Jordyn Woods On Bossing Up, Forgiveness & Why She’s Choosing Herself
The comeback is always greater than the setback. And in the case of Jordyn Woods, the aftermath of an evanescent storm that was her personal life is looking like the biggest f*ck you. Because instead of staying down, the now 22-year-old bossed up, releasing clothing lines, fitness guides, making big-screen moves, and on-stage singing debuts that have her 11.6 million Instagram fans on the edge of their seats wondering what other tricks the California girl has up her sleeve.
Nearly a month into quarantine we hop on a call from our respective homes, nearly 3,000 miles away from one another. After navigating the distractions of our temporary living situations, we settle into a flow of conversation that is part-interview and part-girl talk. Days blend together just as seamlessly as her foundation, but Woods pays it no mind. With every sunrise comes a new opportunity to set the pace for her success.
"I wake up and I always create a million things for myself to do, so I don't stay bored during this," she says in reference to the quarantine life that millions have recently adopted.
What fans see is a fresh-faced Woods posting picture-perfect selfies and bodacious body shots, but behind the scenes, she's building an empire. Fresh off of an impressive run on the hit celebrity singing show, The Masked Singer, Woods is revealing more than just her vocal chops. Underneath the mask is a woman who's really about her business. Her debut album will be released under her own record label, a move she said allows her to own all of the rights to her music while maintaining creative control of her passion project. She's also using her platform to create a budding health and wellness community. Her brand FRSTPLACE— a series of workout programs that Woods swears by— was birthed from the idea of putting yourself first, something that admittedly took some time for her to understand. Fitness, she says, is what carries her through the days and helps with her mental health.
"It was never about physical appearance," she says. "My dad was always healthy, never sick, and then passed away really quickly from pancreatic cancer. So it was kind of a wake-up call to get it together but more importantly, it was more important because fitness became therapy for me, and doing something that helps me feel good and look good."
Along with her activewear line SECNDNTURE, Woods is hoping to help transform the bodies and minds of those who follow her. She recently created a fitness challenge awarding $1,000 to the top two transformations. "I really just did that to help motivate people to have some center and to just get up and start doing because what's deeper than health is also mental health, and when you're sitting for too long it becomes toxic."
She's making the most of her moment while simultaneously shedding the shame of her past. Just last year she was dodging headlines linking her and the Kardashians, but in the worst way. And as we watched a teary brown-eyed Woods tell the tale of her fall from grace on Red Table Talk, many of us couldn't help but to empathize with a young girl in an unfortunate situation that may not have been much different than the mistakes of our own.
The experience has led her on a journey of self-evaluation and elevation. Everything from friendships to relationships has entered an excavation period as she rids herself of what no longer serves her and makes room for something new. This includes learning to forgive and fall forward.
"It's easy to take advantage of kind people; the world can turn you cold really fast," she says. "I love that I have the ability to not hold onto things and to move forward and to always remain myself and still be able to have love for people regardless of what happened. If God forgives people who have done wrong, I don't have the energy to hold onto people who have wronged me. What I also know is that in life we have the tendency to take things very personally. And what I had to understand is that most of the time it's never about us."
"If God forgives people who have done wrong, I don't have the energy to hold onto people who have wronged me. What I also know is that in life we have the tendency to take things very personally. And what I had to understand is that most of the time it's never about us."
Loss is something that Woods is no stranger to. The loss of friends and loss of loved ones all lead to a loss of innocence that often accompanies the transition of a young girl to a grown woman. Thankfully, she has her mother to help her navigate the world of womanhood. "She always told me when I was younger, 'Don't talk bad about anyone. I don't care if you don't like them, don't talk bad about them.' She always instilled in my mind always keep your integrity and don't speak badly about people."
"If someone is doing you wrong, they're doing themselves wrong and I don't have the energy to meet you at your level," she adds. "I'm going to stay where I'm at and if in the future you want to come to where I'm at I would love to meet you there. But if not, it's all good."
I point out that her vibrations must be sending positive energy into the atmosphere. Earlier this year she posted a photo of her girl group of celebrity friends that had Black girls celebrating the magic of brown-skinned beauties in her comments. "Every girl in that group is really their own person and everyone is so beautiful and individual in their own way," she says. "We can come and have a good time and it's no pressure and no competition. It's a really sweet, positive girl group."
Though she seems to be mastering female friendships, love is still a fickle friend in Woods' world. It slips in and out of reach, often making an appearance in the form of tests. Will she choose the bad boy or herself? "I'm trying to find my Russell Wilson...but right now I've got to hang out with myself for a bit."
Life has taught her that self-love isn't just what you allow in, but also what you keep out. "I think now people have this idea of ownership when it comes to relationships and I am like we are all individuals because personally I don't want to feel like I'm being owned. I don't need you to question me so I think just having trust in your partner is a big thing, and also understanding the idea of you don't own anyone. If it's meant to be, it will be."
"I wish that I got to grow up in the era that my parents did because things were a lot more genuine," she continues. "They didn't have Instagram, there wasn't as much accessibility. If you wanted something you really had to go for it. Now everything is just oversaturated. And love, people have the idea of it messed up. But yeah...I mean," she pauses and lets out of a deep sigh. "That's all I really have to say about that."
"If someone is doing you wrong, they're doing themselves wrong and I don't have the energy to meet you at your level. I'm going to stay where I'm at and if in the future you want to come to where I'm at I would love to meet you there. But if not, it's all good."
If she does find that special one though, we won't know until she's married. She likes to keep her private life private, only giving us a glimpse into what her world appears to be. A necessary move, too, if she is to stay on top of her game as a girl boss. Without the distractions of her personal life overshadowing the progress of her professional one, we're able to witness a young woman destined for stardom.
In December of this past year, she starred in the thriller movie Sacrifice alongside Paula Patton, an experience she said allowed her to observe how to move while on set. "She made everyone feel very comfortable and very welcomed. The vibrance of her personality and who she was and how talented she is was a learning lesson for me without her having to tell me anything directly."
Woods will appear in another thriller directed by Chris Stokes in the near future, though her true aspirations lie in making it to the big screen. She admits that she hopes to one day do films like Black Panther, but in the meantime, she studies award-winning movies (she recently tuned into the Oscar-winning Korean film Parasite) while continuing to add more experience to her resume.
"Even when I started modeling when I was younger, every job is a stepping stone, every job is a learning experience whether it's big or small," she says. "I can learn from everything and sometimes I take jobs that aren't as big just to learn the art of the craft. It's about really learning and growing through every experience. Every person I work with, everything that I do is ultimately for me for growth and to learn from."
A fitness brand and apparel line, a budding television and film career, an upcoming album— is there anything that she can't conquer?
"Well, I want abs," she admits with a hearty laugh. "But that's tricky because the pantry is right here, and quarantine. But besides physical, I just really want to grow in my entrepreneurship and start more businesses and invest. I'd love to get into real estate and just...I have so many projects I'd love to do so it's really just creating a plan, thinking and prioritizing the list, and getting it done."
And we'll be here watching every moment. Not in anticipation of her downfall, but in celebration of seeing another Black girl climb from the ashes and rise to the top.
For more of Jordyn, follow her on Instagram.
Featured image via Jordyn Woods/Instagram
Kiah McBride writes technical content by day and uses storytelling to pen real and raw personal development pieces on her blog Write On Kiah. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @writeonkiah.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images