What does it really mean to "have everything"? I suppose it depends on what you define as everything. From achieving your goals to living the life you didn't have as a child to living unapologetically, having everything isn't always qualified and quantified by material things. This way of thinking is related to the minimalist lifestyle – an existence that is rooted in happiness when living with less. For minimalists, they value experiences over possessions.
Minimalism is not for the faint of heart. The 'less is more' concept is one that requires discipline, consistency, and intention. We have watched as the minimalist theory swept across varying fields from fashion to interior design to photography. It is such a beautiful way of life and we are in awe of how Black women apply the theory to their lives.
So, we talked with four Black women who aren't new to minimalism, they are true to minimalism. Keep reading for why they made the choice, how their upbringing affected their decision, and their advice for other women.Whitney Roberts
Photo Courtesy of Whitney Roberts
Age: 35
Title/Industry: Writer, Podcaster, Content Creator
Location: Philadelphia, PA
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I have been a minimalist for about four years now. I adopted minimalism because I was honestly tired of stuff. As a writer, I find clutter to be distracting. To keep me as focused as possible, I try to eliminate as much of it as possible.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
Getting rid of certain things. For me, clothes were easy to clear out as I made the practice of clearing my wardrobe every season change in order to donate. The most difficult things to get rid of were my books! I love to read and managed to get my hands on many rare copies.
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
Majorly! My mom is big on giving things away that we aren't using. She's really generous. I would like to think I inherited her generosity. On the other hand, one of my grandparents was a huge hoarder. They would buy things just to have them and wouldn't share. I saw how that affected their lives and how, in the end, all they had was their stuff.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
CLOTHES! I said earlier how easy they were to give away and unless I need something, I rarely shop for clothes. And you will be surprised how quickly the savings add up when you're not constantly shopping for things that are in style today and out tomorrow.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
The biggest joy is handing over that box of things I don't need knowing that they are going to people who do need them. I recently cleared some gently-used dishes I didn't need and, afterward, found a family that didn't have any. Handing them that box and sharing in that moment of gratitude (them grateful for the dishes and me grateful to help) was a big joy.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
Start small. You don't have to reduce all of your items in one day, or even in one month! Take your time. Choose one area at a time. Go through each item, one at a time, and ask yourself if you really NEED it or not. It's totally doable. Just go at your own pace.
For more of Whitney, follow her on Instagram.
Danae Smith
Photo Courtesy of Danae Smith
Age: 30
Title/Industry: Lifestyle Blogger
Location: Northern Virginia
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I started my minimalist journey in 2015 but in the last couple of years, I've really leaned into the slowness and simplicity of minimalism.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle was unlearning rushing and learning to let go. Decluttering spaces wasn't too hard. I could easily let go of clothes and shoes that didn't spark joy, but for me, it was hard to let go of items that held memories. It's a process, but minimalism has challenged my need to hold on to all the things, be that something tangible or intangible. As for unlearning rushing, embracing minimalism has and continues to challenge my need to rush on to the next thing, be that a trend or literally how I move from one space to the next. I'm constantly learning to slow down and be still, to give the moment in front of me my full attention.
"I'm constantly learning to slow down and be still, to give the moment in front of me my full attention."
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
I didn't grow up in a minimalistic home, but I did grow up in a home that valued delayed gratification, imaginative play, and reading over television, etc. I grew up in a home that did not follow trends a ton and that has deeply impacted how I move through life now. In some ways, the way I grew up helped make the adjustment to a more minimalist lifestyle a little easier.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
I think the first items to receive a personal budget cut were clothes and shoes. Nowadays, I aim to purchase clothing items that are aesthetically pleasing and functional with the ability to be worn in multiple seasons and styled differently each time. Doing the 10x10 challenge really helped me to get creative with the clothes I already owned. I also worked really hard at not eating out a ton, especially for lunch. I worked in D.C. for a while so it was easy to go to a food truck or chain restaurant to grab lunch. Of course, as with any journey, some days were definitely easier than others.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
My biggest joy has been giving myself permission to slow down and be fully present in a given moment.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
Don't feel pressured to pursue minimalism in any particular way. You don't have to suddenly don neutral tones or have a home barely furnished. You can pursue minimalism in full color with a cozy living space or whatever your vibe is. In my eyes, minimalism isn't just an aesthetic. It's a lifestyle choice that makes room for what matters and what you value. How that looks and unfolds in your life can and will look different from the next person.
For more of Danae, follow her on Instagram.
Jaznel Mosby aka J. Chavae or Jaz
Photo Courtesy of Jaznel Mosby
Age: 29
Title/Industry: Wellness Facilitator
Location: Athens, GA
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I adapted to the minimalist, more so essentialist, lifestyle about four to five years ago.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle in making this change was thinking that I had to have five to 10 items in my possession when in reality, it was being conscious of what I needed and what truly made me happy.
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
Growing up, my mother had so many random things in high volume that she didn't need or use, be it shoes, food, cups, etc. I knew that it was because of a lack mentality (she grew up pretty poor in Jamaica) so I did have sympathy for her, but it drove me NUTS! I became obsessed with organizing first, then minimalism/essentialism was introduced to me and the game changed!
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
I had to stop buying clothes and shoes. I was a real shopaholic in my early 20's, buying things for their photo potential regardless of wearability or comfort, but minimalism helped me kick that to the curb. I would always tell myself that I didn't have money when in reality, I did have money, I was spending it all on shoes, clothes, and FOOD.
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
My biggest joy since this lifestyle change has been filling my home with things that I absolutely need and that I absolutely LOVE. Everything has a purpose and a place which makes my compartmentalized mind very happy!
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
The advice that I would give to women wanting to live minimally or essentially is to add before you subtract. It's like wanting to be healthier. If you cut everything out, you're going to crave it more often and probably give in...the same applied to me when it came to my things. Figure out what you love and what you need, incorporate those items in your life and then give thanks to what you don't need or love (think Marie Kondo-style). I also released things much easier when I gave them to someone I knew/loved. It made me happy knowing that they would use something that was simply taking up space in my home!
For more of Jaznel, follow her on Instagram.
Christine Platt
Age: 44
Title: The Afrominimalist
Location: Washington, DC
When did you adapt to the minimalist lifestyle?
I began adapting a minimalist lifestyle in the summer of 2016 but in all honesty, I had no idea what I was doing. I was so focused on trying to mirror the neutral, barren aesthetics I saw online. It wasn't until 2017 when I began focusing on being authentic and intentional with my personal style that I truly began adapting to a minimalist lifestyle. For me, that looks like Afrominimalism—a home and wardrobe that reflects the history and beauty of the African diaspora.
The shift to being authentic and intentional was so pivotal! It is what led me to write The Afrominimalist's Guide to Living Less, to really encourage more people, especially Black people, to embrace the practice of minimalism more holistically. Being a conscious consumer has more benefits than having a tidy house and benefiting the environment. It is an opportunity for our community to use their resources to build generational wealth—and for many of us, we are the first people in our families to have the opportunity to do so.
What was the hardest obstacle in making this change?
The hardest obstacle wasn't sorting through everything to decide what I wanted to keep and what I wanted to let go (which is what I thought would be the hardest part). I was very surprised at the emotional work that came with the letting go process. I had to acknowledge what aspects of my childhood led to my excessive spending. I had to acknowledge that I had so many things but so little savings. And I had to forgive myself for all the decisions and choices that led to my overindulgence.
But ironically, I believe emotional labor is one of the most important parts of the process. Honoring my feelings has been essential to maintaining a lifestyle with less. And I really encourage anyone who is planning to or in the process of decluttering to embrace the anger, frustration, sadness, tears, and whatever other emotions emerge. It is important to first know the reasons why you have more than you need, and then honor the emotions that come with that understanding. If not, it is likely that you will continue the same spending habits and find yourself in the same situation again.
"Honoring my feelings has been essential to maintaining a lifestyle with less."
How did your upbringing affect your choice to become a minimalist?
I am so glad that you asked this question! How we were raised plays an important role in why so many people have more than they need. From how we saw our caregivers handle money to fulfilling unmet childhood expectations, there are aspects from our past that have influenced our relationship with money and spending habits. When I was younger, my mother and I spent the weekends shopping, and it was always my favorite part of the week. We had so much fun together! And so, I associated shopping with fun, with rewarding myself, with enjoying the fruits of my labor.
When I began adapting a minimalist lifestyle, I realized what a significant role my childhood played in my emotional spending, as well as the cultural influences and other aspects of my identity, such as being a first-generation everything. I have since become very intentional about breaking that cycle with my daughter and sharing my experiences with others so they can learn from my experiences.
What things did you stop buying in order to feel freer financially?
OK, I want to address a misconception about minimalists—we buy things all the time! We are just 1) very very intentional about what we purchase and 2) constantly letting go of things that no longer serve us to make space for what matters. In order to be financially freer, I had to learn the reason behind my excess (the mindless consumerism and bargain shopping), and refrain from those behaviors. It's how I came up with a mantra that I sometimes still must use when I am shopping: "Remember, it's not a deal if you don't need it."
Can you share your biggest joy since you made the modifications?
Oh, my goodness! There is so much joy! Having savings is such a big part of my joy. Understanding my power as a conscious consumer and investing in my community. There is such joy in being intentional with where and how I spend my money.
What advice do you have for women wanting to live life minimally?
You know, I recently read this beautiful interview in ELLE with Taylour Paige who plays Dussie in Ma Rainey's Black Bottom (which the historian and lover of Black storytelling in me is just obsessed with that movie. Just, gah!) It just felt like I was having a conversation with a young Black woman on her way to understanding and seizing every opportunity in her lifetime. One thing that Taylour said really struck me: "We're all eternal. And this is just a blip in eternity. But if I can be conscious of that, why do anything I don't want to do?"
If you want to live more minimally, do it! And be fully conscious of and committed to your decision. And don't be afraid to make it your own. For me, it's Afrominimalism. But for you, it may be something entirely different. Think of minimalism as intentionalism. Be intentional about creating the life you want to live.
For more of Christine, follow her on Instagram.
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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Featured image by Giphy