Can we go to Church on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, ladies? I mean, let's really fellowship and make an attempt to get real about something we may not often talk about.
I'm willing to bet that even if you didn't necessarily "grow up" in the church, there was at least one bible in your home as a child. Whether it belonged to your grandmother or you're not really sure where it came from, many Black women can say that there was at least one copy of the Good Book in their home growing up.
Historically, black people used Christianity as a refuge from the atrocities that have been committed against them over the years. But along with teachings of morality and grace that the church has to offer, comes a lot of worldly theology that is not at all of God. Church is (or should be) a place of love that can give you the boost you need to get through the next seven days, but it can also sometimes be riddled with gossip, greed, scrutiny, and scandal.
In a recent episode of The Real, Adrienne Houghton revealed that she had encountered many of those things firsthand. Recently, the TV host attended the 2019 Daytime Emmy Awards and got a multitude of backlash from the religious community for wearing clothes that were too revealing. According to some sanctified spectators, a woman of God should dress more conservatively. Adrienne explained that at times, her critics have made her more self-conscious about her image and sometimes dictates how she chooses her clothes.
"I'm not gonna front, I try even now to be conscious of it. Jeannie [Mai] gets mad at me she tells me don't change who you are. But I am conscious of it, not so much for myself but for my husband. Y'all can talk all you want about me, but you're not gonna talk about him."
Meagan Good stopped by D.L. Hughley's show and echoed this sentiment, saying that she doesn't always go to church with her husband, Devon Franklin because she sometimes feels ostracized by the church for her onscreen work. In a conversation about Meagan's comments, fellow hosts of The Real asked Adrienne how she copes with the scrutiny she often receives due to her marriage to Israel Houghton. She explained:
"I get it pretty bad. I take that and I never complain about it because, at the end of the day, I'm not here for you, I'm here for Jesus. And I feel God's love every day in my like And people don't realize, Church is like a hospital. It's for the broken people, it's not for the ones who are already saved."
Adrienne had this message for her critics:
"We need Jesus, so instead of pushing us away, you should accept us with open arms. If you see somebody doing something wrong, be an example of God's love. They say come as you are, but do you make people feel that way?"
She explained that although like Meagan, she's had a few negative encounters, she won't let those experiences define her relationship with God or with the church as a whole. The church should be an institution where you can go to give and get love, as well as deepen our connection with God. Unfortunately, sometimes Sister Shirley is too busy worrying about what you're wearing for anybody to really get a word.
Adrienne says that instead of being the type of Christian that's hypercritical of everything and everyone that doesn't fit our belief system, we should try another route: empathy.
"Let people have their own conviction. Maybe be quiet and pray for them. And again, if you feel I've done something wrong, pray for me. And maybe God will speak to me and maybe make me recognize where I'm wrong. But that's again, for me and Christ to have that conversation, not for you."
For women who do feel judged and isolated in your current church environment, maybe it's time to move around, sis. Just because that's your grandmother's church, doesn't mean you have to stay a member. Adrienne says the key to fixing your relationship with religion is in finding a church home that feels most comfortable to YOU.
"I have found places and churches and incredible people that actually don't just call themselves Christians, but they are Christ-like in the way that they love people. I'm grateful for that, I also don't make excuses for myself. I'm not perfect and I still have ways to go in my walk with Christ."
To watch the full clip, click here!
PART TWO: Meagan Good on Why She Goes to Church Less Frequently www.youtube.com
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
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Unmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
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Okay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
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If off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
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A friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
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It’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
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I once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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