Many years ago, I was a spokesperson for a particular pageant organization. While in the position, I got asked a lot of questions. If someone had asked me the traditional, "What would you like everyone to have?" I actually would've said something along the lines of, "I'd like everyone to stop settling for being in one-sided relationships." Although world peace is dope, relationships are my lane of interest. Shoot, if more of us stopped settling, world peace would be more attainable anyway because there would be inner peace. Amen? Amen.
Anyway, I thought about my personal wish for mankind when I checked out two skits by an actor named Ms. Sade. One skit showed what happens when a woman finds herself in a one-sided relationship. An example was her and her man being at the gas station, him offering to pump the gas in her car with her credit card, then asking if he can also use it to get something else out of the store. An example of her taking her man for granted is her asking him to use his car, him asking her to put gas in it, her saying "no" (then following that up with announcing that she's going 20 miles away), him asking to borrow her credit card and her looking at him like he's crazy. The skits are funny, but you know what they say—humor makes it easier to digest the truth. Not only that, but if you're like me and you're a survivor of the chronic pattern of being in the kind of relationships where you find yourself doing most of the work, the skits might actually be triggering, too.
It took me many (many) years before I realized that one-sided relationships are totally unhealthy and extremely less than what I deserve. If you agree with that point in theory, but you're still on the fence about whether you're actually in one, there's no time like the present for a red-pill dosage so that the truth can set you free. Ready?
ONE-SIDED SIGN #1: His Expectations Are Met. Yours? Not So Much.
One of the reasons I am such a fan of two people having what I call a "pre-commitment interview" before they get involved with each other is so they both can be on the same page when it comes to their expectations. I didn't come to this conclusion as a result of being a marriage life coach. I figured this out via very personal experience. For example, although I don't observe holidays, something that is a big deal to me is my birthday. It always has been and probably always will be. My crew typically holds me down, but sadly, I can't think of one ex who impressed me on my birthday. Not. One. Meanwhile, ask all of those jokers—I'm sorry, fellas; I just got a little triggered—how I handled their special day of birth. Hmph…hmph and another hmph.
Yeah, I'll be the first to say it. Part of the reason I found myself in one-sided relationships more often than I care to count or recall is because I assumed that what I gave is what I would receive in return; perhaps not exactly but damn—at least somewhere in the general vicinity. And that came out of my making sure that I met their expectations (because I cared enough to ask what made them happy) without requiring that mine be met as well. It really is true that when both people are not interested in what is expected to keep a relationship in a good place, there's a good chance that someone is going to end up doing more of the work; that the relationship is gonna end up being totally one-sided.
ONE-SIDED SIGN #2: The Word 'Selfish' Comes Up a Lot
Personally, I think that one of the most overlooked red flags that someone isn't relationship material is that they are selfish. It is also my belief that a lot of folks overlook this particularly unhealthy trait because they don't really know what to be on the lookout for during the first couple of months of dating. And just what are some indications that someone is truly self-consumed? They have a sense of entitlement. They rarely put themselves in the shoes of others (in order to gain another or different perspective). They don't really do anything for someone unless they can find at least three ways it will benefit them directly. They don't take other people's needs or feelings very seriously. They don't compromise. They always feel the need to be right. Me…me…me; that's what they are about. Ugh.
Aside from the fact that selfish people are hella annoying, another challenge that comes from dealing with them is they don't really find your needs to be all that important. They might say that they do but their actions convey a totally different message. Listen, it doesn't matter if someone is fun to be around or if the sex is totally off the charts, if someone were to come up to you and ask you to define your relationship, and the world "selfish" comes up fairly often, even if/when you try to hide it under the guise of joking—that is no laughing matter. A selfish person can bring pleasure and good times into your life; that is, until it no longer serves them to do so. Then, they're out. If you're hurt in the process, so be it. How can someone be like that? Because anything that they do is all about them and no one else. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you? Me neither.
ONE-SIDED #3: There’s Hypocrisy When It Comes to Traditional Gender Roles
Some of y'all are gonna get mad---perhaps even big mad---about this point. That doesn't mean it doesn't need to be made, though. I can't tell you how many times I will hear about, read or have a conversation with a woman who is super offended when a guy asks if she can cook but then turns around and is equally as offended about him not opening doors for her or picking up the tab on every single date that they go on. The way these ladies see it, a guy should provide because "it's a man's job", but a woman needing to cook is ridiculous and chauvinistic. Is it? Or is it that you want gender roles to fit when it works for you and not necessarily for your partner?
Y'all, there's no time to get into the battle of the sexes today. All I'm saying is, if you've got certain expectations from men and it's solely based on "that's what a man is supposed to do", how is that any less sexist than him also having expectations under the definition of traditional female roles in a relationship? Another way to look at this is, if there is a lot of resentment because you want him to "be the man" but you find every feminist book in the world to debate why he's wrong to expect you to fulfill certain roles as a woman, I'm not saying it's right or wrong; only the two of you can determine that. All I'm simply pointing out is picking and choosing when gender roles should apply is another example of two people oftentimes being in a one-sided relationship. Why can't you both pay sometimes and you both sometimes cook? If you looked at the monitor like I was crazy…you just proved my point. (Actually, Aba & Preach recently posted a couple of videos that touch on some of this. One's entitled "Successful Women Are Unhappy That They Have to 'Date Down'"; the other is "Women Should Approach Men. Make the First Move".)
While we're on this point, if your man wants you to cook and clean, but he doesn't even know how to fix a flat—oh, I've been there, girl—that is another example of things being one-sided.
True partnership figures out who excels at what and works together to make sure things run smoothly. Anything else is going to exhaust one or the other. One-sided relationships always do.
ONE-SIDED #4: There Is a Clear Initiator—of Just About Everything
You make most of the check-in calls. You plan most of the dates. You bring up the "So, where is this going?" and "So, what are we doing?" conversations. In fact, when you really stop to think about it, the only time when your man actually does initiate anything, it's when he's tryin' to get some. I think the reason why this particular sign slides by so much is because a lot of us don't think it's that bad that we're the initiator; that's typically because, once things get to going, it's all good. After we call, it's a great conversation. Once we meet up with ole' boy, we have tons of fun with him. When we bring up the state of the relationship, for the most part, he's pretty engaging. Because of this, we tend to rationalize that maybe our man simply needs us to take the lead in this way. Maybe. Or maybe he's just relationally lazy. Or maybe, just maybe, we're so freakin' eager that we don't know how to chill out and let him take the first step sometimes.
Whatever the case may be, what I do know, for an absolute fact, is people make a priority what is a priority. Remember when Ms. Toni Braxton sang back in the day about seven whole days going by and not hearing from her man? I'm willing to bet that if she called, he'd pick up. But since she didn't, well, he found other things to do. That's kind-of the problem. When someone is in a relationship with another person, they should want to take initiative to participate in keeping the connections strong. If they're fine with not doing so, that's having a detached mentality. They're allowing someone to pull the weight on both sides. And any guy—any human being, period—who is cool with that, they are someone who is all good with being in a one-sided relationship. And that's never good.
ONE-SIDED #5: Mutuality and Reciprocity Are Foreign Concepts
On the relationship tip, there's no doubt about it. Two of my favorite words are mutuality and reciprocity. Mutuality is awesome because of a key word that's found in its definition—"possessed, experienced, performed, etc., by each of two or more with respect to the other; reciprocal".
Did you catch it? When something is mutual, things are experienced and performed because the two people involved respect one another. You know what that boils down to—if you are in a relationship where you are doing most of the work, I don't care how much he claims to care about you, there is a lack of respect for you and the relationship going on.
As far as reciprocity goes, a wise person once said, "How they treat you is how they feel about you." If the person you are with isn't proactively making sure that you are satisfied and fulfilled, I don't care what they've got to say; what they are showing you is that your happiness doesn't matter all that much. Meanwhile, by you going out of your way to make sure they're good, you're showing them that they matter…a lot. How can a relationship that lacks respect and mutual giving be beneficial or anything but one-sided?
ONE-SIDED #6: Being Unhappy in the Relationship Somehow Seems Better than Being Happy Alone
Boy, just when I thought I'd heard it all, an episode of Divorce Court that showed up in my YouTube feed reminded me I hadn't. This particular couple included a guy who would bring women he'd slept with to the house he shared with his girlfriend. How was he able to pull that off? He told her they were his cousins. (This guy.) In response, his girlfriend was out there following him around, breaking her own car window and crying all of the time. When Judge Lynn Toler asked her why she'd put up with him and his foolishness for five years, the young lady said, "Because that's all I know. I don't know nobody else…I love him, and I don't want to start over." (Chile.) The judge's response was priceless: "I can have a disease for five years, but I still want to get rid of it. I'm used to the disease. I know what it's like. I know the pain that it brings me. But I still want to get cured. You need to get cured of this particular disease." Yes.
Some of us settle for one-sided relationships because we're afraid to be alone. And we're afraid to be alone because—please catch this—we're not in a relationship with our own damn self. If you're settling because you don't want to start over, or you're afraid to be by yourself, or you're worried that you won't find better—do yourself a big favor and start putting as much effort into your own self-care as you do into that relationship of yours. I can pretty much guarantee you that the more you become your own friend, the less you'll want to be around anyone who doesn't see your value and honor it; the more you'd rather enjoy the pleasure of your own company as a single woman than to be drained by some dude who only wants something one-sided.
I say it all of the time. At the root of relationship, there's the word "relate". If a man is not relating to your needs and feelings, you're in something one-sided and you need something more and better. The sooner you let the weight of one-sidedness go, the closer you'll be to getting with something more. There's no time like the present, sis. Give to yourself what you've been giving to him all of this time. Then watch how the Universe reacts. Just. You. Watch.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
This Is How To Feel Emotionally Safe In Your Relationship
Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner
Why You're Always The One Who Prepares A Man For His Wife
I Broke Up With My Boyfriend After Four Years And A Year Later He Became The Love Of My Life
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
The James Room’s Co-Owner Justin Miller On Inclusive Nightlife & Atlanta’s Growing Cultural Scene
The career path we choose sometimes presents itself to us during our childhood. One entrepreneur's desire to maintain and run his own business began around age 12.
Justin Miller, one half of the duo responsible for running Atlanta’s premiere gathering place, The James Room, began his entrepreneurial pursuits by selling his drawings at school.
“I think I was always an entrepreneur,” he tells xoNecole during an interview for Hyundai’s Best In Class series, highlighting entrepreneurs making a difference through their businesses who also happen to be HBCU alumni.
“I just had different hustles, as they call them, growing up. When I went to law school, that was my first big entrepreneurship. I started my own law firm right after law school in 2006, and I’ve been an adult entrepreneur ever since.”
Alongside his business partner, Harold “Poncho” Brinkley, Miller and his team aim to fill a niche that hasn’t been seen before in Atlanta—an upscale lounge environment that is diverse and in alignment with what is currently available to patrons in cities like New York, Los Angeles, or Chicago. Located in Atlanta’s Krog Street District, The James Room offers a wide range of entertainment. From weekly events like live music on Tuesdays, slow jams by a live DJ set on Wednesdays, and b-side vibes on Saturdays.
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta,” Miller explains. “People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
"The James Room fills that niche, and Poncho and I, when we started thinking about getting into this field, both of us enjoyed that type of thing. We both enjoyed environments where people are together and enjoying each other’s company, and it’s not separated by Black and white or age, that kind of thing, more just people who enjoy good, fun stuff.”
“People are a little bit segregated in Atlanta. People party separately. People hang out separately. So, we wanted to create a space where everyone could come together and enjoy life because we all love the same things, and there shouldn’t really be separation when people are trying to relax and have fun.
As a product of Morehouse College, Miller also shared how being a graduate of a historically Black college or university (HBCU) has played a significant role in his work as an entrepreneur.
“My network started from, of course, Morehouse, and then branched off to Clark Atlanta, Morris Brown, Spelman, those schools close to Morehouse,” says Miller. “When I was there and made the connections that you need to be an entrepreneur, I think that the network you get when you go to an HBCU is second to none for anybody, but especially a Black person trying to start their own business.”
He adds, “The network you get at Morehouse for a Black man is even double because it’s like becoming a member of the network and a member of a fraternity simultaneously. So you can reach out to people vertically and horizontally, and you all share the same background in a certain way, so people will listen to you that normally would not.”
By day, Miller’s passion for law shines brightly through his work at his law firm, Stewart Miller Simmons, which he and a few friends started with a people-first mindset. One of their first big cases involved representing the daughter of George Floyd after he was murdered by Minneapolis police officers in 2020.
In addition to that high-profile case, Miller shares that the team has also represented the family of Rayshard Brooks, the young Black man who was killed by police in front of an Atlanta Wendy’s restaurant. They’ve also represented the mother of Ahmaud Arbery, the 25-year-old who was killed by two white men while jogging in a neighborhood near Brunswick in Glynn County, Georgia.
“We have some of the biggest cases in the world,” says Miller, reflecting on the nature of his business within the law field. “But my passion, the thing that I love the most, is doing things like The James Room, being able to create things where I can go myself and decompress, So I know if I like it in the environment, it’s good, and it’s relaxing for me, I know it will be for everyone else. This is one of my driving forces.”
Miller’s biggest lesson as a business owner, especially regarding The James Room, is that "you can really have whatever you want.”
“You can do whatever you want. It just requires a commensurate amount of work,” says Miller. It’s completely up to you. If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
When it comes to the legacy that he and Poncho aim to leave behind with The James Room, the sentiment is simple: They want the business to be remembered as providing a different type of space in Atlanta.
"If you outwork yourself, you will receive everything you want. If you don’t, then you’re going to see where you’re going to stay and where your business will stay. I played basketball in college, and after that, I learned that you have to work. I didn’t know that same philosophy worked in business the same exact way, but it does.”
“I don’t want it to be the last of that type of space or one of the few of that type of space. I’d like it to be the beginning of those types of spaces in the city,” Miller notes. “Atlanta is growing. It’s now very multicultural because I am from here. My family’s from Atlanta. I grew up between Athens and Atlanta, Georgia. So I’ve seen Atlanta grow from where it used to be to what it is now.”
“I want the legacy of The James Room to be as Atlanta grows into the multicultural, big city that it is turning into, that the nightlife also corresponds and gives people options other than hookah and chicken wings. There’s nothing wrong with hookah and chicken wings, but you should have other options… sometimes you might just want an espresso martini.”
As their business continues to serve young professionals and creatives alike, Miller and Poncho take pride in continuously creating a place where everyone can come together, mix, and mingle, but in a more relaxed setting where everyone’s story can be heard.
“What I would ultimately like to see for The James Room is it being a nationwide brand. A brand where you could put a James Room in Houston, or you could put a James Room in Nashville,” Miller concludes. “You could put a James Room anywhere because all these places need this type of nightlife. Also, the entrepreneurs there, the people doing the nightlife there, need to see that this thing can work.”
He adds, “We have a proof of concept, and I believe the world needs to see and have it. I am a person who believes that more is better. So if you have more people putting this kind of entertainment out for consumption, you’ll have more people who have choices and more people who can enjoy themselves differently than what’s normally offered to them in their city.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image @jmilleresq/ Instagram