If you read the title of this and felt like it might be some low-key clickbait, that is absolutely not the case. The reality is, according to quite a bit of extensive research, although orgasms can last anywhere from 10-60 seconds, if we were to break things down by gender, in general, men’s orgasms usually last somewhere around 22 seconds while women’s orgasms last somewhere around 13-15 seconds (for many). And since the average commercial is 30 seconds long — well, there ya go.
This is of the utmost importance to me because, at least in my humble opinion, one of the best experiences that life has to offer is a good ole’ orgasm. That is why I thought that this would be as good of a time as any to provide a few tips that can help you to get the most out of your own “climbing the wall” moments.
And so, are you ready to see if you can get at least 10-15 more seconds out of the climaxes you have? I just might have some things to hook you all the way up below.
So, the Technical Term for It Is an “Extended Orgasm”
GiphyAight, so let’s get right into it. When you want to achieve the kind of orgasm that lasts longer than the — or probably the more accurate way to put it, your — average one does, that is called an extended orgasm. It’s important to not confuse this with multiple orgasms which are what happens when you climax and then come to the fourth stage of an orgasm (which is called a resolution) only to pick back up and start the cycle of orgasming all over again.
Nah, an extended orgasm is one long(er) climax that never comes to a resolution; it just holds at the climax position for a longer period of time.
And what would be the purpose of wanting to have one of those? C’mon now. If you’ve had an orgasm before, you absolutely know the answer to that; especially if you’re someone who tends to have orgasms that only last for a few seconds, max.
Okay, but really — what can you actually do to “see the mountaintop” for more than just a fleeting moment in time…every time? Well, I have 10 tips that would be hella fun (at the very least) to give a shot.
Tips To Make Your Orgasms Last Longer
1. Figure Out What Your Clitoris Likes (and Needs)
GiphySince once upon a time, I used to watch porn and then I transitioned into working with an organization that dealt with sex and porn addiction (check out “Working For A Porn Ministry Got Me Over Watching Porn”), I can tell when people have learned a lot of their sex moves via some consistent porn engagement. Like back in the day when I was gettin’ it in — I used to damn near loathe whenever a guy would try to pat on my vagina. That is such a porn move.
For me, I prefer a… gentler and more creative approach. And that’s exactly my point: since a clitoris literally only exists to bring women sexual pleasure — figure out what touches work for you, both in foreplay and during sex. After reading Healthline’s “The Ultimate Guide to Clitoral Stimulation,” I came to appreciate just how many ways there actually are. Check the article out then experiment with which ones are bomb for you.
2. Make Sure Your Partner Can Access Your Clitoris As Much As Possible
GiphySpeaking of your clitoris, if you were to go to Google to check out the AI overview of it, as it relates to having an orgasm, you are probably going to see something along the lines of, “The clitoris is the primary source of arousal and orgasm for most women, with direct stimulation of the clitoris being the easiest and most effective way to achieve orgasm, according to a large sample of women.” (At least, this is what came up for me.)
What this does as serve as a solid reminder that, whether it’s during foreplay or intercourse, it’s important to remain in a position where your partner can easily access (in order to stimulate) your clitoris as much as possible. That way, he can “manipulate” (via stimulation) your clitoris with certain amounts of applied pressure, so that having an extended orgasm is easier for you.
Certain positions that can help with this include spooning, being penetrated while you are on the edge of the bed and having sex while you’re acting like a wheel barrel. Artistic visuals of all of this can be found here.
3. Incorporate Scents That Reduce Stress
GiphyIt’s going to be difficult to have an orgasm if you’re all stressed out. That’s because, although sex is proven to reduce stress and anxiety levels, when it comes to climaxing, if your stress hormone (which is known as your cortisol hormone) is elevated, that can lower your libido and also your sex hormones; you don’t want that to happen because they are essential for you to have an orgasm in the first place. That’s why it’s critical that you lower the stress that you may be experiencing via all of your senses (sight, hearing, touch, taste and smell).
One way to do that is by incorporating scents that help to keep your stress levels down. Whether it’s essential oil in a diffuser, lighting some soy candles or spraying one of the following scents on your bedding (or all three) — try some jasmine, mandarin, rose, patchouli, lavender, neroli or frankincense. All are alluring. All are proven to relax your mind, body and spirit too.
4. Sip on Some Infused Berry Water
GiphyIf you’re dehydrated, it’s going to be hard to cum. That’s not my opinion, that’s a scientific fact. The breakdown is water helps to keep you (naturally) lubricated, it balances your hormones out and it also provides you with an energy boost. And while you’re at it, throw some berries into your pitcher or glass.
Since they are packed with antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties, they are able to keep your blood flowing freely — which is definitely something that needs to happen if you want to have a long and satisfying orgasm (by the way, citrus fruits and pomegranates can do this for you too).
5. Try a Lil’ Yoga with Your Sex
GiphyBeing in a relaxed state and breathing properly are two things that definitely need to happen if you want to have a really good orgasm. That’s why yoga just had to come up — because it’s a form of exercise that incorporates both of these things. In fact, there are specific yoga poses that have a reputation for making copulation amazing including the Lizard, the Cat Cow and — surprise, surprise — the Downward Dog.
What’s cool about all of these is you can do them in your bedroom or incorporate them into intercourse (to learn more about yoga sex and, what is somewhat similar, tantric sex, go here, here and here).
6. If It’s via Oral Sex, Have Your Partner “Edge” You (with His Tongue)
GiphyIf it’s easier for you to climax from cunnilingus than intercourse, please don’t stress yourself out about that — at the end of the day, an orgasm is an orgasm…right? And while he’s doing his thing down there, be open to him edging you with his tongue and lips. Although people often think about edging in the context of people getting to the point of climaxing during intercourse and then delaying it over and over again (in order for the orgasm to ultimately be that much stronger), the reality is that edging is about sexual stimulation, period, no matter how it — pardon the pun — comes.
So, while he’s using his mouth to “take you there,” use your words (dirty words, preferably) to let him know when you’re about to climax — and then have him slow down the pace (with his tongue and lips), so that your orgasms can be…further extended.
7. Apply Some Arousal Gel
GiphyQuestion: Have you ever tried arousal gel before? If not, please make the investment. Although there is nothing that can automatically guarantee that you’ll experience the type of orgasm that you’re looking for, arousal gel can certainly help with accomplishing the mission. That’s because it contains ingredients that help to stimulate blood flow to your genitalia — and that always increases the chances of you experiencing some pretty intense climaxing.
So, if you want to give this gel a shot, click here for a list of some favorite brands.
8. Have Your Partner Focus on Another Erogenous Zone As You’re Climaxing
GiphyLet me tell you a woman who I personally think STILL doesn’t get the props that she deserves for her singing chops: some freakin’ Tamia. And y’all, when that woman sang “Stranger in My House” on Apollo? Whew. Yeah, the real ones know how the bridge goes — Pop quiz: Tell me where we first kissed. Tell me where my spot is. Tell me if I liked it, loved it. LISTEN.
You wanna have a hellified orgasm, you (and your partner) better know where your spots are. And when you are at the point of cumming, have him, umm, indulge in one of those spots along with penetrating you. I’d be damn near shocked if your head didn’t almost explode if/when he does.
9. Do Some Tongue Sucking (Again, As You Are Climaxing)
GiphySpeaking of multitasking, a few years back, I penned an article for the platform entitled, “Wanna Climax More? KISS MORE.” Aside from the fact that some people are able to orgasm just from kissing alone, it can definitely take you to next levels of arousal during sex. That’s because kissing releases hormones like oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin that not only make you feel closer to your partner but it can help to sexually stimulate you too.
And if the two of you engage in tongue sucking while you’re kissing? GIRRRRRL…tongues have a ton of nerve endings which makes them super sensitive to touch or lick — let alone…suck. Try it and tell me that I’m wrong (you won’t).
10. Squeeze Your Thighs Together
GiphyPlease don’t tell me that I’m the only one who is literally shaking your damn head about the movie Waiting to Exhale being 30 years old this year (the book is even better, by the way). Geeze. And as I wrap this “You totally deserve to have an extended orgasm” cheat sheet up, I thought about the scene where Robin (Lela Rochon) and Michael (Wendell Pierce) were having sex and she said that when she squeezed her hips/thighs real tight, she exploded.
And this is my final tip when it comes to how to make your orgasms last longer. The technical term for it is syntribation (which basically means “hands-free masturbation”). Pretty much what happens is, when you squeeze your thighs together, it stimulates your clitoris — and when you’re doing this while a penis is already inside of you? NEED. I. SAY. MORE?
___
Life is short. Have longer orgasms.
Hell, somebody needs to put that on a T-shirt — no, billboards all throughout the country! LOL.
With these tips, I’m thinking that you now can, so try them out and report back.
I can’t wait!
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RELATED
So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
It’s not like it has to be a bad thing. In fact, studies say that somewhere around 15 percent of engaged couples actually met through a friend. All I’m saying is, before you entertain someone’s “I’ve got someone I want you to meet” invitation, it would benefit you to interview them first — for the sake of all parties involved.
The questions that I recommend asking? The following six are what I think can get everyone on the same page, so that there is more pleasure than regret from the hook-up attempt.
1. Why Are They So Invested?
GiphyTwo things that I recently watched over again are the series Survivor’s Remorse (the writing is so damn good) and a movie called Trapped in Temptation (both are currently on Tubi). Something that both of them made me think about is the fact that motive reveals a lot when it comes to why people say and do the things that they do.
When it comes to the movie, specifically, without giving the film away — let me just say that, if you are in a relationship, be really careful about listening to individuals who try to talk you out of maintaining it. More times than not, the motive is shady as hell. And honestly, sometimes people who are close to obsessed with you being in one deserve a bit of side-eye too.
Now, if it’s someone who loves all things love, they are in love and they want you to experience something similar — that’s sweet. Just make sure that they are approaching the set up from a healthy space. What I mean by that is they don’t see singleness as some sort of relational handicap or they aren’t trying to override what you want for your life as if they somehow know better (there are so many ways to be a control freak, y’all).
Hmph. Now that I think about it — make sure that the set-up crew isn’t trying to use you to “save” some male friend or relative of theirs. I say that because I once knew a mother whose son had — count ‘em — 10 kids and she was FOREVER trying to get me to date him. Girl, that wasn’t for me. She was looking for a Holy Ghost Jr. for that child of hers. I’ll pass. HARD PASS.
Bottom line with this one — if someone wants to set you up with someone else, the first thing to ask is why? Make sure to really listen to what their answer is. Then pay attention to if your mind, body and spirit are at peace with their answer(s).
2. Do They Know What You Want?
GiphyI don’t know about y’all, but the people (and let’s be honest, by far, it’s usually women) who have tried to set me up with someone? They didn’t even know what my preferences or type was. Hell, they didn’t even know my thoughts or timeline as it relates to being in a serious relationship were either. And what that boils down to is they were trying to hook me up based on their agenda, not mine — and that usually meant that the guys who they came up with? Yeah…I was good on them. LOL.
Yeah, if someone wants to hook you up, you definitely should ask them if they know what you are looking for in a guy when it comes to his looks, personality, passions, spirituality, relational desires and goals, location, etc. Because, indeed, what is the point in going out with someone who is fine as hell and yet, you want kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa) or who has a great personality yet he isn’t even in the same ballpark of your spiritual beliefs?
If your friend really wants to help you out, valuing your time should come with that — and that means bringing someone into your life who complements your lifestyle. No wiggle room here.
3. Are They Aware of Your Deal-Breakers?
GiphyLast year, I wrote an article for the platform entitled, “Should Bad Sex Actually Be A Relationship Deal-Breaker?” The thing that I think needs to go on record about deal-breakers is they aren’t exactly standards that you have. No, a deal-breaker is something that can’t be worked out even after trying to negotiate or compromise. When it comes to relationships, a deal-breaker might be how long two people should date before becoming exclusive or getting engaged. Another deal-breaker might be if being religious is more important than being spiritual and how that manifests itself (church or no church, etc.). And yes, another deal-breaker may be what each other’s sexual needs and expectations are.
When someone is setting you up, it is imperative that they know about your standards. For instance, for me, I am not interested in dating a divorced person, pretty much ever (I Corinthians 7:10-11). I’ve had friends who have tried to hook me up with that demographic before and it has always been a moot effort. The fact that some of them have gotten frustrated with my convictions has absolutely nothing to do with me. Some have tried to get me to compromise my deal-breakers too — like a long-distance relationship. Is it a firm “naw”? No. However, it’s not really something that I am interested in, so why not just…recommend someone local?
Yeah, if someone thinks that they know you well enough to hook you up, they absolutely should be well-versed in what your deal-breakers are before they do. And if they’ve never asked, all they are doing is assuming — and we know what that typically means. LOL.
4. What Is Their Track Record?
GiphyIt’s kind of wild that we now live in a time when more couples meet online than they do through “old-fashioned ways” like via their friends (although some reports say that Gen Z is getting back to that) — and yet, here we are. Still, if you are willing to let someone play pseudo matchmaker in your life, you are well within your rights to inquire about their track record in that department. Have they hooked others up, successfully, before? Has any of their “Cupid work” caused both people to get exactly what they wanted out of the situation? If/when things went awry, why was that?
I know someone who is constantly trying to hook people up. Thing is, maybe 10-15 percent (no joke) of their efforts have proven to be positive and fruitful — and we’re talking about close to close to two decades of them doing it. Listen, time is too precious to be out here doing stuff ONLY to please other people. That said, if someone wants you to devote some time to one of their grand ideas, you are well within your rights to ask about their past and current success score when it comes to it.
5. Can They Keep Their Own Feelings Out of It?
GiphyWanna know if someone who is offering to do something for you is actually doing it more for themselves? If they try to make it be about them when things don’t go the way they would like, that is a dead ringer. An example? They post a message about you on social media and then question you about why you didn’t do the same thing in return. Another example? They do something for you and then throw it in your face during an argument. Still another example? They set you up with someone, it doesn’t work out, and suddenly you’ve put them in a weird spot. No dear — you put your own self in that position by trying to hook two people up in the first place.
I promise you, it will spare everyone unnecessary energy spent (or even drama experienced) if, before you agree to be hooked up, you get the matchmaker on record stating that they will keep their emotions out of it as much as possible. MEANING — they will do the introductions and then let the chips fall where they may. If they can’t do this, my two cents (save it or spend it) would be to decline the offer. Because all you need is someone texting you about why you haven’t called their cousin back or having an attitude with you when you break up with some guy at their church who they thought was the perfect catch (P.S. These aren’t hypothetical examples — LOL).
6. Will They Respect Your Boundaries? Start to Finish?
GiphyYeah, this final one is a biggie. Just because someone sets you up with another person, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily mean that they should have the right to the details of the dynamic. I don’t care if it’s the first date or the 10th date. I don’t care if you decide to just be sex buddies or to have a full-blown relationship. I don’t care if you stay together or break-up — it’s your relationship which makes it your business. Whatever you share is privileged data.
Yeah, I would say that probably the most challenging thing about being hooked up by someone you know is they have a tendency to think that they are a part of the relationship too — and that is a lie. If things go well beyond a couple of dates, you and the guy should discuss what you will both share with the person who introduced you and then agree to stick to that boundary, no matter what. It’s a great way to protect the dynamic, to keep “outside voices” from influencing the growth and to navigate how you want to move, moving forward.
Someone who hooked you up for the right reasons and knows how to honor limits? They will understand. Will they ask questions? Absolutely. Will they pry? Nah.
___
Should you sit and let someone hook you up? I mean, you never know how your blessing will come. Just make sure that they are prepared for you to do some digging into their mindset before they start sweetly meddling into your love life.
It’s only fair. Hell, and right. LOL.
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