Been about three years since I dated you,
Why you still talking 'bout me like we together?
This is an open letter to any and all exes of mine: Unless you're speaking out of love, do your best to keep my name out your mouth. I am appreciative of the time we spent together and I'll never forget the lessons you taught me, but just because I loved you at one point, it doesn't give you the right to use your voice to dictate what I do in the present.
You don't own me, homie.
Although I've grown quite jaded of reality TV drama, a recent clip from an episode of Love & Hip Hop: New York featuring Safaree and hip-hop's angry uncle, Joe Budden, caught my eye. It was revealed previously that Safaree was in a "secret" relationship with Erica Mena, who in the past, had been involved with Cyn Santana (Joe's fiancee). When Joe and Cyn discovered that Safaree had invited Erica to the resort, all hell broke loose.
In a heated discussion centered around the "bro code," Joe confronted Safaree for bringing who he said was his "girl's old work" on their Costa Rica vacation without telling him first. Joe told his frenemy that a simple text would have allowed him to "dictate his household accordingly." Joe ranted:
"When you're running round with homegirl, have a f–king blast my ni–a. But when it's in close proximity to my family, it's a security breach. I don't play family games!"
Joe alleged that his anger came out of his concern for his wife's safety, but after doing some further research, I learned that wasn't the case. After Cyn and Erica's explosive breakup in 2015, Cyn, Joe, and Erica reunited for a picture like everything was all good in 2017. Erica even expressed how happy she was for the then-expecting parents. So what was Joe's real problem?
In the heat of the moment, Safaree tried to explain himself:
"It's my business and nobody's seeing her."
Which, although I'd never blindside my bestie, is true. Why would a grown man need permission from anyone to bring his girl on a vacation, even if it is just for some much-needed drama and publicity for his reality TV show? The breakdown in Joe and Safaree's apparently fragile friendship still didn't have my complete attention until Joe said this:
"Fam, if I'm putting d–k in Nicki Minaj and I fly her out here, ni–a, that's your business!"
Now, Joe. You'd do best to leave the Queen out of this.
And this is where my opinion comes full circle. Nicki has moved on and is living her best life, sis, why are you still associating her with Safaree? She is not his territory to be marked, and therefore, anything she's doing is NOT his, yours, or anyone else's business! I don't care how many times he put "d*ck in her."
Whether this drama was solely for TV or was actually a real dispute between best buddies, it shed some light on how some people feel they hold a claim on their exes, long after the breakup. Safaree may have been wrong for not being forthcoming with his homie, but in real life, nobody has the right to dictate where Erica lays her head or even who she shares a bed with.
Do your ex a favor: Get rid of those broken clocks and mind the business that pays you.
Watch the full clip below!
Featured photo by Instagram/ @iamerica_mena.
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The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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