"Yes, love yourself. But also analyze and be critical of how you think, act and behave. Self-love without self-awareness is useless. Hold yourself accountable." --Unknown
I'm actually chuckling to myself, even as I'm writing this, because I went to college with someone who used to make some of the dumbest choices (when it came to relationships, money, you name it). Yet whenever that fact was brought to their attention, their preset response was "I'm aware." Since being aware of something is simply being cognizant of it or having knowledge about it, it's not like they were exactly wrong by saying that.
The thing that used to baffle me was when were they going to get to a point and place in their life where merely being aware of their mess ups wasn't enough? When were they going to start putting some of that so-called awareness on the front end of their poor decisions? Ladies—and gents who are also peeking in—this is where bona fide self-awareness comes in. Because, indeed, it's one thing to have knowledge of something or someone, but it's another matter entirely when you have a ton of knowledge about yourself before even getting involved in something—or with someone—else.
I've had my fair share of compliments; however, I think one that goes on my Top 10 list is something that both my bestie and spiritual mentor have both told me before—that I am ever-striving to be a self-aware individual. And since that has been a focus of mine, life has been calmer, easier and much more drama-free. I think it's due to the fact that I put the following 10 things into practice as much as I possibly can.
1.Self-Aware People Pray and/or Meditate
GiphyI'm gonna refrain from taking y'all to church on this point, but there is scientific evidence that there are all sorts of benefits that come from praying on a consistent basis. One study reveals that it can help your body to fight off disease. Another study shows that it's an effective way to find relief from depression-related symptoms. There's even research to prove that it can increase longevity. And don't even get me started on the power of meditation; of learning how to get quiet, still and deep breathe (check out "Scientific Benefits of Meditation – 76 things you might be missing out on" when you get a chance).
Some of the most self-aware people I know are also the most humble. A part of what makes them that way is they know there is a Higher Power that they must respect, give honor to and rely on for strength and support. If you're someone who knows that a Source is playing a direct role in your life, pat yourself (humbly) on the back. You're more self-aware than a lot of people out in these streets, just based on this point alone.
2.Self-Aware People Really Listen to Themselves and Others
Anyone who tells you that they are self-aware but they don't listen is in complete and total denial. One of the signature traits of a self-aware individual is their ability to pay attention to what is happening inside of them and what is transpiring around them.
How can you know if you're a good listener or not? When it comes to listening to yourself, meditation helps with that. So does paying attention to when something physically feels a little "off" or your gut is sending you certain messages. Another sign that you're good at listening to yourself is you practice self-care. At the end of the day, self-care is about knowing that you can't even begin to take good care of others if you don't start by tending to your own needs first.
As far as if you're a good listener with other people, ask yourself the following questions. Do you make sure to give them your undivided attention? Do you give them time to express themselves? Do you ask questions in order to gain the clarity that you seek? Are you intentional about making them feel comfortable and safe in your space? Do you not turn things around and make them be about you while they are talking (I hate it when people do that!)? If the answer is "yes", not only are you great at listening to others, you've mastered a form of self-awareness that few make a top priority.
3.Self-Aware People Have and Respect Boundaries
Be leery of people who don't have boundaries and/or don't respect yours. As a late poet by the name of Gerard Manley Hopkins once said, "Your personal boundaries protect the inner core of your identity and right to choose." Indeed. And since the purpose of boundaries is the deepest parts of your being, it makes perfect sense that self-aware individuals would have them; not only have them but honor the ones that others have because they support their need to honor themselves too.
Anyone who tries to push past your boundaries? First, share with them a quote by two of my favorite authors on the topic, Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend—"The first thing you need to learn is that the person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem." (#dropthemic) Then, if you want to keep them in your life, but you feel like they need some assistance in the learning-the-point-of-having-boundaries department, bless them with a copy of Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. If they don't thank you now, they'll thank you later.
(Speaking of boundaries, if you're not sure if you have some, a read that is totally worth your time is "18 Signs You Lack Personal Boundaries (and Feel Constantly Used)".)
4.Self-Aware People Understand Different Emotions
According to many mental health experts, we basically experience four different types of emotions— anger, fear, happiness and sadness. Everything else is an extension of these. That might be true, but if you check out this emotion wheel, you'll see that what's going on in our head and heart is a lot more complex than just four feelings.
Something that I adore about my godchildren's mother is she makes sure that they are in tune with their emotions. When the older one (the second is a newborn) says that she is mad, her mom takes a moment to ask her if it's actual anger that she feels or maybe it's more like irritation, being overwhelmed or even tired.
Can you imagine how less emotionally confused a lot of us would be as adults if our parents took out the time to be this thorough with us when we were little? There's no time like the present. Check out the emotional wheel link. Print it out and hang it up if necessary. We're emotional beings. It's a good idea to know what all of our emotions are.
5.Self-Aware People Think Before Speaking
I used to date a guy who stuttered. He was also soft-spoken. Boy, did I learn a lot about communication, thanks to interacting with him. For one thing, I had to accept how straight-up rude it is to cut someone off while they're speaking. Whether we realize it or not, it's also an ego trip because we're basically saying that what we've got to share is far more important. Another thing that it taught me was how impatient I can sometimes be while engaging others. But since my ex took longer to get his words out and I have a naturally louder tone than him, it taught me how to slow down and really listen. Know what doing that did? It taught me how to do more thinking before I speak.
Thinking before speaking is basically taking out a moment or two to process what you're about to say and how you're about to say it in order to see if you're willing to handle the reaction that you just might get. It's also about applying tact and timing to truth.
Self-aware people typically don't like drama, so they would rather take long pauses in conversation than to rush to get things out, only to unnecessarily start problems.
6.Self-Aware People Observe Others’ Mistakes (to Avoid Making Them)
One of the best things I've ever heard my mother say is, "Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher." What that means, in a nutshell, is you don't have to go through everything in order to learn. Sometimes, observing someone else's life, can be impactful all on its own.
This is one of the best traits about a self-aware person. They don't think that you need a certain type of status or education or even a certain tax bracket to be a powerful teacher in their life. A houseless (which is what I prefer instead of the word "homeless") individual, someone in prison or a substance abuser can have brilliant points and insights just as much as anyone else. If you listen closely enough, they might even have more.
7.Self-Aware People Are Patient
Someone once said, "When you delay instant gratification, you will experience long-term satisfaction." Self-aware people know this. They're the kind of individuals who would rather save up for something rather than charge it on their credit card. They're also the ones who aren't interested in settling because they live by the quote by writer Maureen Dowd—"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for." When it comes to having something vs. having what's best for them, they'll take what's behind Door #2.
However, there is something else about patience that goes beyond waiting for things. One of the most slept-on definitions of patient (probably because it's uncomfortable and difficult) is "bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, etc., with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger, or the like". When you look at patience from this perspective, it is one of the hardest things to put into practice. Self-aware people do it anyway because they know that life isn't always easy nor is it always gonna go their way, but, at the same time, the best way to get through the trying times is to apply a nice dose of patience.
8.Self-Aware People Are Compassionate
I really like the word "compassion". There is something really soothing and safe about it. When there are people on the planet who don't just acknowledge someone's pain or discomfort but want to do whatever they can to help relieve it? That is humanity functioning at its finest. Compassionate people are empathetic. Compassionate people are giving. Compassionate people know how to forgive others and themselves. Compassionate people are mindful and grateful.
There is absolutely no way that you can be a compassionate person and not have a pretty high level of self-awareness; especially if you know that being compassionate starts with extending compassion to the one who's looking at you in the mirror.
9.Self-Aware People Are Focused
I have a friend who says the funniest thing about his mom—"I don't know what makes her think that if she calls me three times in one day that it's gonna make me call her back any faster. I check her messages and if it's not dire, I get back to her once I've done the other things that are already on my list." You know what kind of person functions this way? A focused one.
Focused people don't spend hours on social media while they are at work. Focused people don't buy an extra pair of shoes when they are trying to save up for a new car. Focused people don't settle for Mr./Ms. Right Now when who they really want is Mr./Ms. Right, period. Focused people refuse to let someone discourage them off of their plans and goals. Focused people have routines, work methodically and know how to embrace each and every moment they are in.
Something else that's dope about focused folks is they truly honor their time. I think it was an author by the name of Shannon L. Adler who once said, "Don't say you don't have enough time or enough money to change the world. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Gandhi, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci and Jesus Christ." A lot of focused/self-aware people? They probably have this quote hanging up in their office or house somewhere.
10.Self-Aware People Know How and When to Let Things Go
Cue in Toni Braxton's song, "Let It Flow" right here. Every March, there's a national observance day called National Get Over It Day. It's a reminder that everything has its own time and season. Self-aware people are not only accepting of this reality, they are often so in tune with themselves and what's going on around them that they can sense when much-needed shifts are coming. And since they know that, more times than not, in order to get to what's better, they are prepared to release what's before them—and they are able to let go with love.
Personally, I find letting ish go to be one of the best qualities of self-awareness. It's also one of the greatest motivations to make self-awareness a consistent life practice. How about you?
Featured image by Getty Images
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So, we handpicked one hundred It Girls who embody that palpable It Factor moving through us as young Black women, the kind of motion lighting up the world both IRL and across the internet.
It Girl 100 became xoNecole’s most successful program, with the hashtag organically reaching more than forty million impressions on Instagram in just twenty-four hours. Yes, it caught on like wildfire because we celebrated some of the most brilliant and influential GenZennial women of color setting trends and shaping culture. But more than that, it resonated because the women we celebrated felt seen.
Many were already known in their industries for keeping this generation fly and lit, but rarely received recognition or flowers. It Girl 100 became a safe space to be uplifted, and for us as Black women to bask in what felt like an era of our brilliance, beauty, and boundless influence on full display.
And then, almost overnight, it was as if the rug was pulled from under us as Black women, as the It Girls of the world.
Our much-needed, much-deserved season of ease and soft living quickly metamorphosed into a time of self-preservation and survival. Our motion and economic progression seemed strategically slowed, our light under siege.
The air feels heavier now. The headlines colder. Our Black girl magic is being picked apart and politicized for simply existing.
With that climate shift, as we prepare to launch our second annual It Girl 100 honoree list, our team has had to dig deep on the purpose and intention behind this year’s list. Knowing the spirit of It Girl 100 is about motion, sauce, strides, and progression, how do we celebrate amid uncertainty and collective grief when the juice feels like it is being squeezed out of us?
As we wrestled with that question, we were reminded that this tension isn’t new. Black women have always had to find joy in the midst of struggle, to create light even in the darkest corners. We have carried the weight of scrutiny for generations, expected to be strong, to serve, to smile through the sting. But this moment feels different. It feels deeply personal.
We are living at the intersection of liberation and backlash. We are learning to take off our capes, to say no when we are tired, to embrace softness without apology.
And somehow, the world has found new ways to punish us for it.
In lifestyle, women like Kayla Nicole and Ayesha Curry have been ridiculed for daring to choose themselves. Tracee Ellis Ross was labeled bitter for speaking her truth about love. Meghan Markle, still, cannot breathe without critique.
In politics, Kamala Harris, Letitia James, and Jasmine Crockett are dragged through the mud for standing tall in rooms not built for them.
In sports, Angel Reese, Coco Gauff, and Taylor Townsend have been reminded that even excellence will not shield you from racism or judgment.
In business, visionaries like Diarrha N’Diaye-Mbaye and Melissa Butler are fighting to keep their dreams alive in an economy that too often forgets us first.
Even our icons, Beyoncé, Serena, and SZA, have faced criticism simply for evolving beyond the boxes society tried to keep them in.
From everyday women to cultural phenoms, the pattern is the same. Our light is being tested.
And yet, somehow, through it all, we are still showing up as that girl, and that deserves to be celebrated.
Because while the world debates our worth, we keep raising our value. And that proof is all around us.
This year alone, Naomi Osaka returned from motherhood and mental health challenges to reach the semifinals of the US Open. A’ja Wilson claimed another MVP, reminding us that beauty and dominance can coexist. Brandy and Monica are snatching our edges on tour. Kahlana Barfield Brown sold out her new line in the face of a retailer that had been canceled. And Melissa Butler’s company, The Lip Bar, is projecting a forty percent surge in sales.
We are no longer defining strength by how much pain we can endure. We are defining it by the unbreakable light we continue to radiate.
We are the women walking our daily steps and also continuing to run solid businesses. We are growing in love, taking solo trips, laughing until it hurts, raising babies and ideas, drinking our green juice, and praying our peace back into existence.
We are rediscovering the joy of rest and realizing that softness is not weakness, it is strategy.
And through it all, we continue to lift one another. Emma Grede is creating seats at the table. Valeisha Butterfield has started a fund for jobless Black women. Arian Simone is leading in media with fearless conviction. We are pouring into each other in ways the world rarely sees but always feels.
So yes, we are in the midst of societal warfare. Yes, we are being tested. Yes, we are facing economic strain, political targeting, and public scrutiny. But even war cannot dim a light that is divinely ours.
And we are still shining.
And we are still softening.
And we are still creating.
And we are still It.
That is the quiet magic of Black womanhood, our ability to hold both truth and triumph in the same breath, to say yes, and to life’s contradictions.
It is no coincidence that this year, as SheaMoisture embraces the message “Yes, And,” they stand beside us as partners in celebrating this class of It Girls. Because that phrase, those two simple words, capture the very essence of this moment.
Yes, we are tired. And we are still rising.
Yes, we are questioned. And we are the answer.
Yes, we are bruised. And we are still beautiful.
This year’s It Girl 100 is more than a list. It is a love letter to every Black woman who dares to live out loud in a world that would rather she whisper. This year’s class is living proof of “Yes, And,” women who are finding ways to thrive and to heal, to build and to rest, to lead and to love, all at once.
It is proof that our joy is not naive, our success not accidental. It is the reminder that our light has never needed permission.
So without further ado, we celebrate the It Girl 100 Class of 2025–2026.
We celebrate the millions of us who keep doing it with grace, grit, and glory.
Because despite it all, we still shine.
Because we are still her.
Because we are still IT, girl.
Meet all 100 women shaping culture in the It Girl 100 Class of 2025. View the complete list of honorees here.
Featured image by xoStaff
Then there were those who gave up their zip code altogether and found a permanent home in the skies. After years spent recruiting students for a university, Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare became a full-time travel influencer and founded her travel company, Shakespeare Agency. And she's not alone.
These stories mirror the experiences of women across the world. For millions, the pandemic induced a seismic shift in priorities and desires. Corporate careers that were once hailed as the ultimate “I made it” moment in one's career were pushed to the back burner as women quit their jobs in search of a more self-fulfilling purpose.
xoNecole spoke to these three Black women who used the pandemic as a springboard to make their wildest dreams a reality, the lessons they learned, and posed the question of whether they’ll ever return to cubicle life.
Answers have been edited for context and length.
xoNecole: How did the pandemic lead to you leaving the cubicle?
Randi: I was becoming stagnant. I was working in mortgage and banking but I felt like my personality was too big for that job! From there, I transitioned to radio but was laid off during the pandemic. That’s what made me go full throttle with entrepreneurship.
Gabrielle: I moved around a lot for work. Five times over a span of seven years. I knew I needed a break because I had experienced so much. So, I just quit one day. Effective immediately. I didn’t know what I was going to do, I just knew I needed a break and to just regroup.
Lisa-Gaye: I was working in recruiting at a university and my dream job just kind of fell into my lap! But, I never got to fully enjoy it before the world shut down in March [2020] and I was laid off. On top of that, I was stuck in Miami because Jamaica had closed its borders due to the pandemic before I was able to return.
Randi O
xoN: Tell us about your journey after leaving Corporate America.
Randi: I do it all now! I have a podcast, I’m an on-air talent, I act, and I own a public relations company that focuses on social media engagement. It’s all from my network. When you go out and start a business, you can’t just say, “Okay I’m done with Corporate America,” and “Let me do my own thing.” If you don’t build community, if you don’t build a network it's going to be very hard to sustain.
Gabrielle: I realized in New York, there was not a lot to do for Black lesbians and queer folks. We don’t really have dedicated bars and spaces so I started doing events and it took off. I started focusing on my brand, Raw Honey. I opened a co-working space, and I was able to host an NYC Pride event in front of 100,000 people. I hit the ground running with Raw Honey. My events were all women coming to find community and come together with other lesbians and queer folks. I found my purpose in that.
Lisa-Gaye: After being laid off, I wrote out all of my passions and that’s how I came up with [my company] Shakespeare Agency. It was all of the things that I loved to do under one umbrella. The pandemic pulled that out of me. I had a very large social media following, so I pitched to hotels that I would feature them on my blog and social media. This reignited my passion for travel. I took the rest of the year to refocus my brand to focus solely on being a content creator within the travel space.
Gabrielle
xoN: What have you learned about yourself during your time as an entrepreneur?
Randi: [I learned] the importance of my network and community that I created. When I was laid off I was still keeping those relationships with people that I used to work with. So it was easy for me to transition into social media management and I didn’t have to start from scratch.
Gabrielle: The biggest thing I learned about myself was my own personal identity as a Black lesbian and how much I had assimilated into straight and corporate culture and not being myself. Now, I feel comfortable and confident being my authentic self. Now, I'm not sacrificing anything else for my career. I have a full life. I have friends. I have a social life. And when you are happy and have a full quality of life, I feel like [I] can have more longevity in my career.
Lisa-Gaye: [I'm doing] the best that I've ever done. The discipline that I’m building within myself. Nobody is saying, ‘Oh you have to be at work at this time.’ There’s no boss saying, ‘Why are you late?’ But, if I’m laying in bed at 10 a.m. then it's me saying [to myself], 'Okay, Lisa, get up, it's time for you to start working!’ That’s all on me.
xoNecole: What mistakes do you want to help people avoid when leaving Corporate America?
Randi: You have to learn about the highs and lows of entrepreneurship. You have a fast season and a slow season and I started to learn that when you're self-employed the latter season hits hard. Don't get caught up on the lows, just keep going and don't stop. I’m glad I did.
Gabrielle: I think everyone should quit their job and just figure it out for a second. You will discover so much about yourself when you take a second to just focus on you. Your skill set will always be there. You can’t be afraid of what will happen when you bet on yourself.
Lisa-Gaye: When it comes to being an influencer the field is saturated and a lot of people suffer from imposter syndrome. There is nothing wrong with being an imposter but find out how to make it yours, how to make it better. If you go to the store, you see 10 million different brands of bread! But you are choosing the brand that you like because you like that particular flavor.
So be an imposter, but be the best imposter of yourself and add your own flair, your own flavor. Make the better bread. The bread that you want.
Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
xoNecole: Will you ever return to your 9 to 5?
Randi: I wouldn’t go back to Corporate America. But I don’t mind working under someone. A lot of people try to get into this business saying, “I can't work under anyone.” That’s not necessarily the reason to start a business because you're always going to answer to somebody. Clients, brands, there’s always someone else involved.
Gabrielle: I went back! I really needed a break and I gave myself that. But, I realized I’m a corporate girl, [and] I enjoy the work that I do. I’m good at it and I really missed that side of myself. I have different sides of me and my whole identity is not Raw Honey or my queerness. A big side of me is business and that’s why I love having my career. Now I feel like my best self.
Lisa-Gaye: I really don’t. For right now, I love working for myself. It's gratifying, it's challenging, it's exciting. It’s a big deal for me to say I own my own business. That I am my own boss, and I'm a Black woman doing it.
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Featured image courtesy of Lisa-Gaye Shakespeare
Originally published on February 6, 2023