How To Spend Your Birthday Alone & Still Feel Like A Queen
I have had quite a few disappointing birthdays over the years. Every time I planned a dinner or a get-together, I always seemed to be let down. Something unexpected would always happen that had me feeling some type of way. Friends canceled after they R.S.V.P.'d or there were arguments over the restaurant bill. I was even kicked out of my 23rd birthday party because one of my girlfriends' guests lacked V.I.P. etiquette at our joint birthday party. I just didn't feel seen or celebrated by the group of people I chose to be my friends at that time. To be fair though, in your twenties, what do you really know about true friendship? But still, I knew I deserved so much more.
After a while, my birthday became a day I didn't look forward to. I used fear of getting hurt or being disappointed as a guard. Honestly, I didn't start enjoying birthdays until my 27th birthday. I was in a new city, with a new group of friends, who made me feel more seen and appreciated than some of my lifelong friends I currently have. It wasn't until my 33rd birthday I decided to spend my birthday alone.
Celebrating my birthday alone was the most uncomfortable yet empowering thing I had ever done. Why didn't I think of doing this sooner? Now, every year I typically spend my birthday alone. It's not that I don't enjoy the company of my friends–I do. But over the years, I learned to enjoy my own company. I know that I could never let myself down. I know that I would not give myself less than I deserve. And sometimes, in the end, you have to be your own best friend. Word to Beyoncé, y'all. Sometimes, "me, myself, and I" win.
Here are a few things you can do on your birthday alone.
Write Yourself A Love Letter
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Writing yourself a love letter is the ultimate form of self-intimacy and self-love. What better way to celebrate your birthday than to shower yourself with words of affirmation? I started this ritual a year ago. And I will continue to practice this ritual on every single birthday. There is something about using words to embrace the woman you are. We as women don't do this enough, we don't give ourselves enough credit for everything that we are. It's time we pay attention to how we speak to ourselves.
On this birthday, be gentle with yourself. Write about your qualities, flaws, and accomplishments. Make yourself a few promises because you know you will never break your own heart. Remember, pen to paper always wins.
Buy Yourself Flowers
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You deserve flowers at all times. Don't wait for a guy or a friend to give you flowers. Especially on your birthday. Head to your local florist and create your own bouquet. Did you know certain types of flowers can enhance your energy? Carnations symbolize commitment while Freesias exudes positive energy to everyone around it. Pay attention to colors – red symbolizes power, life, and vitality. Yellow builds self-confidence and encourages optimism. Green represents tranquility and helps you stay grounded.
Treat Yourself To A Fancy Brunch Or Dinner
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Like Drake said, "Oh, you fancy huh. Nails did, hair did, everything did." Reserve a table for one at your favorite restaurant or at the new trendy restaurant you have been dying to go to. You don't always need a group of friends to make you feel special on your birthday. You control your feelings. And making yourself feel special is your power. So, get your face beat, put on that outfit, throw on those heels, and pull up to that restaurant with C-O-N-F-I-D-E-N-C-E. Don't give two fucks about the people staring at you just because you're sitting alone. They are probably admiring you anyways queen.
And if you'd prefer to do a quarantine-friendly version of this, prepare yourself a decadent meal or order in from one of your favorite restaurants. Treat yourself to a slice of luxury in the comforts of home.
Spend Your Day At A Day Spa
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Go ahead girl, and pamper yourself at a day spa. I mean, is there a better way to spend your birthday than getting your glow on? A fresh facial or clean skin just gives me all the feels. Book yourself a facial, massage, body treatment, manicure, or pedicure. If a day spa isn't your thing, try a Korean bathhouse or a Russian-Turkish bath. You can relax in different types of saunas, steam rooms, salt rooms, or aromatherapy rooms. Bathhouses offer all types of amenities and services for the ultimate day of self-care.
Wine Tasting
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Who doesn't love a good bottle of wine? Spend your special day in a beautiful vineyard and let your palate explore rich flavorful wines. While I have not done this for my own birthday, I did do a wine tasting safari at Malibu Wines by myself. I spent the day at this famous family-owned winery known for its scenery. I enjoyed picturesque views, feeding farm animals, and meeting new people. Of course, I enjoyed the wine, but I was in awe of the fact that someone owned 1,000 acres of land.
Travel
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Solo travel is life. Get you some sexy bikinis and take that solo birthday trip. Remember you are BAE. I took my first international solo trip for my 33rd birthday to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. Mexico was a whole mood. It was tacos, tequila shots, and sunsets. On the eve of my birthday, I ordered room service; crème brûleé with a glass of Moscato. Just before midnight, room service delivered my decadent dessert. I brought in my birthday in the comfort of my hotel room bed.
On my 35th birthday, I flew solo to Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico was even better than Mexico. I met up with a girl I connected with over a xoNecole Instagram post about solo travel. We slid in each other's DMs. And on the day of my arrival in Puerto Rico, homegirl scooped me up from the airport. She then connected me with another girl who had the same birthday as mine.
Coincidentally, this same girl was also staying in the same boutique hotel as me, The Dreamcatcher. This had to be a universal sign because from that point forward it was rooftop dinners, champagne bottles, salsa dancing, and island hopping. We even went for a night swim in the ocean butt naked. It was Sagittarius season, and we were lit AF. Oh, and for my 36th birthday, I commemorated my first solo trip by returning to Mexico.
So, on your birthday, celebrate yourself, QUEEN. You are BAE. You are the most important person on your born day. This is a celebration of your life. It's your day to shine even brighter. Don't let anyone even attempt to dim or steal your light. No one will love you more than you do. No one will treat you better than you do.
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Camille is a lover of all things skin, curls, music, justice, and wanderlust; oceans and islands are her thing. Her words inspire and her power is her voice. A California native with Trinidadian roots, she has penned personal essays, interviews, and lifestyle pieces for POPSUGAR, FEMI magazine, and SelfishBabe. Camille is currently creating a life she loves through words, self-love, fitness, travel, and empowerment. You can follow her on Instagram @cam_just_living or @written_by_cam.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Not too long ago, while in an interview, someone asked me for a top complaint that I hear husbands say (first) and then wives state (second) as it relates to what goes down (or doesn’t go down) in the bedroom.
Ladies first: when it comes to women, I think what comes up more than anything might surprise some: it’s boredom. A lot of wives want there to be more spontaneity instead of taking the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” approach from their partner. As for men? I mean, would anyone be shocked to hear that they wished their wife would initiate sex more often?
I’m telling you, over frequency, technique, and even dressing up more for bed (and yes, those things also come up quite a bit), hands down, what I hear that more men want is for their partner to show them that they are desired by taking the initial steps to make copulation happen…more often.
And so, since I’m all about doing whatever I can to reduce dissatisfaction and frustration in the bedroom department, let’s explore this very topic today — from a few angles. For starters, what it truly means to be a sexual initiator; two, why it’s so vitally important to be a sexual initiator, and three, why it could literally change the entire tone, energy, and outcome of your sex life with your partner — if you’d simply be open to initiating sex more often than you (probably already) do.
What It Means to Initiate Something. LITERALLY.
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I’m word-literal — there’s no secret about that. So, when it comes to the topic of initiating sex, let’s start with what the word means. To initiate is “to begin, set going, or originate” and “to introduce into the knowledge of some art or subject.” Some synonyms for initiate include begin, open, set up, trigger, admit, introduce, and invest. And when it comes to all of the meanings of these words, between men and women, when it comes to sex specifically, guess who does it more? Men. BY A LONG SHOT TOO: a whopping 60 percent.
When it comes to why a lot of women are so comfortable with men initiating intimacy, many think that, just like men should pursue them for a relationship, it is also “the man’s role” to pursue sex in the bedroom; they literally think that it makes them look desperate or needy for them to be the initiator — yes, even as a wife. What in the world?
Listen, when two people sign up to be each other’s exclusive sex partner until death parts them, it means they are both saying that they desire each other so much that they are willing to make that kind of commitment — and so, there should be no “I don’t want to appear this way or that” when it comes to sexual activity.
So, with all of that ridiculous overthinking out of the way, that should make you want to “set up” some sex plans, “admit” to some sexual fantasies that you may have, and “introduce” some new ideas to your partner; especially since that’s exactly what so many men wish that their lady would do, to begin with.
So, with all of this said, if you’re someone who is hung up on not initiating, first spend some time really processing what the word means. Because when two people are eager to begin sex and invest in each other sexually, that is the recipe for a truly satisfying experience…over and over and over again.
C’mon. Who Doesn’t Want to Feel Wanted?
GiphyI remember once reading an article that said our brain processes rejection the same way that it does physical pain, and y’all, I don’t know about you, but if something is physically hurting me, my natural inclination is to get away from it. Along these lines, when it comes to relationships since research has proven that rejection can lead to things like jealousy, shame, anxiety, loneliness, and guilt — yes, it makes all of the common sense in the world that you would want to do all that you can to make your partner feel wanted…both in and outside of the bedroom because, just like no one wants to deal with physical pain, no one wants to keep dealing with rejection and all of the fallout that comes with it…either.
Actually, when it comes to this particular point, I think that an article that I once read on Psychology Today’s site said it best: “Not only does being needed help define your role in a relationship, but being needed can also influence how satisfied you feel in a relationship.” And before some of you say that “sex is not a need” — the hell you say? I mean, the only purpose of your clitoris is to provide sexual stimulation, so that alone should make us all deem sex (and sexual fulfillment) as pretty damn important.
Plus, by definition, a need is something that is deemed as being essential while also being something that is extremely necessary, and anyone who thinks that a romantic relationship doesn’t need physical intimacy? That’s someone who really needs to remain single because one of the top things that makes a relationship more than a friendship is there is intimacy that’s involved.
Besides, who doesn’t want to feel wanted by their partner — and I do mean, in every way? And when you make the decision to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else, you are declaring that they are someone who pleases you to the point where you don’t need to look for anyone else to do it; and, if that is indeed what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense that you wouldn’t initiate sex with them sometimes (and I do mean more than on their birthday).
One, because you choose them to “fill that role.” Two, because they are the source of your fulfillment in that area. Three, because it’s completely unfair (not to mention totally hypocritical) to expect them to make you feel wanted when you’re not being intentional about making them feel the same way in return. Not to mention the fact that initiating also helps to safeguard your relationship on a lot of levels too.
Since sex is important and rejection is detrimental on so many levels, it’s crucial to make your partner feel sexually wanted and desired by you. One way to definitely do that is to initiate sex.
What Initiating Sex Does for You
GiphySo, what does initiating sex do for the initiator? Something that I tell a lot of my women clients is it helps them to create an atmosphere that puts them in the mood. What I mean by that is, if their husband is perfectly content having sex on the couch during commercials (I’m kind of exaggerating to make a point…kind of…LOL) while they would like some candles, mood music, and rose petals — they can control that if they are the one who initiates.
Another perk that comes with being the initiator is you have more “control” over how the sex goes. The kind of foreplay you want, how fast or slow things go, how intercourse begins — all of this, you have more of a say so in if you’re the one who is initiating intimacy. Why? Well, think about when your bae initiates — doesn’t it seem like you tend to follow his lead more when he’s the one who is first to get the ball rolling?
Oftentimes, when a couple comes to me about being sexually dissatisfied, and I recommend that the one who doesn’t initiate takes more initiative, the one on the receiving end likes the fact that their partner is “running the show” — and the initiator likes “being in charge” more than they thought that they would. As a result, both end up experiencing far more pleasure.
The initiator shows what they want more of while the receiver feels desired in the process. A win/win for everyone.
What Initiating Sex Does for Him
sexy black and white GIFGiphyA couple of weeks ago, while in a session with a client, he was joking about how much he has “too much of a good thing” when it comes to his wife’s libido. Although science says that the fact that men have a higher amount of testosterone in their system, and it is the reason why they typically have a higher sex drive, don’t sleep on a lot of women out there who want to get it in more than their husband does. His wife is one of them. Since she’s a client of mine too (oftentimes, we do our sessions separately), it’s interesting that he’s fine with having sex a couple of times a month while she would like to a couple of times a week.
So, is he denying her when she wants it more often? Nope. The reason why they’re not having more sex is that even though her drive is higher, she still waits for him to initiate. Why? Because she thinks that’s what “the man should do”; not only that but “being wooed” turns her on more.
As I’ve been working on helping them to find a middle ground (because if marriage ain’t about compromise, I don’t know what is), he says that he feels like because he plans a lot of the dates, he wishes that she would initiate more: “I don’t think a lot of women get how hard it is to be a Black man out here. Nothing feels better than knowing that if no one else is thrilled by your presence, your woman is. For us, initiating isn’t just about sex. It’s about feeling wanted as a whole. And when we feel like our woman adores us, there is no greater turn-on.”
I’m not sure what y’all heard, but what it sounds like to me is when we, as women, initiate sex, men feel holistically special and cherished. That makes sense, too, because if we were to put our feet in their shoes, we would probably say the same thing. That’s just one more reason to pull the “gender roles” out of this topic; men and women both want to feel like they are the best thing on the planet by their sex partners. And again, initiating helps us all to feel that way.
What Initiating Ultimately Does for Your Relationship As a Whole
Issa Rae Love GIF by Insecure on HBOGiphyPersonally, I can only imagine how much better sex would be for everyone (who is in a sexual relationship) if people simply initiated copulation whenever they wanted to have it. That way, everyone would feel desired — and what could possibly be wrong with that? Especially if both individuals factored in some of the definitions for initiated that I already shared. Just think about if you rushed home tonight because you read about something that you want to introduce to your man or there’s a fantasy that you have that you want to admit.
The mere conversations alone will help to bring the two of you closer together because, after all, deep intimacy is about minds, bodies, and spirits getting as close as possible…right? And so, yes, by initiating sex, it can bring more closeness and stability to the relationship as a whole.
And what if you initiate and your partner isn’t interested at the time? Or what if you’re shy about initiating due to having a fear of rejection? That’s a fair and legitimate concern. One day, I’ll need to pen an article on how couples should handle situations like that with grace (on both ends) while applying the golden rule of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” For now, I’ll just say that if this is your greatest point of concern, share that with your partner as well.
After all, it’s pretty unrealistic to expect them to always want it when you do (although it’s been my experience and observation that men are almost always far easier to convince…LOL); just know that not wanting sex at the exact moment that you do doesn’t mean that they don’t want you altogether. Besides, oftentimes, a nap or a night of sleep can rectify that issue. Trust me.
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Rihanna was actually once quoted as saying, “To me, sex is power. It’s empowering to do it because you want to do it.” I personally think that’s a great way to bring this to a close. Make your partner feel wonderful, empower yourself, and strengthen your relationship by initiating sex more often. I can’t think of one reason why it’s not a wise move. Can you?
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