“Aye, you gon' put me down with your friend?"
If anyone has heard this line more than anything, it's me. From setting up the secret kiss under the monkey bars to playing a couple's therapist on the phone, I was the ultimate love middleman.
And I hated it.
I never really meant to live in the friendzone my entire life, it just seemed to happen. But after years of hanging with the guys and hyping up my girls from the sidelines, I couldn't shake it from my resume.
I was a friendzone connoisseur and, as I got older, I desperately didn't want to be one anymore.
Growing up, my life was surrounded by wrestling and making mud pies with all my guy cousins. While I could still pick out a bomb Barbie outfit or steal the show at a dance recital, I formed this natural instinct to follow what the guys were doing.
And where did that leave me?
Super single and ultimately insecure. Because although I am friendly in nature, I secretly wanted to be noticed like my other girlfriends.
It's not like I had a problem talking to guys. I could instantly create chemistry and good conversation. It just happened to be about what to get their boo for Valentine's Day or how Dez caught it.
I wish I could tell you that I attracted these relationships based on my down to earth personality but the truth is that it was out of fear. I dreaded playing the matchmaker because it constantly reminded me that I wasn't loveable. No matter what I did, I believed that I just wasn't worth fighting for.
As I'm finally trying to grow up and be poppin' at 26, I realize that this was a fear I needed to slay once and for all. From putting myself out there to getting advice from the bros, here are three things I'm learning to help abandon the friendzone syndrome for good:
Mindset is Everything, So Change It
Many times, we decide our outcome before it even happens. When I met a guy that I was attracted to, I would immediately default him to the 'he loves me not' pile. This is commonly described as the Law of Attraction, an energy that you attract based on what you truly believe. So, if you assume that no one will take you seriously as a quality, wifey-type woman, then you're right. You will block yourself from opportunities based off your assumptions of others.
The biggest way to shift this mindset is through loving yourself more than any attention could give. When you are secure in who you are, the world will notice. You can do this by being open to new opportunities and staying positive. I often say affirmations like “I am worthy of love today" or “I will abundantly give my love and I know it will return." Have confidence that you deserve to be loved on like you desire.
Wear It Out Loud
People say looks don't matter but they are lying. When I look back on those dreadful Facebook memories and go through old MySpace photos, I stare back at a very insecure young girl. For the longest time, I had the philosophy that I shouldn't put effort into my appearance unless I knew I was going to be seen.
The problem is that you don't know where the stars may align. You just might run into “him" at the grocery store or in the airport (I stayed busted when I traveled). Now, I'm not saying that you must be in full YouTube tutorial makeup all the time but when we put effort into how we look, it boosts how we feel internally as well. I've definitely noticed that I'm receiving more attention because I feel super confident with a mean wand curl and a red lip. If you struggle with this, try taking your look up a notch for a month and see if you discover differences.
Be Social and Talk to Your Guy Friends
So, I changed my mindset and boosted my confidence in my appearance but I still cuddled up with a glass of wine every night. I'm the biggest homebody ever but realized that future bae wasn't going to tear down my door to watch episodes of Insecure with me. I had to get out there and be seen. You shouldn't go to an event just to attract guys but putting yourself out there will help you be open to attention if he just so decides to hand you a drink.
In addition, if you have established respected friendships like I have, ask them for advice. I often hear that I'm oblivious when a guy may be trying to holla because I automatically assume that they aren't interested. The guy friends I trust have been really great about giving me feedback on the vibe I give off to other men, especially when we are all out together.
Although terrifying, I'm learning to put myself out in the world because they deserve to see the amazing person I fell in love with. Embrace the process of learning yourself and I promise the rest will follow.
Alaina Curry is a Las Vegas publicist, freelance writer and owner of her website The Glow Up, a post-grad survival blog for the lit and educated. Embracing the raggedy moments of adulthood, she is always looking to push the narrative of loving your truth and chasing your dreams. You can follow her on Instagram or Twitter at @hotlaina_.
Some women have their whole wedding planned out, from the bridal gown and venue to the bridal party and playlist. However, KJ was not one of those people. “I didn’t foresee a wedding in my future,” she reveals. “I was just gonna be the boss chick, rich auntie. I didn’t force love in my life until recently. I never had an idea of what a dream wedding would look like, it was easier for me to elope.”
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
And to many people’s surprise, that was their original plan – until Skyh brought up a valid concern. He was raised by his grandmother and thought she should be at the wedding, and naturally, that led to KJ wanting her grandmother to be there as well – then her mom – and later her sister – and, you’ve gotta invite the besties too, right? From there, the guest list continued to blossom. Much like the updo and pop of color bold red lip, she wore on her special day, which was initially on her Pinterest board as a soft glam look with her hair hanging on her shoulders, KJ is okay with changing her plan if it brings her and her loved ones happiness.
So let’s get into the wedding, which took place in Malibu, CA. The first thing you should know about the celebrity couple is that they’re non-traditional. They know, and they don’t care. So, in true unconventional fashion, they shared the morning of the wedding together.
“I woke up with Skyh, we walked our dog, had black coffee, and said good morning to the people who stayed at the venue with us,” she says.
Now, it was time for hair and makeup. While she was getting glammed up, she had Black-owned McBride Sisters wine and champagne (which ties into The Black Experience theme) on deck with her mom and friends, had her besties help rework her vows, retried on every outfit (sis is very Type-A), took photos, and ended the early-celebration with prayer and meditation. It seems very non-Bridezilla, I said.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company,” she explains. “The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
Things moved quickly, and before she knew it, it was time to line up to walk down the aisle.
“Yeah, I was the most unbothered bride ever. Everyone was just so supportive. As entertainers, we go on red carpets all the time. We actually have a production company. The get-ready process was like a day at work, but with people we love the most. Being entertainers, we didn’t feel stressed at all, but my excitement was so high.”
KJ Smith and her bridal party
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
Since everything started with their grandmothers, the couple wanted to ensure they honored them and planned to keep an element of their wedding traditional. Although we’ve all seen the reception videos and photos online, you may have noticed visuals from the wedding itself are harder to find.
“We planned for it to be traditional, but we’re not like that, so we tried to create those moments. We jumped the broom and had a salt ceremony (where the bride and groom individually pour salt into a glass container, symbolizing their lives becoming one.) But honestly, still, nothing was traditional about it.”
She goes on to explain that her mom caught the holy ghost coming down the aisle, her glam team was on deck, and she became so nervous with excitement that she had an anxiety attack – something she struggled with for years, she explains tearfully. Her friends had to literally cheer her down the aisle because of how overwhelmed she felt until she eventually calmed down.
“Skyh was standing there with his hand on his heart; we have our own little language, and I could feel the support,” she shares.
It was surprising to hear all these emotional moments happened before the party we saw online. That is until she once again got into the backstory.
“As a Black woman actress, for so long, it was popular to be mysterious and secretive, but that’s not who I am or what I like. Plus, we both wanted to create an experience for everyone there. We are the people who always host family and friends,” she says. “Like for me, the first order of business was getting sandals for the women so they can dance all night long. We had oxtail, D'ussé, and a coffee and sativa lounge – which is part of Skyh and I’s lifestyle and routine. We wanted to bring them into our world.”
Skyh Black (L) and KJ Smith (R)
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
She went on to discuss the dance routine she did for her husband at the reception, which has taken over the internet. Apparently, that’s another thing that didn’t go according to plan. According to KJ, she had promised a performance at their joint bachelor/ bachelorette party, but her outfit got stolen from her car. So, Skyh ended up performing for her – complete with a strip tease. Still, she never forgot her promise to dance for him.
So, she hired her friend as a choreographer, learned the routine, made friends and family watch it endless times, and attended Beyoncé’s Renaissance show a few days before for a confidence boost. It ended up being a show to remember. But that wasn’t all the night offered. Lil Mo performed, and the guests received special goody bags featuring their favorite Black-owned products like journals, hair care, and more.
“We made sure everyone was taken care of all night. That kind of stuff makes us happy. I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives,” she says.
But naturally, the internet is going to internet, and while there were countless people praising the event and applauding the newlyweds, some thought it was too over the top. I was curious to know her thoughts on some of the criticism.
“It’s cool. We did what we wanted to do. I’ve decided to share my world with people. Just how I went on social media platforms and found inspiration, I want people to do the same,” she explains. “I don’t think it's fair to my supporters not to give that out. There’s so much I wanna share with brides, specifically Black brides. I love that people are adding it to their Pinterest boards."
"I wanted everyone there to experience the joy and love I have for myself, my partner, and for them. I wanted them to feel full and whole, and they had the time of their lives."
KJ Smith
Photo by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
“I’m happy with it because we did what we wanted to do. They can do what they wanna do. Don’t be cruel, though, because you will get blocked,” she said, laughing.
The more I spoke with her, the more her sense of freedom shined through. People are always going to have their opinions, but at the end of the day, it’s you who has to live your life, and it seems like the couple realizes that and embraces that power. She also stressed the importance of not living for others and the lessons life has taught her.
“I’ve been to countless weddings, and I’ve been in countless weddings. I’m a generally older bride. So when women in my demographic get married, and you and your husband are busy working people like us, you deserve to have the one you want to have,” she shares.
“This is what we wanted to do. Our loved ones love and support us. We did so much to honor them, but we also wanted to start our own tradition, legacy, and creation. I'm not going to be pulled back into ideas of the past when I’m trying to create a future with my partner. “
If you’d like to see more of the couple, you probably won’t have to wait long. Although no content is planned yet, she admits to being an oversharer. “Me being open and transparent about my experiences lets people know it’s okay to have flaws; it makes you human, and for many years, I didn’t believe that was okay. I had pressure to be perfect, and I’d crumble every time,” she explains to xoNecole.
Now, she owns her flaws and uses them as a superpower to connect with her community and feel and express her love.
“Some people give us [Skyh and KJ] a hard time because they say we just seem too perfect. I’m like, why is that a bad thing? I love the people I love. From my man to my mama, to my friends - unabashedly. We move through time and space how we want to move. If we did it another way, we’d let ourselves and our union down.”
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Feature image by Stanley Babb/ Stanlo Photography
This fashion week definitely hit different for me. It felt heavier and not as fun as it used to be. One day, once I’ve processed everything with my therapist, I’ll be able to talk about the psychological Olympics that overwhelm me, from what to wear to not being accepted by certain groups — it’s just so much. And we don’t talk about what it does to your mental. I’m definitely living in the BOTH/AND space — it felt grueling, and I felt blessed. So let’s run back my week so you can see what it’s like to be a fashion writer during New York Fashion Week.
Day 1
Harlem Fashion Row celebrated its 16th year by hosting the Style Awards at the Apollo Theater. Kelly Rowland, Wayman and Micah, Gabriela Karefa-Johnson, Stella Jean, Johnny Nunez, and A$AP Rocky were among the honorees. Megan Renee, Nicole Benefiled Portfolio, and A. Potts showed off some head-turning designs. The show concluded with a tribute to hip-hop by Doug E. Fresh.
Fit Check — I opted for an all-black look comprised of a bralette, voluminous tulle skirt, combat boots, and bedazzled NY fitted cap. I wanted to give rose in Harlem.
Day 2
When I received the Hanifa presentation invitation, my life was made. For me, Hanifa has always been a showstopper with its inclusive designs and larger-than-life collections. Not to mention, the designer, Anifa, is proof of what resilience looks like. From being the first designer to put on a virtual fashion show during the pandemic to creating another collection after just giving birth. The event brought out some of our favorite fashion girlies like Serayah, Maiya the Don, and Aaliyah Jay. The playlist was lit, the drinks were hitting, and the looks were looking.
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: Since I love a Hanifa piece, I just had to remix one of my favorite skirts of all time. I coupled a daring knitted top with a Hanifa maxi skirt and accessorized with a matching knit bag. To stay comfy, I kicked back in orange Nike Dunks.
Day 3
On the third day, I pulled up to the Miss Circle NYFW Kickoff Party. Miss Circle CEO Isabel Deng expressed her excitement about hosting the event again to kick off New York Fashion Week in a press release. She said that Miss Circle is deeply intertwined with the New York fashion scene because their flagship store is located in the heart of Soho. She added that the evening is their way of celebrating this New York moment with their devoted fans and the local community. And while this isn’t a Black-owned brand, the melanin was all over. Riley Burruss, Ciara Miller, Sofi The Oddity, and Tarah Lynn were just some of the fashion lovers who arrived in style.
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: I donned a black and gold top complete with sequin and fringe that perfectly paired with my golden bottoms from Char Workroom. It was really the golden cowboy boots that sealed the deal.
Day 4
Day 4 was a doozy. First up, I stopped by the Cinq à Sept presentation set against New York’s stunning skyline. The Cinq à Sept Spring 2024 Collection is inspired by Old Hollywood glamour and the Côte d’Azur. It is sophisticated, romantic, and celebratory. The collection embodies a sense of slowing down and new beginnings.
After that, I went to Kate Spade at The Standard High Line, where the colors and patterns were on full display. I was in heaven, surrounded by polka dots and sequins. The presentation was filled with vibrant and eye-catching clothing and accessories. I could have spent hours browsing the clothes, but I eventually had to tear myself away and head to the Raise Fashion Collective at The Standard Hotel.
Specifically, I wanted to support one of my favorite brands, CISE, because “Protect Black Women” is forever the motto. One of the advantages of attending fashion showcases is that I have the opportunity to see new brands like Concept 26, a jewelry collection created by Shari Smith; she birthed it to accompany women's life journeys and enhance their confidence. Or Vontélle Eyewear, founded by Tracy Green & Nancey Harris, to meet the demand for vibrant color and patterns and better fitting eyewear. It’s all about fit, fashion, and functionality.
Up next, the Kensington Grey Brunch filled me up as Black creators took over Neuhouse to talk all things fashion and creation. Their annual NYFW event was a conversation with American Fashion Designer Dapper Dan, Ami Colé Founder and CEO Diarrha N'Diaye - Mbaye, Topicals Founder and CEO Olamide Olowe, Jeneé Naylor, Kia Marie, Karen Blanchard, and Kensington Grey Founder and CEO Shannae Ingleton Smith. The event was held to discuss the intersection of fashion, entrepreneurship, and brand strategy.
(L-R) Olamide Olowe, Diarrha Ndiaye and Jenee Naylor
Photo courtesy of Kensington Grey
The panelists discussed their experiences as Black entrepreneurs in the fashion industry and how they are using their platforms to promote diversity and inclusion. They also spoke about the importance of using fashion as a tool for social change.
It’s not NYFW if I don’t hit up the Essence Fashion House. This year’s theme: WHERE BLACK CREATIVITY REDEFINES FASHION. This event celebrated Black culture and fashion, providing tools for Black-owned brands and creatives to thrive. Attendees gathered to learn, be celebrated, and be inspired.
The lineup included:
- Hip Hop, “Haute” Sh*t, & Heritage: The Best of Bed Fellows
- Navigating Mental Health And Wellness Behind The Scenes In Fashion
- What is Sustainability in Black Fashion
- African Fashion and Garments
- Are Black People Buying Black Luxury
- SOKO MRKT, a retail pop-up of emerging & established Black designers
Fit Check: This look was sponsored by my mama. *cues On My Mama* My mom thrifted an amazing black and white polka dot shacket that I decided to pair with wide-leg camo pants that I stole from her closet. I accessorized with an edgy basketball purse.
Day 5
At this point, I wasn’t sure what day it was, but my first stop was the Flying Solo show featuring Denver-based designer HAUS. This Black-owned and queer-led design house creates urban contemporary, gender-affirming, and inclusive clothing with an emphasis on sustainability. HAUS designs are primarily intended to fit gender non-conforming people, and they offer both standard and customizable options to fit everyone. By using vegan and recycled materials in a small-batch production process, HAUS is able to achieve its mission of creating garments that truly include all bodies, all people, all the time.
Then, it was on to Son Jung Wan, one of my favorite designers. The "Harmony" collection was inspired by the beauty of natural movements and personifies humanity in its most artistic form. The collection features powerful silhouettes with delicate gentleness, created with ruffles, light silk, organza, chiffon, and mesh.
The last stop was alice + olivia by Stacey Bendet, where the weather gods thought a torrential rain shower was appropriate. The brand's Spring 2024 Collection was inspired by Capote’s Swans and high-society of the 1960s, presenting a fresh take on the historic era.
(L-R) Adee Erhabor, Courtney Simpson, a guest, Joce Blake, and Ashley Weddington
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: Since corsets and cargos are in, I went for an ethereal yet edgy vibe in a vibrant blue corset with metallic cargo pants. I was feeling gaudy, so I layered up some diamond necklaces to coordinate with the diamonds in my top and the shine of my pants.
Day 6
Only two things mattered on Day 6 - the Sergio Hudson Show & Afterparty. Even before Sergio graced the cover of Essence with THEE Keke Palmer, I was a fan. The way he designs for the magic that is the Black women keeps me in awe. And I’m not the only one because he brought the girls out from La La Anthony to Marsai Martin to Nene Leakes to Angela Rye to Yvonne Orji to Kimora Lee Simmons. The runway was awash with feminine pieces that skillfully blended classic staples with risqué pieces. The models wore everything from delicate silk blouses to daring leather pants, and the overall effect was both elegant and edgy. The collection was a clear statement from the designer that femininity is not one-dimensional and that it can be expressed in many different ways.
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: I had to save my multicolored structured jacket for this day. I wanted to be like Kanye West the entire night — DO YOU SEE THIS COAT!? Underneath, I wore an ombre dress and finished the look with orange heels and a Coach Tabby.
Day 7
Each season, the Global Fashion Collective brings fashion designers from all over the world to present their latest collections. This event is a celebration of the power of creativity and the beauty of diversity, as it features everything from avant-garde designs to classic fashion staples. I’m always blown away by the emerging designers’ stylish iterations.
I concluded the night with the fabulous creations by Sammy B Designs. Ever since Samantha Black burst onto the scene years ago, she has been one to watch, and Beyoncé agrees. This season, she elevated her ready-to-wear clothing line, which is feminine with an eclectic edge, with sequins, mesh, vibrant colors, logomania, cutouts, and puffed fabric, ranging from joggers to coordinated sets to dresses. After she slayed the runway, then we partied all night with some fire tunes and groovy drinks from Appleton Estate.
(L-R) Ashley Weddington, Joce Blake, and Courtney Simpson
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: I can’t lie — this look was not planned, but when my girls said they were going with all-denim looks, then I knew I needed to come through. I rocked my denim jacket from the Daquane Cherry and Steve Madden collection because it was giving Basquiat art on the back. On the bottom, I wore flared denim jeans and brought the look to completion with an urban take on the cowboy hat. Altogether, we were giving Destiny’s Children.
Day 8
I had to take a break on Tuesday to get my life together. By Wednesday morning, I was jumping back in with Indonesia Now as my first show. Indonesian fashion designers Ivan Gunawan, Merdi Sihombing, Ayumi, IKAT Indonesia by Didiet Maulana, Ghea Panggabean, Amero X Livette, and Suedeson by Kimberly Tandra X MANDY'S' all showcased their Spring/Summer 2024 collections. The collections were inspired by a variety of sources, including the golden age of the Majapahit empire, traditional Batak patterns, street style, the diversity of Indonesia's traditional clothing silhouettes, the strength of Sumbanese women and weavers, the Borobudur temple, geometric abstract triangle motifs, and Indonesian women with different styles and dreams.
I stopped by the Black in Fashion Council showroom to indulge in more emerging designers. Fumi the Label brought the colorful knots we need all year round. KHOI introduced a new jewelry collection full of intention. Tejahn Burnett presented the footwear selection of our dreams. I was really impressed with all of the designers, and I can't wait to see what they come up with next.
The Black in Fashion Council is an organization that supports and promotes Black designers in the fashion industry. The showroom is a great place to see the latest designs from Black designers and to learn more about their work. I highly recommend checking it out if you're interested in fashion or supporting Black businesses.
WhenSmokeClears brought the New York City flavor we all love and adore. It was the way every model rocked Timberlands. The collection is undoubtedly an extension of the brand's previous collections, which create community like never before. My favorite moment: the most beautiful pregnant woman stole the show in a denim cape dress with coordinating denim pants.
Photo courtesy of Joce Blake
Fit Check: The last day’s fit was giving blushing bride as I adorned an all-pink look complete with pink cargo pants, a pink frilly, floral top, and a pink veil outlined with roses that fell to the floor. To add more pink, I carried my favorite pink paisley Brandon Blackwood bag.
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Feature image courtesy of Joce Blake
