Ah, the Sunday Scaries. It seems a catchy title or cliche name has been given to almost all common age-old experiences, especially with the power and reach of social media. But real talk, the anxiety that hits many of us when we think about facing yet another Monday, is horrifyingly annoying, especially since a lot of times it’s tied to financial and family obligations that we can’t ignore.
For me, I’ve made friends with the Sunday Scaries at various times in my career journey. In the early years, they were prompted by the eagerness to please and move up the ladder at my first few dream jobs in publishing. In later years, as I set out for full-time self-employment, the Sunday Scaries showed their face again, this time due to the utter trepidation that comes with not only attracting and keeping clients and getting steady work but the process of juggling multiple deliverables for those clients.
So, how did I ultimately conquer the Sunday Scaries for good? Here are a few helpful steps I took:
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1. I got honest with myself about what was truly triggering the Sunday Scaries in the first place.
I began to write and noticed that there were various things that contributed to the nagging feeling on Sundays, which is how I was able to acknowledge that those feelings don’t necessarily mean I need to up and quit a job or give life to falsehoods like, ‘I just hate my life.’ For me, fear and insecurity were at the core of welcoming the Sunday Scaries into my weekly routine.
2. Based on those triggers, I wrote down solutions.
Sometimes, it was simply a lack of time management, a fear of failure, or over-commitment to work that I wasn’t really passionate about doing. I found I could implement solutions like:
- Shifting how I spend my Fridays so I’d have more time to spend strictly on self-love, pleasure, and fun.
- Talking with my clients or managers to find out if I could shift away from doing certain tasks and focus more on the work I loved and was great at doing.
- Letting go of projects, jobs, or clients that just didn’t serve my end goal or feed my creative advancement. (In one very unusual experience, I actually did quit after two weeks, and it was the best decision I could’ve made at the time.)
- Taking on weekend chores I really don’t like doing (like laundry, meal prepping, working out, or shopping) during the week.
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- Constantly exploring new job and career opportunities and fun ways to feed my urge to live freely, explore other aspects of life, and avoid feelings of being caged in by routine or monotony. (I grew up in a strict Christian household, so, as an adult, I really don’t like anything that sparks feelings of extreme restriction or lack of control. I found that sometimes the Sunday Scaries were nothing but rebellion clothed in fear, so to balance that, I often explore all my options and create multiple plans of action for things I want to do in life.)
- Going to therapy to talk more about processing through triggers and healthy ways to combat or eliminate them. (I’m still a Christian and enjoy the good things about my upbringing, but there were a few toxic and traumatic routines and memories that really were at the core of why I’d get the Sunday Scaries.)
3. I weighed the return on investment for the essential but not-so-sexy tasks of my job or career.
As much as this is said and written a lot, you’re not going to like every single thing about your job, and the journey is not always consistently blissful. Sometimes certain parts of work cultures, project management processes, or whatever it takes to be a success at work can be downright annoying, nerve-wracking, challenging, and tedious.
As long as I enjoy more things about work than I hate—and the not-so-appetizing but necessary tasks serve a bigger picture of purpose in my career journey—I can realistically say to hell with the Sunday Scaries and take on all that my job entails with humility, confidence, and conviction.
4. I began waking up earlier and scheduling at least 30 minutes on Monday mornings just for my self-care.
No checking emails. No taking care of others. No prepping anything. No scrolling anything. I’d sit in silence, re-watch an episode of one of my favorite Netflix shows, read a book, pray, or make myself a great breakfast to my favorite morning playlist on Spotify or YouTube.
I’d also put my phone in a cabinet or drawer during my me-time, as it often tempts me to check an email or get too immersed in watching hundreds of Reels.
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5. I found something focused on wonder and play to do every Monday (or every other) so that I could look forward to it the night before.
For me, it’s planning a trip or doing something that takes me into another cultural experience as if I’m traveling, like visiting an authentic Greek or Mexican restaurant.
It also could be taking a new dance class, going for a walk in a new location I hadn’t explored, or hanging out with family. And I literally schedule this time on Mondays, like an appointment or meeting—on my calendar—where I am, for the most part, unavailable for anything else during that hour or so that I’ve given myself.
Bonus: I got radical and cleared out my calendar on Mondays.
I once worked with an executive who’d block out a certain day of the week just to go golfing. If you’re self-employed, a freelancer, or you have seniority in your department or company, clear out your Mondays on your calendar, sis. Be deliberate about eliminating the problem altogether. Set boundaries with your clients, teams, or others so that they know you’re simply unavailable and will not be working. Even if you’re not the boss, you can ask for that day off or shift your work week to Tuesday-Saturday. Another compromise: Work remotely on Mondays.
Get honest with yourself about why those Sunday Scaries keep disrupting your peace, and begin to advocate for yourself. Find out where there might be some ways for you to get the mental break you need on Mondays so that they’re not getting the best of you. Tap into your support system, and get rid of routines, so-called norms, and influences that do not serve your end goals or quality of life.
As ambitious, capable, and beautiful Black queens, we must own our time and honor the gift that God has given us—empowered and fearless.
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One more thing? You’ve got to accept the fact that, just because they chose you and love you, that doesn’t mean that they should be expected to always agree with you or even not challenge you — and because that is the case, sometimes some communication issues are going to arise, whether it’s in the form of an argument or…something a bit less stressful.
And since that is indeed the case, it’s important to know what you can (and possibly should) do when those moments arise — for the sake of you and your partner’s sanity and your relationship’s overall health and well-being. So, are you ready to get a few tips on how to communicate more peacefully and effectively with your partner?
Read on.
Argument, Debate, or Discussion? Learn the Difference
Is It an Argument, a Debate or a Discussion?
GiphyOkay, so let me start off this article by saying that if you are a parent of young children, one of the best things that you can do for them is put an emotional chart up in their rooms (like this one here). The reason why I say that is because I work with a lot of adults who really struggle with communicating with their partner and, the surprising reason why is because, they don’t know how to properly and/or thoroughly express their feelings — and it’s because they don’t know which words to use.
I’m not kidding either. Sometimes, you’re not mad at your partner; you’re confused by their actions. Sometimes, you’re not tired of the relationship; you’re bored. Sometimes, you’re not worried; you’re nervous — and because these different words weren’t expressed and emphasized enough, while you were growing up, you don’t use them as much (or as well) as you probably should now. And that causes you to misuse words as well as put the wrong amount of energy into them — when they aren’t really the ones that you were actually trying to convey to begin with.
And along these lines, the same thing goes for an argument vs. a debate vs. a discussion. When you are exchanging the type of dialogue with your partner that might not be as pleasant as you would like, before automatically saying that the two of you are “arguing with each other” — is that actually the case?
Argument: an oral disagreement; verbal opposition; contention; altercation
Debate: a discussion, as of a public question in an assembly, involving opposing viewpoints; to deliberate; consider
Discussion: an act or instance of discussing; consideration or examination by argument, comment, etc., especially to explore solutions; informal debate
Ah…do you already see where this is headed? If every time that you and your partner don’t see eye to eye on something, you automatically call it an “argument,” by definition of that word, you are bringing contention into the space…when it may not be an argument at all.
So yeah, when it comes to learning how to get through certain conversations with your partner, first ask yourself if the two of you are verbally sparring (an argument), if the two if you as simply sharing opposing viewpoints (a debate) or if the two of you are actually having a discussion where you are exploring solutions to a problem (a discussion) — and you simply haven’t come to a common ground on what the solution should be…yet?
Next point.
Before You React, Ask Yourself This One Question:
What Exactly Are You Trying to Accomplish?
GiphyI recently watched an Instagram post which basically said that once you reach the age of 45, you will find yourself saying, “Okay” to just about anything and everything. She wasn’t saying it from the angle of being a doormat — she was saying that you start to value your time and energy too much to go back and forth with folks.
Although I get her overall point, “Okay-ing” ish is pretty passive aggressive, so if you’re one of those people, I recommend that you try and find another approach. However, what I will say is a good takeaway from what she was sharing is, when you are disagreeing with someone, before getting too mentally and emotionally invested in the disagreement itself, ask yourself what you ultimately want to accomplish first.
Hmph. This makes me think of one of my former boyfriend’s family. Boy, talk about a group of know-it-alls. It was wild how they seemed to think that they had the solutions for everything and everybody when so much of their lives were pure chaos — and while I used to get sucked in by trying to prove that they weren’t the only people with an I.Q. in the triple digits, after a while, I got to the point of “What’s the point?” I’m not going to win prize money if I out-debate them and besides, they were so arrogantly addicted to being right that they would consistently “move the bar,” just so they wouldn’t have to admit when they were wrong.
And so, since their goal wasn’t to learn and evolve but to merely teach and patronize (more “B” than “A”), I finally came to the conclusion that it was best for my sanity and well-being to simply tap out. Let them go back and forth, for hours on end, with each other…for nothing…if they wanted to.
And yes, that is the next thing that you have to ask yourself when it comes to the argument or debate or discussion that you are having with your partner: what are you ultimately wanting to accomplish? Is it clarity? Is it a resolve? Is it harmony? Or are you like that family I just mentioned and you simply want to be right…even if none of those other things come as a result of doing so?
Peep the title of this piece again. You know, some people can’t let stuff go between them and other individuals because their ego won’t let them. When it comes to the topic for today, that is certainly worth pondering. Long and hard.
Ask More Questions, Make Fewer Accusations
Did You Ask More Questions or Make More Statements?
GiphyWhen it comes to effectively communicating with your partner, I will forever die on the hill that you are going to get way more accomplished if you ask questions more than you make statements. For one thing, questions give them the impression that you want to learn more in order to cultivate peace and understanding while making statements can oftentimes come off as being accusatory, as if you have all of the answers and/or like you are the only one who has needs, feelings and even facts when it comes to whatever you and your partner are talking about.
Not only that but questions tend to disarm people from going on the defensive. Just think about it: Do you think that you are going to get more from your partner if you say, “You are always trying to get the last word!” or if you ask, “Why does it seem like your walls go up when we have these types of conversations? What are you needing in this moment?”
It’s a man by the name of James Stephens who once said, “We get wise by asking questions.” Wise people self-regulate. Wise people empathize. Wise people always want to learn more. Wise people are self-aware and can self-reflect. Wise people know how to listen. If you want to walk away from the conversation being all the wiser, resolve to not have all of the answers. Ask some questions along the way.
Listening Is a Love Language Too
Did You Actually LISTEN?
GiphyWise people listen — and y’all, listening is something that really is on the endangered species list. SMDH. How do you know if you are a good listener? Well, you can start by asking your partner to hear their thoughts on the matter (straight up).
Beyond that, though — good listeners don’t cut people off while they are speaking; good listeners are aware of their body language while interacting with others (check out “15 Relational Body Language Cues You Definitely Shouldn't Ignore”); good listeners listen to comprehend not to immediately respond; good listeners respect that everyone is not like them (nor are they supposed to be) and so they get that they may be hearing totally different opinions and perspectives; good listeners are humble.
Good listeners are open-minded; good listeners respect who they are engaging with enough to not let other things distract them in the process; good listeners respond more than they react; good listeners are perfectly fine not getting the last word (because when you know the value of your words, you don’t need to get the last one), and good listeners want to take something beneficial away from the conversation once it is actually over.
Argument, debate or discussion — imagine how much smoother things would go if both people said, “Wait — before this goes any further, can we simply agree to listen to each other?” and then actually do it? I’d probably lose a third of my clients on this alone, chile. Straight up.
Empathy Is the Shortcut to Resolution
Have You Put Yourself in Their Shoes?
GiphyEven though I know the data, sometimes it’s hard for even me to believe that only 10-15 percent of marriages are sexless (which constitutes to having sex no more than 10-15 times a year). I say that because, easily, 60 percent of my clients have sex-related issues within their relationship.
Currently, I’m dealing with a couple who is working through infidelity. The husband cheated after not having sex with his wife for 13 months because — and these are her words — she wasn’t in the mood. No health issues. No serious marital woes. Sex simply wasn’t a priority to her. Hmph. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times that even Scripture backs that sex is a responsibility in marriage not just something to do (check I Corinthians 7:5) — and so, what I’ve been trying to get her to see is while she didn’t deserve to be cheated on (of course not), he didn’t deserve to be in a marriage where there was no intimacy either. Every action — or non-action — has a reaction. We learned that in what — middle school?
When the issue was initially brought to me, all she could think about was her feelings. As we’ve been working on the concept of empathy, though, some accountability and healing have been taking place. Because for all of you who just read what I said and only thought about what he did — how would YOU feel if your spouse turned you down for over a year straight? Yeah…exactly.
Unless you’re in an abusive situation (which would require a different article entirely), pretty much anything that you and your partner are going through can be de-escalated if you both put forth the concerted effort and energy to simply EMPATHIZE with one another. With that in mind, please stop trying to only get them to see things your way; be open to looking at things from how they see matters as well.
Even if it doesn’t cause you to come to a full agreement, it will still help you to better understand where they are coming from. That way, if the two of you are committed to finding some sort of resolve, you can do it from a place of identifying matters from both perspectives while gaining clear insight from one another too.
Do You Want to Be Right or in a Healthy Relationship?
Know That a Resolution and a Win Are Not Exactly or Automatically the Same Thing
GiphyI went to a private high school that didn’t have a forensics team. Boy, if they did, I sho ‘nuf would’ve been on it, though because Shellie likes to debate (although the older I get, the less I do it). I did have friends who were on teams at their school, though and you can tell because, to this day, they still want to talk to win. LOL. I mean, for the most part, no harm, no foul.
However, when you’re in a relationship, if all you want to do is “win the conversation,” that’s probably not going to be holistically beneficial in the long run. This actually takes me back to something that Dr. Phil used to ask his guests back when his show first aired: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” — and because I personally think that it’s kind of immature to expect to be happy all of the time (does working out always make you happy? You still need to do it, right?), the word I would use in its place is HEALTHY: when it comes to the argument, debate or discussion that you’re having with your partner, do you ultimately want to be right or do you want the relationship to be healthy?
If the answer is “B,” this means that the goal needs to be that the two of you find a resolution over one of you merely winning — and a great definition for resolution is “a solution, accommodation, or settling of a problem, controversy, etc.” A resolution is a solution andsolutions-oriented people? They are patient. They are creative. They are positive thinkers. They don’t choose to deflect, avoid accountability or make excuses or justifications.They are are flexible and adaptable too.
Because whether the conversation is about finances, household responsibilities or intimacy issues — at the end of the day, a solutions-oriented person doesn’t want to “win the conversation;” what they want, more than anything, is holistic and mutual peace…as soon as humanly possible too.
Don’t Say You’re Letting Go If You’re Not
If You Say You’re Going to Let It Go and Don’t…You Lied
GiphyListen, only a completely delusional individual thinks that relationships should never have conflict; of course, they will because we’re not toy soldiers, we are individuals. At the same time, they don’t have to be traumatic whenever they do go down.
Respect each other’s individuality. Be mutually committed to finding a resolve. Always prioritize peace above just about everything else — and you will be able to “relax, relate and release” in your home.
Yes, even after an argument, debate or discussion has transpired (and not five days later either…but we’ll deal with how to release a grudge at another time). Selah and amen.
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