The Power Of Heartbreak
Women are known for being on both ends of the sensitivity spectrum.
We are admired for strength but assumed to be weak. We are expected to hold weight upon our shoulders, but can’t complain about the heaviness. If you take a good look at the baggage piled on our bodies, besides life and work, men play an active role. This is not a story of men-shaming, but a story of how a woman’s heart is placed in the wrong hands, and still we are strong.
[Tweet "As women, we are admired for strength but assumed to be weak."]
I stepped in and out of a revolving door you call a relationship. I thought, three’s a charm, and carried a load of optimism with this third chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, everyone changes for the better, are things I retorted to my mind each time he asked to take me to dinner, every time he pulled up to my house in his seemingly-fancy car. Whenever I looked at his beard or heard his hearty laugh, I assumed he changed into a better person.
Random phone calls throughout the day randomly suggested different experiences to do together. Each discussion took away pieces of bricks from my wall to reveal my hidden self. He gave patience and waited for me to warm up to him and accept him back into my life. Picnics, wine dates, and walks through parks to see the sunset turn into blues and oranges, holding hands and kissing in the street; it was your typical romance movie.
I gave my trust to him, and I put my anxiety in his hands. This anxiety was left over from the previous two chances. Left over from disappearing acts, and not speaking to me. Anxiety I thought dissipated and rid itself of my body. But it crept back in like a disease. One of those diseases that do not show symptoms, but the episodes were horrendous.
I never suffered from anxiety besides when he strolled in and out my life.
No need for a full-hour conversation, but no type of check-in occurred. This cooked up the anxiety. I would get antsy and assume I was being left. From then, I would begin to calculate what I could have possibly done to be ignored or forgotten; almost in the sense of being abandoned. You don’t expect someone you care about deeply to desert you. Actually, you don’t expect someone who shows they care about you to desert you. The feeling drives deep to the bone, through the soul, and eats away. Another disease in which has no medication.
The only way to get rid of the feeling is for this person to come back. So, he would come back, but empty-handed.
No apology.
No explanation.
He just went about things as they were.
After the anxiety cooked up, simmered and boiled, my anger is ready for serving. He never ate my anger, however. He never tried to taste it or savor it to understand and appreciate where it came from or figure out its ingredients. He simply overlooked it and kept moving. The plate would go cold and stale, and I had no choice but to throw it away.
I did not realize throwing away my anger enabled his behavior. Sure, I nagged and commented on his ways, and I would get the same sob story of an apology. My eyes are rolling from east to west just thinking about them. But I kept pushing through and waiting on better days, which eventually came. But then the better days became fewer and fewer apart and his attention was harder to capture. Losing his job, getting his car broken into, and being low on cash, were bad things I assumed were tests to prove my loyalty. Despite buying little things here and there, offering positive thoughts and getaways, it boiled down to nothing.
All the nice gestures from my golden soul proved to be worth nothing. His kitchen, another version of Hell’s Kitchen, was filled with burning fire and sticky sweat. Tears shed from trying to spruce up the best meal. While my back was turned gazing at this stove of hope and desire, he walked down the opposite path toward someone else. What ignites the fire is not that she came along, but how he handled her entrance. He became distant with me, who has been standing here all along. My phone barely rang or blinked with a text. His consideration for my time weaned, and I caught myself wasting more and more.
Then he gently placed my anxiety into the oven and let it broil. He disappeared for a few days. When he decided to come back, the pet names were no more and he proceeded to blame his problems as a reason he could not continue forward with me. I reluctantly accepted his way, because, at this point, his attention was not on me anymore.
When things go wrong, you reason with your inner voice and assume your own verdict. You think of possibilities of what could, should, or would have happened. Then God serves you a big bowl of reality and shakes you out of this empty fantasy. All five stages of grief hit me within one day, sometimes even one hour. When I finally came to terms with my new status, a picture came out of nowhere and changed absolutely everything. Social media is the bearer of bad news.
He posted a picture of his presence with another woman.
When he did that, he had forgotten to take my anxiety out the oven, and let it cool. Instead, it was burning, crisping, and blackening into nothingness. That hurt was a strange type of pain; a pain that could have been prevented. One of those pains you watch unfold, but you continue to let the hurt happen because you know or think it will stop on its own.
I felt as though my heart ran out of options.
Having someone take the rug from underneath you is traumatizing. Breaking up is hard, moving on and letting go is even harder. When our heart is smeared between the fingers of someone we love, we see ourselves die a little. Being at my lowest only gave me time and strength to evolve into an enhanced me. I took time to understand how I love, and appreciate my efforts, not as a defeat, but as a success because I know I’m not a walking robot and I know I will not waste away with the same undeserving person. It’s not easy to know your heart is big and open only to receive crumbs.
The best thing is never letting these upsets ruin you.
It’s only moving you closer to someone who deserves you.
We weave in and out of relationships, lusting and hoping for the admirable love you see posted all over social media. Though this is an absolute desire, always remember your time is precious. It’s natural to give a loved one chances because we care, we see their potential to be great, but we have to take back our control by putting a halt to a diabolic cycle. This type of relationship showed me there are too many men out there willing to treat me three times better with just one chance.
[Tweet "There are too many men willing to treat me 3x's better with 1 chance."]
The power of heartaches builds up as the number of second chances increases. Third time is a charm, but the fourth and eighth is not going to make you feel better in the long run. I eventually learned from heartbreak that it is okay to walk away from an unhappy situation because my sanity and love are worth so much more. We all go through relationship struggles, but you learn over time that you have to fix the struggle within you first to attract the love you ultimately deserve.
The key is time: allow yourself to feel, to accept, and to heal.
As the hate melts away, you begin to appreciate the new person unraveling. Like a butterfly, shedding its cocoon, you emerge better than you were before, and you are able to navigate the next relationship with more clarity and discernment.
Whiskey in a teacup, Nesstalgicc is a Brooklynite who enjoys all things organic, social, and soothing. An avid reader and writer with a knack for being outspoken and straightforward.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by CoffeeAndMilk/Getty Images