Grief. Boy, if there is one thing that is layered, seasonally intense, and very personalized to each human being (meaning, no one can tell you when or how to grieve), grief would have to be it. And yet, live long enough and you’re bound to experience it — not just in one way either. Grief tends to come with the loss of a loved one. Grief tends to show up via the ending of a relationship (including a friendship). Grief shows up during various types of life transitions.
Grief even reveals itself as you are shedding pieces of who you are (in order to become who you need to be). And that is why I have always appreciated and even resonated with the quote by author Colin Murray Parkes about grief: “Grief is the price that we pay for love.”
Because here’s the thing — just as love has seasons and stages, so does, well, grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and what a lot of people don’t tell you is the stages can come in cycles and even overlap. It’s important that when this happens, you are both self-compassionate as well as hypervigilant when it comes to implementing self-care.
And that’s what moved me so about the lead video for this piece (see below), where Regina King (someone who I enjoy and appreciate on so many levels) is talking about where she currently is, in her own grief, almost three years after her son Ian’s passing. In her eyes, there is both sadness (a stage of grief) and resilience (a form of acceptance) and, to me, it serves as a reminder that through grief, we must nurture self. It is essential. It is paramount.
The article continues after the video.
If you are currently in the stage of grieving something or someone, here are 10 things that you can do, physically, to get through — not over but through — what you are currently experiencing. Because another quote that I honor about grief? “Sometimes the healing hurts more than the wound.” (Unknown)
Or, as my mother used to say, “Surgery hurts but it can also cure.” Amen.
1. Do Some Grief-Themed Meditations
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Meditation is something that we’re always gonna back over on this side of the internet because science gives us far too many reasons to. Over the years, research has proven that meditation reduces stress and anxiety, promotes self-awareness and a higher sense of self-worth and it can help you to become more compassionate while improving your quality of rest.
And when it comes to grief, specifically, by getting still enough to feel what you are going through (whatever stage of grief it may be), it can help you to understand what your present needs are, it can encourage you to be kinder and more patient with yourself and it can also reduce your chances of falling into depression. If you would like to tap into this more, check out Mindful’s “A 12-Minute Meditation for Grief and Loss” or go to YouTube and put “grief meditations” in the search field.
2. Use Essential Oils (That Make the Grieving Process Easier)
At this point, I’m really starting to wonder if there is anything that essential oils can’t do. I say that because, over the years, I’ve written articles like, “8 Essential Oils That Will Manifest (More Of) Your Feminine Energy” and “You'd Be Amazed How Much These 10 Essential Oils Can Give You Some Blissful Sleep” — and, believe it or not, there are even oils that can help to bring ease and comfort during the grieving process.
Some of those include lavender (it decreases anxiety); chamomile (it helps to balance your moods); sandalwood (it calms your senses); jasmine (it cultivates peace), and rosemary (it reduces your cortisol levels which basically means that it reduces stress).
To get the most out of these oils, you can either apply them to one of your pressure points, put them into a diffuser and add a couple of drops to your bedding for a more restful night’s sleep.
3. Spend More Time in Nature
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There is a chapter in the Bible that says there is a time and season for everything. If you read Ecclesiastes 3 all the way through, you will notice that there are times for death, crying, mourning and losing — it’s all a part of life. And perhaps the reason why nature can help us to get through those things is because it literally goes through seasons of transition; it’s not summer all of the time and it’s not winter all of the time either.
Aside from the “poetic” insights that nature can provide, the American Psychological Association says that doing something as simple as taking a walk outdoors can lower your stress levels, help you to feel happier and it can boost your cognitive abilities. In fact, if you want to bring some nature indoors, plants have a way of also reducing your stress levels and making you physically feel better (since they help to keep indoor pollution down to a minimum).
4. Limit Your Alcohol Intake
It’s not uncommon that, when some people are going through certain stages of grief, they will drink alcohol more often than they usually do. The challenge with that is, although it may feel like an initial stimulant, it’s actually a depressant; this means that it can slow down your brain and make you feel calm at first while also blurring your vision, impairing your judgment and causing you to feel disoriented in the process.
The roller coaster ride of what alcohol can do is why it’s not a good idea to consume a lot of it if you are going through an intense grieving process. Because here’s the thing — it’s not as difficult to develop a dependency on alcohol as you might think; especially if you have a family history of alcoholism or you’ve relied on it as a way to cope with stress or pressures in the past.
5. Up Your Vitamin B, C and Magnesium Doses
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It’s pretty understandable that while you are grieving, you may not have much of an appetite; that’s why it’s important to take supplements in order to get certain nutrients into your system. For instance, B-vitamins help to reduce stress, anxiety and feelings related to depression; vitamin C will strengthen your immunity (because the last thing that you want to be is sick when you’re grieving) and, to keep your cortisol (stress hormone) levels in check, magnesium will help to stabilize your moods.
By the way — foods that are high in “B” include spinach, eggs and beef; foods that are filled with Vitamin C include citrus fruit, berries and yellow peppers, and foods that are packed with magnesium include whole grains, avocados and cashews.
6. Get More Hugs
Not too long ago, I stumbled across an article entitled, “A Hug Only Takes 10 Seconds, Yet the Benefits Last Forever” and it really is true. For one thing, hugs are a physical expression of sympathy, compassion and even empathy — and all of that can help to decrease your stress levels, reduce feelings of fear (yes, literally) and lower experiences of (mild) physical pain and discomfort that you might have. Also, hugs can make it easier for you to express whatever you may be currently going through to other people.
In fact, some therapists say that we need multiple hugs a day, whether we are feeling low/need an extra layer of support or not. How many exactly? Popular therapist Virginia Satir believes this: “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” So, even if you think that you don’t feel like receiving physical affection, be open to it. A hug can do what all of these other tips simply…can’t.
7. Make Plans for Special Days (That Are Connected to Your Grief)
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Ask anyone who has lost someone close to them (whether it was through death, a break-up or life-altering transition of a relationship…of any kind) and they will probably tell you that holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are oftentimes the hardest days to get through. To this, I say, make a point to do something special — whether grand or small — on those days instead of dreading them.
When it comes to my late fiancé, he will have been gone 30 years this November 3. Every year, I will get his favorite Checker’s meal (that man ate Checker’s and pizza more than anything else; it was wild!) and listen to some of his favorite music (The Roots, Biggie, D’Angelo, Faith Evans and Groove Theory…for starters; he used to intern where he would get early releases of things and it was awesome). It always puts a smile on my face to do so because it reminds me that love doesn’t die…it shifts forms.
8. Try a Grief Journal and/or Grief Therapy
So, here’s the thing about journaling — if writing isn’t really your thing (or grieving currently has you feeling pretty close to exhausted most of the time), you can always pull out your phone and record some voice notes. Just remember that there is plenty of research which supports that journaling (of any kind) can help to relieve anxiety, reduce stress and help you to face whatever you are feeling head-on. A bonus? If you journal consistently, it can help you to document the progress that you are making through your feelings and stages of grieving.
The same thing can be said for grief therapy; especially since grief therapists/counselors/life coaches are trained to help you get through whatever season of grief that you might be going through.
And what are some clear indicators that you might need some extra assistance with your grief? You are experiencing suicidal ideations. You seem “stuck” in a stage (especially if it is sadness or anger). You don’t have any reliable support (meaning, you feel like you are dealing with everything that you are going through on your own). You are participating in (potentially) destructive habits or acts of self-sabotage. Your grief is affecting your quality of life (long-term). If any of these apply, please let someone know. There is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Again, grief comes to us all.
9. Add More “Comfort” to Your Bedding
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Personally, I’m a believer when it comes to color psychology (check out “Understanding Color Psychology Will Sharpen Your Lens On Life” and “This Is How Color Psychology Can Significantly Improve Your Sex Life”) and that is why I definitely think that when you are going through the grieving process, you should consider upgrading/updating your bedding. Since sleep is probably already a challenge for you (because grief elevates stress and stress is tied to restlessness and insomnia), sometimes a change of scenery in your bedroom can feel comforting.
First up, go with colors that cultivate feelings of happiness and security like shades of blue, orange, pink, yellow and green. Invest in a(nother) down or down alternative comforter. Surround yourself with, what I call “stuffed animals for adults” — tons of pillows; they can provide comfort and a sense of protection at night. You need to feel nuzzled in comfort at night — new bedding can help to make that happen.
10. Put Yourself on a Sleep Schedule
As you’re going through the various stages of grief (sometimes more than once), I actually read before that an acute level of it can take somewhere around a year before you settle into a new normal. During that time, your heart rate might randomly speed up, you may experience joint discomfort and headaches, concentrating could prove to be challenging, you might catch colds quicker and easier — and yes, all of this can lead to really struggling with getting to sleep.
Something that can help with this is putting yourself on a sleep schedule. By creating (and maintaining) a sleep schedule for yourself, that can place your circadian rhythm (the 24-hour cycle that helps you to get the kind of sleep that you need) into a routine that can make it easier for you to not only fall asleep but stay asleep — and the more rest you have, the easier it will be to face the grief cycles that you are going through. For other tips on how to get the quality of sleep that you both need and deserve, check out “These Sleep Hacks Will Make Getting A Good Night’s Rest So Much Easier.”
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Artist Yumi Sakugawa once said, “Sometimes it’s okay if the only thing you did today was breathe.” When you’re walking through grief, please take this especially to heart.
And listen, if you apply even one of these tips to your breathing, pat yourself on the back. You are showing signs of wanting to get through the grief — and that makes you stronger than you will ever know.
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Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
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Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
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Not to mention the fact that so many folks literally don’t read (you know, past skimming) anymore — and yes, I have stats to prove it. I recently read that back in 2022, reportedly, a little over 48 percent of people read one book over the course of that entire year (that is not a good thing and proves that book reading is on a steady decline). Meanwhile, the amount of time that is spent on social media: 2.5 hours on a daily basis. That’s 150 minutes of listening to folks just say…whatever. And if you listen to it long enough, you could actually start believing it as gospel.
This includes what I am going to touch on today: the belief that if someone really cares about you, they should constantly reassure you. Y’all damn near are gonna have me join the world of social media again, just to address this one fallacy. For now, though, I’ll settle for making some points via this article — because as you can see from the title, I don’t agree with that conclusion at all.
In fact, I personally believe that thinking this way is a pretty big relational orange — if not red — flag.
Reassurance. And What It Does for a Child.
GiphyIf you’ve read enough of my content, you know that I am big on word definitions — and when it comes to the word “reassurance,” the meaning alone explains why this article has the title that it does:
Reassurance: something, such as information, praise, or an action or gesture, that soothes, comforts, or restores to confidence
Reassurance restores confidence. Bookmark that, please. I will certainly circle back to that point before I am done.
Okay, so when it comes to, say a child, there is absolutely a place for reassurance. That’s because they are still in the process of significant self-development and so they need reassurance in order to feel safe, secure and loved. It’s also a way for them to establish trust in others.
However, did you know that many mental health experts say that if a child deals with, say anxiety, constant reassurance can actually be counterproductive because they can start to rely on external validation to emotionally stabilize them instead of learning how to remain calm and relaxed on their own (yeah, bookmark that too)? Some other ways that constant reassurance can become potentially problematic is it can cause kids to create problems that don’t exist, to overthink and to jump to the wrong conclusions (hmm…very interesting).
And so, already, we’re seeing something pretty interesting, right? Although reassurance has its place, too much of it, even for kids, typically ends up doing more harm than good.
Let’s keep building.
How 'Lack' As a Child Can Manifest As an Adult
GiphyOkay, so we just touched on how constant reassurance can be counterproductive for an anxious child. Now what about when that child grows up? If they never learned how to properly and effectively deal with their anxiety, what then? Well, this is where attachment styles can very easily come into play — especially since one of them is literally called “anxious attachment style.”
Anxious attachment style is rooted in insecurity. It typically stems from experiencing the type of dysfunctional upbringing that resulted in one or both parents being unpredictable or inconsistent in their caregiving approach and techniques. As a result, the child deals with things like fear of abandonment or rejection and, without healing from that, they become an adult who is pretty much the exact same way.
In relationships, it can manifest in them being extra clingy, codependent, super jealous, controlling or — catch it — someone who is always looking for validation and reassurance.
Hmph. Did you catch that? Did you really catch that? Needing constant reassurance in a relationship IS NOT something that should automatically come with a relationship. In fact, if you’re someone who has this type of need or even expectation, there’s a really good chance that what you actually need is therapy — not for your partner to work harder to make you feel better about yourself or the relationship.
Which brings me to my next point.
Relationships Can Be Therapeutic. They Aren’t Therapy, Though.
GiphySomething that some of my clients will tell you that they’ve heard me say, more than once I might add is, “PARENT and PARTNER are not palindromes.” A palindrome is a word (line, sentence, etc.) that is the same whether it is spelled backwards or forwards — and while, of course, parent and partner couldn’t qualify as being that, what I mean is there are far too many people who think that partners should pick up where parents left off and/or dropped the ball — and that is a super unhealthy approach to relationships. Come to think of it, not only is it unhealthy but really unfair as well.
This is exactly why I’m not big on phrases like “the princess treatment” in adult relationships. A princess is the daughter of a king while a queen is the wife of one. For a grown woman to expect a man to do what a father did for her as a child without accepting that as an adult, there are far more responsibilities as a wife that comes into play? Yep, that is toxic thinking.
And you know what? So is expecting your partner to overcompensate for where your father and/or mother didn’t show up in the way that they should have. That is not your partner’s fault, their role or their assignment while dating you. If you feel otherwise, it really is time to speak with a professional who can help you to do a bit of “reprogramming” in your thinking because, for you to feel and/or assume that since your parents didn’t make you feel confident and secure or teach you how to value yourself, your partner should work overtime to make up for it? There is not one thing that is healthy, mature or emotionally solid about having that type of mindset.
And that is why I am also good for saying that, although relationships can be therapeutic (healing), they should never EVER be seen as therapy. Therapists are trained to deal with the mental and emotional challenges that people have. On the other hand, no one should expect their partner to have the knowledge and expertise that professionals do — and while we’re here, partners also shouldn’t trust that someone who needs the assistance of a therapist to become whole (again) would know exactly what steps are required for that to happen.
So yeah, if you’re someone who thinks that being loved means that someone needs to constantly make you feel good about yourself or secure in the relationship — you probably do have an anxious attachment style. See a professional to get that confirmed, though. Because no one should have to make you feel valued or worthy. That is an inside job.
And this brings me to my final point.
It’s Not Fair to Want Someone to Love You More than You Do
GiphyFor this last point, something that Christ once said immediately comes to mind:
“No one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment; for the patch pulls away from the garment, and the tear is made worse. Nor do they put new wine into old wineskins, or else the wineskins break, the wine is spilled, and the wineskins are ruined. But they put new wine into new wineskins, and both are preserved.” (Matthew 9:16-18 — NKJV)
A lot of times, Christ spoke in parables because it was easier for people to get where he was coming from (Matthew 13:13). Anyway, along these lines, what would be the point in pouring a liquid into a bottle that has a hole in it? It’s not built to contain and maintain the fluid and so, no matter how delicious the drink may be, no matter how many times it’s poured into the bottle, the bottle is never going to remain full — because it has cracks in it.
BOOKMARK THAT.
My fourth baby’s daddy (check out “Why I Named The Children I Aborted”), while we were in the process of our “exit interview” (which is what I choose to call it) of our dynamic, he said something that has always stayed with me: “Shellie, your biggest problem is you receive compliments are revelations when they should be seen as confirmations.” Hmph. The irony of HIM saying that is kind of a trip and yet, at the time when we were experiencing each other, he was exactly right. I should’ve never had such a low sense of self-worth that whatever a man said to me had me so in awe that I either felt extremely grateful or became super addicted to his validation.
And y’all, that is exactly what needing constant reassurance looks like — because why does someone need to keep telling you that you are beautiful, keep saying that you are wonderful, keep letting you know that they want to be with you — keep restoring your confidence in yourself and in your relationship with them?
In other words, why should they work harder at making you feel good about yourself and solid in your relationship than you are willing to? Isn’t that just like pouring liquid into a broken bottle?
There is someone in my family tree who I had to distance myself from because he kept venting to me about his marriage and the fact that his wife was just like this. Sadly, it was never (and I do mean NEVER) enough that he chose her — whenever she felt some type of way about herself, here she came looking for him to fill her voids. After a couple of years of the nonstop needs for reassurance, he was worn out from doing it and I was exhausted from hearing about it. He was too scared to call her out and she was too unaccountable to get the real help that she needed. Whew. Toxic on top of toxic.
So Shellie, what are you saying — that we shouldn’t expect compliments, affirmations, support and encouragement in our relationships? Chile, if that is what you got out of this, you are choosing to think that way because that couldn’t be further from where I am coming from.
Again, you’ve got to remember what reassurance means: it’s about restoring confidence. A compliment is “an expression of praise, commendation, or admiration” yet if you already know that you are pretty, smart, funny, whatever, someone telling you that isn’t “building your confidence;” it’s cosigning on something that you are already aware of. Encouragement is about inspiring or stimulating someone and so yes, of course, the right partner is going to want to see you win in life and so they are going to offer up influence and motivation to help you — but what if they aren’t there?
Shouldn’t you be able to encourage yourself? ABSOLUTELY. However, expecting them to restore your confidence due to things that have nothing to do with them or because you simply lack self-confidence? That is not how relationships are to go. If you aren’t sure of yourself (which is a foundational definition of confident), get to the root of why and then figure what you need to do to become sure — that way, your partner doesn’t have to constantly “fill you up;” actually, what they do will be surplus instead of void-filling because your “bottle” will be unbroken.
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I’m telling you, if you pay attention to the relationship side of socials, at least twice a day, someone will talk about how they think that a relationship should entail receiving constant reassurance. Lies on top of lies. No one should think that love means trying to make someone else feel sure about themselves because they don’t know how to do so on their own.
And this is why I say that expecting constant reassurance is an orange, if not red, flag.
Because when you already feel good about yourself, there is no need.
And if you don’t, figuring out how to is an inside job — FIRST.
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