I usually don't partake in these online challenges. I try my best not to fall into the trap of the social-media sunken place. Since I've labeled this the year of "firsts", I decided to participate in a challenge for the very first time. Surprisingly, I was no longer hesitant about it. I've reached a point in my life where I'm more comfortable explaining my story to people and being more vulnerable. Once I feel like I'm on the right path, I'm reminded that I have another opportunity at life and that I am indeed a work in progress. I can say that I'm thankful and proud of not being where I used to be.
What I admired about xoNecole's 7-day Self-Love Challenge was that it forced me to think outside of the box and informed me that my life isn't as bad as I thought.
With Necole and the editors' blessings, I've decided to be the brave soul to share what this challenge meant to me. Thank you, in advance, ladies.
Day 1: Create a list of all the things that bring you happiness, joy, or peace. Do one thing from the list today or this week.
I was so excited about this challenge that I dove in head first. I made it a point to keep a list of all the things I love to do. Many joys in life don't cost a thing, but how they make you feel is priceless.
Since I've trained my mind to always think about what brings me joy and happiness, this list didn't take long to complete. Again, this was a steady reminder that I am on the right path.
After stepping back and re-reading my list, I decided to pull out a few I wrote five months ago to compare and contrast my interests. The first list displayed things I thought I would enjoy but had never tried. I would add ideas and activities that seemed fun to the list in hopes I would be able to accomplish those things at a later date. I wasn't realistic with myself. With another list, I asked myself, "What makes me smile?" and I could equate a smile with peace and enjoyment.
Day 2: Write 10 positive sentences that start with 'I AM.' Record yourself reading them to replay when you're feeling unsure.
It's one thing to create a list in your head and whisper it to yourself. It's another to write it out and post it on social media. I'm not one to display those types of things publicly but after writing out statements, I felt they now became powerful. To read and recite my strengths was a beautiful moment. It reminded me that I'm multifaceted, and I would be doing myself a disservice if I was just one way. My statements made me feel so proud of the progress I'd made over the past two years.
This is something that I'll refer to on the days I don't feel so powerful. I felt like I was double blessed on day two: I helped myself and others.
Day 3: Capture a selfie without retaking it. Post on social media and caption it with one of the sentences from Day 2.
Image via Teisha Leshae
I am a person who knows her angles and what filters to use, but to risk it all and just trust the first picture didn't seem like an option. I have to take at least eight and choose at least two out of the eight.
After I took the picture, my mind drifted into a negative space, ripping myself apart about how I think I should look to the public. After I let one negative comment slip through my lips, I caught myself and just posted the photo. The person I saw in the photo was someone I didn't recognize for a moment. For so long, I'd done certain things just to "look presentable".
Looking at my selfie helped me become more mindful of my physical presence. If I cared a little more each day, I felt more content. The week after the challenge, I started to eliminate certain foods from my diet. Avoiding overindulging and saying "no" made me feel great.
Day 4: Call a friend and tell them how much you appreciate them in your life.
This day was a quick reminder that I don't have any friends. I've attempted to be a good friend to people I've met throughout my life, but unfortunately, none stuck around long enough. As much as I have become aware of my personal growth and development, I've always wanted to be surrounded by a group of women I love and respect. On day four of this challenge, that wasn't the case.
Realizing I had no one to call, I wanted to give up on the problem. If I'm not able to complete the tasks, then I should save myself the heartbreak. I thought about who to call over the next few days and realized there was one person who I hadn't heard from in a while---someone who's much younger but very mature. That person is my younger sister who is in college. The hour-long conversation was much-needed.
After having a tough week, it felt good to laugh and talk to someone who has the same unconditional love I have for her as she has for me. Now, whether it be over the phone or our many Starbucks trips, we always find a way to have a fun time.
Day 5: Treat yourself to breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Order delivery, cook for yourself, or dine out.
I'm not a foodie but if I find myself craving something, I make sure I eat it. Mexican food is my favorite. Some people call them Mexican restaurants, but those of us who live in Southern California call them taco shops. I love anything wrapped in a tortilla, so I purchased my go-to meal: a carne asada burrito with rice and beans on the side. I usually order my food to go, but on that particular day I decided to dine in. (When you eat in, you also get to enjoy one of the best chips-and-salsa combinations.) I took my time and enjoyed every bite. It felt like heaven in my mouth.
Day 6: Forgive yourself for a mistake you haven't made peace with. Write down some things you can do better next time.
Surprisingly, this one was tough. With my numerous homework assignments from my therapist, I thought I'd forgiven myself for all of the mistakes I'd made. I currently don't regret anything.
But if I had to choose, it would be giving energy to people who I knew wouldn't be a good fit in my life. I've entertained a handful of people knowing that I shouldn't have in the first place. I knew these individuals didn't align with my morals, values, and energy. This led to being forced to hold on to a memory that shouldn't have been a memory in the first place. I've wasted my time and the time of others. I've allowed my boredom to get the best of me.
The only way to avoid this ever happening again is to regularly check myself. Check-in with my mood and my headspace before inviting people into my space. I never want to choose out of desperation.
Day 7: Disconnect from social media for the day. Be mindful of how much more in the moment you are.
I couldn't honestly disconnect completely. Out of all my social media platforms, I've enjoyed Instagram the most. I'm mindful of who I follow, so I somewhat call Instagram a happy escape. I follow inspirational people and pages that start my day and week on the right foot. I've been so content in who I am as a person that I haven't allowed what others do on social media dictate how I feel.
However, for this day, I scrolled less and redirected my energy into something else. I made it a point to only check my social media three times, which seemed more manageable for me than completely disconnecting.
(How else am I supposed to laugh at my favorite memes?) I think it's best to do what works for me. I've found myself being more intentional about making myself unavailable to certain people.
Overall, I'm pleased to have done this challenge. The take-away was that I'm not as bad as I think. I've been focusing on the paint and not precisely the painting. The challenge gave me a chance to stop and reset. It also allowed me to meditate on new goals and future challenges. Since participating, I've encouraged others to do the same. It was a simple reminder that in order to receive the love we want, we have to make it a point to love ourselves the same way we would want others to love us.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
7 Unapologetic Women Share Their Self-Love Journey
A Breakup Led Me To True Self-Love
Why I No Longer Believe In The Phrase 'Love Yourself Or Nobody Will'
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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1. Go All Out with the Christmas Décor
GiphyThere is someone I know who is so obsessed with Christmas, she’s damn near annoying-borderline-terrifying. I’m. Not. Kidding. Yet hey, if you’re going to do a holiday-themed staycation (emphasis on “holiday-themed”), that’s kind of how you’ve got to be. Some décor ideas include:
- A fresh Christmas tree (is the most ideal) that is ultimately decorated
- Wreaths on outside and inside doors
- Garland (with twinkle lights) in predictable and unpredictable places
- Poinsettias
- Mistletoes
- Snow globes
- A stocking (with some of your favorite things in it)
- Fake snow
- Stars
- Angels
- Candy canes
- A BLACK Santa (LOL)
I mean, since you are going to be spending a lot of time at home, it can feel like a mini-winter wonderland if you are intentional about doing more decorating to your living space than you ever have before!
2. Buy a Couple of Christmas-Themed PJs
GiphyWhile I was doing some research on a totally different topic, I happened upon an article that talked about the psychology behind why we should be intentional about what we wear to bed. When you stop to think about the fact that (hopefully) you are sleeping somewhere between 6-8 hours every night, it would make sense that things like the color and fabric of your sleepwear would have a real impact on you — even subconsciously.
Well, when it comes to Christmas décor, specifically, not only does it take you back to nostalgic memories, it can also boost your moods. So, aside from being on-10 with your Christmas décor, also invest in some Christmas-themed PJs. Since you’re going to be doing a lot of lounging around (RIGHT?), do it in something that makes you think about all of your favorite things about this time of year.
3. Cop Some Christmas-Scented Candles
GiphyThere really is no telling how many articles that I’ve written where I am singing the praises of scented soy candles. Candles are soothing, comforting and a very easy way to reduce stress. Also, since it gets darker quicker and for a longer period of time around this time of the year, candles provide a relaxing vibe to your home. Since it is Christmastime, go with scents that are reminiscent of the season:
- Cinnamon
- Vanilla
- Cranberry
- Apple
- Pine
- Frankincense and Myrrh
- Peppermint
- Cashmere
- Ginger(bread)
- Orange
- Sugar Cookies
- Sandalwood
- Cloves
- Cedarwood
- (Hot) Chocolate
Personally, one of my favorite candle companies is Goose Creek. Their signature collections will have your entire house smelling like a high-end bakery. No exaggeration.
4. Play Some Winter-Themed ASMR Sounds
GiphyI’m from Nebraska and my mother was a New Yorker. So, if there is one thing that I like, it’s seasons and that includes snow during wintertime. Unfortunately, Nashville is cray-cray when it comes to that. If, where you live, the weather is all over the place too (which is why I think it’s insane that some people still give pushback to global warming) and you would like for it to at least seem like you are in your own winter wonderland — invest in some fake snow to strategically place around your home.
Oh, and don’t forget to turn on some winter-themed ASMR sounds too. YouTube has videos that run for hours on end that feature blizzards and howling winds that really can make you feel like you are in the midst of an ice storm.
5. Host a Holiday Movie Marathon
GiphyOne thing to remember about a staycation is it doesn’t mean that you have to be alone or that the only people who can participate are the ones who live with you. Since a staycation is simply about staying close to home instead of traveling afar — absolutely consider having some of your favorite people over for a holiday-themed movie marathon. Shoot, Black America Web even did you a solid by publishing “25 Best Black Christmas Movies Of All Time;” plus, Tubi has a Black holiday hits section of indie films too.
Oh, and make sure to get creative with the Christmas-themed snacks. Some ideas? Some Kentucky-fried turkey tenders with cranberry hot sauce (recipe here), some Holiday Hot Spinach Dip (recipe here), some Grinch Kabobs (recipe here), some roasted pecans (recipe here) and some Pomegranate Guacamole (recipe here).
6. Spend a Night (or Two) at a Hotel or Vacation House
GiphyJust like you don’t have to be alone during a staycation, you also don’t have to be cooped up in your house the entire time. Get a change of scenery in your own city by spending the night in a hotel that you’ve always wanted to try out or renting a vacation house for you and some of your folks to hang out in during the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day. I have a “love little sister” who does this randomly when she needs a break from her work as a therapist. She says that it’s damn near like taking a trip (and she has PLENTY of passport stamps; trust me).
7. Have Brunch or Dinner at a Christmas-Themed Restaurant
GiphyIf nothing puts a bigger smile on your face than the thought of DoorDashing meals and barely even touching your stove during your staycation — hey, I am right there with you. Do consider going out to brunch or dinner during your chill time, though. It’s another way to bond with people and create some current holiday memories. And if you’ve got a bae and you opt for dinner, it can be a wonderful type of Christmas-themed date.
8. Go to a Holiday-Themed Concert
GiphyBeing that I got my start as an entertainment writer, hear me when I say that I’m not someone who just has to go to a live concert every chance that I get. Oh, but baby, when I saw that El DeBarge was doing a City Winery tour and he was going to be here right before Christmas — I booked myself a ticket quick, fast and in a super-duper hurry! Shoot, I didn’t even want to go with someone because I plan to give him and that falsetto voice of his my complete and undivided attention. LOL.
I don’t know what it is about the holiday season that makes live music that much more enjoyable — but if there is a concert that features one of your favorite artists happening right through here, consider that to be a cool way to “tour your city” while cultivating a really awesome memory at the same time.
9. Also, Go Ice Skating
GiphyOne of my fondest memories of time with my father is going ice skating. We actually would do it in the summer (because that is when I would visit him) and, every year, he would get me a new ice skating outfit. Even now, when I watch someone ice skate (even in movies; like in the classic movie Garden State), I will have warm fuzzies.
Anyway, if you’ve never been before, go. If it’s been forever since you have, also go. There is something that is very sweet and so signature Christmas about it. Plus, it’s a top-tier form of exercise.
10. Take a Christmas Lights Tour
GiphyAnother one of my favorite Christmas memories is driving through neighborhoods and looking at the Christmas lights. And just like a Christmas concert can be a form of hometown touring, so can doing this if you decide to choose a couple of areas where you’ve never really been or rarely frequent.
Now are you excited about the thought of experiencing a holiday-themed staycation?
I thought you would be. ENJOY!
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