Kehlani Reminds Us That Sometimes You Fall Before You Fly
Kehlani Parrish, a 23-year-old singer/songwriter from Oakland, CA is currently living her best life.
The talented performer has been killing it since she was a kid on America's Got Talent and now she works with some of the hottest names in the game while she isn't slaying New York Fashion week or launching an app, or creating opportunities for the LGBT community. Yeah, we love her too.
And not because she's this month's "It" girl, but because we knew what it took for her to get here. Recently, Kehlani told Cosmopolitanmagazine:
"I'm just a firm believer in you're always being prepared for your blessings because blessings are huge. If I hadn't got prepared to get so many nos and to be closed on so many times, I wouldn't be able to appreciate all the heavy heavy great things that happened. It was all preparation."
And as she learned, falling is just a part of learning how to truly take flight. When asked what she would tell a younger version of herself, she said:
"I would tell her to keep in mind, things are coming so don't beat yourself so hard that you keep getting somewhere good and falling. Getting somewhere good, and falling. Because those falls are literally just to make the rises so much better".
Let's be honest, when you're a smart and successful woman with potential and opportunity there is no room for complaining or weakness. The superwoman complex is dangerous and unrealistic and takes a toll of women of color in a major way. Kehlani was kicking down doors in the industry and had finally found her place in the game when she was ambushed by a bogus tabloid story gone viral in 2016.
The media had no mercy and Kehlani was met with attacks so ruthless that she deleted all of her social media accounts and attempted suicide. In a since-deleted Instagram post, she captioned:
"I wanted to leave this Earth. Being completely selfish for once. Never thought I'd get to such a low point."
The way that the internet reacted to this dark time in Kehlani's life makes a powerful statement about how we as a community and the outside world perceive mental health and women of color in positions of power.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be on stage. I looked at artists like Janet Jackson and Beyonce and I've always thought to myself, wow. I can't believe they're so amazing while all of those people stare at them. How are they not dying of anxiety? I thought they were superhuman and wanted to be just like them. I couldn't sing so I started kicking rhymes and wanted to be a rap star. I wanted people to care what I had to say, like they did Janet and B.
I was given a shot at my dream when I was 18 and featured on a reality show on MTV. So much of my life was put out to the public and I realized that there is duality to the spotlight that I desired. Not only did people see me when I was graceful and talented, but they saw me when I was weak and vulnerable, and it was a horrible feeling.
I began taking antidepressants and even though I had struggled with thoughts of suicide since I was 10, my thoughts became louder and more subtle than ever before.
"I wish I could just not wake up tomorrow." Or, "I never do anything right, I bet if I died everyone would be better off."
I read what spectators had to say about me on social media, and my anxiety increased. This was the first time I had actually wanted to die. After I had gotten everything I prayed for. I was on TV. Everyone was watching me. But I couldn't breathe.
It was difficult for me to write this article because what's even scarier than killing myself, is letting my friends and family know that it was something that I had thought about… more than once.
I know that I'll either be met with criticism that I'm too dramatic or met with pity, guilt, and disconnected sympathy.
So I buried my thoughts in my indulgence. I indulged in lethal combinations of Xanax and Adderall, or in the men that I loved, or just made love to. All so that I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts. I felt that after I had been on TV, people would just keep asking what I would do next and I had no clue. Kehlani teaches us all the value of shake back season.
I had been watching her story for years, and when I saw how the media attacked her after she expressed her mental illness I was disgusted and sad for her. I realized I felt that same pity that I didn't want my friends and family to show me, and I developed a new respect for her.
She told The Cruz Show in 2016:
"I wasn't a victim, you know what I mean. I'm never a victim, I refuse to be a victim—I'm not. It was really recovering from so many things at once…on the flip side, there's not too much that can hurt me now."
Kehlani was able to confront her demons on a public spectrum and became a worldwide inspiration. She is now one of the most notable names in the R&B industry appearing in Vogue, being recently featured in A Wrinkle in Time soundtrack, and working with huge artists like DJ Khaled. Kehlani also recently partnered up with Eminem to speak out against gun violence.
Despite the viral trauma that nearly burned her to the ground, she was able to channel the Phoenix that is deep inside of all of us and rise from the ashes to slay the world.
Featured image via Tenor
Taylor "Pretty" Honore is a spiritually centered and equally provocative rapper from Baton Rouge, Louisiana with a love for people and storytelling. You can probably find me planting herbs in your local community garden, blasting "Back That Thang Up" from my mini speaker. Let's get to know each other: @prettyhonore.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images