In life, I live for two things - food and a solid self-care routine. Having a weekly restart routine has been an influential part of my mental health, but it hasn't always been this way. In the past, I have fallen victim to the old 2017-2018 trend of #TeamNoSleep. The idea of grinding seven days a week, 24 hours a day, and 365 days a year towards your goals was once the ultimate burnout cocktail I drank daily.
Through conversations with friends and loved ones, I've come to realize many of us have suffered from a case of burnout. Especially people of color and those who come from Caribbean backgrounds. As black and brown people, we more than likely watched our elders work harder than their white counterparts for the "American dream". Witnessing them sometimes work two to three jobs and placing self-care on the backend. To them, overworking was a form of survival.
Fast forward to today, self-care is becoming an increasing priority within the black and brown community. We realize that our mothers' and fathers' work ethics may have been effective in the short-term but not sustainable in the long-term. Although most of us are doing our best to keep our cup in flow, it's natural for us sometimes to get caught up in overdrive. Here are some rituals to offer an assist with your reset button.
Sleep
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Sleep is a simple yet very effective way to recover from a case of burnout. Sadly, sleep can also be hard to come by when you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed. It has been very easy for me to feel guilty for honoring my body with rest in my experience. The pressure of guilt had caused me to push myself when I had nothing left. My lack of rest also contributed to my mood and productivity. When our bodies lack rest, our brains are naturally less alert and reactive.
Making sleep a priority has helped me recover from several cases of burnout. There are many benefits to resting your body. According to health.gov, a few of those benefits are thinking clearer, interpreting conversations, and reducing stress, anxiety, mood, and overall productivity. Our bodies and brains need rest for us to operate as our best selves.
Sun
When I am feeling burnt out, it's only natural for me to need space to myself. On the contrary, I find I can also become a little too comfortable in isolation. Purposely avoiding human contact because I'm not ready to open up about how I am "really" feeling. During these times, my body and mind are weakest, and so are my thoughts about myself. I slowly begin to suffer in the darkness of my thoughts, and that's when I know it's time to let the light shine on me.
Mother nature is our friend; she is always here to help and is an excellent energy source. When we are in a state of burnout or need to reset, we are also more likely to fall into depression. Burnouts can cause us to feel low and lead to isolation because we don't have the energy to be social. Although it's important to remember that burnout isn't depression and depression isn't burnout - it's also essential to know one can lead to the other. During these times, it's healing to enjoy the company of the sun.
There are many benefits of using the sun as a source of healing. Some of those benefits include increasing your mood, easing depression, as well as increasing your energy. A perfect way to get in your vitamin D source is by taking a simple 10-15-minute walk (with sunscreen, of course). We also recognize that during these spring months, there may be more rain than shine. Investing in a sunlight lamp can also be a great way of supplementing your source of vitamin D on those rainy days.
Self
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I believe we can find growth in every situation, even the position we place ourselves in. Over the years, I have realized that burning out is also a perfect time for some self-reflection. I enjoy asking myself questions like, "How did I get here?" and "What habit can I change?" I discovered self-reflection helps me adopt better habits and prevent future burnouts.
A perfect way to incorporate self-reflection during your time of rejuvenation is journaling. Taking time to write out our thoughts and emotions can help guide us to how we got there in the first place. Journaling prompts are a great source to help us learn how we can make gentle decisions for ourselves in the future. To help you get started on your self-reflection journey through journaling prompts, please click here.
Finally, remember to be gentle with yourself. We understand being a #bossbabe is hard, but also remember how deserving you are, Queen! You are worthy of a break, sleep, and success! Heck, you're worthy of success while you sleep! When you're a queen building a kingdom, it's only right to take a moment to polish your crown. Rest easy!
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These are qualities that Brandee embodies both on and off the screen.
(L-R) Marque Richardson and Brandee Evans on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
A Memphis native, Brandee is no stranger to dance. She boasts an impressive career as a choreographer, having worked with renowned artists like Katy Perry, Monica, Ke$ha, and Ledisi. But while it has been a significant part of her journey, Brandee has her sights set on more—expanding her acting career beyond dance-inclusive roles. This ambition nearly led her to pass on the opportunity to appear alongside Kerry Washington in Hulu’s UnPrisoned, where she plays Ava, Mal's (Marque Richardson) new girlfriend.
“When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no,” Brandee revealed with a laugh. “She mentioned pole dancing, and I told myself and my team that once I was done with Mercedes, I wasn’t going to do that again.” Fortunately, Washington assured her that the role would be vastly different, leading to what Brandee described as an invaluable masterclass in comedy under the guidance of Washington herself.
“Kerry is a force of nature,” Brandee reflected. “She’s everything you’d hope she’d be—strong, compassionate, and incredibly talented. Working with her was like a masterclass in acting.” This opportunity was no mere stroke of luck; it was something Brandee had manifested years earlier. But make no mistake–she credits her faith and praying hands for her success. “I’m praying, you know what I mean? I’m asking God for what I want and working for it too,” she said.
"When Kerry Washington slid into my DMs, I nearly said no."
(L-R) Brandee Evans, Kerry Washington, and Marque Richardson on 'UnPrisoned' Season 2
Courtesy: Hulu
This role marked Brandee’s first foray into comedy, and while she was eager to embrace the challenge, she found herself in the hands of an incredible mentor. “Kerry was always so kind in her critiques,” Brandee noted. “She’s not a diva by any means. She knows exactly what she wants, but she’s gentle and encouraging in bringing it out of you. That’s something I’ve taken with me to other sets—I want to lead with the same kindness and openness that Kerry showed me. It’s a lesson I’ll carry for the rest of my life.”
Brandee speaks with profound respect and gratitude for her peers and fellow actresses as many have shown her genuine sisterhood and support in an industry often notorious for its competitiveness. “Danielle Brooks sent me a prayer the other day, and I was just so touched. Those are the moments that people don’t see,” she shared. “I call Sheryll Lee Ralph my fairy godmother, and Loretta Devine is like my auntie. Being able to pick up the phone and seek advice from these incredible women is a true blessing.”
And she pays it forward.
Brandee Evans
Courtesy: Hulu
But her commitment to supporting others extends far beyond her career. As an advocate for health and wellness, she empowers women to prioritize their well-being. “Azaria [Carter], who plays my daughter on P-Valley, mentioned wanting to start a weight loss journey and get more fit. I told her, ‘Well, let’s work out together,’” Brandee recounted. But her dedication to healthy living goes beyond physical fitness, encompassing a holistic approach to wellness. “When she came to my house and tried to microwave something in plastic, I said, ‘Let’s use glass instead. At 20, I wasn’t thinking about that, but let me share some tips now so you’re not battling fibroids in your 30s.’”
Because she was.
While filming the first season of P-Valley, Brandee faced enormous stress—not only as a caregiver for her mother, who was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, but also due to the physical demands of the role. Yet the impact on her body was far greater than she expected. “I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal,” Brandee revealed. It was Harriet D. Foy, who plays her mother, who urged her to get checked for fibroids.
"I was literally on my cycle every day while playing a stripper, which is far from ideal."
Brandee Evans graces the 2024 ESSENCE Black Women In Hollywood Awards Ceremony.
Arnold Turner/Getty Images for ESSENCE
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Emerging on the other side of this journey not only fibroid-free but with a regulated cycle and a renewed outlook on life, Brandee is now focused on sharing her story and advocating for women’s health. “I know y’all want to hear about P-Valley, but I want to talk about regulating your period,” she said with a laugh.
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All episodes of Season 2 of UnPrisoned are now streaming on Hulu.
Featured image courtesy of Hulu
Yeah, it’s kind of crazy just how much I refer to that show during some of my counseling sessions, especially with engaged couples and married ones who have a super complex relationship with their in-laws. And when it comes to the Ingalls family, specifically, something that I will oftentimes say is, “You can’t pay me to not believe that one of the main reasons why a lot of marriages back then lasted so long is because both sides hardly ever saw their original families after they got married and started their own. Couples back then took ‘leaving and cleaving’ to a whole ‘nother level.”
Is this my way of saying that the key to a successful union is to not bond with your man’s family? No — not at all. What I am saying, though, is boundaries need to be paramount. What I am also saying is that there are layers that need to be unpeeled in order for me to explain just what I mean by that.
So, whether you are in a relationship that seems to be headed towards something serious and you can already tell that your bae and his family’s dynamic may end up being a bit complex for you, you are newly engaged, and the waters with your in-laws are a bit rough right now, or you’ve been married for a few months and lawd, you had no idea that your man’s people were gonna be, well, “like this” — let’s discuss some things that you should keep in mind so that you can find peace in how you should maneuver when it comes to his family.
‘Cause chile…CHILE.
What’s Your Ideal (Potential) In-Law Dynamic?
GiphySeveral years ago, I attended a wedding where, when the couple was about to leave after the reception, the groom’s mother refused to come out and wave “goodbye.” I knew some of the backstory behind what was going on, and it was more than just her seeing her baby boy move on into another season of his life. His new wife (at least at the time; the mother-in-law has seemed to be able to manipulate her pretty well over the past few years) had her own mind, and it oftentimes clashed with her soon-to-be MIL (mother-in-law). So, essentially, what she was grieving was that her younger son was about to get a backbone.
I pretty much figured that what I witnessed that day was symbolic of what the mother-and-law and daughter-in-law’s dynamic was going to be — its own tug of war, on several levels. And while I know that it bothered the wife that it was that way, something that she would say that I found to be pretty on-point is, “I don’t need her to be my mother. I have a mother.” So true, so true.
Sometimes, when you’re dating — or considering marrying — someone and you don’t have the most ideal connection with either all or some of their family, you will find yourself overextending to try and turn things into the idea that you always desired. Yeah, please don’t do that.
If you’re already seeing some yellow, orange, or red flags, sensing some dysfunction, and/or you know that you and your man’s mama (or sisters or whomever) may not become BFFs, it’s really best to 1) address it with him to get an idea of his thoughts on the matter; 2) grieve that your ideal may not end up being your reality and 3) prepare to make peace with that — if you decide to stay, that is. Oh, and a bonus: try to not take it personally.
Sometimes, the strain with a man’s family is due to issues that have been going on long before you ever came into the picture. So long as you are kind, respectful, and consistent when it comes to dealing with them, you are creating good karma.
And who knows? Maybe, in time, you can get to your ideal. All I’m saying is don’t beat yourself up or — and this is so important — take it out on your relationship if it doesn’t happen to play out that way. You can have a cordial dynamic with his family without everyone being in each other’s laps all of the time.
Like Is Cool. Respect Is Better.
GiphyYou marry them, not their family. One of the dumbest things I’ve heard was that sentence right there, and it came from a guy who 1) had a pretty unhealthy relationship with his in-laws and 2) isnow divorced from his wife — and yes, his somewhat unstable dynamic with his in-laws played a significant role in the breakdown of his marriage. SMDH.
So here’s the deal: Yes, when you marry someone, the way it should go is that the two of you move on from the families you were born into so that you can create one of your own. What I’m speaking of here is not a total disconnect; however, you should be having your own boundaries, traditions, and ways of doing things that don’t require either of your family’s permission or approval.
That said, when people raise their kids with the mindset that “I am raising adults not children” (which is how it should be in my opinion), the shift of their kids leaving their house to start a life of their own with someone else tends to be relatively drama-free (especially if they happen to like who their adult child chose).
Oh, but when parents never emotionally prepared themselves for their kids to “get out of the nest,” sometimes they think they are supposed to “parent them” through their relationship — and that is where things can get toxic as hell; it’s also where you will need to set some limits and some of those, his family (or yours) may not be very fond of.
And so, as they are going through the process of adjusting to all of this, they may not like you very much. Hell, they may not even like their own child very much, either. It doesn’t matter. Although yes, it would be ideal (and honestly easier) if your man’s family did adore you, the thing that you really want is for them to respect you.
People who respect you listen to what you say. People who respect you don’t try to gaslight you out of your own boundaries. People who respect you will bring concerns directly to you instead of talking behind your back. People who respect you will acknowledge your needs and feelings. People who respect you will treat you like an adult and not a child.
Hmph. It’s kind of another message for another time how, when you look for your man’s family to like you over respecting you, you may not even end up with a lot of what I just said because people can like someone and still attempt to run over them. Hell, sometimes, what they like is that they can (some of y’all will catch that later). So yes, above all else, what you need to strive for is respect. In other words, choose to see “like” as the icing, not the cake.
How Good Is Your Guy with Boundaries?
GiphySpeaking of boundaries…not too long ago, I checked out a Black indie film entitledMother May I? Have mercy, that mother was beyond controlling and without giving too much away; a big part of it was because she was paranoid because she was sneaky as hell (a lot of people are controlling because of that very reason; that’s another message for another time, though). And although she was definitely the most triggering character to watch, I can’t lie and say that her son didn’t piss me off a few times too.
Whenever she would talk to him like a child, disrespect his girlfriend, or when she slapped him, I was damn near yelling at the screen like, “Sir. She may be your mother, but disrespect is disrespect.” Y’all, stop thinking that your parents love you well if they are willing to disrespect you;love and respect are designed to go hand in hand in healthy relationships — any kind of healthy relationship.
Anyway, as I continued to watch, I thought about a friend of mine who used to be in a marriage with a man who not only tolerated emotional abuse from his mother but also allowed his now ex-wife to be subjected to it as well. In fact, to this day, he is so unbelievably codependent on his mother that while he was married to my friend, he thought it was her job to not only overlook the crazy ish that his mom would say to her, he also wanted his wife to bend over backward like he does in order to try and make things work.
Toxic upon toxic…upon toxic.
The sad thing about all of this is that when my friend was dating this guy and then living with him (and his mother — don’t get me started) prior to saying “I do,” she saw red flags. She saw where, more times than not, he took his mother’s side, too. She also witnessed where he would allow his mother to wreck his moods along with where he would allow his mom to pretty much say and do whatever while simply saying to her, “I mean, just be the bigger person.”
No, sir, you learn how to grow up and get some boundaries with your mother because, when it comes to the role of being a protector and provider for your wife, that means doing everything in your power to keep her out of harm’s way, period — and if that harm is a relative, guess what?
My friend? She went through years of drama, trauma, and foolishness because she tried to act like this man and his mother’s issues would somehow just go away with time. Nah, that man needs/needed therapy, his mother needs/needed therapy, and then both of them need to go to therapy together. However, if there is a “beauty for ashes” in all of this, it’s the fact that, hopefully, her story will cause someone reading this to “pause” if they notice that their own guy isn’t good at setting boundaries with his own relatives, especially when it comes to protecting his relationship when it comes to them.
Because again, while everyone doesn’t have to hold hands and sing “Kumbaya, My Lord,” no man should have the woman he’s with feeling like she’s in a danger zone of some sort whenever his family is in her presence. There is absolutely no wiggle room on that either because you wanna know what the real bottom line on this point is?
A woman feeling safe around her man’s family is something that her man has the ability to control. Full stop.
Don't Assume. Communicate.
GiphyWhen it comes to all that we are discussing here, something that isn’t talked about enough is the fact that sometimes people will feel entitled to being treated a certain type of way — they want everyone to do cartwheels in their presence. And to that, what I will say is, there is nothing wrong with your man’s relatives taking the approach of, “You’re cool, but you’re not our family until you marry him” (which could result in them having a few walls up) or them not wanting to be extra warm ‘n fuzzy — there really isn’t.
The reality is that one of the reasons why there can be so much (potential) in-law angst is because folks will want the dynamic with their man’s relatives to be a certain way, and when it’s not, they act like something is “wrong” when it simply played out to not be what they desire. Not to mention the fact that whenever a person is in a serious relationship, the influence of their partner tends to change them on some levels, and it can take a while for their relatives to adjust. That is beyond understandable, too.
The way to handle all of this is to communicate. In other words, don’t assume that just because you may not be received in the way you expected or even in the way that you want they don’t like you, are against your relationship, or are ultimately plotting your relational demise. Instead, again, run it by your partner, and then, if he green lights it (because you need to respect the boundaries that he has with his own family as well) take the “relative in question” out to get the clarity that you seek.
Ask questions. Express — not demand, request — your wishes. Hear them out. Even if after listening to their side, things still don’t end up being a Disney film, you’ll still be amazed what both people knowing where the other is truly coming from can do for a relationship over time. While assuming puts folks on the defensive, communication typically will bring forth an understanding.
Don’t Force Your “Puzzle Piece”
GiphyAlthough this last point applies to all dynamics, I am speaking mostly to people who are noticing some real issues at the beginning of something new. If having a sense of family has never been that big of a deal to you, then, again, just aiming for mutual respect may be all that you need. Okay, but if you are someone who is all about family and there is tension between the guy you’re seeing and his family and/or you and his family — remember that dating is not marriage.
There is data around (like thishere and thishere) to prove that the influence of in-laws can play a role in a marriage’s ultimate demise. Plus, you should want to be in a long-term relationship where your “puzzle piece” (your personality, your values, your character) fits without feeling like you have to force yourself “into the picture” of someone else’s people.
Listen, although I’ve never been married before, I have been in relationships where the guy’s family adored me, and then I’ve been in a couple where the family was nothing but drama — the latter definitely caused unnecessary stress between the guy and me. Looking back, I know that I would’ve never married those guys either. The drama — their family, along with how they poorly navigated issues with their relatives — simply wasn’t worth it. I wanna “fit” — not force my fit.
____
I said a lot on this because I wanted to cover as many bases as possible. Bottom line, though. Does your man’s family have to like you for your relationship to work with him? So long as you’re not stressing over it, he helps you to feel safe and his DNA respects you, no. If none of this is happening, though, and the two of you are merely dating, please like yourself enough to remove yourself — because, at the end of the day, how the entire situation is being handled is revealing more to you about him and the future of your relationship than just how things are gonna be with his relatives.
Standing ten toes down on that, my friend. I’ve seen too much ish in this lane go left. WAY LEFT. So, please move wisely out here…ya here?
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