Nicki Minaj Is A Reminder That Dimming Another Woman's Light Won't Make Yours Shine Brighter
A man once told me that a woman should never go broke because of the sole fact that she has a p*ssy. His statement rung like bells in my mind, because there have been times where I felt that my pussy was the only thing of value I had to offer this world. I am well aware of my talents and gifts, but I am also aware that sometimes the world doesn't give a damn.
Since I was 16 and declared my career as a performing artist, I have been juxtaposed against Nicki Minaj both positively and negatively. I have had some men praise me for my boldness in discussing my sexuality, while others say that because I am conservative, I am somewhat better than the other women in my field who sell sex.
Because of this consistent comparison, I found myself on the stage of a strip club in a small town in South Carolina my freshman year of college, grinding up against an older asian man who thought he was doing me a favor by sticking a crumpled $5 bill into my exposed brassiere.
I felt embarrassed and cheap, and wondered what kind of woman could do that to herself. Soon after, I realized that it was me. I was that kind of woman. A woman who was down to her last dollar and had chosen exotic dancing as a temporary means of survival. It wasn't the first time I had considered exploiting my body in exchange for consistent revenue in my pocket, but it was the last time I would act on it.
Though I can't say that I now understand the life of a sex worker, my experience gave me a new perspective about feminism and sexuality in reference to my identity as a woman. True feminism means respecting and demanding true equality for all women, not just ones who think like me or make the same choices.
During the time of my short-lived strip club expose, one of the most popular images of women in the entertainment industry was Nicki Minaj, and though I didn't always agree with her decision to sell sex, I was infatuated with her vision of sexual liberation for women.
Her impact on the industry has been tremendous, and her new album reveals that she isn't done yet. But in a recent interview with Elle, Nicki pulled up with a vibe that I wasn't really feeling. The Queen rapper received internet-wide backlash from critics who claimed hypocrisy. In the interview she said:
"Whether you're a stripper, or whether you're an Instagram girl — these girls are so beautiful and they have so much to offer. But I started finding out that you give them a couple thousand dollars, and you can have sex with them. I was like, 'Yikes.' It's just sad that they don't know their worth. It makes me sad as a woman. And it makes me sad that maybe I've contributed to that in some way … I can't look down on these girls. I may not be having sex with people, but I'm selling sex appeal. "I just don't know if girls who look up to me think that when I'm posting a sexy picture. I'm actually the antithesis of all of that. I'm more of, like, the snobby girl, like the 'Uh, what?' type of girl. And I want girls to be like that. I'd rather you be called snobby or a bitch or conceited — I'd rather you be called that than easy, and a ho, and a slut."
Media has an addiction with the physical and mental abuse of black women. Judging from the combination of twerk and fight videos gone viral, you would think that our kind was in some sort of apocalypse. In my opinion, during a journey to spiritual clarity, Nicki may have fallen victim to this addiction along with the rest of mainstream America.
Criticizing women who are victims of, or have even chosen a career in the sex work industry to reaffirm her own ego is an example of how we as women sometimes feel that by dimming someone else's light, ours will shine brighter, and that assumption is just not true.
Though I can understand her point and appreciate her taking responsibility for the part she's played in our misogynistic culture, her comment was hypocritical, anti-feminist, and completely stood against what made me fall so deeply in love with her artistry.
In the entertainment industry, more specifically in the rap game, black women's bodies have been used as pawns and targets of unwarranted scrutiny. Because of this ideology, some women have fallen victim to the misconception that our bodies are tools for the world's aesthetic pleasures, but Nicki was and is consistently a part of changing that culture.
Women like Lil' Kim, Trina, Nicki Minaj, and Cardi B used their leverage in misogyny to affirm a message to women that our agency is our own. They worked to develop a new narrative for women, which reclaimed words like "bitch", "slut", and "hoe", and took terms that were meant to be derogatory to women and repurposed them in songs that are empowering.
Her comment in Elle seemingly erased all of the work that she so bravely accomplished in helping women encourage their own ideas about sexual liberation and womanhood. Though I haven't always agreed with her method, I always knew that there was a means to her end, one of which was making women feel proud of who they were, despite labels or job titles.
Though I'm sure Nicki's comment was only a temporary lapse in judgement and can be solved easily by a capable publicist, we can all learn a lesson from the clapback she received from the internet.
A real queen fixes another woman's crown without telling the world that it was crooked in the first place. We have some serious healing and rebuilding to do as women of color, but we can never do that by tearing each other down.
Featured image by Giphy
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
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Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images