
The older I get, the more I am realizing that dating isn't for the faint of heart, or the ill-equipped. Despite swearing off dating to go on sabbatical, I ended up waving my Hot Girl Summer freak flag pretty proudly as I found myself going on quite a few first dates. The song and dance was the same. Girl meets boy over dating app by swiping right, we converse for about a week, and decide to go on a date. Sparks fly for one party but I'm left slightly underwhelmed. And the connection is started and stopped there.
I was today-years-old when I realized that the root of my dating issues and hot and cold feelings towards people I felt lukewarm about was, in essence, a result of not knowing what I want because of standards that were too easily met by any human walking this earth with a job and some coins to rub together. Sure, I know that I'd love to be married one day, but in order to get to that destination, I have to at least be headed in the right direction.
The problem was I had no real direction.
Shannon Boodram, who commonly goes by "Shan Boody", is on a mission to empower those willing to learn with the tools to acquire anything they want. In the world according to Shan, the power to have the life you desire is by playing the game effectively, and you can't do that without work or knowledge. In her new book, The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance--and Getting What You Want, Shannon presents us with a relationship self-help book like no other that walks us through the different layers of how to level up and operate as our best selves in the digital dating era.
Dating with dominance is about taking your pleasure into your own hands and Shannon teaches us how to do this by passing on knowledge she's acquired about seduction, influence, connection, and flirting based off of 13 years of studying love and relationships as a sex/love expert. "Through that work and some of the books that I read, I was really able to transform my dating life," she shares exclusively with xoNecole. "From 30 until I got married, my love life, my ability to connect, the quality connections I was making had completely done a 180 and the Game of Desire is basically the same thought-child of all of these great books about psychology that really did help transform me."
Bottom line, you can do all the dating in the world, but if you let the wrong players stay in the game when you know they should be on the bench or dropped completely when their stats don't match up to your requirements, you are doing you, your time, and your players a huge disservice.
To remedy that issue, one of the many aspects of connection The Game of Desire touches on is the concept of a Frozen Five, the new standard for standards, which by all accounts is an absolute dating game-changer.
Here's why:
WTF is a Frozen Five?
Shannon defines a "Frozen Five" as the five standards a person must meet in order to qualify in your life as a potential long-term connection. The concept acts as a marker for what you allow in your space and what you deem deserving of your effort and energy. Shannon likened the fact that the "five" are deemed "frozen" due to the fact that they are non-negotiable and therefore should be regarded as basic requirements.
"Basic requirements means, 'Do not apply if you don't have this shit,'" she explains. "This is what you are going to require at minimum to be eligible to be considered for this opportunity [of dating me], and your Frozen Five is exactly that. Here's what is required of you at minimum to partner with me."
An Effective Frozen Five vs. Ineffective Frozen Five
The difference between an effective Frozen Five and an ineffective Frozen Five sometimes are "ideals". Therefore, Shannon believes an effective Frozen Five summarizes what you need in order to be successful with you, meaning choosing a partner that makes you proud to be you, while an ineffective Frozen Five means choosing a partner that you would be proud to be with.
"Idealistically, sure I would like a partner who makes seven figures. But if I really think about what satisfies me in a relationship and what makes me my best self—the version of me that I love being when I go to bed at night and I'm like, 'Today was a great day. I love to being me today'—the way that somebody looks and how much money they make could be cool things, but actually they're not that important to me."
She continues, "What's more important is that I'm with a partner who uplifts and supports me, and just part of my Frozen Five is I need somebody who's supportive of my work and of my good news; somebody who makes me feel proud of the accomplishments I made. I also need somebody who is securely attached because I'm a very flirtatious person and if I'm in a relationship with somebody who is helicoptering over, and you're telling me what not to do, it really gets my defenses up and it makes me very angsty; I can't enjoy my life or be my full expression of me in that kind of relationship. So as much as yes, it would be great to have somebody who makes a ton of money and looks really great and is going to be a handyman around the house, in truth, those things are bonuses versus integral."
How to Create Your Frozen Five
The Frozen Five's origin stems from The Science of Happily Ever After by Dr. Ty Tashiro, a book that inspired Shannon to compile a list of 26 traits that are essential to any romantic bond. What constitutes as your Frozen Five might vastly differ from person to person, but the purpose is to define your personal five by arranging the list of 26 things from most important to least important. To narrow your list down to your Frozen Five, play around with the order by writing them down on a piece of paper or on index cards and shuffle them around.
The list is as follows:
- Agreeable (easy to get along with)
- Emotionally stable
- Securely attached
- High novelty-seeking
- Supportive/happy for good news
- Intelligent
- Physically attractive
- Takes responsibility for self
- Unlikely to withdraw
- Has similar interests
- Has similar values
- Speaks my love language
- Good life skills (cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc.)
- Wants children
- Sexually compatible
- Financially well-off
- Charming/humorous
- Trustworthy
- Faithful
- Strong leadership skills
- Follows directions/allows others to take the lead
- Highly ambitious
- Independent thinker
- Compatible with my friends and family
- Excellent conflict-resolution skills
- Has good relationships with others
- Speaks my apology language
Of note, there is always freedom to move things around, to shift, and make adjustments as you see fit while you get out there and explore. You can potentially value one thing more in this phase of your life than you do another in the next two months. So although the term is "Frozen Five", don't feel like your values are immovable.
Just like love languages, apology languages, and attachment styles, these things are subject to change as you learn, grow, and experience more life and love. "You're not making a solid set in stone list. This is not the 10 commandments that cannot change. This is going to evolve as you evolve and you can do this as many times as you want to," Shannon echoed.
What I found interesting is that before reading this book, I had been doing my standards all the way wrong. Whereas I thought things like my partner having a good job, having a car, being able to afford to date me were all important things to me, or standards if you will, I realized through reading Shannon's breakdown that it wasn't specific enough and could essentially be a one-size-fits-all where any guy that applied could have an opportunity to be with me. Furthermore, when I did my own list, "financially well-off" was way down the list.
In order to gain clarity about my direction in dating and finding meaningful connections and partnerships was to think about the things that established a foundation for a relationship and thereby relational happiness for me. Those things are as follows:
- Faithfulness
- Sexual compatibility
- Speaks my love language
- Supportive/happy for my good news
- High novelty-seeking
All other applicants need not apply.
If you want to find out more about Frozen Five and how to create the second step of this exercise, be sure to cop Shannon's book The Game of Desire, out now. And follow her on Instagram.
Featured image by Maya Washington for Shan Boodram/Instagram
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Exclusive: Viral It Girl Kayla Nicole Is Reclaiming The Mic—And The Narrative
It’s nice to have a podcast when you’re constantly trending online. One week after setting timelines ablaze on Halloween, Kayla Nicole released an episode of her Dear Media pop culture podcast, The Pre-Game, where she took listeners behind the scenes of her viral costume.
The 34-year-old had been torn between dressing up as Beyoncé or Toni Braxton, she says in the episode. She couldn’t decide which version of Bey she’d be, though. Two days before the holiday, she locked in her choice, filming a short recreation of Braxton’s “He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me” music video that has since garnered nearly 6.5M views on TikTok.
Kayla Nicole says she wore a dress that was once worn by Braxton herself for the Halloween costume. “It’s not a secret Toni is more on the petite side. I’m obsessed with all 5’2” of her,” she tells xoNecole via email. “But I’m 5’10'' and not missing any meals, honey, so to my surprise, when I got the dress and it actually fit, I knew it was destiny.”
The episode was the perfect way for the multihyphenate to take control of her own narrative. By addressing the viral moment on her own platform, she was able to stir the conversation and keep the focus on her adoration for Braxton, an artist she says she grew up listening to and who still makes her most-played playlist every year. Elsewhere, she likely would’ve received questions about whether or not the costume was a subliminal aimed at her ex-boyfriend and his pop star fiancée. “I think that people will try to project their own narratives, right?” she said, hinting at this in the episode. “But, for me personally – I think it’s very important to say this in this moment – I’m not in the business of tearing other women down. I’m in the business of celebrating them.”
Kayla Nicole is among xoNecole’s It Girl 100 Class of 2025, powered by SheaMoisture, recognized in the Viral Voices category for her work in media and the trends she sets on our timelines, all while prioritizing her own mental and physical health. As she puts it: “Yes, I’m curating conversations on my podcast The Pre-Game, and cultivating community with my wellness brand Tribe Therepē.”
Despite being the frequent topic of conversation online, Kayla Nicole says she’s learning to take advantage of her growing social media platform without becoming consumed by it. “I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out,” she says.
On The Pre-Game, which launched earlier this year, she has positioned herself as listeners “homegirl.” “There’s definitely a delicate dance between being genuine and oversharing, and I’ve had to learn that the hard way. Now I share from a place of reflection, not reaction,” she says. “If it can help someone feel seen or less alone, I’ll talk about it within reason. But I’ve certainly learned to protect parts of my life that I cherish most. I share what serves connection but doesn’t cost me peace.
"I refuse to let the internet consume me. It’s supposed to be a resource and tool for connection, so if it becomes anything beyond that I will log out."

Credit: Malcolm Roberson
Throughout each episode, she sips a cocktail and addresses trending topics (even when they involve herself). It’s a platform the Pepperdine University alumnus has been preparing to have since she graduated with a degree in broadcast journalism, with a concentration in political science.
“I just knew I was going to end up on a local news network at the head anchor table, breaking high speed chases, and tossing it to the weather girl,” she says. Instead, she ended up working as an assistant at TMZ before covering sports as a freelance reporter. (She’s said she didn’t work for ESPN, despite previous reports saying otherwise.) The Pre-Game combines her love for pop culture and sports in a way that once felt inaccessible to her in traditional media.
She’s not just a podcaster, though. When she’s not behind the mic, taking acting classes or making her New York Fashion Week debut, Kayla Nicole is also busy elevating her wellness brand Tribe Therepē, where she shares her workouts and the workout equipment that helps her look chic while staying fit. She says the brand will add apparel to its line up in early 2026.
“Tribe Therepē has evolved into exactly what I have always envisioned. A community of women who care about being fit not just for the aesthetic, but for their mental and emotional well-being too. It’s grounded. It’s feminine. It’s strong,” she says. “And honestly, it's a reflection of where I am in my life right now. I feel so damn good - mentally, emotionally, and physically. And I am grateful to be in a space where I can pour that love and light back into the community that continues to pour into me.”
Tap into the full It Girl 100 Class of 2025 and meet all the women changing game this year and beyond. See the full list here.
Featured image by Malcolm Roberson
There is a very specific reason why I decided to write this article before the holiday season officially gets underway. It’s because I once read a study that said it’s quite common for most Americans to double the amount of alcohol that they consume between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day.
It makes sense when you stop to think about all of the holiday parties, time off, and moments spent with loved ones that transpire around this time of year. And while there is certainly nothing wrong with enjoying some mulled wine, real-deal eggnog, or peppermint martinis, because your health is something that never “takes a vacation,” I thought it was important to share with you some of the benefits (pros) and challenges (cons) that can arise from alcohol consumption.
My main motive? Mostly, I hope that it will serve as a solid reminder to embrace all of the things that you adore about this time of year, so long as you do it in moderation and you weigh the costs.
Especially as far as drinking alcohol is concerned.
PRO: Manages Blood Sugar Levels
GiphyHere’s something that you may have never seen coming. Were you aware of the fact that alcohol can actually help to stabilize your blood sugar? Yep, according to the American Diabetes Association, so long as you leave it to no more than 1-2 cocktails a day, alcohol may be able to lower your A1C levels. Pretty cool, right?
CON: It’s a Carcinogen
GiphyAlcohol is a carcinogen. The reason why this should somewhat alarm you is because carcinogens are things (like tobacco, UV rays, processed meats, etc.) that can increase your chances of being diagnosed with cancer (especially mouth, throat, esophagus, stomach and breast cancer). There are various ways this happens including the fact that alcohol, specifically, can hinder your body from breaking down certain nutrients, it can cause your estrogen levels to spike and alcohol can also cause certain toxins to damage your DNA and certain bodily proteins over time.
PRO: Cultivates Euphoric Feelings
GiphyIf you find yourself feeling more euphoric while you’re enjoying a drink, it’s not all up in your head. Although, for the more part, alcohol is considered to be a depressant, when consumed in small amounts, it can provide a stimulant effect. This happens due to the fact that when you first start to consume alcohol, it causes the production of the feel-good hormone known as dopamine to increase — and since dopamine makes us all feel more relaxed and confident while heightening our senses of pleasure too…well, there you have it.
CON: May Increase Anxiety/Depression
GiphyAs they say, “what goes up, most come down” at some point — and that is what you have to be careful of when it comes to alcohol consumption. For instance, when you drink alcohol, although it tends to initially cause your dopamine levels to uptick, because it is a temporary bodily response, sometimes the dips are lower than the rises…and that is when anxiety starts to kick in. A similar point is made with depression because oftentimes, people with depression-related symptoms, will use alcohol as a way to deflect from what’s really going on with them — and that can make them feel even worse than ever once the buzz of alcohol starts to wear off.
PRO: Has Some Heart-Related Benefits
GiphyWhen it comes to your heart, there are interesting findings surrounding its relationship to alcohol. For instance, some research states that, so long as the consumption is moderate, alcohol can actually help to increase the good cholesterol in your system while also breaking down proteins that can potentially lead to blood clots; both of these factors alone can reduce your chances of dying from heart disease.
CON: Packs on Pounds
GiphyIt’s no secret that alcohol tends to contain quite a few calories. That’s why, it’s not uncommon for people who’ve lost weight to mention “I’ve stopped drinking” as one of the causes for the shed pounds. That’s not to say that there aren’t some alcoholic beverages that have less calories than others including vodka (133 calories per serving), white wine (148 calories per serving) and tequila (99 calories per shot). Just keep in mind that the more you drink, the more calories get into your system and the more weight you stand to gain.
PRO: Lowers Inhibitions
GiphyAlthough you really should only be uninhibited around people who you absolutely trust, if that person is your partner and you’re looking to have a pretty — eh hem — active evening, alcohol can certainly help to make that happen. The science of it all is the prefrontal cortex of your brain is what regulates your inhibitions and levels of self-control. Meanwhile, alcohol suppresses your inhibitions which can cause you to be more spontaneous and open to trying things that you might not immediately do if you were sober. And with the right individual, that can be sexually beneficial (emphasis on “right person”).
CON: Makes It Harder to Orgasm
GiphyOn the other hand, as odd as it may seem (in light of what I just said), if you have too much alcohol in your system, it could make climaxing difficult. That’s because orgasms happen, in part, due to your nervous system being stimulated — and since alcohol is technically a depressant…well, it could reduce nerve sensitivity (especially as far as your clitoris goes) for you while making it challenging for your partner to remain erect or have consistent stamina. And yeah, that sucks.
____
‘Tis the season. And with that, if some wassails or hot buttered rums are in your immediate future — hey, don’t let me stop you — not even a lil’ bit.
All I’m saying is now that you know what alcoholic drinks have to offer (both ways), you can know exactly how to incorporate them into your holiday plans. Enjoy!
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