I grew up in a home not knowing what a healthy and loving relationship looked like. And I know countless other women may have experienced the same. The same goes for men too. We gravitate towards partners that resemble what we know or what seemed to be normal when it never was. The saying is true - what is not healed in your childhood later affects your adult relationships.
We ignore red flags, settle for yellow flags, and most times miss all the green flags when it comes to dating. Why? Because it's a feeling that is foreign and doesn't register as normal. So, we run towards toxicity and ignore the signs of what a healthy relationship may look like. And I was definitely the type to stay longer than I should in a relationship that wasn't for me. But my dating standards have leveled up. I learned the lessons and cut my losses.
The problem is we don't speak enough about what green flags are in a relationship. It's almost as if green flags are a rarity and hard to come by.
Because of social media, we have become hyperaware of nothing but red flags. And we now live in a world where we label almost any and all human behavior as "toxic". But this logic is hella flawed and can't be true. We can't just be out here labeling all men or some women as "toxic" or "ain't shit". C'mon now. But I'm going to stop here because that's a different conversation and a different article for another day.
But when you think of good or bad signs in general, we often think of universal signs, or we revert to what we learned as children. Traffic light colors. We all know red means "stop", "danger", or "warning". Yellow means "proceed with caution" or "slow down". And green flags mean you're "safe" or "good to go". As remedial as it sounds, this same concept applies when it comes to dating and relationships.
Not only do you need to know what type of personality traits you want in a partner, but you have to know what healthy relationship behavior is too. He or she can be charming and successful, but their habits or how they handle daily life can be detrimental. Here are some examples of red flags, green flags, and yellow flags (it's an actual thing) in relationships that you should know, and look for when dating, or choosing to get serious with somebody's son or somebody's daughter.
Red Flags In Relationships
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Red flags in relationships are signs that let you know that something isn't quite right. It's often a response, interaction, or behavior that leads to you question your partner and/or the relationship. And if you have to question it the first time, it's going to be a problem the second, third, and fourth time. This is where we fuck up. We don't listen to what our intuition is trying to tell us. According to a UK outlet, The Independent, a red flag in a relationship is defined as "something your partner does that indicates a lack of respect, integrity or interest towards the relationship."
Now, these signs of a red flag can vary, but it also depends on what you are willing to tolerate. Read that again. Some of us stay with partners because we're just not aware of unhealthy habits or behaviors.
Sheleana Aiyana, founder of Rising Woman on Instagram, shares some of the red flags you should look for when dating or consider before entering a relationship:
If any of these red flags exist in the person you are currently dating or in your relationship, you need to run the other way and/or amicably end it. I ignored all these signs in a past relationship, but I didn't know any better. I now know about non-negotiables in relationships. And it has been a game-changer. I know exactly what I won't tolerate and what identifies as a red flag for me.
Green Flags In Relationships
Now, let's talk about all things healthy in relationships. According to Nedra Tawwab, green flags in relationships are:
...up-front indicators that you're in a relationship that's worth continuing and nurturing. A new relationship full of green flags is a relationship in which you will probably be able to let down your guard and be your truest self.
Green flags are the complete opposite of red flags. What this means is that you won't have to question your partner's actions. You won't have to feel guarded or tolerate repeated behaviors that make you feel a certain way. It means they are willing to show up as a partner and be present in the relationship. It also means that the relationship is equally a safe space for both of you.
Nedra Tawwab and Sheleana Aiyana share some of the green flags to look for to cultivate a healthy relationship:
These are the healthy behaviors we want in not just a romantic relationship, but any relationship. Remember, love flows - it makes your heart expand. It makes your soul grow. What love doesn't do is make you feel small or constricted.
Yellow Flags In Relationships
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OK, yes. Yellow flags are real. It's the things we don't necessarily pay attention to about a person, but we should. These types of relationship flags are not deal-breakers, but they are signs that scream, "I don't know about this," or "That's weird." Yellow flags are also considered a behavior that can be acknowledged and worked on. But more importantly, you need to figure out if the behavior exhibited by your partner is a trigger for you.
According to an article from Medium and The Love Brain, some yellow flags to be aware of in a potential partner are:
- Major debt. Everyone has some type of debt, but how someone handles their finances can be revealing about their money habits or level of responsibility.
- Indecisiveness. The ability to make life decisions is important. If one is not capable of making decisions about their own life, you may not want to keep rocking with them.
- Opinionless. Communication is key in any relationship. So, if a partner can't communicate their opinions to you, either they are not comfortable enough with you to share their thoughts or they don't have thoughts to share.
- Never had a long-term relationship. It's not a major yellow flag, but it could shed light on commitment issues.
- An ex is always why a past relationship failed. If someone always blames their ex for their relationship not working out, this means that they refuse to take any accountability for their actions or they are victimizing themselves.
- Different life plans. Again, it's not a bad thing, but if you and your partner can't meet in the middle about your life plans, then you may want to consider parting ways.
- Details about their personal life are left out. This is dependent on the stage of the relationship you are in, but if a partner can't open up with you in time it's grounds for concern. It could potentially mean he or she is hiding things from you.
- Highly insecure. It's never cool to have a partner who lacks confidence and who constantly seeks reassurance. It becomes emotionally exhausting. And if they're not willing to work on becoming a secure person, you might have cut ties too.
- Where are their friends? A healthy individual has a network of close friends. If someone doesn't have friends or you haven't met their friends, it could mean they have trouble maintaining close relationships. Also, the type of company your partner keeps can give you insight into who they are.
Some of the yellow and red flags mentioned seem like things you normally would pay attention to upfront. But let me just say, not all yellow flags are as obvious and some of us are still learning how to date. This is where your list of non-negotiables comes into play. Study them like it's the Bible or a college textbook. This way, when you're dating someone, and they say something or respond a certain way, the yellow flag will become more apparent.
I missed every single yellow and red flag in a past relationship. I was so blindly in love that I thought we could just move past these little issues or eventually grow together. I was clearly in denial. But it's OK. Because now I know what green flags are and what traits or behaviors create a healthy relationship.
And my only hope is that we learn to say deuces to red flags, pass on the yellow flags, and embrace the ones who come with all the green flags.
Because in the end, this is who you want - a life partner that is a safe space and more.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Yeah, Merry Christmas. LOL.
1. Don’t Lie to Yourself
GiphyWhenever I watch a video of someone going on and on about how quick they are to cut someone off for something that they said or did (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”), one of the first things that comes to my mind is the fact that they should be sure to extend the amount of grace and mercy that they would like to receive someday because life indeed has a way of boomeranging.
In fact, while we’re here, THIS is ACTUALLY what the Good Book means when it says to “Judge not” because if you actually think that God is down with no one being held accountable…umm, what kind of sense does THAT make? Yeah, if you read those set of Scriptures in their entirety (Matthew 7:1-6), it says that how you judge is how you will be judged — oh, and that the area that you are judging others in, you should probably have it cleaned up in your own life first.
And what does all of this have to do with lying to yourself? Well, ain’t it wild how something that most people say they have zero tolerance for is a liar — meanwhile, many of those same folks are lying to their own selves? Signs of that: you see things through rose-colored glasses; you constantly justify your own poor behavior; you let people walk all over you, all the while believing that “taking abuse” will prompt them to change; you rarely heed good advice, and/or you contradict yourself a lot.
Now ponder what I just said and then think about how you act around your family. If any of those points apply, the first thing that you need to work on is being honest with your own self about the habits that you need to break as it relates to dealing with your relatives. For instance, if you know that your aunt is disrespectful as hell, stop telling yourself that this year will be different. Or if you’re close to being a basket case at the thought of dealing with your overbearing in-laws, hit up a mentor or a therapist beforehand for some interaction tips…then actually take what they say seriously.
Moral to the story: the quicker that you are real with yourself about what you are getting yourself into when it comes to your peeps, the easier it will be to deal with whatever comes your way.
2. Accept the Reality of What Your Family Is
GiphyEven though I can do a hard pass on holidays (pretty much any holiday), I do enjoy holiday movies. I think it’s because this is the time of year when there is less violence, sex and ridiculousness on tubes and screens; for the most part, everything simply feels…safer to watch. Anyway, a movie that I saw on Tubi that I thought was super cute is called A Verry Merry Hood Christmas.
One of the things that I liked the most about it is it showed the different personalities and dynamics of a nice-sized Black family along with the compromises that everyone had to make in order to get along — even if they didn’t agree with certain things about one another. Know what that is called? Acceptance. And, in the context of today’s article, acceptance is about striving to understand, believe and, where possible, accommodate and reconcile with other people.
Now will you always be able to accommodate or reconcile? No. Sometimes certain standards and convictions will challenge that. What you can do, always, though, is understand where your family members are coming from and accept it, whether you agree with them or not.
I’m telling you, just learning how to accept the reality of what you have going on within your bloodline can take a lot of the pressure off because, honestly, what oftentimes causes a lot of unnecessary drama and trauma is trying to make people be something or one other than who they truly are.
3. Clearly Articulate Your Boundaries. Without Apology.
GiphyI talk about gaslighting…A LOT. That’s because there are so many people out here who do it. SMDH. Just so we’re all on the same page for this particular point, gaslighting is when someone tries to manipulate you into wondering if what you know to be true, right or accurate actually isn’t — and boy, if anyone is a master at this, it’s certain types of family members…and typically, if they really want to take gaslighting to a whole ‘nother level, it’s when it comes to the personal boundaries that you have set.
One way they will gaslight you? They will say that you should do whatever they tell you to or that you should tolerate however they are speaking to or acting around you because they are family or they are older than you are. GASLIGHTING. I say it often that the same Bible that says to honor your parents also says to not provoke your children (Ephesians 6:4).
My point? One reason why family members can trigger us so much is because we can find ourselves in conversations or situations where we feel disrespected by them. The way to help to keep this in check is by stating what your boundaries/limits are on the front end and not wavering if they try to cross the line.
And what do I mean by “not wavering”? If your boundary is that you don’t want to talk about your dating life and they start hitting you with a round of 20 questions about just that, stop talking or go to another room.
Listen, something that I tell my clients often is it’s unfair to expect people to honor your boundaries when you haven’t clearly stated what they are. Once you have, though, and they overstep? That is called disrespect — and you don’t have to tolerate that from ANYONE. Family or otherwise.
4. Avoid Triggering Topics
GiphySo-and-so made me mad. Chile, live on this planet long enough and you begin to accept that unless it’s literally by force (which is a form of abuse), no one can MAKE you do anything…and that includes causing you to feel some type of way. Sometimes, it can feel like someone made you feel some type of way, though, because they triggered you — oftentimes, all the while knowing exactly what they were doing. SMDH.
Know how you can dodge this? Don’t engage in subject matters that you know are going to get you going whether that be religion, politics, standards for relationships, family issues…whatever it is. A few years ago, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “How To Handle Folks Who 'Trigger' You.” A part of the reason why I wrote it is because being triggered is a very real thing. For instance, if something current takes your emotions back to something unpleasant in your past, that can make you feel stressed or even hurt — and boy, no set of people like to bring up past ish like relatives do.
That’s why it’s really important to figure out what your (main) triggers are before even getting around them. That way, you can be clear on what you are willing to entertain — and how far you are willing to go.
5. Suggest Some Distractions
GiphyIf there are two things that families can be, on a whole ‘nother level, is chaotic and a lot of fun. That said, if you want to avoid annoying drama, a great diversion can be to recommend entertaining things to do like playing board games, watching holiday-themed movies together, doing some Christmas music karaoke, suggesting a dance-off with prizes, caroling throughout the neighborhood — anything that will get those folks’ minds off of who should be getting married or going back to church and onto laughing and cuttin’ up.
6. Mind Your Business. Literally.
GiphyA man by the name of Robert A. Heinlein once said, “Ninety percent of all human wisdom is the ability to mind your own business.” Another man by the name of Edmond Mbiaka once said, “While you are too busy minding other people’s business, who is busy minding yours?” And still another man by the name of Steve Maraboli once said, “How do I have productive days with minimum drama? Simple; I mind my own business.”
We’re talking about how to have an as-much-as-possible peace-filled holiday season around your family members, right? Without question, a hack for that is to absolutely determine to mind your own business. Now does this mean that you should just act like a mannequin the entire time? Nope. My recommendation would simply be to not volunteer opinions to people who you already know won’t be receptive to them or who like to pick debates or even fights— oh, but if someone asks…then they invited you into their business. That is something different.
Minding one’s business ain’t neva hurt nobody, chile. Words to live by. Always.
7. Know What Your Limit Is and Be OK with Leaving When It’s Crossed
GiphySome of my clients are the epitome of what it means to be an introvert and it always tickles me how, right around this time of the year, like clockwork, at least a couple of them will ask me how they can avoid going to family functions. It’s not really because they suspect that some drama or trauma will go down, it’s just that the busyness, the noise, the close quarters make their nerves bad — and they would rather prevent that from transpiring by not going to the family events in the first place.
Typically, what I do is help them to come up with some sort of compromise that will keep them in a place of peace without pissing off their grandmother. However, as we close all of this out, I will be the first one to say that, as an adult, you have the complete and total right to have and set whatever boundaries you wish. If you know that 90 minutes is all that you can stand, so be it.
If you’ve already decided that if everyone gets to “poking bears” and starting silly arguments that that is your cue to step out, all good. If you’d prefer to go earlier to your aunt and uncle’s house because past occasions have proven that your least favorite relatives like to show up really late and you want to leave before they arrive, that is certainly your prerogative.
Listen, there is no point in trying to cultivate peace and goodwill towards your relatives if it’s at the expense of your own. Hopefully, these seven tips will help everyone to get some of both — so that this can be a really good holiday season…yes, even when you are around your family. LOL.
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