Many years ago, I was a spokesperson for a particular pageant organization. While in the position, I got asked a lot of questions. If someone had asked me the traditional, "What would you like everyone to have?" I actually would've said something along the lines of, "I'd like everyone to stop settling for being in one-sided relationships." Although world peace is dope, relationships are my lane of interest. Shoot, if more of us stopped settling, world peace would be more attainable anyway because there would be inner peace. Amen? Amen.
Anyway, I thought about my personal wish for mankind when I checked out two skits by an actor named Ms. Sade. One skit showed what happens when a woman finds herself in a one-sided relationship. An example was her and her man being at the gas station, him offering to pump the gas in her car with her credit card, then asking if he can also use it to get something else out of the store. An example of her taking her man for granted is her asking him to use his car, him asking her to put gas in it, her saying "no" (then following that up with announcing that she's going 20 miles away), him asking to borrow her credit card and her looking at him like he's crazy. The skits are funny, but you know what they say—humor makes it easier to digest the truth. Not only that, but if you're like me and you're a survivor of the chronic pattern of being in the kind of relationships where you find yourself doing most of the work, the skits might actually be triggering, too.
It took me many (many) years before I realized that one-sided relationships are totally unhealthy and extremely less than what I deserve. If you agree with that point in theory, but you're still on the fence about whether you're actually in one, there's no time like the present for a red-pill dosage so that the truth can set you free. Ready?
ONE-SIDED SIGN #1: His Expectations Are Met. Yours? Not So Much.
One of the reasons I am such a fan of two people having what I call a "pre-commitment interview" before they get involved with each other is so they both can be on the same page when it comes to their expectations. I didn't come to this conclusion as a result of being a marriage life coach. I figured this out via very personal experience. For example, although I don't observe holidays, something that is a big deal to me is my birthday. It always has been and probably always will be. My crew typically holds me down, but sadly, I can't think of one ex who impressed me on my birthday. Not. One. Meanwhile, ask all of those jokers—I'm sorry, fellas; I just got a little triggered—how I handled their special day of birth. Hmph…hmph and another hmph.
Yeah, I'll be the first to say it. Part of the reason I found myself in one-sided relationships more often than I care to count or recall is because I assumed that what I gave is what I would receive in return; perhaps not exactly but damn—at least somewhere in the general vicinity. And that came out of my making sure that I met their expectations (because I cared enough to ask what made them happy) without requiring that mine be met as well. It really is true that when both people are not interested in what is expected to keep a relationship in a good place, there's a good chance that someone is going to end up doing more of the work; that the relationship is gonna end up being totally one-sided.
ONE-SIDED SIGN #2: The Word 'Selfish' Comes Up a Lot
Personally, I think that one of the most overlooked red flags that someone isn't relationship material is that they are selfish. It is also my belief that a lot of folks overlook this particularly unhealthy trait because they don't really know what to be on the lookout for during the first couple of months of dating. And just what are some indications that someone is truly self-consumed? They have a sense of entitlement. They rarely put themselves in the shoes of others (in order to gain another or different perspective). They don't really do anything for someone unless they can find at least three ways it will benefit them directly. They don't take other people's needs or feelings very seriously. They don't compromise. They always feel the need to be right. Me…me…me; that's what they are about. Ugh.
Aside from the fact that selfish people are hella annoying, another challenge that comes from dealing with them is they don't really find your needs to be all that important. They might say that they do but their actions convey a totally different message. Listen, it doesn't matter if someone is fun to be around or if the sex is totally off the charts, if someone were to come up to you and ask you to define your relationship, and the world "selfish" comes up fairly often, even if/when you try to hide it under the guise of joking—that is no laughing matter. A selfish person can bring pleasure and good times into your life; that is, until it no longer serves them to do so. Then, they're out. If you're hurt in the process, so be it. How can someone be like that? Because anything that they do is all about them and no one else. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? Me neither.
ONE-SIDED #3: There’s Hypocrisy When It Comes to Traditional Gender Roles
Some of y'all are gonna get mad---perhaps even big mad---about this point. That doesn't mean it doesn't need to be made, though. I can't tell you how many times I will hear about, read or have a conversation with a woman who is super offended when a guy asks if she can cook but then turns around and is equally as offended about him not opening doors for her or picking up the tab on every single date that they go on. The way these ladies see it, a guy should provide because "it's a man's job", but a woman needing to cook is ridiculous and chauvinistic. Is it? Or is it that you want gender roles to fit when it works for you and not necessarily for your partner?
Y'all, there's no time to get into the battle of the sexes today. All I'm saying is, if you've got certain expectations from men and it's solely based on "that's what a man is supposed to do", how is that any less sexist than him also having expectations under the definition of traditional female roles in a relationship? Another way to look at this is, if there is a lot of resentment because you want him to "be the man" but you find every feminist book in the world to debate why he's wrong to expect you to fulfill certain roles as a woman, I'm not saying it's right or wrong; only the two of you can determine that. All I'm simply pointing out is picking and choosing when gender roles should apply is another example of two people oftentimes being in a one-sided relationship. Why can't you both pay sometimes and you both sometimes cook? If you looked at the monitor like I was crazy…you just proved my point. (Actually, Aba & Preach recently posted a couple of videos that touch on some of this. One's entitled "Successful Women Are Unhappy That They Have to 'Date Down'"; the other is "Women Should Approach Men. Make the First Move".)
While we're on this point, if your man wants you to cook and clean, but he doesn't even know how to fix a flat—oh, I've been there, girl—that is another example of things being one-sided.
True partnership figures out who excels at what and works together to make sure things run smoothly. Anything else is going to exhaust one or the other. One-sided relationships always do.
ONE-SIDED #4: There Is a Clear Initiator—of Just About Everything
You make most of the check-in calls. You plan most of the dates. You bring up the "So, where is this going?" and "So, what are we doing?" conversations. In fact, when you really stop to think about it, the only time when your man actually does initiate anything, it's when he's tryin' to get some. I think the reason why this particular sign slides by so much is because a lot of us don't think it's that bad that we're the initiator; that's typically because, once things get to going, it's all good. After we call, it's a great conversation. Once we meet up with ole' boy, we have tons of fun with him. When we bring up the state of the relationship, for the most part, he's pretty engaging. Because of this, we tend to rationalize that maybe our man simply needs us to take the lead in this way. Maybe. Or maybe he's just relationally lazy. Or maybe, just maybe, we're so freakin' eager that we don't know how to chill out and let him take the first step sometimes.
Whatever the case may be, what I do know, for an absolute fact, is people make a priority what is a priority. Remember when Ms. Toni Braxton sang back in the day about seven whole days going by and not hearing from her man? I'm willing to bet that if she called, he'd pick up. But since she didn't, well, he found other things to do. That's kind-of the problem. When someone is in a relationship with another person, they should want to take initiative to participate in keeping the connections strong. If they're fine with not doing so, that's having a detached mentality. They're allowing someone to pull the weight on both sides. And any guy—any human being, period—who is cool with that, they are someone who is all good with being in a one-sided relationship. And that's never good.
ONE-SIDED #5: Mutuality and Reciprocity Are Foreign Concepts
On the relationship tip, there's no doubt about it. Two of my favorite words are mutuality and reciprocity. Mutuality is awesome because of a key word that's found in its definition—"possessed, experienced, performed, etc., by each of two or more with respect to the other; reciprocal".
Did you catch it? When something is mutual, things are experienced and performed because the two people involved respect one another. You know what that boils down to—if you are in a relationship where you are doing most of the work, I don't care how much he claims to care about you, there is a lack of respect for you and the relationship going on.
As far as reciprocity goes, a wise person once said, "How they treat you is how they feel about you." If the person you are with isn't proactively making sure that you are satisfied and fulfilled, I don't care what they've got to say; what they are showing you is that your happiness doesn't matter all that much. Meanwhile, by you going out of your way to make sure they're good, you're showing them that they matter…a lot. How can a relationship that lacks respect and mutual giving be beneficial or anything but one-sided?
ONE-SIDED #6: Being Unhappy in the Relationship Somehow Seems Better than Being Happy Alone
Boy, just when I thought I'd heard it all, an episode of Divorce Court that showed up in my YouTube feed reminded me I hadn't. This particular couple included a guy who would bring women he'd slept with to the house he shared with his girlfriend. How was he able to pull that off? He told her they were his cousins. (This guy.) In response, his girlfriend was out there following him around, breaking her own car window and crying all of the time. When Judge Lynn Toler asked her why she'd put up with him and his foolishness for five years, the young lady said, "Because that's all I know. I don't know nobody else…I love him, and I don't want to start over." (Chile.) The judge's response was priceless: "I can have a disease for five years, but I still want to get rid of it. I'm used to the disease. I know what it's like. I know the pain that it brings me. But I still want to get cured. You need to get cured of this particular disease." Yes.
Some of us settle for one-sided relationships because we're afraid to be alone. And we're afraid to be alone because—please catch this—we're not in a relationship with our own damn self. If you're settling because you don't want to start over, or you're afraid to be by yourself, or you're worried that you won't find better—do yourself a big favor and start putting as much effort into your own self-care as you do into that relationship of yours. I can pretty much guarantee you that the more you become your own friend, the less you'll want to be around anyone who doesn't see your value and honor it; the more you'd rather enjoy the pleasure of your own company as a single woman than to be drained by some dude who only wants something one-sided.
I say it all of the time. At the root of relationship, there's the word "relate". If a man is not relating to your needs and feelings, you're in something one-sided and you need something more and better. The sooner you let the weight of one-sidedness go, the closer you'll be to getting with something more. There's no time like the present, sis. Give to yourself what you've been giving to him all of this time. Then watch how the Universe reacts. Just. You. Watch.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship
Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
I Broke Up With My Boyfriend After Four Years And A Year Later He Became The Love Of My Life
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (firstname.lastname@example.org) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley Is In Her Element
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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The 7 Best Tina Turner Quotes About Love, Life, And Legacy
The world has become a little less brighter following the loss of the indomitable force known as Tina Turner.
The legendary singer --who was crowned the Queen of Rock 'N' Roll after captivating many hearts for six decades with her electrifying raspy voice, explosive dance moves, empowering life story, and much more-- died on May 24 at the age of 83 after battling a long illness. Turner's passing was confirmed in a statement released by the star's publicist Bernard Doherty.
In a statement to People magazine, Doherty revealed that Turner had "died peacefully" in her home in Switzerland, which she shared with her husband, music producer Erwin Bach. Doherty also announced that a private funeral service would be held at an undisclosed date for Turner's close family and friends.
"Tina Turner, the 'Queen of Rock'n' Roll,' has died peacefully today at the age of 83 after a long illness in her home in Küsnacht near Zurich, Switzerland. With her, the world loses a music legend and a role model. There will be a private funeral ceremony attended by close friends and family. Please respect the privacy of her family at this difficult time," the statement read.
Photo by Harry Langdon/Getty Images
In addition to the public statement, Turner's passing was also confirmed on her social media accounts. Although, at the time, details surrounding Turner's cause of death were limited, it was ultimately revealed that the "River Deep Mountain High" songstress passed away from natural causes. This comes years after Turner underwent a kidney transplant, which her husband donated, and suffering from various health issues. The list included high blood pressure, stroke, and intestinal cancer.
As the news circulated online, many of Turner's close friends and fans paid homage to the icon by expressing how much she meant to them. The list included Angela Bassett --who played Turner in the 1993 film What's Love Got To Do With It-- Beyoncé, Dionne Warwick, Mariah Carey, Ciara, and longtime friend Oprah Winfrey.
In an Instagram post, Winfrey recounted how her friendship with Turner started. The 69-year-old explained that she was a massive fan of the "Proud Mary" vocalist, and upon meeting, the pair's bond would blossom into a decades-long sisterhood.
During that time, Winfrey shared that she was in awe of Turner's resilience from her past childhood traumas and being abandoned by both her parents to how she overcame her violent relationship with ex-husband Ike Turner. The former television host added that Turner's ability to preserve through life's hardships inspired an entire nation.
"I started out as a fan of Tina Turner, then a full-on groupie, following her from show to show around the country, and then, eventually, we became real friends. She is our forever goddess of rock 'n' roll who contained a magnitude of inner strength that grew throughout her life. She was a role model not only for me but for the world. She encouraged a part of me I didn't know existed," Winfrey wrote while honoring her longtime friend.
Photo by Rob Verhorst/Redferns
"Once she claimed her freedom from years of domestic abuse, her life became a clarion call for triumph. I'm grateful for her courage, for showing us what victory looks like wearing Manolo's and a leather miniskirt."
Winfrey wrapped up her words by recalling her conversation with Turner regarding death. The Oprah Winfrey Show host revealed that Turner embraced it because "she had learned how to live surrounded by her beloved husband, Erwin, and friends."
"She once shared with me that when her time came to leave this earth, she would not be afraid, but excited and curious. Because she had learned how to LIVE surrounded by her beloved husband, Erwin, and friends. I am a better woman, a better human, because her life touched mine. She was indeed simply the best," Winfrey stated.
With Turner's untimely death, the "What's Love Got To Do With It" singer leaves behind an immaculate career spanning over 60 years. Alongside her countless hit songs, Turner's past accolades consist of eight Grammy Awards, a Grammy Lifetime Achievement Award, and a Grammy Hall of Fame for three of her songs.
"The Best" songstress' other achievements included Turner earning her own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, becoming a double inductee in the Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame once in 1991 with Ike Turner, and again in 2021 as a solo artist, etc.
Turner is survived by her husband, Erwin Bach, many friends, and fans. Turner had four sons, two of whom she adopted while married to Ike. Her biological sons, Craig and Ronnie, both sadly passed away in recent years. To date, it is unclear if Turner has mended her relationship with her two adopted sons, who belonged to her ex-husband Ike Turner.
Turner’s music has impacted many people thanks to the beautiful storytelling and powerful words. In honor of Turner's legacy, xoNecole is looking back at her most memorable quotes on life, love, aging, and beauty over the years.
Photo by Michael Ochs Archives/Getty Images
Tina On Life
"If you are unhappy with anything…Whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self, comes out."
-via 1986 interview with Ebony magazine.
Tina On Love
"He [Erwin] shows me that true love doesn't require the dimming of my light so that he can shine. On the contrary, we are the light of each other's lives, and we want to shine as bright as we can, together."
via Turner's book, Happiness Becomes You: A Guide to Changing Your Life for Good.
Tina On Her Greatest Beauty Secret
"My greatest beauty secret is being happy with myself. It's a mistake to think you are what you put on yourself. I believe that a lot of how you look has to do with how you feel about yourself and your life."
-via 2016 interview with Woman & Homemagazine.
Tina Turner - What's Love Got To Do With It (Official Music Video)
Tina On Aging
"Fifty is the new 30. Seventy is the new 50. There are no rules that say you have to dress a certain way, or be a certain way. We are living in exciting times for women. Keep up with fashion, keep up with your figure and the clothes you wear. If you look good and you can still do it, then go and do it. I have never worried about age."
-via 2009 interview with the Daily Express.
Tina On Death
"Even when it's time to go and leave to another planet, I'm excited about that because I'm curious to know what it is about. Nobody can tell you because nobody has come back. I'm not excited to die, but I don't regret it when it's time for me. I've done what I came here to do. Now is [time for] pleasure. I've got great friends. I have a great man in my life now. I have a great husband, and I'm happy."
-via 2013 interview with Oprah Winfrey.
Tina On The Legacy She's Leaving Behind
"My legacy is that I stayed on course from the beginning to the end because I believed in something inside of me that told me that it can get better…So my legacy is a person that strived for wanting it better and got it."
-via 2013 Oprah interview.
Tina On How She Would Want To Be Remembered
"As the Queen of Rock 'N' Roll. As a woman who showed other women that it is OK to strive for success on their own terms."
via April 2023 interview with The Guardian.
Although xoNecole and the world are mourning the loss of the incredible Tina Turner, it is humbling to know that she accomplished so many things, personally and professionally, during her time here and continues to show why she was, in fact, "simply the best," even after death.
We will miss you, Queen. Rest in Power!
Tina Turner - The Best (Official Music Video)
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Feature image by Paul Natkin/Getty Images