
Is your man an outlier? If your initial response is "Umm, in what way?", in the context of this piece, I mean when it comes to how long he can last in bed. Yeah, initially, I wouldn't have used that word in the sexual sense either but apparently, if a man can go for 21 minutes or so, that's what he's considered to be. If he can hang in there between 4-11 minutes, he's average and if he can go for 53 minutes, he's on something; sorry, I mean he's a marathoner.
The relevance in those well-phrased measurements is the fact that, whenever I ask women what they desire more from their partner, stamina is usually what comes up. And, when I ask them what they wish they had more of, typically, it's sensitivity. They either want to tap into their erogenous zones more or, they want to find a way for sexual stimulation to feel more intense during sex.
While there is no magic potion that you or your partner can take to instantly remedy either of these concerns, there are some holistic approaches to both that are safe, effective (in more ways than one) and affordable.
If you want to make your man an outlier or you want to turn up the heat a bit in your own "sweet spots", try adding some of these herbs, foods and items to your health regimen.
1.Damiana
I must admit that, when I first learned about Damiana, I smiled. My first love's name is Damien. My late fiancé's name was Damien. One of the most unique relationships I've ever had with someone, his name is also Damien. And in their own ways, they're all pretty sexy so, there's that.
Outside of my own little exclusive Damien journey, Damiana is a wild shrub-turned-herbal supplement that is used to treat headaches, depression and constipation. It's also great at reducing PMS symptoms, treating insomnia and even relieving symptoms related to anemia and diabetes.
On the sex tip, Damiana is dope because it lowers stress levels, improves a bad mood, increases vaginal lubrication, intensifies orgasms and gives you more energy so that you can go a few rounds (if you want). Yeah, Damiana is that one.
2.Vitamin B12 Foods

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Vitamin B12 is something that we all need that far too many of us are deficient in. So, how do you know that you are lower in this vitamin than you should be? Do you feel lightheaded and weak? Are you gassy or constipated? Do you feel depressed or have you been experiencing memory loss? Do you feel numbness or tingling? If so, go see a doctor, just to make sure that it's not something more serious. If it isn't, eating foods high in B12 (like chicken, tuna, salmon, liver and eggs) can help to get you back on track. As a bonus, Vitamin B12 foods also support bone health, relieve anemia and help to put you into a better mood.
B12 is a must-have for sexual sensitivity because it manufactures healthy red blood cells which keeps your nerve endings, including the thousands that are in your clitoris in tip-top shape. B12 also triggers histamine into your system. That's awesome because you need that in order to have an orgasm.
3.Basil
Basil is an herb that is bomb for so many different reasons. It lowers your blood pressure, fights to prevent breast cancer, increases mental alertness, reduces stroke damage, stabilizes blood sugar, decreases tooth decay and relaxes blood vessels.
It's that last benefit I mentioned that helped basil to make this particular list. Not only does the smell of basil help to get your (and his) juices flowing, it increases blood flow, including down in your genital region. The more circulation you've got, the more intense things will feel.
4.L-Arginine

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On its own, arginine is an amino acid that changes into nitric oxide. We need this because nitric oxide is a neurotransmitter that relaxes blood vessels and increases blood circulation. L-Arginine is known to dilate clitoral blood vessels and, when they are wide open, sexual sensitivity is off the charts! (Other benefits of this supplement are that it enhances your workout performance, treats burns, heals wounds, reduces anxiety and controls blood sugar in diabetics).
A lot of people take L-Arginine in supplement form, but if you're curious, foods that contain arginine are brown rice, peanuts, sunflower seeds, spirulina and (yum) chocolate.
5.Black Raspberries
Did you know that July is when National Kissing Day (July 6) and National Orgasm Day (July 31) are celebrated? Good thing too because black raspberries are only in season during this month and it lasts for only a few weeks too.
Whether you decide to snack on them raw or make some homemade black raspberry ice cream or black raspberry muffins, you'll be doing your body a lot of good. Black raspberries are loaded with antioxidants that help to fight off free radicals, cancer cells and tumors. Black raspberries also have a great reputation for improving vision, keeping your heart healthy and, the ellagic acid that's in them, can help to prevent birth defects if you happen to be pregnant.
Black raspberries are also a phytochemical-rich food that not only boosts libidos in men and women, it gives them both a lot more endurance too (it's best to eat a handful, for 3-5 days, before gettin' it in, in order to get the best results).
6.Less Shrimp, Sugar and Soy

We've spent quite a bit of time touching on what you should consume, but there are some things that you shouldn't. Let's start with shrimp. Shrimp tends to contain pesticides and pesticides are known for being endocrine disruptors which basically means that they take male and female hormones on roller coaster rides. In fact, a lot of shrimp has the mutha of all pesticides, 4-hexylresorcinol, in it.
Sugar isn't good for your sex drive/life because it triggers stress and anxiety and also drains you of your energy. In men, it lowers testosterone levels too. Low testosterone, low sex drive. Oh, and soy. Soy can be unhealthy, on so many levels. Sexually, because it contains phytoestrogens. Yep, soy has a form of estrogen. When too much of this is in your system, it also can alter your hormones and tank your libido as well.
7.A Diffuser
One of the best things about sex is, if it's done right, it incorporates all five of your senses, smell included. Smell actually plays such an important role in sexual arousal that one study says that the better your sense of smell is, the more enjoyable sex will be.
So, what scents will heighten your sexual sensitivity? Rose, neroli, sandalwood, jasmine, cinnamon, patchouli and ylang ylang essential oils, for starters. You can mix them with a carrier oil like grapeseed, sweet almond and avocado, warm the combo up and have an impromptu couple's massage. Or you can put a combination of the oils into a diffuser which will make your bedroom—or wherever you plan on gettin' it on—smell absolutely amazing.
8.Abdominal and Glutes Exercises

Did you know that we naturally have more stamina than men? This means that we've got more power to endure (wink). But if you want a little more, exercising is the way to get more. If you focus on your abdominal muscles—by doing exercises like sit-ups and planks—it will give you more balance and keep you from feeling as much back pressure or pain. If you work on your glutes—by doing squats and hip extensions—it will loosen up your hips and make it easier to try more sexual positions.
What exercises does your man need to do to build his stamina up? From what I've read—cycling, swimming, high-intensity lifting, stair climbing and jumping rope will definitely do his body and sexual performance a lot of good. Oh, and having sex with you more often. That'll help too.
9.Dirty Talk
When you get a chance, check out Medical Daily's article "The Science of Dirty Talk and Why It Increases Sexual Pleasure". It talks about how our brains are one huge erogenous zone, how the more we talk about sex, the more pleasurable sex is and, how liberating dirty talk can be because it breaks us out of our prim and proper shell, lowers our inhibitions and helps us to express our needs and wants to our partner in a very sensual and alluring kind of way.
If you've never really tried it before, simply whispering what you like or what you would like to transpire is a great way to get things going. Dirty talk has a way of, as Kelly Rowland once sang, keeping you and your partner extremely motivated. (Go…go…go…GO!)
10. Lots and Lots of Lube

If you want to skip all of the supplements, foods and exercise tips, something else that can take your sexual sensitivity up a few notches is lubricant. The more, the better too! The wetter sex is, the more enjoyable, intense and longer-lasting it tends to be. Lubricant also reduces the friction of condoms which makes them less likely to break and helps to prevent microscopic vaginal tears, which means having less of a chance of contracting an STD/STI.
Just make sure that if you're going to buy lube that you go with something like a silicone brand (they're waterproof and also won't damage condoms). Or, if you're going to go with something more natural like coconut oil (a fan favorite, even among medical professionals) that you use it for unprotected sex ONLY; with condoms, the oil can break down its effectiveness. What's natural that is also condom-friendly? Aloe Vera, but make sure that it's 100 percent pure so that the other ingredients won't throw off your vagina's pH balance. Have—lots and lots of—fun!
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Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
4 Healthy Foods That Increase Sexual Pleasure
How To Eat Your Way To Better Sex
Foods That Keep Your Vagina Smelling Right (And The Ones That Don't)
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This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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It’s probably been over the past 2-3 years that I’ve become hyper-focused when it comes to applying certain chemical exfoliants known as acids to my skin. Personally, I’ve come to really appreciate ones like mandelic acid and hyaluronic acid because they have a way of softening my skin, brightening it up and really evening out my complexion overall.
In fact, on my skin, they have been so effective that they have caused me to wonder what would happen if I applied some of them to my hair too — and boy, was it an experiment that paid off big time!
If, while on your continual journey to get the best out of your own tresses, you’d like to learn how to get them healthier than it’s ever been, I’ve got seven acids that are typically known for skin use that can be just as beneficial to your hair as well.
1. Salicylic Acid
When it comes to your skin, salicylic acid is beta-hydroxy acid that is great for your skin if you’re looking for something that will exfoliate it, clear out your pores and dissolve dead skin cells. In fact, this is why it’s an acid that is quite popular when it comes to treating acne.
Your hair will enjoy salicylic acid because, if you’re looking to remove product build-up, you want to soothe an itchy or irritated scalp or you’ve got some dandruff flakes that are totally driving you up the wall, salicylic acid has the ability to treat all of this. Either purchasing a shampoo that contains this ingredient or adding it to your favorite scalp scrub is probably the most effective way to get the most out of it.
Just make sure that if your scalp is sensitive or dry that you approach with caution. In these instances, it could end up irritating your scalp more than helping it out, so use a very little bit in the beginning to make sure that it vibes with you.
2. Lactic Acid
Lactic acid is an alpha hydroxy acid that can help to even out your skin tone as well as slow down the signs of aging. The properties in it help to do this by reducing hyperpigmentation and boosting collagen production in your skin as well as keeping it hydrated.
Why is it great for your locks? For one thing, lactic acid is considered to be a humectant. This means that it pulls water from the air so that your hair is able to remain moisturized.
Another thing that makes it a winner is the fact that lactic acid breaks down dead skin cells on your scalp (so that your hair follicles are able to flourish), it can help to soften and detangle your hair (making it a helpful addition on your wash days) and it also helps to protect your tresses from heat styling tools and UV damage. Applying a hair rinse that’s made up of part lactic acid and part water can work wonderfully (so long as you apply it once a month, tops; more than that might be too “intense” for your hair strands).
3. Glycolic Acid
Glycolic acid is a water-soluble alpha hydroxy acid that is actually made from sugar. Your skin will adore it because it smooths the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, improves the texture of your skin, gently exfoliates, clears your pores and brightens up your complexion overall.
The reasons why you should consider this acid for your hair is because it helps to keep your scalp youthful (and yes, there is such a thing; check out “Your Scalp Ages Six Times Faster Than Your Face. Why It Matters.”), removes excess sebum (that could be clogging up your hair follicles) and it helps to keep your hair moisturized. Your best bet here is to make it a part of your pre-shampooing ritual.
4. Succinic Acid
Succinic acid is an acid that is made from sugar cane and contains antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties. Although it doesn’t exactly exfoliate (like many of these other acids do), it can still be beneficial to your skin when it comes to reducing the kind of irritation that is associated with eczema, decreasing the bacteria that leads to breakouts and keeping your skin pretty hydrated.
As far as your hair goes, this is an acid that is worth trying out because it helps to balance the sebum that is on your scalp, remove dead skin and product build-up that can irritate your scalp and clog your hair follicles and, succinic acid is also beneficial when it comes to reducing dandruff and helping to prevent hair loss. Most people tend to apply this as a serum.
5. Hyaluronic Acid
I’ve officially sung the praises of hyaluronic acid on this platform before. One example is via the article, “Why Your Skin, Hair, And Nails Need Hyaluronic Acid Like...Yesterday.” On the skin tip, hyaluronic acid is great because it deeply hydrates your skin, contains anti-aging properties and can even bring relief to vaginal (including vulvar) dryness.
Your hair will adore this particular acid because it aids moisture to it (including your hair follicles), will help to improve your hair’s texture and it also soothes scalp dryness, nurtures the cuticles of your tresses and decreases frizz. Using a serum rich in this acid as a pre-poo or as a leave-in conditioner is recommended.
6. Azelaic Acid
If you’ve never heard of azelaic acid before, this is your lucky day. It’s a dicarboxylic acid that, when it comes to skincare (and hair care) products, is usually synthetic. Anyway, if you are looking for a way to reduce inflammation, even skin tone after a breakout or if you want to use an exfoliant that will improve the texture of your skin overtime, you might want to give this acid a shot.
This one makes the list as far as your hair is concerned because, if achieving more inches is your current focus, azelaic acid might come in handy. That’s because it is able to strengthen your hair, thicken your strands and also stimulate hair growth from within your hair follicles.
7. Glutamic Acid
Glutamic acid is actually a type of amino acid. Skin-wise, it’s great for deeply hydrating your skin as well as protecting it from pollutants and damaging UV rays. Also, if you’re looking for an acid that treats skin dryness or “tightness,” this could be the answer to your prayers.
Since glutamic acid is also considered to be a humectant, it’s another acid that can moisturize your hair. As a result, it can decrease breakage while helping your hair to feel smooth and look shiny.
BONUS: Amino Acids
Speaking of amino acids and hair, please try to keep some amino acids in your diet at all times. The reason why is because, since your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin, to be exact), amino acids are pretty darn effective when it comes to helping you to maintain the overall health and well-being of your hair.
Ones to prioritize include proline (it boosts collagen so that your hair strands can maintain flexibility); arginine (it increases blood flow to your hair follicles so that they can receive the nutrients that they need); cysteine (it helps to keep your hair follicles healthy); alanine (it helps your system to produce more collagen), and isoleucine (it strengthens the tissues that help to make up your hair strands). All of these are available in supplement form or you can use Google to see which foods contain them.
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Although it might initially seem odd to apply acid to your hair, as you can see, certain ones will work miracles for it. So, test them out to see which one tickles your fancy.
Hell, since they work for your skin as well — it’s a two-for-one deal that is worth every penny!
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