This Financial Expert Swears By Investing In Multiple Investment Accounts
Money Talks is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they spend it.
Most relationships will fail on the surface level due to lack of intimacy, communication or trust, or even falling out of love with one another. However, thanks to Chanel Nicole Scott's relationship platform, CheMinistry, viewers are witnesses to candid conversations between guest speakers during live hosted events about the rise of healthy relationships.
Alongside unequal spiritual wellness and poor communication skills, financial dispositions can also play a factor in the success or failure of any relationship. "I love that my work has allowed me to educate others on the concept of financial literacy and the importance of this kind of discipline when you are engaging in a long-term relationship. Many relationships are about finding common ground, and much of the ground that you cover must include what your financial life and retirement plan will look like for you and your partner," Scott shared with xoNecole.
Courtesy of Chanel Nicole Scott
As the founder and lead organizer behind a relationship platform that has been recognized by stars of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Black Love, and many award-winning singers and songwriters, CheMinistry has attracted a worldwide audience by providing perspective and preparing them for long-lasting, healthy relationships.
The North Carolina native organized CheMinistry to provoke intimate exchange and compelling conversation surrounding romantic relationships with the ultimate goal of bridging the gap between purpose-driven men and women who desire to progressively move their love life to the next level. CheMinistry has featured top influencers and celebrities in pop culture from R&B singer Fantasia and Destiny's Child founding member LaTavia to actresses Demetria McKinney and television personalities Erica Dixon, Drea Kelly, and Debra Antney.
In this installment of "Money Talks", xoNecole spoke with the 45-year-old founder about how to better manage your money with your partner, why relationships fail due to financial instability and the importance of investing for the younger generation.
On the statistics of failed relationships due to financial instability:
"If you consider the most common disagreements in relationships, many of these disagreements are linked to money, egos, and expectations based on society's hierarchy of men versus women in the household. Financial instability creates disconnect, resentment, and even control issues between you and your partner. It is so important to be transparent about your finances AND your debts when you are pursuing a healthy relationship.
"More than 43% of marriages start off in debt. Imagine planning the wedding of your dreams, and then after you've invested all this money into a memory, you come home only to realize you're still in debt. Your issues will start that day!"
On how relationships can be saved through financial wellness and managing money with your partner:
"I would encourage individuals to educate themselves on financial literacy and position yourself to be financially independent before entering a marriage. The simplest of issues that can create a disconnect are the control mechanisms that are enforced when one partner feels they have more financial power––thus more power in the relationship. For couples who find themselves in this position, you can save your marriage simply with open communication."
Courtesy of Chanel Nicole Scott
"Financial instability creates disconnect, resentment, and even control issues between you and your partner. It is so important to be transparent about your finances AND your debts when you are pursuing a healthy relationship. More than 43% of marriages start off in debt."
On how the pandemic has financially impacted couples and how to recover:
"Whew! COVID has challenged couples in so many ways, but definitely financially. Many couples usually have some small sort of disagreement about saving and spending habits, but now more than ever, couples are really having to confront some unhealthy spending habits that are overtly more unhealthy during this pandemic. Having to completely alter how your household is run or led to align with today's current economy is difficult, especially considering that so many people have lost jobs and are having to live off of one partner's income, if any income at all."
On how much she saves and if it’s in a high-yield savings account:
"I do invest money into the Money Market and CD account but with the current economic climate, the yield is very low. A CD account pretty much offers a savings account where you invest a specific amount of money with the bank and agree to let that amount sit over a specific period of time. In reward, banks will offer you a higher interest rate for your money. CD accounts are good because your money is insured by the bank and often has low-risk associations, however, if you do not have a substantial amount of money to get started with a CD account (usually an amount of money that you can afford to do without for a fixed period of time), then I would not suggest starting this account so soon."
On her definitions of wealth and success:
"I believe wealth is defined as the ability to leave a generational blessing for those who come after me. Success is the capacity to know and operate in my God-given purpose. A lot of people feel that wealth and success go hand-in-hand. I feel that success has a lot to do with personal gratification. When you have reached a space where you are generally satisfied with your place in life, most people feel successful. Wealth I feel is more of a tangible experience. It allows you to acquire certain luxuries that, usually, generations after you should be able to benefit from."
Courtesy of Chanel Nicole Scott
"When you're faced with life challenges, you often find your peak of strength and creativity. You find yourself learning how to make something out of nothing, and at my lowest points, I've learned that being tested isn't a bad thing, but more so a transitional period."
On the lowest she’s ever felt when it came to her finances and how she overcame it:
"There was a point in my life where I lost everything chasing after what I believed to be my purpose, but in the midst of it all, I was able to tap into the gifts and talents that I didn't even know I possessed. I [co-wrote] a book about it Girl Powered Uncensored, a compilation of women stories [in the first chapter]. I had to reset. I literally started all over again and am re-building, but this time I have the wisdom to make better decisions about my purpose and what I was actually put here to do. When you're faced with life challenges, you often find your peak of strength and creativity. You find yourself learning how to make something out of nothing, and at my lowest points, I've learned that being tested isn't a bad thing, but more so a transitional period."
On her biggest splurge to date:
"I think my biggest splurge would be my car. I love cars, just like other people like bags and shoes, but I like those, too. My thought process behind all of my purchases is that if I work for it, then I can have it. Unlike some, I don't believe in buying anything that I don't want or settling for less, I'd rather wait until I can actually afford what I want."
On whether she’s a spender or a saver:
"I'm definitely a spender, but I save money by allocating portions of my income to be deposited into different accounts for monthly living expenses, spending accounts, and savings accounts."
On the importance of investing:
"If I could offer any advice to younger generations, it would be to start investing early or encourage your parents to set you up to invest. Ask questions early-on. Investing early makes the difference between a 15-year retirement plan and a 40-year retirement plan. When you reach your mid-20's you start wanting to really experience life, hence why you need money. By the time you're 30, you want to live for you and live unapologetically (hence you need money). By the time you are 40 plus, you want peace, stability, and financial freedom to move comfortably and take care of your family, hence you need money. Investing really prepares you for each level of desired stability."
Courtesy of Chanel Nicole Scott
"Investing early makes the difference between a 15-year retirement plan and a 40-year retirement plan. When you reach your mid-20's you start wanting to really experience life, hence why you need money. By the time you're 30, you want to live for you and live unapologetically (hence you need money). By the time you are 40 plus, you want peace, stability, and financial freedom to move comfortably and take care of your family, hence you need money. Investing really prepares you for each level of desired stability."
On her savings goals and what retirement looks like to her:
"With the changing economy, my retirement plan is continuously evolving. Currently, I make contributions into a 401K in addition to an MMA and CD account. The current state of the economy has shown everyone, especially me, that having one plan is not enough. There are many people who were set to retire in 2020, thought they planned accordingly for retirement, and as soon as we entered this pandemic, many finance plans were challenged. Everyone's retirement plan is currently still evolving in order to prepare for the unthinkable future."
On her budgeting must-haves:
"I must have a food-spend budget. I'm a single woman with no children and I'm a foodie. Besides, I don't cook. I have a separate account that I deposit money into just for food expenses."
On her intentions behind multiple streams of revenue:
"In my business, we've created a stream of income through ticket sales and we also provide a vendor experience as a part of the live event. The event is fairly large so it can be quite lucrative. I've also created brand merchandise. However, with the recent changes in the economy due to COVID-19, we're still in the process of revamping 'how' we do business."
On unhealthy money habits and mindsets:
"Impulsive spending is definitely a bad habit of mine. If I see it and I want it, I buy it. Sometimes I have to talk myself off the ledge, but I think developing a clear financial picture of what your savings goals are and where you see yourself in a particular time frame helps with creating an effective financial plan. I'm still trying to make those changes, but I do spend less when I 'think' through my purchases!"
On her money mantra:
"'Give and it shall be given to you; good measure, press downed, shaken together, and running over.'"
On the craziest thing she’s ever done for money:
"I don't think it was crazy, but I did UberEats a few years back when I moved to Atlanta. I was still in the process of building my business and securing permanent employment and I needed the extra money. It did a 'doozy' to my car with the number of miles I racked up but hey you do what you've got to do."
On the worst money-related decision she’s ever made:
"Spending too much money when you 'have it' or not being diligent enough in my decision-making. I would advise anyone in business when making financial decisions regarding your business to make decisions as if you had little-to-no money. Talk through all your purchases and ask as many questions as possible to make better decisions."
On her budget breakdown:
How much do you spend on rent? $1,600
Eating out/ordering in? $400
Gas/car note? $800
Personal expenses? $450
For more of Chanel, follow her on Twitter!
Featured image courtesy of Chanel Nicole Scott.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images