

Kehlani Parrish, a 23-year-old singer/songwriter from Oakland, CA is currently living her best life.
The talented performer has been killing it since she was a kid on America's Got Talent and now she works with some of the hottest names in the game while she isn't slaying New York Fashion week or launching an app, or creating opportunities for the LGBT community. Yeah, we love her too.
And not because she's this month's "It" girl, but because we knew what it took for her to get here. Recently, Kehlani told Cosmopolitanmagazine:
"I'm just a firm believer in you're always being prepared for your blessings because blessings are huge. If I hadn't got prepared to get so many nos and to be closed on so many times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the heavy heavy great things that happened. It was all preparation."
And as she learned, falling is just a part of learning how to truly take flight. When asked what she would tell a younger version of herself, she said:
"I would tell her to keep in mind, things are coming so don't beat yourself so hard that you keep getting somewhere good and falling. Getting somewhere good, and falling. Because those falls are literally just to make the rises so much better".
Let's be honest, when you're a smart and successful woman with potential and opportunity there is no room for complaining or weakness. The superwoman complex is dangerous and unrealistic and takes a toll of women of color in a major way. Kehlani was kicking down doors in the industry and had finally found her place in the game when she was ambushed by a bogus tabloid story gone viral in 2016.
The media had no mercy and Kehlani was met with attacks so ruthless that she deleted all of her social media accounts and attempted suicide. In a since-deleted Instagram post, she captioned:
"I wanted to leave this Earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I'd get to such a low point."
The way that the internet reacted to this dark time in Kehlani's life makes a powerful statement about how we as a community and the outside world perceive mental health and women of color in positions of power.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be on stage. I looked at artists like Janet Jackson and Beyonce and I've always thought to myself, wow. I can't believe they're so amazing while all of those people stare at them. How are they not dying of anxiety? I thought they were superhuman and wanted to be just like them. I couldn't sing so I started kicking rhymes and wanted to be a rap star. I wanted people to care what I had to say, like they did Janet and B.
I was given a shot at my dream when I was 18 and featured on a reality show on MTV. So much of my life was put out to the public and I realized that there is duality to the spotlight that I desired. Not only did people see me when I was graceful and talented, but they saw me when I was weak and vulnerable, and it was a horrible feeling.
I began taking antidepressants and even though I had struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was 10, my thoughts became louder and more subtle than ever before.
"I wish I could just not wake up tomorrow." Or, "I never do anything right, I bet if I died everyone would be better off."
I read what spectators had to say about me on social media, and my anxiety increased. This was the first time I had actually wanted to die. After I had gotten everything I prayed for. I was on TV. Everyone was watching me. But I couldn't breathe.
It was difficult for me to write this article because what's even scarier than killing myself, is letting my friends and family know that it was something that I had thought about… more than once.
I know that I'll either be met with criticism that I'm too dramatic or met with pity, guilt, and disconnected sympathy.
So I buried my thoughts in my indulgence. I indulged in lethal combinations of Xanax and Adderall, or in the men that I loved, or just made love to. All so that I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts. I felt that after I had been on TV, people would just keep asking what I would do next and I had no clue. Kehlani teaches us all the value of shake back season.
I had been watching her story for years, and when I saw how the media attacked her after she expressed her mental illness I was disgusted and sad for her. I realized I felt that same pity that I didn't want my friends and family to show me, and I developed a new respect for her.
She told The Cruz Show in 2016:
"I wasn't a victim, you know what I mean. I'm never a victim, I refuse to be a victim—I'm not. It was really recovering from so many things at once…on the flip side, there's not too much that can hurt me now."
Kehlani was able to confront her demons on a public spectrum and became a worldwide inspiration. She is now one of the most notable names in the R&B industry appearing in Vogue, being recently featured in A Wrinkle in Time soundtrack, and working with huge artists like DJ Khaled. Kehlani also recently partnered up with Eminem to speak out against gun violence.
Despite the viral trauma that nearly burned her to the ground, she was able to channel the Phoenix that is deep inside of all of us and rise from the ashes to slay the world.
Featured image via Tenor
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
My personal relationship with birth control pills is a bit of an odd one. Back when I first became sexually active (I started having sex with my first boyfriend a couple of months shy of 19), I took them for a couple of months, didn’t like how they made me feel, and so I quit using them altogether (and got pregnant almost immediately after). The rest of my adult life, I stayed off of the pill and pretty much only used condoms (and even then, not consistently — SMDH).
And yet here I am, now, all these years later, back on them again: surprise, surprise.
These days, it's for a completely different purpose, though. Now that I am in the hopefully latter stages of perimenopause (I’m not sure because my mother had a full hysterectomy at 29, her mother died at 53 and I don’t deal with my paternal grandmother because…chile… ) — although I have always had relatively easy cycles and I could definitely set my watch to them, about two years ago, my periods started to show up whenever they felt like it and it was damn near a crime scene once they did.
It was driving me crazy, and so, my nurse practitioner recommended that I take progestin-only pills to shorten, if not completely stop, my cycle: “After a year or so, we can wean off and see if you are entering into menopause on your own.” (Whew, perimenopause, chile.)
Although the first five months of being on this particular pill made me wonder if it was worth it to take this approach, I actually re-upped for another 12-month cycle because the extra progestin (a synthetic form of progesterone) has benefitted me in other areas as well because I am sleeping more soundly and my weight is more stabilized (by the way, when these things are “off,” they are signs of low progesterone levels). However, I did ask my nurse practitioner if, once I do decide to wean off of the pill, would there be any issues.
Her response is what inspired me to write this article because, until she said “post-birth control syndrome” to me, I had no idea there was such a thing. Anyway, if you give me a sec, I’ll explain to you what it is and why you should care if hormone-related birth control is currently a part of your life.
Yes, Post-Birth Control Syndrome Is a Very Real Thing
Okay, so it’s important to always remember that the way that birth control works is it “manipulates” your hormones so that you can significantly reduce your chances of conceiving. This means that taking them could result in some side effects including nausea; weight gain; headaches; irregular periods and/or spotting; increased stress; depression; blurry vision; breast tenderness, and/or a lowered libido.
That said, even though birth control pills are basically 99 percent effective (when taken correctly and consistently), if the side effects that you are experiencing are making you close to miserable, you should absolutely share that with your healthcare provider because…what’s the sense in preventing pregnancy when you don’t even feel up to having sex because you don’t feel good or your sex drive is shot? More times than not, your provider can find you another pill brand or option that will help you to feel more like yourself.
With that out of the way, think about it — if going on the pill can produce side effects, why would going off of it…not? And this is where post-birth control syndrome comes in.
For the most part, it’s what can happen to your body once you decide to come off of birth control. Typically, the symptoms will last anywhere between 4-6 months and, although the symptoms seem to present themselves most intensely as it relates to going off of the pill, any hormone-related birth control (like IUDs, injections, patches, the ring or implants) could produce similar outcomes.
Outcomes like what?
- Irregular cycles
- Breakouts
- Excessive gas and/or bloating
- Weight gain
- Anxiety and/or depression
- Fertility issues
- Migraines and/or headaches
- Shifts in your libido
- Sleeplessness/restlessness
- Hair loss
Whoa, right? And if a part of you is wondering, “Okay, if this is indeed the case, why have I not heard of this syndrome before?” It’s because it’s not a term that conventional method uses nearly as much as alternative medicine does. Still, it makes all of the sense in the world that if your body has to adjust to an uptick in hormonal intake, it would also need to adjust to removing those extra doses of hormones from your system as well. COMMON. DAMN. SENSE.
Anyway, if you were thinking about taking a break from birth control and taking all of this in has you feeling a bit…let’s go with the word “trepidatious” about doing so, I totally get it. There are some things that you can do to make experiencing post-birth control syndrome either a non-issue or a far more bearable one, though.
7 Home Remedies That Can Make Coping with Post-Birth Control Syndrome Easier
1. Take a multivitamin.Something that’s fascinating about what going off of birth control can do is it sometimes has the ability to lower your nutrition levels as it relates to certain vitamins and minerals; this is especially the case when it comes to vitamins B, C, E and minerals like magnesium, selenium and zinc. So, if you don’t currently take a multivitamin, now would be the time to start (along with consuming foods that are particularly high in those nutrients as well).
2. Up your vitamin D intake. Speaking of nutrient levels, a vitamin level that commonly drops after going off of birth control isvitamin D. This is hella critical to keep in mind as a Black woman since many of us tend to be naturally deficient in the vitamin as-is and vitamin D is important when it comes to fighting off diseases, regulating weight and keeping your moods stabilized (for starters). So, make sure that your multivitamin has vitamin D in it. Also make sure to consume vitamin D-enriched foods like fatty fish, eggs, mushrooms, yogurt and fortified orange juice.
3. Drink herbal teas. Since going off of birth control will cause your hormones to be all over the place for a season, consider drinking some herbal teas that will help to stabilize them. Black cohosh contains phytoestrogen properties, Chasteberry can help to level out your prolactin levels and green tea can help your hormones out by helping to balance out your insulin (which can sometimes directly affect them).
4. Keep some ibuprofen nearby. The headaches and migraines? Until those subside, you and ibuprofen are probably going to become really good friends; although I will add that ginger tea and inhaling essential oils like chamomile and lavender can help to ease migraine-related symptoms too.
5. Do some meditating. Waiting for your hormones to get back on track can be stressful as all get out. That said, something that can get your cortisol (stress hormone) levels to chill out is to meditate. If meditation is new for you, check out “7 Meditation Hacks (For People Who Can't Seem To Do It).”
6. Get massages. As if you needed an excuse to get a massage, right (check out “12 Different Massage Types. How To Know Which Is Right For You.”)? However, there is some evidence to back the fact that regular massages (somewhere around once a month) can help to lower your stress, boost your dopamine, increase blood flow and drain your lymphatic system so that you will have more energy.
7. Sleep/rest more. There is plenty of scientific research out here which says that sleep deprivation can throw your hormones out of whack — and since your hormones are already trying to stabilize themselves, you definitely need to get 6-8 hours of sleep and not feel the least bit guilty about taking naps sometimes too.
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Post-birth control syndrome may not be the most pleasant thing about getting off of birth control yet it is manageable. So, now that you know all about it, you can feel more confident about taking a birth control break (or getting off altogether) — without the surprises that can come with doing it. Give thanks.
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