If you're someone that has decided to abstain from intercourse or any type of sexual interaction for a course of time, you know the struggle is real.
I'm currently at a time in my life where I've been celibate for a year. I decided I was tired of the same routine with men and that I was going to wait until I felt a serious connection with a man to share my sexual energy. The frustration set in when I had just been ghosted by a dude I was talking to for a couple of months that I was highly interested in.
We talked, we dated, we had sex, he disappeared… A lot of us know this story like the back of our hand.
Looking back, I realized I missed a lot of red flags he was waving simply because I had low self-esteem and didn't know what I wanted in a relationship. I was just happy we were talking and forced the notion that there was some sort of connection between us. Whew chile! There really wasn't! A year later and the connection is nowhere in sight, let alone a good night of bust-it-wide-open sex. When I set out on my path of celibacy, I never thought it would go this long. So far it's been pretty smooth but there are those rough moments when I wish I had a good booty call on speed dial.
Here I am a year later, as dry as the desert I live in but more stronger mentally and physically than ever. Celibacy is not for everyone but is something that can be obtainable as long as you have these 7 tips!
1.Set the ground rules of what celibacy or abstinence specifically means to you and why you’re setting out on this journey.
Make sure abstaining from sex is something you are very serious about and are only doing for yourself! Celibacy is no walk in the park and can be extremely hard if you don't have a serious mindset. You are the one in control, and you always have the choice to decide to hold off from having a sexual relationship. Be extremely clear and transparent about your reasons for wanting to practice abstinence. Set feasible boundaries of how much sexual interaction you are willing to have and start to following those personal rules immediately.
There are different levels of abstinence. Some people do not want any physical contact, like kissing and hand-holding. Some people allow making out and some light touching but no activity that could lead to orgasm. I choose to practice an "everything but" approach, only abstaining from activities that involve genital to genital contact or penetration. Don't make a decision based off of someone else's expectations for you, make the decision to be celibate because it's something you truly want to experience.
2.Have a strong support system!
A strong support system makes the difference! You want people around you, whether friends or family, that support your decision to abstain from sex. Abstaining from sex is a very controversial topic and most people have strong opinions about why you should or shouldn't abstain from sex. Being able to talk to my girlfriends about the struggle of abstaining from sex and hearing their words of encouragement have helped me greatly. There are also many forums online where you can discuss abstinence. If you're shy about discussing your decision with friends and family, going online can help.
3.Be transparent about your decision and boundaries.
If you find yourself interested in a potential partner, you need to make the boundaries that you set in tip #1 clear. Talk to your partner about why you're choosing to practice abstinence and make your expectations and boundaries clear. This tip alone has helped me to avoid a lot of men that had no real interest in getting to know me but who just wanted to have sex. I've decided that any man that cannot support my decision to abstain from sex cannot be someone I move forward with in the future.
4.Avoid substances or situations that may impair your judgement.
Try to stay away from situations where it may be hard to say "no." One of the times I almost broke my commitment to myself was when I sent a booty call text while tipsy on alcohol. I was very aware of what I was doing and had decided I was going to have a wild night of tipsy sex. Thankfully, my text wasn't responded to quick enough and I didn't succumb to my desires. As I abstain from sex, I have to be aware of situations that may trigger my flesh and potentially challenge my decision to remain abstinent. I know it's extremely hard for me to be alone in a room with a man I'm strongly attracted to and not have sex. I avoid putting myself into a scenario where I may find myself weak. Be aware of situations that may test your will power and avoid them at all cost.
5.Remind yourself why you chose abstinence.
There have been times when I've become extremely impatient and wanted to revert back to my old ways with men and sex. Journaling the reasons you chose abstinence can help remind yourself that you made the right choice. Journaling and constantly referring back to the exact reason I started this journey helps me to stay strong and motivated.
6.Masturbate.
Masturbation has helped me tremendously! Masturbation can be good for mental and physical health. It has been a way for me to easily deal with sexual desires and also learn more about my body without having sex. Through self-pleasure, I've found a healthy way to relieve stress and become more comfortable with my body.
7.Find other ways to channel your sexual energy.
Channeling my built up sexual energy into other activities has helped me curve my urges. Some activities that have helped me on my journey are:
- Travel
- Blog
- Exercise
- Photography
- Dance
- YouTube
Although I didn't set out on this journey with a specific timeframe in mind, I'm thankful that I've had this year to really focus on myself and my personal goals! I've lost weight, my skin has glowed up, I've almost paid my car off, I joined a book club, made new girlfriends and I finally started my blog! This year of abstinence has been fulfilling in so many ways I never thought it would be! I legit thought I couldn't survive without sex. I had this notion that without sex I would become desperate and jump on the first penis I saw but I'm happy to say, I'm wrong!
Now when I think of what I want in a partner, my thoughts have become more clear due to being abstinent and I'm confident in what I have to offer in a relationship. When I'm craving that good booty call, I use these tips to remind myself of why I set out on this journey and that the connection I'm waiting for will be well-worth my enduring patience. If I've waited this long, I can wait a little bit longer for what the universe has in store for me. I must trust the process of growth that is happening eternally and externally in my life and know that when my fruit shows, it will be the sweetest fruit I've ever tasted.
Monique L. Spearman Is the quirky best friend you wish you always had! Self-proclaimed Beyhive president, this lipstick lover addicted to spicy food is living her best life based abroad. Storytelling her way around the world, the proud Seattle native seeks adventure through travel. Keep up with her on social media @raineyamore and her personal travel-lifestyle blog raineyamore.com.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Adrian Marcel On Purpose, Sacrifice, And The 'Signs Of Life'
In this week's episode of xoMAN, host Kiara Walker talked with R&B artist Adrian Marcel, who opened up, full of heart and authenticity, about his personal evolution. He discussed his days transitioning from a young Bay Area singer on the come-up to becoming a grounded husband and father of four.
With honesty and introspection, Marcel reflected on how life, love, and loss have shaped the man he is today.
On ‘Life’s Subtle Signals’
Much of the conversation centered around purpose, sacrifice, and listening to life’s subtle signals. “I think that you really have to pay attention to the signs of life,” Marcel said. “Because as much as we need to make money, we are not necessarily on this Earth for that sole purpose, you know what I mean?” While he acknowledged his ambitions, adding, “that is not me saying at all I’m not trying to ball out,” he emphasized that fulfillment goes deeper.
“We are here to be happy. We are here [to] fulfill a purpose that we are put on here for.”
On Passion vs. Survival
Adrian spoke candidly about the tension between passion and survival, describing how hardship can sometimes point us away from misaligned paths. “If you find it’s constantly hurting you… that’s telling you something. That’s telling you that you’re going outside of your purpose.”
Marcel’s path hasn’t been without detours. A promising athlete in his youth, he recalled, “Early on in my career, I was still doing sports… I was good… I had a scholarship.” An injury changed everything. “My femur broke. Hence why I always say, you know, I’m gonna keep you hip like a femur.” After the injury, he pivoted to explore other careers, including teaching and corporate jobs.
“It just did not get me—even with any success that happened in anything—those times, back then, I was so unhappy. And you know, to a different degree. Like not just like, ‘I really want to be a singer so that’s why I’m unhappy.’ Nah, it was like, it was not fulfilling me in any form or fashion.”
On Connection Between Pursuing Music & Fatherhood
He recalled performing old-school songs at age 12 to impress girls, then his father challenged him: “You can lie to these girls all you want, but you're really just lying to yourself. You ain't growing.” That push led him to the piano—and eventually, to his truth. “Music is my love,” Marcel affirmed. “I wouldn’t be a happy husband if I was here trying to do anything else just to appease her [his wife].”
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube
Roscoe Dash joined xoMan host Kiara Walker to share the journey of his personal and spiritual evolution—from the party anthems that made him famous to a deeper life rooted in faith, family, and purpose. This episode offers an honest look at how the artist has grown beyond early fame, addressing fatherhood, masculinity, creativity, and healing.
Dash opened up about the internal transformation that has guided him away from chasing the spotlight and toward seeking peace. “Faith and fear can’t occupy the same space,” he said, underscoring his shift toward a more spiritually grounded life. Throughout the interview, he emphasized the importance of self-reflection:
“The most important conversations to me, honestly, outside of the ones you have with God, is the ones you have with yourself in the mirror.”
Dash is focused on the man he’s become. “I’m not the accolades I’ve achieved—I’m the person who achieved them,” he added, pointing to a broader understanding of identity and worth. A large part of that growth has come through fatherhood, especially raising daughters, which he said has deepened his understanding of love. “Love is unconditional and love loves to love no matter what,” he shared.
He also spoke candidly about the pressures of fame and its impact on creativity. “Chasing fame can kill your creativity as a musician,” he warns. Instead, his advice to other artists is simple but clear: “Keep your focus on your art form, whatever that may be, and stay passionate.”
The conversation also touches on gender dynamics and emotional safety in relationships. “Safe men make soft women. If she feels safe, she’ll melt like butter,” he said, challenging traditional notions of masculinity. Roscoe also offers wisdom on discernment and spiritual testing: “Sometimes the devil will give you what looks better than your blessing.”
Ultimately, Dash has learned to embrace peace over chaos. “All I can do is control what I can control. And that's how I respond to things and what I'm giving out,” he said. It’s a thoughtful, soulful side of Roscoe Dash that many may not expect—but one that leaves a lasting impression.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by xoNecole/YouTube