
Performing at our absolute highest has been the most important thing to and about Black women for ages. Papa Pope told Olivia, “We have to be twice as good…” and the rest of us felt that. Deeply. But what happens when you’re not performing at your highest level in your work, relationships, and just daily life, no matter how hard you try?
Our first thought usually is to beat ourselves up and try to force our brains and bodies into submission to being the best at all. What if it’s time to zoom out and take a look at our lives within the context of the season we’re in, and perhaps where life and God are trying to lead us to? Would we give ourselves more grace? And how much more would we be able to love our lives instead of always sizing them up next to others’?
What Does It Mean to Be in a Season of Transition?
After going through several major transitions - career, creativity, identity, friendship, love, and family - I’ve learned to discern that what often seems like total failure on my part is just that good tension of becoming. Here are 6 signs you’re not failing, you’re simply in a season of transition.
6 Signs You’re in a Life Transition
1. You Feel Misaligned, Even Though You're Doing Your Level Best
You show up, you try and yet… something feels way off. I once worked in higher education where I showed up with the best of intentions but constantly felt like I was intruding or out of step with my coworkers. I couldn’t get a solid handle on how to assimilate to the culture no matter how hard I tried. And baby did I try!
It wasn’t until I left that world that I understood I wasn’t a failure there, I was misaligned. It wasn’t until I left that world that I realized I wasn’t failing — I was just misaligned. Misalignment isn't failure. It's an invitation to pivot.
Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines misalignment as “the condition of being out of correct position or improperly adjusted.” Um, that’ll preach. I needed to find where I could be my complete self and leaving that job allowed me to really begin on the journey to doing just that.
2. You’re Tired In A Way Rest Won’t Fix
It won’t matter how early you get to bed. It won’t matter how long you sit and meditate. It won’t matter how many naps or mental health days you take. When you’re supposed to be moving in a different direction and you’re not…there’s not enough rest in the world.
If you’re always exhausted like I have been at different stages of my career and personal life, it may be because you’re pouring yourself into something that drains your spirit. And yes, we understand that not every career or gig is meant to be purpose-driven, sometimes they just pay the bills.
But if it feels like it’s sucking your soul dry…That’s definitely a divine nudge, love. You’ve got to listen to it and move accordingly.
I had a manager in a creative job once, who micromanaged everything, even the intangibles. Their demeanor was domineering, overbearing and rude. I started disassociating, and checking out… I was so tired all the time that at one point I started finishing as much of my work as I could so I could go to bed by 5 p.m. every night. 5 p.m.! It didn’t help.
I woke up every morning tired, bags under my eyes and my body aching in ways that it just should not have been for my age. I needed a shift and felt powerless to even think about it, let alone embark on one. It wasn’t until I took the advice of both my career coach and my therapist to use my voice and begin delving into artistry for myself and not just for a check, that things started to flow and rest came a bit easier little by little.
3. You Keep Making Uncharacteristic Mistakes
You’re normally detail-oriented, reliable, and you’ve got a quick mind and a sharp eye. But lately you’re spacing out, missing steps, forgetting things you’d usually catch. When this happened to me, I thought I was falling apart and started questioning whether or not I was even good at my job (forget the fact that I’d been producing for years at this point and hadn’t needed to apply to a single job in years because people wanted to work with me based off of glowing referrals).
When this happened to me, I thought I was a failure and needed to leave the business quick, fast, and in a hurry. But thank God for my therapist and my career coach (again), I realized those mistakes were only symptoms of a deeper truth: I was no longer creatively or emotionally safe where I was.
And I didn’t need to stick and stay to prove anything to anybody. Sometimes our nervous systems will tap out before we do. We’ve got to learn to lean into the clues so we’re not behind the eight ball when it’s time to move on. There was I was questioning my competence like I had lost my talent, but it wasn’t that at all. It was that I needed a shift. Once I reclaimed my artistry for me, everything began to flow again.
4. Your Peace Shows Up After The Exit
Whether it’s a job, a friendship, a role that you once thought defined you, if you feel relief instead of sadness after stepping away, pay close attention to that. A few years ago I removed myself from a friend group that always left me feeling like an outsider, not unlike one of the jobs mentioned earlier in this article. I had spent so much time trying to feel like I was an insider but at the end of the day I was just stressing myself out more because it never should have been that hard.
I wasn’t a terrible friend, I just wasn’t aligned with the group anymore…and quite possibly never was. There was no dramatic fallout, just a quiet exit. And the peace I felt after leaving that group chat? It was all the confirmation I needed that that season had ended and I was free to embark on a new path, this time to finding friendships where I could show up completely and feel seen and loved completely.
5. You’re Craving More Even If You Can’t Define It Yet
You feel a restlessness that you just can’t seem to shake no matter what you do. You want something different, but you’re not quite sure what. You’ve made vision boards and written out lists or journal entries about what you could do but can’t put your finger on what you should do next. I’m here to tell you that the craving you feel is a sacred one.
I didn’t know exactly what voice acting would offer me when I started on the path to becoming a voice artist and audiobook narrator - I just knew I needed to create in ways and spaces where I felt free.
And saying yes to the desire led to opportunities I never would have imagined and being on the road to becoming a full time voice artist (if I so choose) as well as new joy and clarity. Trust your yearning and get still enough to hear what your next indicated step is because that’s all it’s trying to show you.
6. You’re Being Invited Into a Truer Version of Yourself
Transitions are usually uncomfortable. But the tension in the transition is always pulling you closer to your truth. The jobs that didn’t fit, the people who couldn’t see you, the spaces that dulled your shine - they were all part of the refining process. You’re not failing. You’re evolving. And if you can give yourself grace to evolve without explanation, you just might look back and thank this version of you for not giving up.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
This Is How To Keep 'Holiday Season Stress' From Infecting Your Relationship
Hmph. Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like there is something really weird happening in the fall season air (because winter doesn’t officially begin until December 21) that cuddle season is in full swing while break-up season is as well. In fact, did you know that break-ups are so popular during the holiday season that December 11 is deemed Break-Up Day?
The reasons why relationships shift around this time vary; however, I did both roll my eyes and chuckle when I read that a very popular one is because it’s an easy way to get out of getting one’s significant other a Christmas present. SMDH.
Anyway, I personally think that the less shallow folks out here may contemplate calling things “quits” or they at least distance themselves a bit from their partner (and what I’m referring to is serious relationships) due to all of the stress and strain that oftentimes comes with the holidays whether it be financial, familial, due to their tight schedules or something else.
Listen, I would hate for you and your man to miss the fun and happiness of experiencing this time of year, all because you are so overwhelmed or irritated that you can’t really enjoy it. That’s why I have a few practical tips for how to avoid allowing the typical holiday season stress from INFECTING your relationship.
Manage Your Expectations
GiphyUnmanaged expectations. If there is a main reason why the holiday season tends to be so stress-filled for so many people, I’d bet good money that this is the cause. And when you’re in a long-term relationship, expectations can manifest themselves in all sorts of cryptic and/or unexpected ways. You might have relatives who assume that you are going to be with them for Thanksgiving or Christmas when you have other plans in mind. You might be thinking that you are going to spend one amount for presents while your man is thinking something totally different. When it comes to scheduling, your signals may be crossed.
And you know what? To all of these scenarios, this is where clear and consistent communication come in. Don’t assume anything. Don’t dictate anything either. From now until New Year’s, mutually decide to check in once a week, just to make sure that you are both on the same page as it relates to the holidays and what you both are thinking will come along with it. The less blindsided you both feel, the less stressed out you will be. Trust me on this.
Set (and Keep) a Budget
GiphyOkay, so I read that last year, 36 percent of Americans incurred some type of holiday-related debt. Hmph. Last year, there was still some sense of normalcy in this country, chile, so I can only imagine what finances are gonna look like over the next several weeks. That said, since I don’t know a lot of people who don’t find being broke stressful, make sure that you and your bae set a budget and then stick to it this year — no ifs, ands or buts.
Because really, y’all — it doesn’t make sense to deplete savings and/or max out credit cards for a few days of giggles only to be damn near losing your mind because you don’t know how to make ends meet come Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.
And by the way, this tip doesn’t just speak to things like food and gifts; I also mean travel. If it doesn’t make a ton of sense (or cents) to be all over the place this year — DON’T BE.
Keep Matthew 5:37 at the Forefront
GiphyIf off the top of your head, you don’t know what Matthew 5:37 says, no worries, here ya go: “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ For whatever is more than these is from the evil one.” That verse right there? Oh, it’s a boundaries lifesaver! I say that because do you see “maybe” or “I’ll think about it” in there? Nope. LOL. It says that you should tell people “yes” or “no” and leave it at that — and that complements Anne Lamott’s quote, “’No’ is a complete sentence” impeccably well. Yeah, you’ve got to remember that anything beyond a yes or no to a request is privileged information; you don’t owe anyone details or an explanation.
Besides, if you are really honest with yourself, when someone asks you something and you give a “Umm, let me think about it” kind of reply, more times than not, you already know what your answer is going to be — so why not let you both off of the hook? Give your response. Commit to that. And let everyone (including yourself) get on with their lives and schedules.
I promise you that when it comes to those holiday parties, you are pissing more folks off by not RSVP’ing or doing so and not showing up than just saying, “Thank you but not this year” off the rip.
Remember That Your Personal Space Is Privilege Not a Right
GiphyA friend of mine recently bought a new house and invited me over to come see it. He’s a single man with no children, so as I was taking in all of the space that he had, especially as I walked through his finished basement, I joked about relatives coming to live with him. “Hell no” and “absolutely not” were pretty much his immediate responses as he went on to say that some folks even had the nerve to be offended when he told them that he had no intentions on taking DNA in.
Ain’t it wild how people think that your stuff is their right? And yes, that brings me to my next point. Your home is your sanctuary space. If you want to host folks this year — cool. If not, ALSO COOL. Please don’t let folks (family included) guilt you into how they want you to act or even into what they would do if the shoe was on the other foot. You are not them — and as one of my favorite quotes states, “If two people were exactly alike, one of them would be unnecessary.” (A man by the name Larry Dixon said that.)
Hell, my friends? They know that I am good for sending them random things that they need or even want all throughout the year. Coming over to hang out at my pace, though. Uh-uh. Chalk it up to being a card-carrying member of the ambivert club yet I like keeping my living space personal — and I sleep like a baby, each and every night, for feeling that way.
Always remember that your space, your time, your resources, your energy and shoot, yourself period (including your relationship), are all things that are your own. You get to choose how, when and why you want to share them. The holiday season is certainly no exception.
Cultivate Some “You Two Only” Traditions
GiphyIt’s not uncommon for some couples to hit me up after the holiday season to “detox.” Sometimes it’s due to the financial drama (and sometimes trauma) that they experienced. Sometimes it’s because they allowed their relatives (especially in-laws) to get more into their personal business than they should’ve. More than anything, though, it tends to be because they didn’t get enough quality time together and so ended up feeling “disconnected.”
Please don’t let that happen. Listen, I’m not even a holidays kind of woman and yet, I will absolutely sit myself down with some hot chocolate and chocolate chip cookies to enjoy a Hallmark holiday film or two. Aside from the fact that most of them are lighthearted and sweet, I also like that they usually focus on couples loving on each other amidst all of the holiday beauty and ambiance — which is something that all couples should set aside some time to do.
Maybe it’s a vacation. Maybe it’s a staycation. Or maybe it’s my personal favorite, A SEXCATION. Whether it’s for a few days, the weekend or even overnight — don’t you let the holidays go by without setting aside time for you and your man to celebrate one another. Don’t you dare (check out “Are You Ready To Have Some Very Merry 'Christmas Sex'?”).
GET. SOME. REST.
GiphyI once read that 8 out of 10 people get stressed out over the holidays and 3 out of 10 lose sleep during to it — and when you’re stress-filled and sleep-deprived, that can absolutely lead to hypersensitivity, making mountains out of molehills and even not being in the mood for sex.
Your relationship can’t afford to go through any of this, so definitely make sure to prioritize rest. I don’t care how unrealistic it might seem during this time, sleep should never be seen as a luxury; it will always and forever be a great necessity.
That said, try to get no less than six hours of shut-eye in (check out “6 Fascinating Ways Sex And Sleep Definitely Go Hand In Hand”) and even ask your bae to take a nap with you sometimes (check out “Wanna Have Some Next-Level Sex? Take A Nap, Sis.”). Not only will sleep help to restore your mind, body and spirit but, when it’s with your partner, it’s an act of intimacy that can make you both feel super connected, even in the midst of what might feel like chaos.
___
Holiday season stress is real. Still, never give it the permission or power to throw your relationship off. Put you and your man first and let the holidays be what they are gonna be, chile.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Shutterstock
Kerry Washington Says The Key To Her Signature Glow Lies In Her Wellness Routine
For more than a decade, actress Kerry Washington has lit up our TV screens in her iconic roles from Scandal to Little Fires Everywhere. But like any beloved starlet with so much to balance and maintain in their public and private life, Washington is managing to take a holistic approach to her overall wellness routine.
“I think we put an emphasis on if you look good, you'll feel good. And I think it's the opposite,” Washington tells Yahoo Life. “If I feel good, I'll look good, because I'll shine and I'll put my best foot forward."
Her from-the-inside-out approach to achieving the signature glow we’ve all grown to associate with the wife and mother of three is one that hasn’t come without its challenges. With her busy schedule and list of projects, Washington admits that if there was one thing she’d make more time for, it would be her beauty rest.
"Those are the areas that I find I struggle with more, stress and a lack of sleep,” she says. “So it's really important for me to keep challenging myself to take better care of myself.”
For Washington, self-care looks like taking time to journal her thoughts, attending therapy, meditating, and spending time with people — and pets — that bring her joy and restore her sense of peace after a stressful day.
"That sense of community of being able to be with people who I love and who love me unconditionally, I find that that can sometimes be the greatest stress reliever, and pets," she shares. "I started therapy in college, so decades ago. And it's been a really, really important tool," she explains. "When I engage in behavior that is loving, it can help me feel more loved and lovable."
While these loving behaviors may vary from day to day, Washington says that sprinkling in acts of “love and kindness” has been the key to feeling her best self, all over.
"Sometimes that means pulling myself up, washing my face, putting on sunscreen, and going out the door. And sometimes that's like cocooning in my bubble bath and taking it easy," she says. "Treating myself with love and kindness, especially my skin, my most important organ. That can be a pathway to feeling better."
Featured image by Rob Latour/Shutterstock
Originally published on July 11, 2023









