What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
For those of you who are college graduates, what I'm about to share may serve as a walk down memory lane. And for those who are about to go (or are currently enrolled), please take it as a bit of a cautionary tale.
Whenever the topic of college, as it specifically relates to sex ever comes up, I usually say that it reminds me of really wack free hotel situation. In most cases, there's barely any dating going on. Typically, you like some guy and he likes you (and I even use "like" loosely), then either after getting tipsy at some party or talking for a couple of hours on the phone, one of you walks over to the other's dorm, has sex and probably doesn't even spend the night.
Lordy, lord. Although I took heed to some wise advice my freshman year (something along the lines of avoid having sex on the yard as much as possible), minus my late fiancé, I had three other partners while I was in school. For one guy, in particular, I walked clear across campus, 80 percent of the time, to get it on with him. Right. He didn't even come pick me up (and yes, he had a car). One of my male besties (to this day)? There was a chick who used to call him and (get this) plead to come over and give him fellatio. Sometimes I'd be in his room and he'd literally say, "OK, but hurry up because I've got plans later." SMDH.
College sex, boy. All that freedom yet oftentimes not enough self-esteem or self-awareness to know what to do with it.
Thankfully, God willing, you start to live a little more life and your standards and expectations begin to shift—greatly so. Now that I am in my mid-40s, I can promise you this: The trash talking, quickie sex and low bars that I used to settle for aren't even a bleep on my radar. My fellow Black sistahs, please hear me and hear me good. Whether you're in your early 20s, my age or older, allow me a moment to share with you the kind of sex you should always expect—with no hesitations or apologies; the kind of qualities that grown women have learned to fully and consistently expect.
Passionate
I'm a passionate person. Unapologetically so. And if there's one thing that was a total non-negotiable back when I was gettin' some (click here to read about where I'm currently at on the sex tip), it's that my partner had to be passionate too. Personally, I prefer a man to be that way across the board, but since we're talking about sex right now—deep kisses, face holding, verbally expressive…intense, erotic and even lust-filled in the sense of having a strong sexual appetite and being extremely enthusiastic (almost as if it's the first time) every time we're together. Whew chile. Grown women know exactly what I talk about. A passionate lover rarely disappoints. That's why this trait tops the list.
Creative
I'm a Gemini and if you know anything about us, you know that a signature trait is we tend to get bored fairly easily; that's why a lot of us are able to thrive and succeed in a creative space. But I think that when it comes to sex, all grown women would agree that a man who approaches it from the headspace of being originative and inspired is the kind of man who not only catches but keeps our attention.
You know what I'm talkin' about. A man who wants to try new positions. A man who initiates exploring the less sought-after erogenous zones. A man who doesn't settle for how good sex was the last time; that's in the past. He is all about outdoing himself the next time. A creative man doesn't have to be the biggest or even the best ever. The mere fact that he constantly seeks to bring something new and sexy to the table makes him a winner in a grown woman's book.
Fulfilling
Back when I was in college, there's a guy that I used to fantasize about all of the time. He was a deep dark chocolate. His body was muscular perfection. His smile was radiant. Oh, that man was fine. Little did I know that he had an interest in me too and so, after about four semesters, we decided to hook up. Unfortunately, what I created in my mind isn't what went down. He was so busy trying to show off all of his tricks that I felt like he was trying to turn me into his handy little contortionist than actually checking to see if I was enjoying the sex or not.
I was in my early 20s at the time, so I didn't stop him to tell him how wack he was. But bae-bay, let a man try that foolishness now and see what happens. I don't care how much a man thinks he knows about sex or has decided in his mind that he's blowing my mind, if I'm not satisfied by the experience, I am not impressed nor appreciative.
Grown women want to be fulfilled. Not once in a while. Constantly. In order for that to happen, a man has to be interested in what we want; not just willing to give what he thinks we will like. Oh, and if he's grown too, he won't want us to fake it to please his ego. If the climaxes ain't real, he'll keep trying until they are.
Emotionally Mature
Emotional maturity is such an attractive trait when it's applied in any room of the house. But the way that it translates into bedroom action is emotionally mature people act responsibly (they use birth control); they are flexible (they're open to exploring new things that they wouldn't normally consider on their own); they are non-judgmental (about their partner's sexual past); they take a realistic approach to things (sex doesn't look like it does in the movies; it takes time to feel and figure your partner out) and they know that there's more to a healthy relationship than off-the-charts sex. Therefore, when they aren't getting everything they want outside of the bedroom, they are (yep) emotionally mature enough to let the sex go.
Reciprocal
"Reciprocal" is such a great word. It means mutual. It means matching. It means equivalent. It means complementary. It means give-and-take. When you have a partner who reciprocates the energy, effort and time that you're putting into sex, it's hard to imagine it not being good. Shoot, better than that. A reciprocating partner is not comfortable with only gettin' theirs. They don't want you to be the only one who initiates, comes up with creative things to do or shows how romantic sex can be. If you take things up a notch, they are gonna try to outdo you in the very best ways possible because the last thing they want you to get out of bed thinking to yourself is, "I can think of at least 10 other things that would've satisfied me more than this guy."
When you're young, sometimes all you care about is size and maybe technique. When you're older, while those factor in, when you're able to find a man who is consumed with familiarizing himself with your body and conforming himself to the point where, as India.Arie once sang in the song "Brown Skin", "I don't know where yours begins, I can't tell where mine ends"—that's when you know you've got a winner regardless.
(Fun fact about size: The most intense nerve endings in our vagina is in the first two inches of its opening and the average size of a man's erect penis is 5". So yeah, focus on the reciprocal more than a man's size. I'm fairly certain that you'll get better sex if you do.)
Consistent
It's no secret that Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original one that is about to premiere somewhat of a reboot soon) was one of my favorite shows back in the day. Sometimes, while I'm writing these articles, I'll catch some of the reruns that still come on. I remember that one time, Kelly was talking about the best kissers she's ever had. She told her friends that, "Colin wins for intensity and Brandon wins for consistency, but nothing is like that night at the cove with Dylan." (Sigh. RIP Luke Perry.) You know what's funny? While some of y'all would take Colin (intensity) or Dylan (most memorable), my ears perked up at Brandon!
Think about it for a sec. Would you prefer a man who makes you climb the walls on your birthday and Christmas or someone who made sure you had at least an 8 (on the orgasm scale of 1-10) climax each and every time?
I've been with men who I had a really great experience with, a couple of times (even though we had sex more than twice). I've also been with men who, I knew what I was getting each and every time, and while it might not be a "Dylan", it was definitely a "Brandon". I was gonna be pleased and it was gonna be good. Maybe not always an A+ night but never ever below a B. NOT. EVER. I am cool with that; especially the older that I get.
Private
For the record, private and sneaky are not the same thing. If you and your partner are sneaking around, it's probably because you have something to hide. Be careful. Although secrets can be quite seductive, sometimes they can come with consequences that you're not totally prepared for. Private, on the other hand, is about wanting certain things to be sacred. It's about not needing to always give a, pardon the pun, blow by blow, even to your closest friends. It's about being totally OK with intimacy being and remaining, well, intimate. It's about enjoying the fact that a part of what makes sex so special is that it's between you and your partner only. If you want to keep it that way, even outside of the bedroom (or wherever you do it), that's OK. Totally.
Grown women? If they are married, the only details you might get is the sly grin on their face whenever their husband's name comes up. If they are single, you might not even know they've been having sex…until after the relationship/situationship is over.
There's no real rhyme or reason really. You just weren't the one they were involved with. Simple as that.
REAL
Why did I decide to end this thing with the word "real"? It's because real things revolve around truth and facts. A grown woman doesn't factor in how she feels about her sex life and her sex partner without taking the truth and facts about the situation into total account. She looks at the truth of what she and he are feeling. She accepts the facts of what comes along with the sex acts that she participates in. She doesn't fake orgasms, she doesn't do what makes her feel uncomfortable and she also doesn't automatically think that just because the sex is great that the relationship is healthy. She even takes in the truth and facts when it comes to how physical intimacy affects the matters of the heart too.
A grown woman knows that real sex is the best sex and she doesn't settle for less.
Just like a grown woman should.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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ItGirl In Motion: Paige Shari Addison Shows Us Why She's The Hostess With The Mostess
Paige Shari Addison is the epitome of an ItGirl, which is why she is one of 100 ladies on xoNecole's inaugural ItGirl 100 list in partnership with Hyundai. Hailing from Atlanta, Georgia, Paige started her journey as a host in high school by hosting parties. Since then, she has made a career in hosting, from parties to big-name events, and she launched Strictly RNB, a platform for new artists and R&B lovers. Paige reflects on her creative path in the limited video series "ItGirl in Motion."
“My first curated event at Criminal Records was incredible. It was all for up-and-coming artists,” she says. “I needed a platform for us as a collective to be able to give ourselves the platform instead of asking for it, instead of looking for it. I was like, I want to make sure I let people get this experience that I would give as a performer but enjoy the experience with them. It was a dream come true.”
The Atlanta native also has her own line of acai bowls called Soulfull Bowls. She started it during the pandemic after events and parties shut down. But it was her love for eating acai bowls and the reactions others had to them that made her want to make it her next business move. Being open to creating new ventures in the midst of uncertainty is a bold move and one of the reasons why Paige has the “it” factor.
“Being an ItGirl means you’re just authentic. There’s an air to us. We have confidence that exudes from the way we speak, the way we put our lip gloss on, the way we walk, the way we talk. I show up as myself everytime I walk into a room. I’m hospitable, I make sure everybody’s good,” she says.
Get to know more about the hostess with the mostess in the video above.
See our ItGirl 100 list in full here. Click through the gallery below for some BTS moments of Paige and our partnership with Hyundai.
Director: Mikkoh @mikkoh
Production company: @polly___studio
Producer/AD: Samuel Cho @choboi90
Producer/Tech: Paul Nguyen @paul__winn
DP: Cristian Bernal @cristianbernal
Editor: @30inthemorning
2nd Cam: Paul Nguyen
1st AC: AJ Paug @ajpaug Gaffer: Dennis Albert @dennisalbert_
Audio Mixer: Victor Chavez @vic_the__
PA: Rick Carreno @ispeakrick
PA: Tiffany Do @tivani.doee
BTS Photo: Prime @theartofprime
Car Detail: @sud_studs @slugglobal
Creative Director @hellobosco
Team Lead @kevgumbo3000
Project Manager @zakk_jullot
Creative Producer @iamkingsheyla
Designers @miacolemxn @noelspiva
@xoNecole
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Talent Lead @kaylawalker
Feature image by Prime/ @theartof prime