Here's How To Know You're At Total Peace With Yourself
Something that my mother used to say fairly often to me is, "You are violent about getting healthy and maintaining your peace of mind." It's a bit of a play on words, but honestly, she ain't neva lied. In a world that is filled with drama (both online and off), people who change with the weather and challenges that can totally take you out (if you let them), I have learned that the best way to remain stable and centered is to make sure that I am in a state of peace. That I know how to calm my spirit down. That I can be still instead of busy, just for the sake of doing something. That no matter how hectic, erratic or nerve-wracking things may be around me, I can choose to remain composed, steady and completely undisturbed. Yeah, inner peace ain't nothin' to be slept on. It's one of the truest art forms that there is.
Yet and still, with all of the poppin' off that folks do, the stress-related illnesses that so many of us have and the obsessive worrying and overthinking that a lot of us subject ourselves to, sometimes we forget that inner peace is a surefire remedy to all of this. So, how can you know that you are more at peace with yourself than most?
1. You Feel As If You’ve Got Nothing to Prove
As life would have it, I found myself watching artist T-Pain on The Breakfast Club recently. Before he got into, let's just say a lot (he's pretty open about he and his wife engaging in threesomes from time to time and his interview basically went viral due to him running through $40 million bucks), I must say that I felt him when he said something in particular.
"I've wasted enough time trying to get people to see my truth. The relief of stress that I've had, not trying to prove anything to people…it's so great. My truth is I'm happy…the people who take their time to go on my page and go to a post where I'm doing something great just to tell me I fell off…you took time out of your day for this?...That used to determine how my day went. I gave that so much power, and now I can look back at myself and be like, 'Who are these people?'…they weren't there with me when with me shootin' in the gym, they weren't there when I came up crazy. They weren't there when I was doin' all of my biggest stuff, so now that things aren't 2008 anymore, I'm not gonna let them determine what happens to me during my day. My kids do that. My wife does that."
BET has a series calledBlew A Bag that also showcases how well-known people "lost" their money. I've checked out of a few of their stories. My two takeaways is they are cautionary tales on money management, and if there is one thing most of those people have in common with where T-Pain appears to be now is real peace is when you feel like there is no need to prove anything to anyone other than yourself and your loved ones.
2. Your Looks Don’t Consume You
OK, so when I say that your looks shouldn't consume you, I don't mean that you shouldn't take pride in your appearance. What comes to mind here is a Scripture and an article. Let's go with the Scripture first. A portion of I Peter 3:3(NKJV) says, "Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—rather let it be the hidden person of the heart…" The emphasis here is on the word "merely". "Merely" means that how we look on the outside should not consume us to the point that our character isn't more important. This ties in really well with the article I was referring to. In spring of 2018, Harper's Bazaar published "The Challenges of Raising a Black Girl to Feel Beautiful". In it, the author said that a psychologist by the name of Dr. Shefali Tsabary once said, "the best thing a mother can do is be her most empowered, authentic self." Amen.
A woman who is truly at peace with herself enjoys a nice pair of shoes and has no problem pampering her appearance. But what she's going to spend even more time on is thriving in her purpose, taking care of her responsibilities and becoming the kind of individual who is known for her inward beauty far more than how she looks on the outside. She doesn't have time to constantly stand in the mirror; her "life plate" is way too full for that.
3. You Prefer Peace Over Always Being Right
I try my best to always give credit where credit is due and, one of the best things that Dr. Phil has ever said (at least to me) is, "Would you rather be happy or right?" If I could tweak that, my question would be "Do you have to know everything, or would you rather have peace in your relationships?"
Last year, I penned a piece on here entitled "I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work". It was in reference to a girlfriend whose husband, while he isn't this way all of the time, if he wants to be right about something, he turns into the most condescending, patronizing and disrespectful person I have ever met. I'm talking, you're gonna get a barrage of emails with links proving his point, he's going to over-talk you, and even hurl insults if necessary (one time, he said to me, "Go back to your irrelevant blogging that no one reads" after I "won" a debate). He typically apologizes within a 24-hour period, but yeah, when he gets in that zone, he does the absolute most.
Here's the thing about him, though. One time, he got me so mad that we were in a screaming match on the patio of a restaurant. After that, I realized "This man is getting me out of myself. And for what?" Ever since then, while he can still show his tail sometimes, what I've come to accept is, wow, it must be mad draining for him to live with himself; to be so obsessed with always being right—to be that afraid of being wrong—that folks find themselves not even wanting to be around him.
In that headspace, these days, whenever he says something that either I don't agree with or I know is pretty close to asinine, I think about the fact that I'm not gonna win a million dollars for expressing my opinion or for proving him wrong, so why not just let him rant and keep my inner peace? It's a woosah like no other to want peace over the need to be right—when you are confident enough in yourself that you don't need someone else to co-sign on your thoughts or for them to validate the knowledge that you already know that you have.
4. You Repel Drama at All Costs
Something that used to get me in a lot of trouble is gravitating to people who are funny and dramatic. On one hand, their humor and impeccable timing would keep me in stitches. On the other, they had such an impulsive and immature way of handling issues and conflict that everything was a soap opera. Yes, they were bona fide drama queens (or kings). What are some signs of this type of person? They always need to be the center of attention; they tend to always put emotion even over common sense; they can't take what they dish out; they are uber-passive aggressive; they overreact about…shoot, what don't they overreact about?; they're very picky, hypercritical and they typically act before they think (and that's just the tip of the iceberg).
If you read all of that and felt exhausted just thinking about those traits, you're someone who probably does everything that you possibly can to avoid this type of individual. I get it too because one thing that peace means is tranquility and a tranquil state comes with no commotion, quiet and calm. When you're at peace with yourself, you'll let a "fun person" go, if it means not having to deal with the drama that follows them.
5. You Are Gracious and Grateful
I was born with a natural bass in my voice. God made me that way and I'm fine with it. However, I will say that I find it interesting that, the more peaceful I am with myself, the "less loud" I tend to be (funny how that works, huh?). At the same time, I've got a girlfriend who is so soft-spoken that, even a decade into our friendship, not one phone call happens when I don't have to ask her to speak up. I'll admit that I find there to be something really sexy about that because, it's not that she can't amplify her voice (or tone); she simply chooses not to. When I've asked her why, she says it's because she doesn't feel the need to "turn up" to be seen or heard.
When it comes to her resolve, the first word that comes to mind is "feminine". The second is "gracious". When you are standing in your power to the point that you don't have to yell and scream for people to acknowledge it, there is something very elegant and easy about mindset.
Something else that I like about my friend is she's very polite. She's always going to say "please" and "thank you". Also, she's a joy to do things for because she always has such a beautiful sense of gratitude. She does her best to take nothing and no one for granted, and that kind of person is always someone you want to look out for. Yep, when you can be gracious and grateful, you have a true peace within you.
6. You Do Not Feel the Need to Control Others
As a control freak in recovery, I'm a firm believer that about 98.9 percent of controlling people know that they are this way. I also believe that peace is one of the furthest things that they have going for them. Just think about it. If you're a perfectionist; if you micro-manage; if everything has to go your way all of the time; if you're always criticizing someone—how are you ever able to calm down and relax?
Again, as someone who has recovered, in many ways, when it comes to this, what I have learned is the main person a control freak tends to not have under control is themselves (because another trait of control freaks is moodiness). But the more they focus on finding balance, which creates peace, within their own lives, the less they need to be control of what's going on outside of them.
Why? Because they know that all they can control is themselves. Not only that, but they put boundaries in place so that there is no need to control other individuals. And you know what? There really isn't.
7. You Prefer to Be Respected Instead of Liked
Companies that I have written for, know that I only really have two requests—make sure to list my pen name as "Shellie R. Warren" and make sure that payments come on time (umm, since my content comes on time). On the name tip, there are some people who will leave out the "R" and even misspell Shellie (no "y" or "ey" in my case) or worse, I'll have editors who will address me as "Shirley". Then, when I correct them, they think I am "doing the most".
Apparently, I'm not the only one with name drama. I recently watched a video about how to pronounce certain celebrity names properly. Rihanna has told us that it is "Ree-anna (like anna not ah-na). Chrissy Teigen has told us that her last name is "Tie-gen" not "Tee-gen". Amandla Stenberg does indeed have an "L" in her first name (it's not Amanda). Addressing someone, even when it comes to their name, properly is a sign of respect. People who are at peace with themselves, they require respect. Even more so than being liked.
Why? Because inner peace is tied into self-esteem and self-awareness. The more you evolve in both of these areas, the more you come to accept that people liking you will change—time changes things, circumstances change things and plus, some people are fickle AF. But it doesn't matter what the dynamics are, there is no reason why you should be disrespected. Peaceful people tend to be on the, "Shoot, I like myself, so I don't need a ton of others to like me. I'm not gonna allow you to treat me any ole' kind of way, though." This includes how you address them. And good for them for being that way.
8. You Don’t Need Everyone to Understand, Like or Agree with You
It's funny because, as I was sitting down to pen this, I took a break to see what was happening in YouTube world. The stories that came up in my suggestion feed are ones that I feel are totally worth your time. One was about a Black curvy girl who was shopping for a bridal gown at a shop that specializes in plus-size brides; one that was founded by a Black woman and has the dopest energy. Another story was about a super-inspiring Black woman who cooks and even puts on eyelashes with her feet (she was born without arms). Another featured Aevin Dugas. If you don't know her, she holds the record for having the largest Afro.
As I was listening to everyone share their own insights and perspectives, the thing that I felt they all had in common was how at peace they were. Kareen, the woman shopping for a dress, was looking for a dress that would, not hide, but would hug her every curve. Kashmiere, the woman with no arms has her own YouTube channel, alongside her man. And while some of us are struggle with even going (or staying) natural, Aevin's Afro is four feet tall and four feet wide.
I find these women to be super-inspiring, but I'm willing to bet that not everyone in their world—and especially not everyone they come into contact with—agrees with how they choose to approach life. While some days may be more challenging than others, it is very evident that, at least for the most part, all three of these ladies are at peace because obstacles nor opinions are standing in their way. If we "get" them cool. If not, kindly move out of their way. All of us should take this same approach, don't you think?
9. You Make Rest a Top Priority
I'm gonna share with you some synonyms for peace. Tell me if they don't automatically put you in a relaxed state of mind—harmony, bliss, calm, quiet, stillness and serenity. People who are at peace with themselves tend to have a home that embodies these words, they use scents that embody these words, and they make it a point and practice to participate in the kind of things that embody these words too. They meditate. They unplug to enjoy quiet time. They take vacations. One day a week is reserved for pampering. In other words, they rest—without excuses, reservations or apologies.
Personally, I always think there is something up with people who always have to be doing something. I mean, no matter what, they can't just chill out and be still. It might be the marriage life coach in me, but I always wonder if they're afraid to be alone with their own thoughts. People who are peaceful aren't. In fact, they relish in having the time and space to ponder, reflect and then, after doing so, to rest. Sleep and all.
10. You Know How to Stay in the Moment. Each and Every Moment.
Deepak Chopra once said, "Life gives you plenty of time to do whatever you want to do if you stay in the present moment." Out of all of the stuff that I shared, one of the absolute best ways to know that you are at peace with yourself, is you're not constantly dwelling on your past and you're certainly not fretting about your future either. There's a Scripture in the Bible that says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34—NKJV) There's another that says, "Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit'; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow…" (James 4:13-14—NKJV).
Are these verses encouraging irresponsibility or a lack of planning? No. What they are conveying is saying is if you stay in the moment, it keeps you calm, it encourages you to be grateful and it gives you an unbelievable amount of peace. And with inner peace, you can accomplish—and conquer—just about anything that comes your way. (Funny how that works, huh?)
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Protect Your Peace With This Sage Life Advice
Don't Kill My Vibe: 4 Ways To Keep Your Inner Peace In Any Environment
What It Means To Find True Self-Love
How Pursuing God Taught Me Self-Love
Feature image by Shutterstock
Originally published on August 25, 2019
- How To Be Honest With Yourself, Self-Honesty - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 5 Daily Steps To Protect Your Peace - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images