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How To Stop Having A 'Knee-Jerk Reaction' To Everything
Do you ever think back to a television show or movie that you used to really enjoy and, while you still have a powerful amount of nostalgic feelings for it, years later, you can't help but give it major side-eye?
That's how I feel about the original Beverly Hills, 90210. Although the reruns immediately take me back to when I was in high school and even college, Lord, did they have some pretty racially-ridiculous episodes (like the one that had Vivica A. Foxx in it or the one when West Beverly High was scared to have a dance with a Black high school). And where were the Black people?! OK. But I digress.
The reason why I'm bringing it up at all is because there was an episode when fine-as-he-wanna-be Brandon was dating this chick named Emily. One night, she got him on ecstasy without telling him. When he found out and broke up with her, she made up a lame reason to spend the night at his house in order to seduce him. They made out for a bit and then he stopped and told her he was done. The next day, when Emily told Brandon that she didn't believe him because of how into her he was while he was on drugs, he said something that has always stayed with me:
(Paraphrased) "Emily, that was nothing more than a physical reaction…like when your doctor hits you on the knee or something. It didn't mean anything."
Hmph. Don't get me started on how a lot of us could stand to ponder that when it comes to casual sex in general. But when it comes to the focus of this particular piece, as a pseudo-pop-off-in-recovery, there are also some of us who could live a much simpler and peace-filled life if when something or someone triggers us, we wait for the immediate impulse to pass before saying or doing anything too.
Because, like Brandon, oftentimes once the initial feeling subsides, we calm down and our common sense takes over, we tend to see the situation—or at least how to approach it—very differently. Sometimes, whatever "it" was didn't mean as much to us as our feelings first told us that it did.
If you know you are prone to have knee-jerk reactions to everything, here's what I've learned to do in order to reroute taking that kind of approach:
Relax. Relate. Release. Literally.
True A Different World fans know where the phrase "relax, relate, release" comes from—Whitley's therapist (played by Debbie Allen). In one episode, as she was expressing to Whitley that Whitley couldn't control Dwayne's feelings, only her own, the therapist introduced what we all should keep in the back of our minds whenever we're offended, anxious, or straight-up pissed: "You need to relax, relate, and release into reality."
The reality is, oftentimes us going off only makes matters worse. So, no matter what has transpired, take a moment to breathe deeply (relax), think about what's got you so heated (relate), and release as much pop-off energy as possible before saying or doing anything else.
Respond vs. React
Have mercy, the amount of drama I could've spared in my life if I had mastered this, years and years ago. Although responding and reacting might seem like the same thing on the surface, they aren't. When you're responding to something, you're reacting in a way that is favorable (a way that is positive or at least advantageous). When you're reacting, you're either reciprocating what was done to you or you're acting in opposition to something or someone. See how responding is a lot more beneficial than reacting?
Now, I'm not saying that by choosing to respond, you have to be a doormat or punk yourself out. I'm just saying that…if your co-worker says something crazy, if your boyfriend does something inconsiderate, if you and Comcast are having it out for the third time this month (SMH), take a moment to think about what you can say or do that will work in your favor rather than against it. Thinking before doing is the cornerstone wisdom of responding vs. reacting.
Remember That Nothing Is EVER Truly Deleted Online
Two reads that are worth checking are the think piece "Social Media Has Created a Generation of Self-Obsessed Narcissists" and a science-based article "Narcissism and Social Networking." They both provide some interesting food for thought that back up another reason why a lot of us are probably having more knee-jerk reactions than ever—we are constantly taking in info and commenting online. As a direct result, we've become soooooooo opinionated that we sometimes forget that other people have the right to their opinions too; that they shouldn't be cyberbullied into thinking like we do. (Narcissism is a beast, y'all.)
Back when I used to have a Facebook page, I must admit, things were pretty lively on it. It was more of a "Hey, check out this article and let's all discuss" kind of forum and one of my rules was no comment (even when folks came for me) got removed. Boy oh boy, did that lead to some pretty interesting conversations/debates/flat-out arguments.
On one hand, it was cool to see and take in so many different perspectives. At the same time, it can get really easy to be so comfortable sitting in our homes while hamming away at our keyboards that we forget we're not just talking to a handful of individuals. Unless we're inboxing or DM'ing (and even then, things are usually not as "private" as we'd like to think), there is an entire audience of other individuals who are watching (which sometimes means trolling) too. Strangers. Acquaintances. Enemies. Haters. Even bosses or prospective employers.
A wise man once said, "The internet is not written in pencil but ink." When it comes to your online activity, if you find yourself getting offended or even just feeling some type of way, walk away from your computer or put your phone down for 10 minutes or so. Listen to a favorite song or hit up a friend and vent your frustrations before you decide to type anything.
If you don't do that, while you can delete whatever your emotional reaction was, if it was inflammatory enough, there's a chance someone caught it (and saved it) before you could remove it. And shoot, even if you do remove it, when it comes to what's expressed in cyberspace, it's still around…somewhere (check out "Experts: Deleted Online Information Never Actually Goes Away").
Embrace the Sensei Power of Silence
Sometimes, when my pop-off spirit wants to rise up and take over, I'll think back to Mr. Miyagi from the original The Karate Kid. Remember how calm he was when he was teaching Daniel-san how to fight? (#waxonwaxoff) Mr. Miyagi was always so calm and soft-spoken, no matter how mad Daniel got. Why? Because he knew his own power. He didn't have to prove it.
Trust you me, lately, I have been floored by some of the nasty capabilities of human nature. But now, more than ever, I have learned that silence is not only golden, it's oftentimes the most effective approach to matters. Leonardo da Vinci once said, "Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence." Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." Euripides once said, "Silence is true wisdom's best reply."
When you know your own strength and power, you also know how important it is to conserve it. Silence is not a weakness. It is a tried and true superpower.
Ask Yourself If You Can Stand by Your Actions a Month from Now
Because I've learned all of what I just shared, I'm going to leave the details out. But something happened to me recently that, let me just say would've had Shellie from two years ago using some of the dirty cuss words. Shellie circa 2019 is like, "I don't even feel like dealing with the fallout later." Avoiding the drama that could ensue from me "getting things off of my chest" makes it worth it to just…leave things where they are.
Back to the whole doctor hitting you on the knee thing, when something or someone gets underneath your skin, it's a natural reaction to what to do something. Don't feel bad about that part. All I'm saying is they already used up some of your precious energy and time, even if it's just internally. Before giving them even more of it, decide if you want to possibly deal with the consequence of your knee-jerk reaction a month or even a year from now. If the answer is "no," then do what you need to resolve the matter without making it bigger than it already is.
Knee-jerk reactions are understandable. More times than not, they are also totally unnecessary.
As someone who used to be the queen of doing what was unnecessary, please choose wisely, y'all.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
In My Feelings: Why You Can't Let Your Emotions Control You - Read More
The Empath's Guide To An Emotionally-Balanced Life - Read More
10 Things That Are Making Your Life Unnecessarily Complicated - Read More
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
How This New Bond Repair Line Transformed One Mother's Postpartum Shedding Into The Ultimate Curl Comeback
This article is in partnership with SheaMoisture
For Crystal Obasanya, her wash day woes came shortly after her son did. The beauty and lifestyle content creator had been natural for years, but during postpartum, she quickly learned about one reality many mothers can relate to experiencing: postpartum hair loss. “Sis had thinning hair. Sis had split ends,” she shared about her hair changes in a Reel via xoNecole.
Over a year into her postpartum journey, Crystal explained she also had dry, brittle hair, noting that keeping it hydrated before pregnancy had already been “a task.” The 4C natural recalled going from thick hair during pregnancy to a thin hairline due to postpartum shedding as “devastating.” When it came to strengthening and revitalizing her hair, the new SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection was just the thing she needed to elevate her damaged coils to revive and thrive status and get them poppin' again.
SheaMoisture is providing us with the cheat code for transforming dry and damaged strands into thriving and deeply nourished crowns. By unveiling their 4-step hair system, the SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is equipping you with the tools to reverse signs of hair damage caused by protective styling, heat, and color and is uniquely formulated for Type 3 and 4 hair textures.
The haircare system revives damaged natural hair by repairing and rebuilding broken hair bonds through a game-changing combination of HydroPlex Technology and AminoBlend Complex, a unique blend of fortifying amino acids formulated specifically for curly and coily hair. Scientifically proven to reduce breakage by 84% and make your hair six times stronger (vs. non-conditioning shampoo), the collection infuses your hair with the nourishment it craves and the strength it deserves.
All five products of the SheaMoisture Bond Collection are infused with natural strengthening ingredients like Amla Oil and fair-trade shea butter. The collection consists of the 4-step breakage-fighting Bond Repair system, as well as the Bonding Oil.
“When trying it out, I quickly noticed that my hair felt revived and renewed, and my curls were so hydrated,” Crystal said while using the Amla-infused Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner. “I also felt my hair strands were stronger.” So much so that the influencer felt brave enough to get her hair braided shortly thereafter. “I can definitely say that I will be keeping it in my hair wash routine,” she added in the caption of her Reel about her positive experience using the products.
SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection is making bond-building a key player in your wash day routines and the purveyor of life for thirsty manes. Because who doesn't want stronger, shinier, happier hair?
Step One: Bond Repair Collection Shampoo
Rejuvenate your hair with SheaMoisture Bond Repair Shampoo, your go-to solution for luscious locks. Packed with hella hydration power, this shampoo adds moisture by 60% while removing buildup without stripping your strands. This shampoo gently cleanses impurities while significantly enhancing shine, smoothness, and softness.
The Bond Repair Collection Shampoo is the first step in the 4-step Bond Repair system, all of which are powered by the uniquely formulated AminoBlend, and HydroPlex, SheaMoisture’s technology that rebuilds hair strength at its core.
Step Two: Bond Repair Collection Conditioner
Tailored to repair styling damage, this creamy conditioner locks in 12x more moisture than standard non-conditioning shampoos, boosting damaged hair strength by 1.5x with significantly less breakage. The creamy SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Conditioner deeply hydrates, enhances manageability, and leaves your hair looking healthier and shinier.
Step Three: Bond Repair Collection Masque
This Ultra Moisturizing reparative masque is a moisture-rich game-changer for those dealing with the aftermath of hair damage caused by styling. The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Masque delivers 13 times more moisture compared to non-conditioning shampoos, ensuring your hair feels nourished and soft. Designed to repair and rejuvenate, this masque significantly strengthens damaged hair — making it twice as strong while reducing breakage.
Step Four: Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner
Elevate your curl game with SheaMoisture’s Bond Repair Collection Leave-In Conditioner. Lightweight and hydrating, the Bond Repair Leave-In Conditioner provides 12x more moisture than non-conditioning shampoos and tames frizz with 24-hour humidity control. Designed to define curls and coils, the leave-in conditioner enhances softness and shine allowing you to detangle effortlessly.
Bonding Oil
The SheaMoisture Bond Repair Collection Bonding Oil is a multitasking all-in-one formula that acts as a heat protectant and provides the hair with moisture, strength, shine, damage protection, and intense nourishment. This lightweight oil not only offers 24-hour frizz and humidity control but also fortifies your tresses, making them up to 5 times stronger with significantly less breakage.
Featured image courtesy
How Investing In The Underdogs Helped This Woman Become A Multimillionaire
Money Talks is an xoNecole series where we talk candidly to real women about how they spend money, their relationship with money, and how they get it.
Chestine “Danni” Washington’s journey started off like so many others I know. Yet today, she’s made over $5 million in one month and casually took our Zoom call from a balcony in Cabo. Danni comes from a loving family who supported her. And while she may not have gotten everything she wanted growing up, she never wanted for a thing. But her path started to take a unique road when she made the decision to change her career journey from dentistry to psychology in college. Unfortunately, her parents didn’t see that as a viable career choice and made the decision to cut her off financially – thus fueling her journey.
Today, she's a multimillionaire who is grateful for them pushing her to be better, and that passion for mental health is as prevalent as ever. Previously, Danni earned two master's degrees and happily worked for three years as a therapist before transitioning to a behavioral analyst. But after having her second child, she decided to start a “side business,” which now has over 30 locations. She also owns a restaurant franchise, The Peach Cobbler Factory, and Chance for Change in Fort Worth, which helps men recently released from prison deal with mental health struggles and job placement.
So how did this woman conquer boldly following her passions while increasing her bag? She broke it down in this exclusive conversation with xoNecole.
Have you always been good with money?
Girl, no, not in college! I did what I wanted to do. I had my parents and everybody else helping out in the beginning. But I’ve always been a woman of my word. If I say I’m going to do or learn something, I will. It may take a little longer, but I’ll get it done. Every company that I own, I worked on it myself. From the EIN number to marketing.
For example, I remember I worked with an autistic child who was completely nonverbal. I helped the 4-year-old for 4-6 months and eventually got him to speak. Later as a thank you, the family tried to give me a check for $15,000, and I turned it down because I thought I’d get fired. So they ended up reaching out to my supervisor, and she advised me to accept it. I used that check to open my first tax office, and I still keep up with them.
Courtesy
Wow, that’s a really different field. When you started that business, were there elements you were unaware of that you needed to grow your business? Can you talk to me about them?
Yeah, we all need great mentors to learn and grow. Like, if you want to be a millionaire, you need a millionaire mentor. An example that sticks out is once I had a brand new EFIN number (which is needed to file taxes as a company). Everyone was telling me with a new EFIN; you have to work under someone else to file taxes – which I had been doing. And it just so happened that this guy named Reggie answered the phone; today he’s still my mentor. He ended up giving me the bank products and everything I needed to go out on my own. To this day, he helps me market, save, and manage. Because I still want to buy different things sometimes, but I stop because I know I should invest the money.
What's your splurge?
I’m still working on that. (laughs)
I feel like when you work hard, you have to reward yourself. Just like when you’re working with a child with autism, if they do something right – you should award them. But lately, God has been telling me before you buy that new car, you should probably invest in that restaurant. The only time I save money, though is if it’s in an IRA. Money sitting in a savings account doesn’t grow. So I look at savings like I might as well spend it or invest it.
"The only time I save money, though is if it’s in an IRA. Money sitting in a savings account doesn’t grow. So I look at savings like I might as well spend it or invest it."
Okay, now I have to ask, how much do you make per year or what’s the most you’ve made?
Through my tax company, we have over 11,000 clients. So how it works is, you’ll start working in December and begin getting paid in mid-February. But we have the “big drop,” that means that with 11,000 clients, like 3,000 will drop at the same time. So that first drop was $2.1 million, the second was $1.3 million, and after that it was like $900,000. It keeps diminishing, but we keep getting paid until around October.
So for example, in the month of February, I made over $5 million.
Oh, my God. I think it’s important for people to know they can really work to change their finances like you did. So can you do me a favor? Hold on to what you just said, and take me back to when you were struggling financially.
You know I had great parents. We didn’t have what we wanted, but we had what we needed. That’s why I’m so humble now. We weren't wearing designer, but we had nice clothes. They worked regular jobs. I think my parents wanted me to be a dentist, but I always loved talking with others. So when I changed my major to psychology – they cut me off. I had to work two jobs in college, and I’ve had cars returned. But I’ve always been a person that knew I could figure it out. So I really thank them for that, because it made me stronger.
What’s the best and worst business advice you’ve been given?
The best is to hire people that other people look down on. And the worst has been the reverse, hiring popular people. I hire people who work at chicken and fish plants, fast food chains, warehouses, and etc. I like people who have a story to tell, and they’re more loyal. My director used to work at Church’s Chicken, and she made over $200,000 this year. I’m really happy for her because she’s opening her own office now.
Yes, love that! When your finances started to change, were there day-to-day changes you had to make to maintain your financial status?
It wasn’t about doing more. It was more about limiting baggage. Don’t get me wrong, I miss some friendships. But sometimes you have to eliminate partying and stuff. When I got my first tax location and made $80,000, I blew it. I bought two cars, and by the last quarter, I had $2,000 left to my name.
I really had to go into a corner and focus. I’m very friendly, but my peace means everything to me. People can really come in and throw everything off.
"It wasn’t about doing more. It was more about limiting baggage. Don’t get me wrong, I miss some friendships. But sometimes you have to eliminate partying and stuff. When I got my first tax location and made $80,000, I blew it. I bought two cars, and by the last quarter, I had $2,000 left to my name."
This sounds personal. Are you speaking from an experience you can share?
Yeah. I mean, it was an ex-boyfriend. By the time I started dating, I was used to managing money. But that person couldn’t manage money, and I was the backbone. It was draining. I don’t mind going 50/50, but 100% is a lot.
You seem like you’re managing a lot. I’m curious: who is in your tribe? Who do you vent to?
Honestly, I vent to God. I don’t confide in people. I have a set of good friends, but I don’t get personal with anyone except God – and maybe my mom. People feel like they can judge you, and I don’t like that.
That’s true. Well, do you have a specific prayer or money mantra?
I talk to my prophet every Monday. I do cleanses. I don’t pray every day, but I’m working on it. But I do keep to a routine. Keeping to a routine is how to be consistent in everything and a daily to-do list.
Lastly, what is your final goal? Is there something you’re still aspiring to do?
I want to start traveling to different countries and giving back. I’d like to do that for a year. I don’t think I’ll start another business venture for a while. There’s been so much confusion and work. I’m just traveling and enjoying life right now.
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