

A few weeks ago, one of my clients asked me if I had watched a movie that has racked up about a billion (give or take) Oscar nods this year—A Marriage Story. I think because, as a marriage life coach, I feel like I see the movie, on repeat, every week, it didn't "move me" quite as much as it probably did a lot of other people. Still, I totally get why my divorced client—along with a friend of mine who said she cried while watching it—was a bit shook. The writing is extremely realistic. It also helps to prove a particular belief on marriage that I have. It's the belief that "big things" are not what typically rock a marriage to its core. No, it's usually very small things that go ignored or resentfully unaddressed that end up snowballing way out of control.
That is why I'm a huge fan of recommending marriage hacks to couples. Aside from seasonal therapy (which I also highly recommend; it's like a routine oil change for your relationship), it's one of the best ways to keep little issues from eventually becoming gigantic problems. It's also one way to hopefully avoid becoming the real-life version of one of this year's most popular films.
1. Write a Marriage Mission Statement
If you go to Wikipedia to see how it defines a mission statement, this is a part of what it will say—"A mission statement is a short statement of why an organization exists, what its overall goal is, identifying the goal of its operations…" And yes, while a lot of mission statements are penned for businesses, I personally am a huge fan of them also being written for personal reasons. Ask any married couple who's passed the newlywed phase and they will vouch for the fact that it's the kind of union that also needs clarity on why the relationship exists, what the overall goals are and what needs to be done in order to reach those ambitions. If right now, it feels like, although you and your spouse are "in it to win it", you're not really sure what that means or how to get where you want to go, take out a couple of hours one weekend to write a mission statement together. Then post it somewhere where you both can see it. This very simple marriage hack could be what brings clarity to the purpose of and desires for your relationship.
2. Go on a Positivity Fast
If someone were to ask you right now to mention seven things that totally irk you about your partner, I'm willing to bet the money that I will get from writing this article that you can rattle those things right off. Yet isn't it interesting that, if someone were to also ask you to share 10 things that you adore about your spouse, chances are, it would probably take a lot more time? A part of the reason why a lot of us roll that way is due to something known as a "negativity bias". It basically means that our brains have a tendency to not only take in negative stimuli more easily but we oftentimes dwell on it too.
One way to "reprogram" yourself is to be intentional about focusing on the positive. One way to do this in your marriage is to tell yourself (and your partner) that you are going to go three, five or seven days without saying anything negative. Instead, you are only going to state positive words towards and about them.
The affirmations will make your spouse feel loved, respected and appreciated. Plus, putting good energy into your relationship will help you to see your marriage from a "glass half full" rather than a "glass half empty" perspective. And that always will work in your favor.
3. DIY a Hotel Bed
People who know me know that I am good for hooking a married couple up with a hotel room, free of charge. Although it's been a minute since I've had hotel sex (le sigh), I still have my memories and there is something about a hotel bed that makes coitus extra bomb! But man, when I went to book a Valentine's Day reservation recently, the rooms in Nashville were averaging between $350-400 a night. Geeze. That has given me the idea to also start doing DIY hotel room gift baskets. Basically, they're baskets with high thread-count sheets, new pillows, some essential oils and possibly a pillow mattress cover, if needed.
Listen, while incorporating a sex jar can help you to save money so that you can engage in a lil' bit of hotel copulation, if times are tight right now, one way to make sex extra hot is to DIY your own hotel bed. A change of bedding and a few candles can do miracles. You'd betta believe it.
4. Do a Project Together
One of my closest male friends calls me a "king maker". Out of all of the affirmations that I've received, that one definitely ranks up in the top three because he told me that it means that I like to do my part to help men to win. He's right. That's why I consider myself to be a complementarian which basically means that I believe that men and women were created equally yet differently, in part, in order to complement one another and bring balance to each other's lives. So, if you're a single woman who desires to be married someday, please make sure that the man you choose shows clear signs of being a "queen maker"—that you both are invested in building each other up in as many ways as possible.
If you're already married, one way to do this kind of building is for you and your spouse to pick a project that you can do together. It can be something around the house. It can be taking a class or course together. Or, it could be putting together an annual bucket list and seeing how many things you can check off of it come Christmas. Sometimes, life is so crazy, that couples forget that they are there to help to share the load, dream together, and use each other's resources to accomplish certain goals and aspirations. The more two people function as a team, the more bonded they tend to be.
5. Forgive. ASAP.
Something that I tell single and engaged people often is, if you're not good at forgiving someone (including yourself), you are going to suck at marriage. Keeping this in mind, while it might be an "ouch" moment for some, when you think about the root cause of a lot of divorces out here, many of them stem from unforgivingness. In fact, I believe that one of the reasons why a lot of people struggle so much with marriage is because they have too much pride, fear and/or ego to accept that someone else is just as human and flawed as they are. The reason why I say that is because, it's real interesting how much we want to be forgiven for what we do (or don't do), but the moment someone else desires the same empathy, compassion and pardon, we emotionally shut down.
Forgiveness isn't easy. Whew, not at all. But some of the healthiest people with the longest-running marriages will tell you that if you want your marriage to thrive, accepting the humanness of your partner, not holding grudges and learning to let stuff go are some of the best ways to do that.
The Bible even co-signs—"When angry, do not sin; do not ever let your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last until the sun goes down." (Ephesians 4:26—AMPC) Another way to look at this is, "Forgive others as quickly as you expect God to forgive you." (A writer named Sylvia Grace once said that.) If the Word ain't your thing, a great quote by author Bryan H. McGill says, "There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love." Show your partner how much you love them by forgiving them. It really is one of marriage's superpowers and the key to not only saying "until death parts us" but actually meaning it.
6. Recreate Your First Date
Romance is important to the health and well-being of a relationship; especially a marriage. This definition of the word is a big reason why—"to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness". No one wants to feel like their spouse isn't "wooing them" anymore, simply because they are "officially" together. If it's been a while since you and your partner have done something to make you blush or him grin, a simple way to bring the romance back is to recreate your first date. No matter how elaborate or simple it was, there is always something super sweet about revisiting the moments when you both first saw a spark (or a potential one) between the two of you.
7. Participate in a 7-Day Climax Mission
There are a lot of married people who've told me that the longer they are with their spouse, the better their sex life becomes. To me, that makes total sense because even the King James Version of the Bible uses the word "know" to define sexual intimacy (the New King James Version of Genesis 4:1 is a good example of this). The more you get to know someone and they get to know you, the more pleasurable the relationship can be. And, the more two people get to know one another, the better they become at figuring out what turns their partner on and what doesn't; what will make them climax and what won't.
That's why, whenever I'm dealing with a sexually frustrated spouse who tells me that it's been a while since they've had an orgasm, one eyebrow—if not both—goes up. "Have they ever made you cum?" is usually my first question. If the answer is "yes", then I tell them that if it happened before, it can happen again. Next, I suggest that they go on a 7-day climax mission—and yep, it's just what you think it is. The reason why I've penned articles like "10 Simple Ways Married Couples Can Make More Time For Sex" is because, while it would be cool if all sex sessions could be like 90s R&B songs, not everyone has time for all night long sex, all of the time. But you know what you can make time for? Getting your partner off. And if you've been paying even 50 percent of attention to their body, that is something that you can make time to pull off every day, for a week straight—easily. If doing this doesn't make the two of you happier and ultimately bring the two of you closer together, I promise you that I don't know what will!
8. Go on a Road Trip
There are some couples I know who've been married for years and can count on one hand how many times they've taken a romantic trip together (including their honeymoon). That's sad, y'all. Spending quality time away with your boo should not be seen as a luxury; it should definitely be treated as a necessity, especially since there are studies to support the fact that traveling together causes couples to feel closer to one another. Not only that but one article I read stated that couples who go on vacations feel like they have similar goals and desires, that they are able to handle their differences better and that they have more fun together too.
Even if you're not ballin' and you can't get away on a cruise or even catch a flight to another state any time soon, at least try and fit a road trip in a couple of times a year. The time alone in the car, coupled with spending a few days being totally off of life's grid can be just what you need to breathe new life and romance into your union.
9. Pray and/or Meditate Together
I recently read an article that stated some of the health benefits that come from praying. Some of them include the fact that praying makes you more positive, reduces stress, gives you stronger coping mechanisms, increases your ability to forgive, and even adds years to your life. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because, whenever I deal with a couple that's in trouble, there are usually two things that they are not doing—praying and having sex. When you see all of the good things that come out of doing both (for the sex point, check out "10 Wonderful Reasons Why Consistent Sex In Marriage Is So Important"), why wouldn't you want to incorporate them into your relationship as much as possible?
On the prayer tip, it can be having prayer together in the morning or before turning in at night. Or, if prayer isn't your thing, consider taking out 10-15 minutes to meditate together instead. I once read an article that provided 100 physiological benefits of meditation. If you take it a step further and turn it into an orgasmic meditation exercise, you might find that prayer and/or meditation are the hacks that could be totally life-saving when it comes to your relationship.
10. Cuddle
One more hack, y'all and it's an easy one. When's the last time that you and yours cuddled? I don't mean getting close as a lead into foreplay. I mean just sitting on the couch while being draped over one another or curling up in each other's arms while engaging in some pillow talk? Yeah, don't sleep on cuddling. It's proven to lower inflammation, ease chronic pain, boost immunity, relieve anxiety and improve one's quality of sleep. Also, since cuddling is a surefire way to boost the "love hormone" known as oxytocin (which can instantly make you feel closer to your partner), it's the kind of activity that can cause your mind, body and spirit to feel connected to your partner in a very sweet, sentimental and intimate kind of way. Try it tonight. Watch how it benefits your union—how a simple thing like experiencing a long hug from your life partner can totally get your marriage back on track.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What's Up With The Whole 'Married But Living Apart' Trend?
10 Communication Mistakes Many Married Couples Make
What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Your April 2025 Horoscopes Are All About Softening Into Love & Speaking Your Truth
April is a month to slow down and to fully grasp what has been. The month starts in fiery Aries Season, but we are also in the thick of Retrograde Season as we begin the month as well. Thankfully, Mercury finally goes direct on April 7, after being retrograde mid-March, and communication matters are clearing up. This is a month of mental clarity, a fresh start, and not being afraid to dream a little bigger.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, and this Full Moon brings relationship and financial matters full circle. This is the time to let go of what doesn’t make you feel balanced or in harmony and to create space for more peace to enter your life. Venus goes direct in Pisces on the same day, after being retrograde since March 1, and love is healing. With Venus now direct, there are more opportunities for commitment and longevity in love, and there is overall a greater feeling of romance, receptivity, and compassion in the air now.
Mercury enters Aries from April 16 until May 10, and what you were trying to see through or understand better while Mercury was retrograde here last month, you are experiencing a breakthrough now. Mercury in Aries is insightful and courageous, and people are more likely to speak their minds and initiate conversation with this energy. Mars then enters Leo from April 18 until June 17, reminding us that sometimes it’s okay to be a little more selfish and to focus on what you need right now. Mars in Leo brings forth confidence, creativity, and passion, and brings an exciting energy to charge of your life and advocate for yourself.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, bringing some earth sign energy into the mix, grounding and nurturing what you are creating in your life right now. On April 27, we have a New Moon in Taurus, and this is an abundant and fruitful New Moon. This is one of the best New Moons of the year for you to set your intentions for your financial world and a time for seeing new opportunities for abundance. On the last day of the month, Venus moves into Aries until June 6th, and love requires a little more passion, independence, and excitement during this time.
Overall, April is a month of feeling things through, taking more intuitive risks, investing in yourself, and balancing your needs with the needs of your relationships.
Read for your sun and rising sign below to see what April has in store for you.
ARIES
April is your month to shine, Aries. With the chaos of March now over, you are starting to see the progress of where life is and how everything has turned out even better than you were expecting. The month begins with the Sun in your 1st house of self, and you are feeling more confident, courageous, and in tune with yourself. With a Full Moon in your sister sign on April 12, relationships are also coming full circle for you now, and you are claiming your peace this month.
Mercury finally goes direct on April 7 and then enters your sign from April 16 to May 10, and this is going to clear up any miscommunications that you have been through. With Mercury now in your sign, your conversations are lively, your mind is inspiring, and you are thinking one step ahead. Before the month ends, Venus enters your sign from April 30 to June 6, and love is also moving forward for you now. Overall, this is a month where you are experiencing some happy outcomes and loyal support.
TAURUS
April is a month of passion and purpose, Taurus. You are living in your abundance, and are focused on valuing yourself and the things you are bringing to fruition right now. Venus, your ruling planet, goes direct on March 12 after being retrograde in your financial house since March 1, and you are moving into the month experiencing more opportunities and also feeling more respected in what you are accumulating for yourself and standing your ground on.
Taurus Season officially begins on April 19, and it’s all about you right now. This Taurus Season is smoothing things out for you in love, with new relationship developments unfolding and life flourishing for you. The New Moon this month is in your sign on April 27, it’s time for a new beginning. You are truly embracing your strength in April, making things happen for yourself, and no longer doubting your future and what is possible for you.
GEMINI
This month is all about the options becoming available to you now, Gemini. With your ruling planet Mercury going direct at the beginning of the month on April 7, you no longer feel as held back or out of place as you may have in the past weeks. With Mercury now direct, your thinking is clearer, and you are seeing the opportunities in your career and professional world that you may have missed before.
The more you can embrace your authenticity, the less time you will spend doubting how others perceive you, remember that this month.
On April 12, there is a Full Moon in Libra, highlighting the romance in your life and bringing forth understanding and compassion within your close relationships. You are letting go of old attachments or self-doubts that haven’t been serving your love life, and are growing closer to your own heart in the process. Before April comes to an end, Mars enters your 3rd house of communication, and you are overall leaving the month focused on your progress, your vision, and taking up space because you deserve to.
CANCER
This month is all about balancing your time and energy wisely, Cancer. You are being reminded not to overwork or overwhelm yourself in April, and to focus on doing the things that are within your control right now. The Sun is in your 10th house of career for most of the month so you are feeling really passionate about the things you are developing in your life right now, but it’s all about finding the right balance between your personal goals and your needs in your relationships as well.
The Full Moon in Libra on April 12 will be a time to devote your energy to self-care, close loved ones, and overall getting some time to decompress. You are ready to let go of the things that don’t make you feel safe or nurtured and are receiving an emotional renewal right now. The New Moon in Taurus at the end of the month is a time to focus on your intentions on your community, friendships, and aspirations in life, and to pay attention to where you can create more abundance here.
LEO
Things are turning around for you for the better, Leo. April is a dynamic month, and you are owning your inner alchemist. With a Full Moon in your 3rd house of communication on April 12, you are getting the messages you have been looking for and the mental clarity you have found is bringing closure to some of your close relationships. This month is about being flexible and trusting the changes that are happening for you right now.
On April 18, Mars enters your sign until June 17, and this is huge for you. You began the year with Mars retrograde in your sign, so you are getting the opportunity now, to rewrite some of the things that weren’t working for you at the beginning of the year. You are overcoming previous obstacles, and experiencing a breakthrough in your life this month. Before April ends, there is a New Moon in Taurus, highlighting your career, reputation, and professional life. This is a good New Moon to set your intentions for what goals you want to come to fruition for you now.
VIRGO
This month is all about building new foundations in your life, Virgo. You are feeling more supported and in tune with your own inner needs and interests, and it’s bringing you closer to people and systems that resonate. Your ruling planet Mercury goes direct this month on April 7 after being retrograde for the past few weeks; bringing more clarity, understanding, and compassion to your partnerships in life. You are focused on love this month and are working together with others to make your dreams come true.
Mid-month, Mars moves into your 12th house of closure and endings, and there is a journey of healing that you experience until June 17. You are motivated to understand yourself better and are looking at the past more right now in order to do so. This is a month of recovering and healing from what has been, for new foundations to be built upon. The New Moon on April 27 is a beautiful way to end the month, as you are getting glimpses of a new, abundant, adventure that is ahead of you.
LIBRA
This is a big month of closure for you, Libra. The Sun is in your 7th house of love for most of April, and your heart is in the right place. With Venus, your ruling planet, going direct on April 12 after being retrograde since March 1, you are finally able to take a breath. You are not experiencing as many obstacles when it comes to communication matters and you are feeling like you have the tools you need to move forward right now.
The Full Moon of the month is in your sign on April 12, and you are ready to let go of what isn’t working for you. You have been through a lot recently and have gained the clarity you need to let go of old attachments. Venus moves into your house of love before the month ends, and you are leaving the month feeling more in tune with where things are moving forward for you, rather than what you are leaving behind. Your heart moves through a journey in April, and your emotions are showing you a lot.
SCORPIO
April is a month of success, progress, and dreams coming to fruition, Scorpio. You are focused on your health, your priorities, and creating space for the new beginnings that you are creating in your life right now. The Full Moon mid-month is a big closure moment for you, and you are owning the fact that you have healed and you are no longer the same person you were in the past. This is a month of stepping into your power and feeling supported in doing so.
Mid-month, Mars enters your 10th house of career and public life and you are shining within your purpose. Over the next month and a half, you are going to be gaining some new opportunities that will be serving your professional life and goals. This is the month to show up and to let your skills, talents, and authenticity shine. On April 17, there is a New Moon in your opposite sign, Taurus, and you are leaving the month with some pleasant surprises in store for you in love as well.
SAGITTARIUS
April is a new beginning for you, Sagittarius. You are focused on putting the action and effort behind your goals, and you are being proactive within the opportunities that you are looking for right now. With a Full Moon in your 11th house of aspirations mid-month, you are letting go of the way you thought things would play out for you and are owning a more abundant version of things.
On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus, which will be highlighting your health and what your body needs more of right now. This is a New Moon to set your intentions for your everyday life and to create a new, beneficial routine that will make things easier for you at the end of the day. Before the month ends, Venus enters your 9th house of adventure, and you are leaving the month with your sights set high. Travel plans are likely, and this is a good time to create some new plans for yourself.
CAPRICORN
April is about putting one step in front of the other with patience and dedication and trusting the decisions you are making for yourself right now, Capricorn. The Sun is in your 4th house for most of the month, and you are yearning for your safe spaces, comfort foods, and loyal people. Giving yourself more time to decompress, take care of yourself, and ground your energy is essential this month.
Mars enters your 8th house of transformation mid-month and will be fueling your need for some change, excitement, and emotional rejuvenation over the next month and a half. You are entering an impactful moment of the year for you, and you are motivated toward change right now. The New Moon at the end of the month is in a fellow earth sign, highlighting the romantic new beginnings you are entering now. Overall, this month is a process, and you are opening new doors while finding gratitude in what is here for you now.
AQUARIUS
April is about giving yourself time to process, accept, and gain a new perspective, Aquarius. You are being guided towards friendship, connection, and community, and are understanding what may be creating the discord in your life that has been distancing you from that. The Full Moon this month is happening in Libra on April 12, and you are ready to let go of feeling like you have to do it all at once or all alone. This month is a reminder to take your time with all the experiences you want to have, trusting that they will come to fruition for you.
Mars enters your house of love and partnership on April 18, and you enter a passionate and steamy time. Romance is in the air for you as you move through the month, and you are spending more of your time with those who you want to move forward with. Venus also moves into a relationship area of your chart before April ends, and you are surrounded by love and community. Overall, this month is showing you that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the heavy stuff alone either.
PISCES
This is a month where your heart is shining, and you are feeling in tune with the progress you have made in your life and within your relationships, Pisces. You are owning your value, your worth, and the beauty of who you are, and are ready to leave the past behind. With Mercury and Venus both going direct in Pisces this month after being retrograde in your sign for the past few weeks, you are in a better space than you have been, and there are fewer obstacles and miscommunications in your life.
You have been through a journey of understanding yourself better through your goals, perspectives, and interests, and have been committing yourself to your authenticity. On April 27, there is a New Moon in Taurus happening, and this New Moon is a good time for communication matters, getting your message across, and for your creative pursuits. With the clarity you feel within your mind and heart right now, you are making a lot of progress in April and feeling pleased with where life is headed.
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10 Former Virgins Tell Me Why They're Glad They Waited Until Their Wedding Night
A couple of months ago, while having a conversation with one of the former virgins-now wives who happens to be featured in this article (who also happens to read a good amount of my content), something that she brought up is why don’t I mention virgins more in my content: “It’s not like we ain’t out here, Shellie,” she said — and she is exactly right.
Honestly, I didn’t have a real reason to give her because it’s not like I don’t know my fair share of them. Yeah, contrary to what social media wants folks to think, there are individuals who make it out of both high school and college without having sex (some, any form of sex, and some even well into their 20s and on) and really contrary to what social media says, research continues to share benefits that can come from waiting until marriage to copulate.
For instance, people who have only had sex with their spouse reportedly have a 45 percent greater chance of having a really stable marriage. Another study says that 71 percent of men who have only had one partner are very happy in their marriage as opposed to 65 percent of men who’ve had two or more partners. And still, another report has stated that women with 10 or more partners are most likely to divorce while women with only one partner are the least likely to.
It's another article for another time about why this all may be the case. For now, I just thought it was important to remind cyberspace that virgins are not obsolete (check out Newsweek’s “Number of Virgins in America Hits Record High” that came out just this past January) and there are some former virgins in this world who not only waited until their wedding night — but, for their own special reasons, are oh so very glad that they did.
1. Lynn. 28. Married for Three Years.
“I come from a generation of virgins and I’m proud of that. My mom was a virgin when she got married. So was my grandmother. I was raised that my body is a wedding present and so I’ve always seen myself that way. I’m officially out of my newlywed years and while it took about a year for me to really get the hang of things, I like that my husband is the only man that I’ve known. I don’t have anyone to compare him to. I’m not wondering if I’m missing out. He was a virgin too, so we’re not worried about mystery babies or incubated diseases. Sex is peaceful in my home. I’m glad that I waited.”
2. Adina. 35. Married for Eight Years.
“I’ll be real — I was a virgin on a technicality. I think a lot of virgins are because I didn’t have intercourse until marriage — but there was some oral action going on up in here for years. That’s just the truth! It’s not that I don’t think that oral sex is sex — I just liked that I could have the pleasure without worrying about pregnancy…and yes, not wanting to get pregnant is the main reason why I waited until marriage. I will say that giving my husband something that no other man had before did make the wedding night special — awkward, kind of uncomfortable and funny as hell at times but really special. I don’t regret it.”
3. Marie. 29. Married for Two Years.
“I didn’t plan on being a virgin until marriage. My goal was just to not give it up unless I loved someone — and that didn’t happen until my husband. When he found out that I was a virgin, he didn’t want to risk us dating, having sex, and breaking up. He said that it would have been on his conscience for the rest of his life. So…we waited. I didn’t expect that to make me love and trust him more but it did. If he could guard my heart while dating me, I’m sure he can protect me well now that we’re married. Waiting made me feel safer in my relationship. That is probably the best thing about it.”
4. Eliana. 30. Married for Six Years.
“People like to act like sex isn’t a big deal and that’s a damn lie. Anything that can give you a child or a disease that could end your life isn’t something that you should not care about. It’s not that I wasn’t curious or tempted or that there weren’t times when I didn’t come close, but so many of my friends had regrets about…not really the sex but who they chose to have sex with that I didn’t think it was worth the stress. I do think that if you are going to wait until your wedding night that you should find some wives to talk to because, baby, I was not prepared. I think that is a part of what marriage is about, though — having some things that you learn about, only with your spouse, knowing that it’s not a performance but an experience and since you’re married, you have all of the time in the world. There was a learning curve but we’ve got it down now, ma’am. Thank you very much.”
5. Krystal. 27. Married for Four Years.
“I’ve always thought it was weird that people think that virginity is only tied to religion. I’m agnostic and I was a virgin until I was 23 because I watched how the college years went for most of my friends and I decided to pass on STIs, unwanted pregnancies, and being caught up in guys who I didn’t see a future with. Life was easier for me not having sex and now I can enjoy my husband without the drama that my friends went through. You don’t need religion to use discernment.”
6. Michelle. 24. Married for One Year.
“I don’t know why people think that being a virgin means that you don’t think a lot about sex or have valid things to say about sex. For me, staying a virgin was hard but the reason was simple: I have a vivid imagination and I didn’t feel like having to think about what I should try or hold back from when it came time to do it. I know women who are like, ‘I’ll have sex with you but won’t suck your d-ck’ or ‘I’ll have sex with you but not in these positions.’ Girl, that man is in your body. What are all of these rules about? If your first time is something that you will never forget, I wanted mine to be no rules, no boundaries — we in this bitch! And that’s just how my wedding night was. I love him. He loves me. We’re gonna do whatever, whenever, however, for the rest of our lives. To me, that’s how sex should be.”
7. Francine. 33. Married for Four Years.
“I was too busy for sex. Call it strange but I just had too much on my plate. I think some people go to college and lose it because they didn’t have a real plan. College is something you do and so you go — and then you get distracted. That wasn’t me. I knew what I wanted to do, so, as fine as some of the men were, I wasn’t going to waste my time or my scholarship. Then, once I got my master’s, I was focused on getting a job and buying a house, so I didn’t do a lot of dating then either. I guess the universe didn’t want me out in these streets for too long because once I was ready to have a dating life, after three flop dates, thanks to a set-up, I met my husband, we dated for six months, and got married. It’s weird because I didn’t put much thought into being a virgin until my wedding night while I was living my life but now that you ask, I’m glad that I waited because, since I am such a planner, it’s nice that I don’t see sex as something that wrecked, ruined or even delayed all of the other things that I wanted to do. I never want to see sex as problematic. I think that waiting kept that from happening.”
8. Nya. 31. Married for Six Years.
“I’ll never forget you telling me about that husband who said that the thing that he loved the most about his wife’s body is he believed that when God made her, he had her in mind. When you told me that she wasn’t a Coke bottle shape, that made me feel like I didn’t need to change who I was while waiting for the right man. In all honesty, a part of the reason why I was a virgin for so long is because I had body image issues that I was dealing with. In college, I learned that men talk just as much as women when it comes to stuff like that and I didn’t want different guys ‘sizing me up.’ When I met my husband, he always made me feel not just like I was attractive but that my body was stunning to him — and that made me want to share myself with him. Honestly, the only reason why we waited until our wedding was because we were in a long-distance relationship and didn’t date for long, but it did feel good to know that he didn’t want to ‘test anything out’ before to make sure that he would be happy in that way. He was satisfied with me without sex and that made the wedding night pretty incredible."
9. Berry. 38. Married for 20 Years.
“It might be weird to hear that, although I was a virgin on my wedding night, I was also ‘abstinent’ when I dated my husband. What I’m saying is that no man had penetrated me before him, but I did mess around quite a bit with guys and it always made things messy — one way or another. When my husband came along, he wasn’t a virgin by any stretch, but he had been abstinent too for a few months. When we saw that this was going somewhere, we made the decision to not do anything sexual until we got engaged and then to not have actual sex until our wedding night. It gave us time to learn intimacy in other ways. It also helped out our relationship because we both travel for work. People think that you don’t need self-control sometimes after marriage and that’s just not true. Anyway, something that I respect about waiting is it ‘programmed’ me to see sex as something that is only for marriage — not due to religion but because I don’t know what intercourse is like without having a husband. I kinda like it.”
10. Chadae. 43. Married for 18 Years.
“It might sound crazy but one of my favorite celebrities has always been Lisa Bonet. I thought she was so pretty on The Cosby Show and I remembered watching a rerun of when Cliff asked her husband if they had sex before marriage and he said that Denise was a virgin on their wedding day. Even though a lot of my friends were having sex, something about that stood out to me — that you can be a beautiful woman, go on dates, have a full life and there doesn’t have to be sex on the table. I also liked how proud Cliff was as a father because, when my husband asked for permission to marry me, my dad didn’t ask if I was still a virgin, but I told him and my mom that I was and he teared up. He said it was because he wanted a man to value me enough to vow himself to me before I gave him my body — and he trusted my husband because he did. It might sound old-fashioned but some things that are ‘old-school’ prevent you from learning things the hard way.”
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Two of my favorite married couples have been together for over 20 years and the thing that they have in common is both the husbands and wives were virgins on their wedding day. Something that one of the wives has told me is she likes that all she knows is her husband and something that one of the husbands has said is he’s never wondered if he’s missing out on anything because he’s never had anyone to compare his wife to. How sweet is that?
If you are a virgin who is reading this, all of these resolves can definitely provide you with some food for thought before making any decisions about what to do about your own sex life. Because while the power of your sexuality is certainly your choice, should you want to wait — not only should you not feel bad, embarrassed, or even hesitant about that, there are benefits that can come with making such a sober-minded decision.
Virgins still exist. And, like most things in life, virginity has its own rewards. Salute.
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