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I mean, just think about it: If you are a resolutions kind of gal, imagine how much easier it would be to make them — and practice keeping them — if you didn’t wait for six weeks (give or take) from now? And when it comes to your friendships, specifically, what if your transitioning consisted of doing some (semi) immediate inventory on those relationships? One way to do it is to check out my article, “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins” (“Texting Your Friends This One Question Will Reveal A Lot About Your Relationship” might come in handy too). However, before you even take that step, consider reading this piece all the way through…first.
Why? Well, I once read that,reportedly, a whopping 75 percent of men and 84 percent of women have admitted that they’ve had at least one toxic friend over the course of their lifetime (check out “10 Signs You’ve Got A Close (TOXIC) Friend”), it got me to thinking about how so many of us find ourselves in that position — usually more than once too.
And y’all, it is my belief that it’s because we overlook the 10 words that I’m about to break down a bit today — things that, aren’t necessarily “toxic” on their own; oh, but if they are ignored or not addressed long enough, like a snowflake that rolls into other ones and ultimately creates an avalanche, it definitely can turn a friendship into a relationally poisonous situation.
So, let’s address them…then you decide what needs to be done — not after Christmas either. Now.
1. "Complicated"
GiphyIt is my personal opinion that when Facebook made “it’s complicated” an option as far as relationship (or situationship) statuses went, that’s when the phrase started to become more acceptable. And you know what? It’s also my personal opinion that it never should have been. SMDH. When something is complicated, that means it’s complex, difficult to understand, and perplexing — and what all of this boils down to is there is a lack of clarity going on…which means there is probably some poor communication that is transpiring too.
Whether that’s the result of you walking on eggshells, both of you making a lot of assumptions or your relationship being such an emotional roller coaster ride that you’re not exactly sure where the two of you stand, friendships shouldn’t be complicated. And so, if one or more of yours are, it’s time for some serious conversations to be had.
2. "Sometimey"
GiphyWhenever someone tells me that they have a best friend who they don’t talk to very often, my face almost always scrunches up; especially when I hear something like, “We can go six months without talking and pick up right where we left off.” Uh-huh. Back when I used to watch The Young and the Restless with my great-grandma during the summer, once it was time to go back to school, I could pretty much pick back up on the storylines the following summer.
That’s pretty crazy too because all that means is there was familiarity and predictability involved…not necessarily any intimacy. Do you see where I am going with this? And when it comes to your dearest friendship, if you and your BFF are so close, why isn’t your relationship higher on your priority list? Both of y’all’s priority list?
One reason why a lot of people suck at friendship is because they are hella inconsistent when it comes to nurturing it. I mean, even a plant needs to be watered on a weekly basis. If your friendships are sometimey, that could cause some unexpected issues up the road.
3. "One-Sided"
GiphyReciprocity should always reign supreme in friendships. And although you and your friends may not give in the same way, there is no reason for you to feel like you are doing all or most of the work to keep the relationship going. Case in point: There is someone who, to this day, I think is cool as hell, and, back in the day, although I didn’t consider her to be a close friend, she definitely was a friend of mine.
Anyway, I haven’t talked to her in like five or six years now at this point. Why? Because something she is horrible at is following through with what she says that she is going to do — including calling people back. And so, the last time that I saw her and she said, “I’m gonna call you,” I responded with, “And that will be the next time that we speak, chile” — I haven’t heard a word since. Fast forward to earlier this year, someone asked me how she was.
When I said, “I don’t know” and they inquired why and I explained what I just said to y’all, they said, “Girl, just call her. She probably forgot.” So…I need to catch that slack because…? Really, all she did was show me that the reason why we stayed in touch at all is because I used to do most of the work — and she liked it that way.
If I end up running into her, we’ll still hug it out and catch up but y’all, I have too many friends who actively participate in my friendship with them who need to get some of my time to chase folks who don’t. One-sided friendships aren’t friendships. They need to be demoted to good acquaintances or…something like that (check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”).
4. "Draining"
GiphyPeople who always or only talk about themselves. People who are constantly in a crisis. People who always need some form of validation. People who are moody AF. People who can’t seem to talk about anything but other people. People who are the textbook definition of energy vampires. People who are obsessed with being the center of attention (whether it’s online or off). People who like to play the victim (i.e., rarely take accountability for their actions; more on that later). People who lack self-awareness. People who hold you to a standard that they don’t even hold themselves to. Do you know what these kinds of people are? DRAINING.
And the thing about your friendships is, more times than not, you should be able to go to them to get a boost of energy, positivity, and humor — something that refuels you instead of exhausts you. Some of y’all, your friends have been draining you for so long that you’ve been gaslit into believing that is what comes with having friends (check out “This Is How A Friend Can Gaslight You — And Make It Feel Like It's Your Fault.”) Nope. If it seems like whenever you’re around someone, they wear you out on a mental and emotional level, that’s not healthy, sis. Please stop telling yourself otherwise.
5. "Hypercritical"
GiphyNow this one is the kind of “bright orange flag” that you may not see coming on the surface. I say that because, while you might think that hypercritical people are only those who have something you say about damn near everything you do, typically, a hypercritical friend is hard on you because they are even harder on themselves.
The way it tends to manifest is they are perfectionists and/or don’t know how to give or receive compliments and/or are super defensive when receiving feedback and/or they seem to constantly be on edge and/or they are always nitpicking and/or they fear failure (or you failing) — and so they aren’t very merciful.
In short, a hypercritical person lacks self-compassion which is why they aren’t very good at granting you any — and since you’re gonna make mistakes or even consciously poor decisions sometimes, because they are so hard to be around, they rarely are a safe place to land.
6. "Unsupportive"
GiphyIn my latest book, there is a chapter devoted to a guy who I once had feelings for who turned out to be one of the most narcissistic individuals that I have ever known — and no, I do not use that word lightly. As I was penning the chapter, one of the things that I reflected on is how unsupportive he was while I was supporting him all of the way. An example? The amount of media coverage that I got him in just two years of working with him? He hasn’t seen it before or since and yet, even though he had some substantial connections, ask me if he asked if I needed assistance one time in basically two decades.
His family dynamic? It is supremely dysfunctional on so many levels and yet, when I decided to release some of my relatives (check out “Why I Don't 'Cut People Off' Anymore, I Release Them Instead”) because they were toxic (check out “Why You Should Be Unapologetic About Setting Boundaries With Toxic Family Members”), he said that I was being petty. One time, I even produced a show for him, for free, and he yelled at me when I asked him to stay on the phone with me as we were driving about an hour back (in separate cars) because I was sleepy. Hmph.
This man was more than just merely “unsupportive” — he was emotionally abusive. Noted. However, he still is a good example of what it means to have someone in your life who you support and doesn’t support you because, they are all for being able to lean on you and yet, when it’s time for them to return the favor, you might as well lean up against an imaginary pole.
7. "Unreliable"
GiphyBack when my house burned down a few years ago, one of my closest friends bought me a really nice laptop. I didn’t ask for it; hell, I didn’t even mention that I lost all three of mine. He just assumed that I needed one and so he and his wife took care of it. About a year later, he wanted to see his side of the family for the holidays and money was tight on his end — so, I purchased plane tickets for him and his beloved. Fast forward to a few months ago and finances have been challenging for them again (the job market is crazy out here) and so I gave his wife some money, strictly for pampering purposes.
At first, she was hesitant about taking it and so, I had a family-friend meeting with both of them (separately) that if we’re gonna be friends, we need to be able to rely on each other. Y’all, I’ve got some folks who, I know with everything in me that, pretty much regardless of the need, if I hit them up at any time, they’ve got my back. And the reason why that is the case is because they feel the same way about me. Can you say the same thing about the people you call “friends”? If not, do they even deserve that title (check out “Allow These Things To Happen Before Calling Someone 'Friend'”)?
8. "Parental"
GiphyI’ll raise my hand in this class and say that when one of my closest friends was going through a divorce earlier this year (check out “How To Support Your Friend Who's Going Through A Divorce”), because I am a marriage life coach, a relationship writer and shoot, Shellie Reneé Warren (LOL), I had to remind myself to be her friend — not her therapist, coach or hell, even low-key parent.
And what does a parental friend look like? They act like their advice should be your instructions. They think that their opinions need to be your perspective. They have a tendency to “helicopter friend” you (if you’re familiar with the term “helicopter parent,” then you get where I am coming from) by hovering over you and your decisions.
Sometimes, if you don’t do what they think is right or best, they will be arrogant enough to try and provide consequences for “defying” them like freezing you out or nagging you to death (I know, right?). At the end of the day, parental friends are controlling ones because while they actually may have a lot of wisdom, knowledge, and discernment to share, if there is no balance, they aren’t helping you at all. Honestly, they aren’t loving you well either.
9. "Unaccountable"
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while, I seriously doubt that it will surprise you that one of my biggest relational pet peeves is people who don’t hold themselves accountable. And when it comes to friendships, one of the most popular ways of doing this is them saying that you shouldn’t judge them but support them when they are doing something that is dead-ass wrong or potentially self-destructive. SMDH.
Too many people out here are looking for FANS NOT FRIENDS and you can tell by how bent out of shape they get whenever you don’t cheer on pure nonsense, you call them out on their ish or they get mad because you don’t agree with something that they tell you. A good friend is going to tell you the truth not what you want to hear. If you’ve got people in your life who push back on this — be careful with them. It can be burdensome to be friends with individuals who you can’t be honest with…even when it comes to being honest with them…about them.
10. "Lonely"
GiphyThere is a wife that I know who used to tell her single friends, “The loneliest night single beats a bad marriage any day” — and y’all, I have worked with enough troubled couples to say that someone needs to send her some money to her PayPal account each and every time that she says it. Even though there are reports that somewhere around 50 percent of the American population say that they are currently lonelier than they have ever been, imagine being in an intimate relationship and still feeling that way.
And when it comes to some people and their friendships, that is exactly what is going on. If you’ve got friends who don’t make time for you; have poor listening skills (or are poor communicators, in general); are dismissive of your feelings; don’t speak your love language (and they know what it is); are constantly distracted in your presence, and/or aren’t intentional about you — this easily can make you feel lonely in your friendship with them…and how tragic is that?
One of the main purposes of friendships is to not feel alone in this world. If you somehow do in yours, something is 1000 percent awry.
___
Listen, no one is perfect. Hell, that is a part of the reason why we all need friends, we need folks who accept us as we are. All I’m saying is there are friendships and then there are healthy friendships — and if the latter is your goal, you and your friends should strive to use other words than these 10 to describe it.
If that isn’t the case, it’s time to make some changes — so that you can know what it’s like to not just have people in your life but really wonderful dynamics that add and not subtract from you. Selah and amen.
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