

Although I’m going to forever be the woman who thinks that ladies should never be ashamed of their age — because aging is a beautiful thing as well as a blessing — that doesn’t mean I think that we should be out here just letting ourselves go. The reality is, that we can tell the truth about our birthdays and still earn a ton of compliments about how good we look on each and every one of them when we are aware of the many ways to slow down the physical appearance of aging.
By factoring in things like eating healthy, drinking less alcohol, exercising, not using beauty products that contain harsh chemicals, and keeping stress down to a minimum, you are playing a significant role in keeping your skin (and hair) looking younger than it actually may be.
Today, to go along with those things, I’ve provided 12 other tips that can help slow down the aging process as far as how you look goes. The cool thing about all of them is they are all-natural, easy to implement, and have been proven to be effective.
1. Eat Some Broccoli and Cauliflower

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As I was doing a bit of research for this article, my 'something new' was learning thatthe Latin word cruciferae means “cross bearing;" apparently, it’s because many “mustard-related” veggies have four petals that resemble a cross (interesting). Ironically enough, if you want to keep your skin looking youthful and healthy, cruciferous vegetables can be its (pardon the pun) saving grace. Not only doveggies like broccoli, cauliflower, and arugula help to restore some of the immunity that declines as we get older, they can help tolower the risk of a breast cancer diagnosis.
Also, because they areloaded with vitamin C, the collagen that’s in that particular nutrient can help to reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles too.
2. Consume More Fatty Acids
A simple explanation of fatty acids is they’re the kind of fats that are actually good for you, especially as far as your heart is concerned.The reason why your skin and hair like them so much is because they contain properties that help to protect them both from UV damage, they can keep your skin and hair hydrated and, when it comes to your hair, specifically, fatty acids are able to help to prevent hair loss (something that can become an issue as you get older).
Another cool thing about fatty acids is they have the ability to keep the surface layers of your skin looking smooth and even. One way to get fatty acids into your system is to take an omega supplement orfish oil supplement. Another option is to consume foods that are loaded with them. Some of those includesalmon, chia seeds,pasture-raised eggs, spinach and anchovies.
3. Create an Essential Oil Blend
Any time that I’m given the opportunity to shout out some type of essential oil, you can absolutely believe that I am going to do it. Today, since the focus is slowing down the appearance of aging,I’m going to share a few that can help you out in that department. One that I like a lot is rosemary oil. To me, it provides a radiant glow without a (super) oily residue. Beyond that, it also helps to fight off the kind of free radicals that can lead to cellular damage and make your skin look older than it actually is.
Sandalwood oil is another great option; that’s because it contains properties that can help to smooth out the appearance of fine lines. Another essential oil to consider is neroli; it’s been known to help with cell renewal (so that your skin loses more dead skin cells; frankincense can do this as well). Add one or all of these to a carrier oil (to dilute the potency in them), and you’ll have a great moisturizer to put on your skin before turning in at night.
4. Bathe in Milk

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Although I can’t tell you the last time that I drank a cup of milk (I’m more of an oat milk gal, myself), if there’s one thing that I will do, with the quickness, ishop into a tub that is filled with some dairy milk in it. Why? Well, between the vitamins A and D along with the lauric acid that’s in it,milk is awesome when it comes to gently exfoliating your skin, deeply moisturizing it, and reducing skin inflammation.
In fact, if you’ve been looking for a chemical-free type of skin cleanser, some skin experts say that washing your face in milk can be just as (if not more) effective than many popular skincare products. Oh, andwhile we’re on the topic, when it comes to your hair, milk can also reduce dryness, heal dandruff, and reduce split ends. Yep, cosmetically, milk totally has your back in a myriad of different ways.
5. DIY a Blend of Shea Butter and Aloe Vera
If you’ve ever looked at (eh hem) certain other folks and wondered why some of them look twice their age, a big part of it is because, if they’ve spent years in the sun and didn’t protect their skin in the process, the UV rays have damaged it.Photoaging is one term for it and it can lead to things like wrinkles, hyperpigmentation, and a loss of skin’s elasticity. And while it is indeed true that the extra melanin in our skin helps to slow down the aging process, never fall for the okey-doke that you don’t need sunscreen as well.
That said if you’d prefer an all-natural DIY alternative, mix some shea butter and pure organic aloe vera gel together. Not only willshea butter help to protect your skin from the damage that the sun can do, but it will also moisturize it and protect it from cellular damage; plus, it’s rich in vitamins A and E. As far asaloe vera gel goes, it will deeply hydrate your skin, work to prevent sun damage from happening in the first place and, if you happen to have eczema or psoriasis, it can reduce inflammation and irritation that spending time in the sun may trigger too.
6. Drink Some Black Tea
If you’re a tea drinker, the fact thatblack tea can help you to live longer (by reducing your risk for heart disease and a stroke), is already enough of a reason to drink it on a consistent basis. However, as far as slowing down the signs of aging goes, another dope thing about black tea is it contains antioxidants that canprotect your skin from sun damage from the inside out. Plus,the polyphenols in them (which are basically organic compounds) can help to slow down the development of fine lines and wrinkles, slow down the gene that slows down the production of collagen in your system and, black tea is good at strengthening your hair over time as well.
7. Watch Those Straws
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OK, so last year, Allure published an article entitled, “Is Your Stanley Tumbler Changing Your Face?” Guess what the answer was? Basically, yes. Not if you suck on a straw every once in a while, but if you’re doing it constantly, you are very much so on your way to having more fine lines around your mouth than you probably would like. Now, is there some type of a workaround? Apparently, there aresome anti-wrinkle straws that are making their way into the marketplace space; however,being intentional about not pursing your lips together so much and also making sure that the skin around the outside of your lips is well-moisturized at all times? Those hacks also can come in pretty handy.
8. Exfoliate Your Hands and Your Neck
This point, I’ve stated before. Y’all, even before I reached the age that it personally mattered, if there was one thing that irked me to no end, it was seeing a woman whose face looked one age while her neck looked another. SMDH. Listen, it doesn’t matter how much you try, and conceal your actual years on this planet if you’re overlooking the needs of your neck and hands while doing it. Why? Well, if two things are gonna “tell on you,” they would be it. That’s why, aside from (of course) washing and moisturizing those parts of your body, it’s also important that you exfoliate them too.
When it comes to your neck,some dermatologists recommend doing the exfoliation process with a product that contains alpha-hydroxy acid. Another option is to exfoliate your neck and hands with an all-natural body scrub that’s made from fruit (some recipes arehere); ones like strawberries contain a “grit” that can help to remove dead skin while the antioxidants in them will help to give your skin a healthy glow.
9. Scrub Your Scalp
A part of the reason why I wrote the article, “10 Things Your Scalp Has BEEN Waiting For You To Do,” for the platform is because if there’s one part of our body that tends to not get the kind of pampering and care that it deserves, it’s our scalp. And,as far as TLC goes, one thing that is an absolute must is exfoliation on wash days. Not only will it help to break up dandruff flakes and get rid of dry skin that may cause itchiness and irritation, but scalp exfoliation is alsogreat for your hair overall. For one thing, it helps to remove any build-up that could be clogging your hair follicles, and it helps to reduce stress so that your hair can grow healthy and strong (which is always a plus as you get older).
10. Apply Horsetail Plant Oil
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Speaking of hair,since it’s been reported that more than half of women over 50 will experience some level of at least semi-noticeable hair thinning or hair loss,in part due to the changes that come along with perimenopause and menopause, horsetail plant oil is something else that you might want to keep in your possession.The silicon and antioxidants in the oil will help to prevent hair thinning and the phenolic compounds in it will help to keep oxidative stress and damage at bay.
11. Deep Breathe
As far as your health is concerned, you may have already heard or read somewhere that deep breathing can help to reduce stress (and sincea lot of serious health issues are directly tied to stress, that’s a good thing to keep in mind).However, did you also know that since deep breathing can make you calmer, that can ultimately help your body to produce more collagen which, in turn, can help you to look youthful? Yep, by devoting just five minutes, twice a day, to deeply inhale and exhale, you can get anxiety off your back while alsobringing more oxygen to your skin, which helps with cell renewal and rejuvenation.
12. Sleep on Your Back
And finally, how do you sleep? Is it on your stomach? On your side? Or on your back? If the answer is “C,” even if you’re just doing it for comfort’s sake, you are actually benefitting your health on a few different levels.Sleeping on your back helps you to breathe better, can help to clear up sinus, headache, neck, and back tension; and, because your face is not rubbing against your pillow and sheets all night long, it just might reduce the chances of you experiencing breakouts too. Also, as far as aging goes, since moving around on your bedding can also create friction on your skin that can ultimately result in fine lines — well, that’s just one more reason to consider sleeping on your back, at least a couple of times a week.
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See, I told you. By just making a few minor adjustments to your lifestyle (and doing them consistently), you can be well on your way to being one age and looking another. Try these and tell me it ain’t so!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Love Is The Muse: How Skylar And Temi Built A Creative Life Together
When Temitope Ibisanmi DM’d the word “muse” to Skylar Marshai, he knew he was shooting his romantic shot. He didn’t realize, however, that he was connecting with his future business and creative partner, too.
“I was the boyfriend,” Temi says. “Everybody out there knows, you’re the cameraman at that point.”
Skylar sees things differently. At the time, she was shooting content on her iPhone. Temi came into the picture with a new perspective, an understanding of tech, and, eventually, a camera. “He doesn't give himself enough credit,” Skylar says. “He wasn't just my tripod. He wasn't just standing behind the camera and going ‘click.’ He was giving advice. He was giving me insight to how I could look at things from a different perspective. And I was like, 'Oh, he’s an artist.' I think it was maybe a heartbeat of that kind of energy of like, ‘Baby, can you take this picture?’ And it turned so quickly into, we're partners. We can work together in a way where we're advancing each other's creative thinking.”
The pair often says they’re two sides of the same coin. Skylar is an Aquarius. She attended art school, paints, and loves poetry. She’s more than happy to let the couple’s management firm and agency, Kensington Grey, handle their admin work. And, she loves to sleep in. Temi, on the other hand, wakes up early. He’s a Virgo. He loves a to-do list and regularly checks in on the couple’s brand partnerships spreadsheet to make sure everything is on track.
Because his storytelling was steeped in his love of technology, he didn’t always think of himself as a creative person. “Where I [am] the dreamer who wants to pluck things out of the sky and spend all day with my head in the clouds, Temi [is] so good at grounding me and helping me figure out how to make things make sense on paper. We just work together in such a complimentary way,” Skylar says.
It’s been more than six years since Brooklyn-based couple Temi and Skylar started dating, and nearly four since they cemented their working relationship. On TikTok and Instagram, the couple’s travel, fashion, and home content regularly rack up hundreds of thousands of views. They’ve worked with brands such as Coach, Aesop, Away, and Liquid IV, bringing their vibrant perspectives to every campaign they execute. Still, nearly two years since both Temi and Skylar committed to full-time content creation and creative directing, the couple says their romantic connection remains their priority.
“We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting,” Skylar says.
Working from home can make it hard to separate work from personal life for any entrepreneur. It can be even more challenging when your business partner is also your lover. Temi and Skylar had already used couples therapy as a tool to help them effectively communicate with one another. When they ran into challenges while working together, their therapist helped them set physical boundaries to help combat the issues.
"We told each other we would much rather go back to full-time jobs and preserve our relationship than to be full-time freelancers, barely getting a night's rest [and] barely kissing each other because we're so busy shooting."
“It actually took us doing very specific physical things to create boundaries between work and play in our relationship,” Skylar says. “So, for instance, we will only have conversations about work when we're out of bed or we're at the table or in the office. Initially, when we started, we had to light a candle to say that, 'Okay, this is a space where we're connecting, we’re not talking about work.' We needed really hard boundaries at the top. And then it became a little bit more organic.”
The boundaries have been crucial to implement, especially because the couple began working together so naturally. When the pair first met, Skylar was NY-based a social strategist for BuzzFeed and was using content creation to drive business to her lingerie company. She was shooting her own content. Temi was working for Microsoft in D.C. He’d recently traded in his DJing equipment for a camera. “I've always loved taking pictures,” he says. “Even when I was a kid, my African mother would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. [during a] party, and be like, 'Come take the family picture.'”
Growing up, Temi says he watched his parents support each other and be the true definition of partners. He knew he wanted the same for his own relationship. But, the couple also wanted to make sure they were being financially responsible. The pair didn’t quit their traditional jobs until they’d saved up two years' worth of their cost of living. And, Temi received his Master of Business Administration from New York University with the knowledge that it could either help him advance in his corporate career or be applicable to his business with Skylar.
Today, they say their working relationship is more of a “quiet dance.” They still implement some of the boundaries they learned in therapy, but they also lean into their natural strengths and deep love for one another. When we speak, Temi has planned a date for the couple to see Princess Mononoke in 4K IMAX and added it to their Notion so they can factor it into their busy schedules. “I fully plan to date for the rest of my life,” he says.
Skylar says the couple doesn’t just wait for date nights to check in with one another, though. This often happens in the mornings, after Temi has made her peppermint tea and poured himself a cup of coffee. When they ask each other how they slept, she says, it’s not just a “nicety.” It’s a genuine question meant to foster connection.
“A lot of it happens during the day in the midst of work. We'll stop and we'll hug. Or we’ll slow dance in the kitchen,” she says. “Sometimes it's hard to set a whole date night when you have 7,000 things going on. So, we must grasp these moments and check in when we can. And I think it's become so organic to us that I actually didn't even realize how often we do it. But all day long, we're like, 'Are you good? I felt like your energy shifted,' because we're best friends, we just know. We just feel it happen.”
What’s better than being in love? Building wealth while doing it. Watch Making Cents here for real stories of couples who make money moves together.
Featured image by Cj Hart @hartbreak
We All Mess Up Sometimes. But Can You Trust A Friend's Apology?
Although what I mostly deal with when it comes to the clients that I have is romantic relationships, there are definitely times when other topics come up. For instance, recently, someone was talking to me about some drama that they were going through with a friend of theirs. Emotionally, they felt like they were in a bit of a bind because while, on one hand, they had been friends with this individual for over 15 years at this point, on the other, there were certain things that they had done, more than once, that were starting to take its toll.
When I asked my client if they had clearly articulated their feelings, concerns, and boundaries to that individual, they admitted that they hadn’t.
From their perspective, their friend should simply know what they should and shouldn’t do. Yeah, one day, I’m going to write an article about how a lot of relationships could be spared so much drama if we all stopped automatically expecting others to think, act, and even love like we do. Anyway, my client did pause for a moment; then she shared that there was one thing, in particular, that she had told her friend that she didn’t appreciate and her friend just kept on doing it — so much to the point where it was starting to feel not only intentional but disrespectful too. In response to that, here’s how the rest of the dialogue between us went down:
Me: “Did she apologize?”
Her: “I mean, after I about lost it and told her that I was sick of her sh-t, she did. I don’t know if I can trust it, though.”
Me: “Has the action happened again since?”
Her: “The last time was only a few weeks ago. It’s too soon to tell. I know I’m starting to put distance between us, though. I’m not sure if I want to be friends with her anymore at this point.”
*le sigh* What to do, what to freakin’ do, when you’ve got a friend in your life who does something that bothers, offends, hurts, or harms you (because those are all different things, y’all), they apologize and you’re not exactly sure what to do with their apology. That is something that I’m pretty sure that all of us have gone through, probably more than once. If you definitely have, and there have been times when it’s left you feeling stumped, let’s unpack it all a bit — just so you’ll know how to move, with complete peace of mind, for the sake of your friendship and, most importantly, your peace of mind.
People with Regrets Apologize (and Every Self-Aware Human Should Have Regrets)
Sometime last year, I was talking to a friend of mine about his spouse. As he was raving about all of the things that he adores about her, something that he said caused my eyes to get semi-big: “I mean, she doesn’t believe in apologizing which can get on my nerves but that’s about it.” Whew, chile. Also, another article for another time: It’s very hard for a marriage to function, in a healthy way, if both people aren’t willing to apologize and forgive because there are going to be countless times when doing one or the other is going to be extremely necessary. Why?
Because we all make mistakes and sometimes poor decisions (and no, those two things aren’t the same either) must be corrected with an apology. Not only that but we all also experience times when someone needs to apologize to us and, because of the first thing that I said, we should forgive them and LET. IT. GO.
Yeah, those “I don’t apologize” people? Talk about folks who I don’t trust because that typically either means that they have way too much pride going on or they suck and taking personal accountability for their actions — and neither of those things makes it easy when it comes to trying to have a solid relationship with someone else. Honestly, the only kind of folks who “cause me to pause” more are the ones who claim that they don’t have any regrets in life. Truly…what in the world are you talking about?
If you’ve been rocking with me on this platform for a while now, you already know that I totally and completely loathe the saying, “I don’t regret anything” (check out “Why Regret Might Not Always Be A Bad Thing”). SMDH. Some statements, I just think that they have been popular for so long that people repeat them without really thinking about what they actually mean.
When it comes to regret, if you look up its definition, you should see the word “remorse” somewhere in there and remorse means “deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction” — and if you NEVER feel this way, that low-key sounds like either you think that you never do anything wrong (which is a completely delusional mindset) or you don’t care to “right your wrongs” whenever you do them (which makes you a pretty unsafe individual to be around).
And why am I laying down all of this foundation? Because, before getting into how to discern someone’s apology, it’s important to first surround yourself with individuals who even get that they should apologize from time to time in the first place — not because you think so but because they think so. I’m telling you, it can spare you a ton of time and potential heartbreak to follow this tip.
I say that because I ended a relationship about six years ago, mostly because the person reached out to me to help them out with something, and when I wrote out a full email about something they did that was highly offensive and would result in my not obliging them — not only did they not apologize, they didn’t even acknowledge what I said. What kind of makes it “comically worse” (utter audacity-wise) is the few times that I’ve seen them since, they’ve acted like nothing even happened. Then I had to think back to other times when I’ve brought hurt feelings or offenses to their attention and how they would deflect, play the victim, or change the subject (bookmark that).
Hmph. We talk about narcissism a lot both on and offline — uh-huh, be careful about those narcissistic friends out here. They always want to be the center of attention. They constantly put their own needs first. They have a hard time forgiving and yet think that you should dismiss whatever they do that’s wrong (or damaging). I could go on and on about those jokers. For now, I’ll just bring this point to a close by saying that if you want to trust someone’s apology, you need to trust that they care enough to apologize in the first place. And lawd, won’t that preach?
Next point.
Karma Is Attached to Apologies
One day, I’m also going to write an article about how much forgiveness tends to be weaponized — and how absolutely insane that is. Meaning, so many people think that they deserve an apology for all of the things that they do while others don’t — and that’s not really how forgiveness works. If you’re looking at it from a Scriptural standpoint, the Good Book tells us that if you want to be right with God, you’ve got to forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Science says that if you want to be healthy, it’s wise to forgive as well. Adding to both of these things, since karma (which is basically just reaping what you sow) doesn’t discriminate, if you want to be forgiven in the future, you should forgive others in the present.
And that’s what I mean when I say that karma is attached to apologies. When it comes to some completely bold and If-I-were-a-different-type-of-person-things-would’ve-gone-very-differently things that have happened to me throughout the years — what has kept things peaceful and put me on a faster track to healing is choosing to forgive others; especially when they make a point to apologize (check out “How I Learned To Forgive People In My Life Who Weren't Sorry”).
Honestly, a part of the reason why I can do closure so well is because I can accept an apology. What I mean by that is I think a lot of times, we stay in “hamster wheel relationships” (same problems, no new solutions) or we’re so super devastated (because we’re not just sad, we also beat ourselves up with guilt and yes, regret) if something should happen to someone who we used to be in relationship with and it’s partly because we don’t accept apologies.
Me? I never want to be so high and mighty in my mindset that I think I can gamble my relationship with God or my health simply because I want someone to think that what they do and ask forgiveness doesn’t deserve mercy while I’m somewhere thinking that I should be pardoned for all of my mess. I don’t know about y’all but I need God’s forgiveness, plus, it feels good — cleansing even — whenever people who I’ve hurt or harmed have forgiven me and so I give forgiveness in order to receive it — because every single human needs to receive it.
Next point.
A Sincere Apology Doesn't Deflect, Justify or Play the Victim. It Takes Full Ownership.
Now that we’ve talked about why you should only befriend people who forgive and apologize and how you shouldn’t be in relationships if you don’t know how to forgive (and apologize) — let’s talk about what a sincere apology should even look like.
Years ago, I had a friend who violated a very clear boundary of mine. She kept trying to push something on me that I didn’t want to do until one day, she did it anyway. And boy, was I pissed. When she saw how angry I was, she called me crying and, although she did say that she was sorry, she also went into all kinds of reasons why she thought that she was the bigger victim. The more that I listened, it was like she wanted me to apologize to her for violating me (whew, chile). Yeah, don’t trust those kinds of apologies because they are chocked full of manipulation.
And this is where we start to tiptoe into the difference between accepting an apology and trusting one.
Since she literally said, “I’m so sorry,” I accepted her apology because, although I think that my discernment is pretty keen and she was trying to manipulate matters, at the end of the day, who am I to brush off her efforts to acknowledge what she did? Did I trust her apology, though? Absolutely not because to trust something, you’ve gotta be confident in it, and anyone who decides to make what they did to you totally about them? They don’t really get what an apology is all about.
Hmph. I grew up with people who would apologize and also deflect (shift blame, gaslight, go into semi-denial mode), justify poor behavior (make excuses, follow their apology with some long ass story) and/or play the victim (act like they are more hurt than you are) in the midst of their apologies and those types of individuals typically only apologize in order to “move on” from what they’ve done — not to really make sure that you are okay about what had transpired.
And those people? Whether they are too selfish, not self-aware enough or they’re simply ignorant about what a sincere apology looks like, if those three factors come into play, their apology can be accepted yet not really trusted in the sense of you believing that they will do their best to not repeat the action again. How could you TRUST it if they don’t fully OWN it? Make sense?
Next point.
Accepting Apologies and Actually Trusting Them Are Quite Different
If you know that someday, you will need to apologize to someone, you will get again why I say that none of us should really refuse someone else’s apology. Another way of looking at this is if someone apologizes and you don’t accept it, it’s basically saying, “I don’t acknowledge that you acknowledge what you did that you are trying to take responsibility for” — and honestly, what kind of sense does that make?
Because while you are thinking that not accepting their apology is harming them, it’s really only hurting you because you are choosing to hold onto what their apology has actually released them from. Plus, y’all know that I am pretty word-literal and, at the end of the day, accepting an apology simply means that 1) you are responding to what they are saying and 2) you are receiving the effort. Over and out.
Now TRUSTING an apology? Again, that is something entirely different. I’ll give you another example. Everyone who knows me (check out “5 Signs You Really Know A Person”) knows that if I come out to a big function, that’s love — DEEP LOVE. Back when I was an entertainment journalist, I had my fill of stuff like that; these days, low-key is how I get down. Anyway, one time, a friend invited me out to a crowded and pretty important function. After a bit of convincing, I made the personal request of not wanting to go along with someone else in their world who I am not fond of (who they are now not even friends with because they discovered on their own just how shady the person can be).
My friend assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue — only for me to get to the place where we were meeting up and my friend then telling me on the way to the venue that the person would be joining us. When I tell you that we literally had the conversation about that not happening just a few hours before? Chile. My response? I left before we headed there and went back home. I am BIG on my boundaries being respected and I’m not going to be set up to be put in a position to somehow be the bad guy if I’m not kee-keeing with someone who I didn’t want to be around, intimately, in the first place. Plus, my friend needed to fully enjoy her night without worrying about what the energy was going to be like.
My friend owned that it was “bad business” to even move like that — that it was thoughtless and a bit manipulative on her part because a part of her thought that if I was pushed to the wall on the matter, I would just get over it. She apologized. I accepted it. However, I didn’t just accept it, I trusted it because, a few weeks later, she invited me to another event, out of state, all expenses paid.
Listen, if you know me, you know that it wasn’t the free trip that “moved me” because my favorite place is always gonna be at home. LOL. It’s that my friend didn’t just acknowledge what she did, she also took it upon herself to make amends — and that’s what a real apology should always include.
And what is amends? It’s “reparation or compensation for a loss, damage, or injury of any kind; recompense.” That said, when we really get the weight and magnitude of something that we’ve done to another person, it’s never enough to just toss a flippant “My bad” in their direction — it’s important to put forth the effort to set things right.
I got that my friend understood how much effort it took for me to do the initial outing with her in the first place because she took a few steps up from that and turned another event into a girls' trip — just us. That was a couple of years ago now. We’ve not had an issue in that lane since.
Your friend who hurt you and apologized? One way to know if you can trust the apology to the point where you know that it’s okay to move on fully from the matter is if they are willing, on their own, to make amends. If, in their own way, they ask you, “How can I make this right?” If you get that from them, I really recommend that you give them a chance because not only does it seem like their apology is heartfelt, but they also want to help you to heal from what they did — and at the end of the day, because none of us can change the past, just “own” our part in it, there’s not much more that a human can do.
Plus, people who go so far as to make amends, they typically also put forth the effort to try and change their behavior (or not repeat the action). And again, what more can you really ask for from any fallible individual (and we are all that)…right?
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No one is perfect. We’re all going to mess up. If you really get that, when a friend apologizes to you, let both of yourselves off of the hook and accept it. And during the apology, if they take full ownership which includes making amends, trust your friend enough to have faith that they will try to not hurt you, in that way, again.
Accept is about recognizing.
Trusting is about putting your confidence in something.
When it comes to apologies, specifically, I hope it’s easier to now know the difference.
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