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Even now, as a grown woman, the role doesn’t fully turn off. The habits remain: I show up when I’m exhausted. I give even when I’m on empty. I manage needs, anticipate moods, stretch myself to be enough—for everyone.
And lately, I’ve found myself asking: When is it my turn to be held?
@tohpazzz #eldestdaughter
I believe in marriage. Deeply. I’ve seen it up close—my parents have been married for 31 years. They’ve shown me the beauty of commitment, the sacred dance of sticking with someone through the highs and lows. But even with that example, I can’t help but ask: can I be a supportive wife and mother without losing myself in the process?
The truth is, eldest daughter syndrome doesn’t disappear when you become an adult. It travels. It seeps into your work ethic, your friendships, your faith, your dreams—and your view of partnership. We learn to lead, but often don’t learn how to be led. We learn to give, but not how to receive without guilt. We pour into others, but forget to ask if anyone has poured into us.
That’s why I’ve been intentional about preparing for love—not just the wedding, but the life after “I do.” I’m preparing not with Pinterest boards and color schemes, but with boundaries, therapy, and truth-telling. I’m learning to:
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I’ve realized that the version of me who always had to manage, anticipate, perform—that version doesn’t have to run the show anymore. I’m learning to believe I can be loved without being needed. I can be chosen without being essential to someone’s survival. I can build a home with someone, not for someone.
In a world that often celebrates hyper-independence and self-preservation, I still want partnership. Not as an escape, but as an extension of the life I’m already cultivating. And yes, it’s scary to think about giving parts of myself to someone else. It’s scary to think about showing up when I’m tired. But it’s scarier to imagine never allowing myself to be fully seen, fully loved, fully supported.
To the women who feel this too, you are not alone. You’re not wrong for wanting both. You’re not selfish for dreaming of a life where you’re a present, loving wife and mother and a woman with her own breath, voice, and rhythm. Balance may not always look perfect. But preparation? That’s sacred work.
We don’t have to bring the full weight of ourselves into our next chapter. We can lay some of it down. We can walk lighter. We can partner with someone who sees our capacity—and also sees our humanity.
And when the time comes, I won’t enter marriage as a martyr, but as a woman who knows her worth. I’m becoming her every day. She—the version of me who is whole, ready, and free—is worth the wait.
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