friendship with someone who is trustworthy, you can be totally confident that they have your back whether they are in or out of your presence. However, when you're in a "friendship" with someone who isn't, you never really feel totally at ease or safe.
5.They Never Make Mistakes but They Think You Make a Ton of ‘Em
That former best friend that I mentioned earlier? Something that was a constant about her is she had a reason, excuse, justification or all three for every poor choice that she made. So much to the point that I don't think she really believed that she did anything wrong. Oh, but when I did something she didn't like, either she would go weeks without speaking (you know, she'd take the passive aggressive route) or berate me about it.
A good friend is gonna call you out and be open to being called out. You both will trust each other enough to allow that to happen. At the same time, they will also support you as you slip up along the way, encourage you as you learn from your mistakes and affirm you so that you will gain even more confidence to pick yourself up and move forward—as you do the same for them.
If this is a foreign concept in one or more of your friendships, well…there's a motto that I think you should immediately start applying to your life—I will bloom whether you water me or not. I saw this on a T-shirt. Cop one so that you can start to gas your own self up to set some much-needed boundaries with your friend because if they are always right and you are always wrong, not only is your friendship unhealthy, you are being emotionally abused as well.
6.You Never Really Know Where You Stand
Hurt people hurt people. We've all heard that before. Personally, I think part of the reason why certain folks are abusive in their friendships is because they are emotionally unstable within. And how can you really feel safe with an emotionally unstable person? They're the ones who are hot (really nice to you) one moment and cold (literally freezing you out) the next. They're also the ones who claim that you're their bestie one day and then (usually due to something you have no clue about) they stop talking to you.
Emotionally unstable people tend to have all kinds of cracks in their foundation, making it hard to build anything real, long or lasting with them. If you just read that sentence and someone's name immediately came to mind, I don't have to say it, do I? Yep. On some level, you're probably involved with an emotionally abusive friend. Bless your heart. Know that you know, it's time to be a friend to yourself and, at the very least, set some new boundaries. And best, get out of it. Stat.
Want more stories like this? Check out these related xoNecole reads:
3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist
Being A People-Pleaser Taught Me The Power Of The Word "No"
My Father Taught Me Love Is A Hell Of A Drug
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life
Featured image by Getty Images
- Subtle Signs Your Friend Doesn't Like You - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Learn The Signs Of Gaslighting In Friendships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Know the Signs: Spotlight on Isolation from Friends and Family ... ›
- Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship - The Atlantic ›
- Signs Your Best Friend Is Verbally Abusive | HealthyPlace ›
- Signs your friend is in an emotionally abusive relationship ... ›
- Is Your Friendship Toxic? | Psychology Today ›
- 8 Signs Your Friendship Might Be Abusive - Everyday Feminism ›
- 7 Signs Of Emotional Abuse In A Relationship, Marriage Or Friendship ›
- 17 Signs You're In An Abusive “Friendship” | Thought Catalog ›
- 17 Signs You're In An Abusive “Friendship” | Thought Catalog ›
- 6 Warning Signs That Your Friendship is Abusive ›
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Luxury Hairstylist On Viral 'Hey Boo' Texts & Professionalism In The Hair Industry
As Black women, our hair is our crowning glory - whether we paid for it or not. We take pride in how we wear and take care of our hair. As with everything, hair care and hair styling have evolved over the years. Long gone are the days of Blue Magic (although I hear it’s making a comeback).
Now, we have a plethora of creams, oils, conditioners, shampoos, and stylists to choose from. Beyond wearing our natural curls, we have a range of options, from wigs and sew-ins to tape-ins, I-tips, and K-tips. So much choice! But you know what they say about too much of a good thing...
The Black hair industry has definitely blossomed in the last decade with a wave of new stylists and salons popping up all over the place. As much as I love that for us, many of these stylists have become the subjects of viral TikTok and Instagram tirades because of their alleged questionable behavior and bizarre rules.
Excessive policies, strange fees, long wait times, poor performance, and the infamous “Hey boo” texts. Beauty is pain, they say… xoNecole got to the root of these issues with luxury hair extensionist Dee Michelle, who’s been in the hair game for 20 years and runs a seven-figure business - all while being a mom of four.
Antonio Livingston
“I started my business with my career in the hair industry [at] very, very young age when I was maybe like eight...So, over the years, I've just built a very successful seven-figure business very quickly just by offering high-end services and creating great experiences for my clients, many of whom are high-profile professionals,” she said. “I'm also a mother of four, including a set of triplets, which inspires me daily to show what's possible with my hard work and focus.”
Dee’s business has gone viral on social media because of what many call outrageous prices for her invisible K-Tip installs.
“When I developed my invisible K-tip extensions technique, I made sure that it wasn't just about the hair or the style, but about providing a high-end experience from start to finish. So, my clients just aren't paying for the extensions or just the style itself, but they're investing into my meticulous, seamless craft and premium hair sourced from the best suppliers…I've spent so many hours mastering my craft, creating this seamless method that gives my clients long-lasting natural results, and my pricing just reflects that - the value of my expertise and the exclusivity of the service.”
The K-tip specialist stands on business when it comes to catering to her clients and giving them an experience worth the cost.
“And it's just important for me to also say that my clients are high-profile individuals who value quality, their privacy, and their time. They want a service that fits into their lifestyle and their time. They want things that deliver perfection. And I deliver that every single time.”
I’m sure we’ve all seen the various TikTok rants about people’s nightmare experiences with stylists and uttered a silent “FELT!” We asked Dee her opinion on a few nightmare scenarios that beg the response, “please be so forreal."
On stylists charging extra to wash clients’ hair:
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
“I think they should just include it in the price, to be honest. Because I feel like when clients go to a stylist, they're expecting you to wash their hair. Personally, if I see that washing is extra, I just wouldn't go to the salon because it just shows a lack of professionalism, in my opinion, and a lack of experience.”
On ‘deposits’ that don’t go towards the cost of the service:
“I think that's kind of weird, too, for deposits to not be like a part of the service. I've seen people have booking fees and I just don't understand it, to be honest. I disagree with that kind of policy…By all means, people should do what works for them, but to me, it doesn't make sense. Why does somebody have to pay a fee just to book an appointment with you? I don't get it. It feels like exploitation.”
On stylists charging extra to style (straighten/curl) wigs, sew-ins etc., after installing:
“I don't get it. Clients come to us to get their hair done, to get it styled. So why is it extra for you to style it? If you're going to charge extra, just increase your price. I feel like it could be just a lack of confidence in those stylists, feeling like people won't pay a certain price for certain things, or just their lack of professionalism as well, because people are coming to us to get styled.”
On the infamous “Hey boo” text stylists send to clients when they need to cancel/reschedule:
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
“Professionalism in any industry, especially the beauty industry, is everything. So texting a client the, “Hey boo” is so unprofessional, and it's damaging to the client-stylist relationship. Clients book their appointments expecting a level of respect and care, especially when they're investing their time and money and a service. And I get it, emergencies happen, we're all humans. However, it should be done with a formal apology and a clear explanation.”
We know all too well what kinds of things will keep us from ever gracing certain hairstylists’ chairs with our butts again. So, what should hairstylists do to provide a good service to their clients? What is good hairstylist etiquette?
“For one, being on time is an important rule for stylist etiquette. It's just not okay to require your clients to be on time, and you're not on time. Also, communication. Being able to communicate clearly, respectfully, and professionally, whether that's in person, via text, or on social media. Style is etiquette. Appearance matters. So just maintaining a clean, polished, and professional look. Clients respect you more whenever your appearance reflects your work. There's just so many things, but another thing I would say is active listening. So, being able to pay close attention to what your client wants and also clarifying any questions that they might have. Just to ensure that they feel heard and to minimize any misunderstandings.”
Dee also shared some red flags to look out for when considering a new stylist.
“Even me as a client, if I'm booking somebody and they have a long list of rules, I don't even book with them. That's, for one, just such a huge turn-off. Also, stylists who have inconsistent or unclear pricing, that's a red flag. People who change their rates too much without an explanation. Poor communication. So, if a stylist is responding very slow or responding unprofessionally, or giving vague answers to questions, that can make clients question whether or not they are respecting their time and their needs.
Another red flag - an inconsistent or low quality portfolio. And I feel like, I see this a lot with stylists stealing other people's work, and their portfolio on social media is just very inconsistent.”
We couldn’t let Dee go without getting the tea on what styles she predicts will trend in 2025.
“I feel like people are going back to natural-looking styles. So, a lot of people are ditching the wigs, the lace fronts, things like that. People are still wearing them, of course, but it is becoming more of a trend to embrace your natural hair and something that's not looking too fake. That’s one thing that we're going to be seeing a lot. I would say a lot of layers are coming back, heavy layers. Those are becoming really, really trendy. And people are leaning more towards platinum-colored hair. I've been seeing lots of like blondes coming out. Also, jet black is always going to be a trend. But I would say more like natural colors, but natural colors that are still making a statement.”
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Feature image by Antonio Livingston.
With Valentine's Day rapidly approaching, different shades of pinks and reds are heavy in rotation. And even though red lipstick is a bold statement no matter the time of year, this season in particular places a special emphasis on the timeless beauty staple. What says confidence and allure more than a red lip?
Vying for a place as your go-to red lipstick shade is The Lip Bar's latest release, "Good Karma," a warm rust-brown red lippie formulated with melanin-rich skin in mind. Finding the right red lipstick can be a game-changer when you're looking to make a statement, find your signature, or turn heads. And the beauty of dark skin means that the versatility of reds we can rock is limitless.
From rust-red or brick shades for warm undertones to intense reds, berry reds, or deep wine and true reds, melanin-rich skin has a richness to it that translates to a range of reds popping beautifully against our various skin tones. If you've been on the hunt for your one true pairing when it comes to the ultimate red lipstick shade, look no further than our list of Black-owned beauty brands.
The Best Red Lipsticks for Deep Skin Tones
"Good Karma" x The Lip Bar
"Good Karma"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: Following in the footsteps of The Lip Bar's "Bawse Lady," aka their #1 red matte lippie, "Good Karma" is a warm rust-brown red liquid matte that applies like a gloss and has all-day staying power.
"Elson 2" x Pat McGrath Labs
"Elson 2"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: Nicknamed "The Perfect Red," Pat McGrath Labs' "Elson 2" is a beauty lover staple and stays sold out. With its luxurious, highly pigmented formula and velvety smooth finish, this red lipstick delivers on its promise of pure color and then some.
"Sade" x UOMA Beauty
"Sade"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: UOMA Beauty knew what they were doing with their line of "Badass Icon Matte Lipstick" inspired by badass icons across generations. Talk about timeless elegance, "Sade" is a deep, balanced red that goes on as smoothly and wears as divinely as its namesake.
"Fierce" x Juvia's Place
"Fierce"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: "Fierce" is a standout in Juvia's Place's carefully curated Reds and Berries Velvety Matte Lipstick collection. The shades prove the beauty brand has the range when it comes to shades that have deep skin tones in mind and "Fierce"'s burgundy-red pigmentation is no exception.
"Blood Orange" x Mented Cosmetics
"Blood Orange"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: As a part of Mented Cosmetics' Sangria collection, the vibrant red-orange "Blood Orange" shade is a standout amongst the liquid matte lippies, offering a perfect pop of color that's not too soft and not too bold.
"Uncensored" x Fenty Beauty
"Uncensored"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: The Stunna Lip Paint in "Uncensored" by Fenty Beauty is a universally flattering true red that stuns on all skin tones, no matter the undertone. Bold, long-lasting, and kissably smooth, "Uncensored" is that red lipstick.
"Uno Love" x GloGirlCosmetics
"Uno Love"
Finish: Satin
Why It's a Winner: "Uno Love" is a fiery red lipstick shade with coral undertones that dares those who wear it to "live out loud." Enriched with vitamin E, the formula packs the pigment while ensuring your pout stays deeply nourished.
"Dare" x Wyn Beauty
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: A ruby-red shade that is as hydrating as it is long-lasting, Wyn Beauty's "Dare" is a shade designed to keep your lips feeling soft while making an unapologetically bold statement.
"Rich AF" x LYS Beauty
"Rich AF"
Finish: Matte
Why It's a Winner: "Rich AF" is LYS Beauty's take on a classic red. This highly pigmented formula delivers bold color with one swipe while keeping lips nourished and soft for all-day wear.
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