I sat patiently awaiting for a return call from Barbara Jacques, owner of the all-natural skin, bath, and body care company Jacq's Organics.
I listened as she situated her 5-year-old daughter so that she could get back to our call, poised and unbothered. With tender, yet stern care, Barbara took the time to answer her questions, tend to a bruise, and redirect her playfulness, while also making it clear to her young daughter that she was in the middle of an important conversation. Essentially, her daughter's presence was just as powerful as the story she told about how her birth led her onto her current path of incredible success.
Barbara's story often starts with the number one traumatic event in her life that just so happens to be the thing that fertilized the idea: she was pregnant…but she also had an ovarian tumor. Upon hearing that, I learned quickly that her story, just like her products, is more complex than it appeared.
To begin, her choice to create her line of products didn't come overnight. In fact, it didn't come without turmoil. In 2009, Barbara married her longtime boyfriend, James. But by the end of 2010, they both had become both elated by the news of being pregnant, and ailed by the horror of a possibly fatal diagnosis.
After being rest assured that the developing baby was out of harm's way, she was hoping that she was out of harm's way too.
She wasn't.
She had a tumor over her left ovary, roughly the same size.
“So I got in my car. I call my husband and I just start bawling. I have this tumor. I'm pregnant. I'm in my 20s. My life just started, you know? What is going on? I was scared."
Scared and confused, Barbara and her husband decided to leave Orlando to return to her roots in Miami. “I was researching, reading medical journals, trying to figure out what was going on. And during that time, I was like, 'I'm going to fight. I can't allow the situation to dictate me. I have this baby [growing inside of me], I'm not going through all of this for no reason'. That's what I kept saying to myself and that's when I kind of felt a calming peace come over me to say, 'It's gon' be alright.' I would pray and I would ask my mom to be with me throughout the time."
Photo by: John Catignas
Barbara's mother Mary had passed away over a decade and a half prior to the health scare, but it wasn't her physical presence that she was seeking. “She has a really big influence on who I am today," said Barbara, adding, “I say has because I feel like she's still with me." At 15-years-old, Jacques had lost both her mother and father - both emigrants from Haiti - within five months of each other. Subsequently, she lost all desire to continue excelling in school. “My mom was in the back of my head saying, 'You have to have more,'" she said, referring to her battle with depression as she crawled her way through high school.
But this time was different. In the face of her diagnosis, Barbara wasn't looking for validation or strength - she had already possessed those things - now, she was just in need of support.
Barbara found a way to save her baby, herself, and her family by becoming educated on the food and product industries in America, as well as healing herbs. She came to find that the natural remedies her mom taught her as a child, were more than just a part of her family rituals.
“I laugh now, but it was misery for me," she recalled of the formative years she spent being forced to use plants and vegetables as ails to her puberty-ridden skin. “My mom always had this clear, toned skin, she was always even, one color. People would always [compliment her]. But she took care of it."
Her mother wished the same beauty for her daughter's dark skin tone and would make her do things like go into the yard to cut up aloe, scrub it on her face, and drink another piece of it to help rid of pimples and blemishes. "The more I researched later on, I realized that it actually is natural vitamin A, zinc, and beta carotene that helped give dark skin a natural glow. [It] helped with aging, wrinkles, acne, blemishes - and the aloe, which is actually mineral water - is healing, hydrating."
Naturally, these ingredients - in addition to almond - are now the base ingredients to all of her products.
Photo by: John Catignas
Growing up a dark-skinned girl in Miami had its challenges, too. Learning to care for her skin and her hair assisted in her journey of learning to love and admire herself more. For Jacq's Organics, education is not only the motive, but the standard. When you visit the website, not only can you learn about your skin-type, how the product is made, and the daily routines you need for your age range, but also nuggets of information that you're not going to find just anywhere.
“We absorb everything we put on our skin through our bloodstream. Eating natural foods is not enough. Slathering toxins on your skin just doesn't make any sense."
More than a passion, but a way of life, Barbara found her life transformed into a vegetarian life-style with a vegan brand. But the transformation didn't happen immediately.
“I already shopped at farmer's markets because I was a very conscious buyer, but the more I researched, [I realized] everything in my refrigerator was soy. I learned that it mimics estrogen and that was feeding my thyroid." From hummus and chickpeas to chicken and white rice, Barbara learned - and spread the word - that her food choices were killing her.
“And then I look, and I have this make-up artist display of products in my closet," she continued. “I have bags of MAC make-up, Estee Lauder, Clinique…it was crazy. I just started throwing my stuff away, and that's when, for me, when I felt that sense of calmness."
Those products - the ones she placed in her hair and on her skin - were causing equal amounts of damage to her health. And just like over 70% of all beauty products catering to Black women, they included “the dirty dozen". “The dirty dozen is basically a list of 12 common ingredients that you will find in, not just skin and hair products, but also in food that are a no-no," Barbara explained. “They're linked to cancer, birth defects, ovarian issues, stuff that has harmful side effects. But it's ingredients, preservatives, and products that are basically in everyday [items] that we don't even think about. Everything from toothpaste to clothes, canned goods, sugar, milk - everything."
Like most people, this was news to Barbara. Her infatuation with those products had begun nearly 10 years prior, when she made the decision to leave Miami for Orlando. “There's something about moving away from home and having to live on your own. It kind of shapes you into being - to think independently," she said. “Within six months, on January 5th, 2000, I went natural - I shaved my hair off. So when I would go back home to Miami people would be like, 'Girl what is wrong with you? Somebody broke your heart? You gay now? What's going on?' And I'm like, 'No this is more me learning about myself - exploring.'
"Miami was still about the quick weaves and getting your hair done every two weeks and that high maintenance life. And me, I was like in an environment where nobody knew me. It was a beautiful thing because then I learned about loving Barbara for who she was."
Photo by: John Catignas
Barbara began playing with natural soap formulas to create alternatives for her and her family - not only to save her skin, but to save her life. “It was therapy for me because, here I was, middle of the day, can't go anywhere [on bed rest], can only walk 30 minutes a day, and it just became peace for me because it was a way for me to heal my body, my mind, and my spirit in a sense."
Spending the bulk of her time home alone, sick, and barely keeping down food, she twiddled her thumbs and contemplated a solution. That began with finding the right doctor. “I think the only person I told close to me was my big brother, he's like my best friend. My close girlfriends knew some-thing was wrong and I didn't want to tell them I was pregnant. I eventually told my aunt and [I found out that my] doctor at the time was giving me some misinformation."
Her aunt - who also took over as matriarch following her mother's death - luckily stepped in with her nursing expertise. “'That could kill you,'" her aunt told her. “'We don't even know if we're going to make it through your pregnancy for birth. We don't even know if it's benign.'"
Barbara's doctor at the time was attempting to coax her into a vaginal birth, which in her state could potentially be very fatal. That's when Barbara found out that her mother had had a hysterectomy due to ovarian issues in her lifetime - a health conversation that they were never able to share. From there, she knew to seek out a gynecologist who specialized in ovarian care.
That was the missing key.
By the time her daughter reached full-term, she gave birth to her via C-section, and subsequently had the tumor removed immediately following. Both surgeries were a success and propelled her to her next move: expansion.
Photo by: John Catignas
By 2011, Barbara wasn't selling anything she made, but all the products she was making were in excess. After giving them away to her family and friends, she heard stories of them hiding their homemade pieces away from their own spouses to use in solitude. The response was that good. On a fluke, a girlfriend convinced her to sell her products at a Farmer's Market and she ended with nearly $600 in sales! From there, she started to think differently about keeping her products to herself. So, in 2012, she set up an official online shop and company. Pedaling quality work, peer and local engagement, as well as an in-demand product, Barbara spent her free time (literally in-between 16-hour or more workdays) to work on her company.
Although she did not appreciate the amount of time working for someone else caused her to spend away from her family, Barbara had a lot of love for her day job and wasn't quite ready to chuck the deuces to her “real job" in lieu of her hobby that was making a profit. Not just yet anyway. “It wasn't until I got this huge ass order that was bigger than my salaried paycheck. And I was just like, 'I think this is for the birds.'"
It was early 2015 when she decided to make the leap from Jacq's Organics acting as a side-hustle to being her full-blown new entrepreneurial career. When Barbara handed in her two weeks' notice, Jacq's Organics was being recognized locally as a growing, thriving business - and once she told the world her own story of triumph, so was she.
Falling into fear nearing the end of her job, Kareem Abdul-Jabar - a regular at the job's networking events - said something to her that has stuck with her to this day.
“He was like, 'God has a plan for you and you're on that plan, you're on that journey. Don't be afraid, it's going to be hard. Everything you need is inside of you.' And when he told me that, I had to walk off. I almost started crying because that's what I needed," she said, laughing joyously.
But it wasn't without preparation.
Photo by: John Catignas
With loyal customers, a growing newsletter, and an easy-to-navigate website, she was ready. “I was able to give my full attention because I'm not really into multitasking, I think it's a gimmick. When you give something your full attention, you start to see your work. That's when my customers doubled, I was getting a presence online, I was still networking, going to events, talking about my business, working with non-for-profit organizations. I was able to be present, complete-ly there. And the transition for me, that aha moment, was when I got that first full [check]."
She was successful, so successful, in fact, that a year and a month to the date of walking away from her full-time corporate job, she was able to rent out her own separate space for her business and say goodbye to using her kitchen for home and work.
From being known as her mother's daughter to stepping into her own light in her mother's name and later manifesting her journey for the love she has of her own daughter, Barbara's life and continuously growing legacy is a testament to time and true liberation.
Shop Barbara's all-natural line of products here. Stay connected by following Jacq's Organics on Twitter and IG.
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While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Feature image by Leon Bennett/WireImage
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
GiphyWhenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
GiphyAs I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
GiphyIt’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
GiphyDuring the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
____
Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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Featured image by Giphy