A Brief History Of The Power Of Black Love & Marriage In America
When we think about Black history, we often see images of major moments in time, like marches, revolutions, political triumphs, innovations, or sports highlights, but how would any of these things come to be without Black love?
Black love, Black marriage and Black history existed long before white Europeans kidnapped and enslaved our ancestors and brought them from Africa to this land. Our very existence today is evidence of our ancestors' strong Black love for us, and hope for a better future. So, in this vein, let’s take a look at a snapshot of the history of Black love and marriage in America, through the ages:
1800s: Black Marriage Through Challenge
While slavery in America stripped many of our ancestors of their rights, including the right to marry who we choose, Black couples still held wedding ceremonies signified by a practice called “jumping the broom.” According to scholar Alan Dundes, this was common during antebellum times and continues in many Black marriage ceremonies today, in honor of our enslaved ancestors.
Post Civil War and emancipation, many heterosexual Black couples’ marriages were made legal, however, in the former Confederate states, “some whites did not want the law to legitimate,” Black marriage, historian Tera Hunter writes in her book, Bound in Wedlock: Slave and Free Black Marriage in the Nineteenth Century. She adds that white supremacists opposed to Black rights saw Black marriages “as a challenge to social order and racial hierarchy.” In America, Black marriage has always been a revolutionary act.
Late 1800s-1940s: Bonds Run Deeper
By the late 1800s, Black Americans married at higher rates than their white counterparts, and from 1890 up until 1940, Black women married earlier than white women. In fact, according to the U.S. Census, the percentage of Black men 35 and older who never married was lower (at about 8%) between 1890 and 1930, than for their white peers. For Black women, the rate teetered at around 7% and steadied at 10% until 1950.
Famous couples of the era include iconic composer Samuel Coleridge-Taylor and Jessie Walmisley (who wed in 1899); champion boxer Jack Johnson and Etta Terry Duryea (who wed in 1911); and entertainer Josephine Baker and Jean Lion (wed in 1937) who also had many relationships with women, possibly including the legendary artist Frida Khalo.
Famous singers Bessie Smith and Ma Rainey were also bold queer women who pushed boundaries during the time. While Smith was married to Jack Gee in 1923, she reportedly had relationships with women, and so did her mentor Rainey. Rainey even alluded to lesbian affairs in her music, and reportedly had girlfriends while married to her husband Will Rainey.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and wife Coretta Scott King
Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images
1950s-Early 1970s: Fighting For Rights… Including For Who We Love
Many revolutionary movements have historically been held up by power couples. Even as patriarchy relinquished women and queer people to behind-the-scenes roles in the civil rights movements, the wives of the appointed movement leaders were powerhouses in their own right. From Coretta Scott King to Betty Shabazz, to Myrlie Evers-Williams, to Kathleen Cleaver, to Miriam Makeba, and beyond, these women organized the movement and supported, assisted, and led in building and continuing the legacies of activists Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Medgar Evers and Stokely Carmicheal.
All of these leaders fought for legislation and initiatives to change laws and lives during this period, leading to educational, political, and social freedoms that had not been seen before this time. A key change in legislation related to marriage during this time was the legality of interracial marriage, which came in 1967 when Richard and Mildred Loving won their case in the Supreme Court.
Activists were also fighting for LGBTQ protections and rights, including legal marriage. The first LGBTQ+ Pride was held in 1970, commemorating the one-year anniversary of the Stonewall riots, an event sparked by iconic trans activist Marsha P. Johnson after New York City police violently raided the Stonewall Inn, a popular gay bar, and hauled off Black and brown employees and patrons. Unfortunately, queer unions would not be legalized until decades later.
This period was also a time when marriage rates shifted, especially for Black men. By 1960, those who were age 35 and over had a higher percent of never having married (at 10%) when compared with white men, and that percentage remained steady into the 1970s. Black women during this time were more likely to have been married by age 35 than their white counterparts, according to research, until 1970.
Former POTUS Barack Obama and Michelle Obama
Leigh Vogel/WireImage/Getty Images
Early 1980s- 2010s: Evolving & Elevating
TV shows like The Jeffersons, Family Matters, Martin, The Cosby Show, Living Single, and Girlfriends, began to reflect advancements in Black love depictions, and films like Love Jones, Boomerang, and The Best Man reinforced the notion that Black love is strong, ever-changing, and here to stay. Queer love depictions were also in the fold, with shows and films like Set It Off,The Color Purple, Blackbird,Moonlight and Pariah offering a glimpse into diverse narratives of love.
In 2003, Black Marriage Day, an annual celebration of the resilience, importance, and beauty of Black American relationships, was founded by Bisa Muhammad and is celebrated each March. And what a celebration indeed, since just five years later, the landmark U.S. presidential election brought in our first Black POTUS and first lady and ushered in an era of the image of Black love in the White House with Barack and Michelle Obama. In 2015, queer unions were finally legalized nationwide by the Supreme Court.
Actress Niecy Nash and wife Jessica Betts
Robin L Marshall/WireImage/Getty Images
Today: Celebrating Black Love In All Its Forms
Today, we no longer have to wait for Hollywood to show us the images of Black love that we long to see. Thanks to the internet and social media, we can see Black people luxuriating in the expansiveness that our love has to offer 24/7, all over the world. Whole platforms have been created to showcase and celebrate the evolution of Black love including IG’s Black Love Feed and Blackqueer Love and shows like OWN’s Black Love.
The exploration of gender identities, polyamory and other non-monogamous relationships, as well as the de-centering of sexual relationships and the elevation of platonic relationships, radical self-love and community-building, are also redefining what Black love looks like, taking away the pressures of marriage as the only legitimate or "official" source of love and putting the prerogative in the hands of the people. Black love–in all of its forms–has always been revolutionary. And it's never looked more beautiful.
Featured image by Bettmann / Contributor via Getty Images
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:
Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images